Thread 50 - Covid GCSE Cohort - New Year of Adulting

[OrangeSpicedBun]

2024 here we are... our young people are still getting used to adulting and we're still doing that adulting thing ...it's tough !

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.
Previous thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4922401-thread-49-covid-gcse-cohort-the-nights-are-drawing-in?page=10

@Alwaysplayspicc DS1 has also been called for jury service in March, will be missing 2 weeks of placement, but it was either that or miss 2 weeks of his holidays, for which he has plans! It works out quite well for him as the block he is missing is not one he is interested in, he will technically fail that one, which would mean he might not get his first choice of student selected component in June, but as the academic supervisor has agreed he can go and is the person who allocates the SSCs, it actually means he has been guaranteed his first choice instead. Surely you will be excused! Jury service is such an odd thing.

That is great news about the Unibrass @Piggywaspushed! I hope he got his sink sorted.

Ds has passed his driving test! He didn't have lessons as we couldn't find an instructor with space, so we taught him ourselves, so I'm taking some of the credit! He's still dead set on buying the motorbike though 😬

The jury service sounds like it's worked out quite well for ds1 @Monkey2001 !

Woo hoo @crazycrofter 🏎

congratulations @crazycrofter !

Oh, good news crazy!

Motorbike or hairdryer on wheels?

Great news @crazycrofter !

Congrats @crazycrofter thats really good news. Over here DS has failed his first term. I'm trying to keep it in proportion - I know it isnt my fault. I have tried so hard to support. I do feel like a bit of a parenting failure though. Its a constant theme isnt it parenting guilt.

Brilliant. Well done him (and you) Crazy.

Sorry to hear omnishambles, we will always feel the guilt associated with DC, but hopefully he will get through this episode with what he needs to work on.

Congratulations to your DS @crazycrofter 🙌

Well done to @crazycrofter 's DS and the fact you self-taught him is commendable. You saved yourselves hundreds of pounds.

@omnishambles oh no, is he talking to you? Does he have to re-take? Hope he can find a solution which works for him.

Yes, he could still turn it round if he engages but I'm not sure that will happen and maybe that will be for the best? How to let go right? Lots of people in this thread have alternative paths.

Congratulations @crazycrofter!

Thanks everyone!

@omnishambles that’s tricky, but probably better to give up sooner rather than later . It’s not for everyone and there are other routes. What course is he doing?

Dd is also not doing too well - marks in the 2:2 range when she’s capable of much more. She knows it’s lack of work (and a little bit of wrong subject too but she’s accepted she just has to suck that up). She keeps reassuring me that her social life is about to calm down, but she’s already been to London, Leeds and Southampton to see friends this term and she’s also juggling training for the caring job. But I’m trying not to worry about it. It’s her life!

Congrats to crazy ds.
Commiserations to omnishambles. Please try to ditch the guilt. I honestly don’t think there has never been a place or time with more committed parents than now, and yet we are blamed for everything. There’s a really sad thread elsewhere on MN from a mother whose 19 yr old Dd has announced her future estrangement, as soon as she no longer needs support through Uni, which seems to me outrageous, but lots of the replies were quite aggressively defending the Dd. One of my dc has cut contact with us, and the pain has honestly been worse than anything else ever. So now we are just thinking, should try and put us first, and not worry about them. May take a bit of practice!

@crazycrofter engineering so spectacularly hard! @Zebracat thats really wise advice - I'm so sorry about your dc. Life is just so incredibly painful sometimes isnt it. So very hard to just endure.

@crazycrofter Well done to your DS. The credit is at least 50% yours!

@omnishambles I hope your DS turns things around if that is what he wants. There have certainly been many in my family who started down one path where all did not go to plan and ended up on another where it's turned out happily (and with decent salaries).

@Zebracat I saw that other thread and agree some of the replies are just mean spirited. I'm sorry one of your DC made that choice. Knowing you from on here I am sure you bent backwards to keep dialogue going.

@omnishambles I totally missed your post, I’m sorry about your DS, hopefully he will come to the right decision - whatever that may turn out to be. Please don’t put any guilt on yourself.

Zebracat So sorry to hear about your dc's estrangement from you. The pain is always there but you have a right to live your life and a happy one at that. I'm on the opposite end, DM cut contact with me, out of her 4 dc and I have no idea why [shrug]. I will always wish her well and a happy life even though i get angry sometimes. I didn't see the thread you mentioned but from what you've said she sounds like an entitled piece of work! Re: the posters, we have no idea the age of the people posting, a lot of people project on MN and seem to enjoy hurting people who show vulnerability, so that could account for the aggressive replies.

@Shimy , thank you, and I am so sorry, your situation sounds even worse. The crap thing seems to be that joyful occasions are ruined, we have a new baby in our family, born yesterday, and a 20 year old in the throes of first love. and it’s just accentuated the gaping hole. I’m having to act thrilled but I want to cry. I don’t try to contact my child. It feels like all I can do is respect their wish to have no contact. I don’t know if they are in touch with their siblings, I hope so, can’t bear to think of them alone. I try not to show that I am heartbroken, I worry that it would be seen as manipulation or narcissism, if it got back to them. I think they feel they weren’t given enough attention as a child. They may be right, we had a lot of kids and demanding jobs. I think they now have an autism diagnosis. I do wish I’d done it differently. They are mid 30s now, and I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to compensate them for the deficiencies. They have been quite hostile and rude so I suppose it should be a relief, but it isn’t. I miss them, speak to them in my head all the time, I hope the love gets through somehow.
I agree about the posters. I think there are disruptors who enjoy conflict. There was one who linked to a site for estranged parents and scoffed at them. And there is a growing trend for going no contact, saw it recommended on MN last week for a mil who didn’t finish her steak in a restaurant and so took it home for their dog! Ungrateful apparently. So sad.

@crazycrofter I'm seriously impressed that you taught up to date driving skills. I wouldn't be able to do it.
@Shimy & @Zebracat my heart goes out to you both. How gracious you are @Shimy. And @Zebracat I can't imagine anything worse than being estranged from one of your children. Family relationships don't seem to get any easier as the 'kids' get older. Estrangements do often seem to come good though eventually. I've seen it myself with friends & family.

@cantonet youtube is also very helpful! (Ds watched lots of mock tests).

So sorry to hear about estrangements in the family @shimy and @Zebracat .

As your kids get older, you realise more and more how little control you have over their outcomes. And how it's possible to do your very best in the circumstances you find yourself in, and with your own limitations, and for people still to judge your best as not good enough. Dd has criticised me on occasion for things I did when she was younger with the best intentions and believing I was protecting her.

Dynamics in families are very complex - both dh and I have four siblings each. I can see that my parents tried (and still try) to be equal and fair, yet things were and still are skewed by our personalities and how they interact with our parents' personalities. I hope you both reach some resolution in the future. @Zebracat I think in your shoes I might just reach out periodically, without any expectation of a response, just so they know you're thinking of them and love them. It would be very easy for them to interpret your lack of contact as evidence that you don't care, even though that's far from the truth. Having said that, what do I know? Congratulations on the new baby in the family!

Oh Zebracat That is painful. Personally, I find MN is excellent for signposting and asking very specific advice non relationship related BUT a lot of the relationship advice I've seen is horrendous and not what i or anyone i know would do in real life. Some of the ingrained ideas on MN pushed by some very vocal people that have now become the de facto is that the parent should take as much pain as possible and what is construed as 'narcissm is completely over exaggerated. For what it's worth,there is nothing wrong in your adult dc knowing you are heart broken or that you're asking after them from siblings. In spite of what they say most secretly want to know their parents miss them.

I'm glad you were able to get the diagnosis, at least that helps with putting things in perspective a bit. Please don't lose hope! you've recognised where things could've been better but don't we all? you made the most of the situation you were in at the time. Of course we can all look back and see where we could've done things differently but your dc is also a grown adult and failing undisclosed abuse there comes a point when they also have to take things on the chin and move on. If they're only mid 30s and you've spent the last 15yrs in penance trying to make it up that's a lot of their youth they've spent being angry when they could've embraced that love attention and healed. It's so sad.

@Cantonet You're so kind! I've come to terms with it all.