Thread 49 - Covid GCSE Cohort - The nights are drawing in...

[OrangeSpicedBun]

Autumn 🍂 well and truly underway, has been chilly this week !

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.
Previous thread :

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4880640-thread-48-covid-gcse-cohort-summer-before-year-2-uni?latest=1

Yes, medication - DD has just started titration and waiting to kick in, but it's often very helpful. @Alsoplayspiccolo might have advice about this too, as I think her DD is medicated for ADHD.

Here's the post I was talking about.

Undiagnosed ADHD: Remarkable Change www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/4925266-undiagnosed-adhd-remarkable-change

@mummyinbeds DDs house for next year is £96/week plus bills in Norwich which we were delighted with. DS is at UWE, so on the edge of Bristol thankfully, but his house this year is £146/week plus bills and he got that at a reduced rate because they stayed in the same house last year and the LL liked them 😁

Thanks all. He has just come out of the meeting and messaged to say he'd talk to me later as he only has 10% battery left but said it was very good. And there is an appointment in the shared calendar for a disability appointment in January, so I would assume that's to do with a potential diagnosis.

I'll talk to him late afternoon but it all sounds hopeful. I feel a weight has been lifted already, although that may be overly optimistic.

I'm sorry to hear about the DCs struggling, I hope they get the help they need but it does seem like such an uphill battle.

@mummyinbeds how interesting to hear others views on the exam feedback, and very interesting to hear about the one module in particular - we all know which one it is! I hope the uni actually address this.

@stoneysongs your post worried me a bit. I don't talk too much about DS2 on here but he is currently making his A level choices. He has been undecided about a career path and does pretty well across the board so picking his 'best' subject isn't helpful, but he has been adamant he wouldn't be doing maths as he hates it, and was leaning heavily towards Chemistry Biology and History as his favourite subjects. From nowhere he has now decided to go with Maths, Physics and Chemistry and thinking of going towards chemical engineering! I do not know where this has come from other than his group of friends are all top set maths (sitting further maths gcse too) and will all definitely be doing Maths A level. DS2 is set 2 and sitting just the gcse no further maths. I am so worried he's going down this path and will realise too late that he hates it. He is also ND but the Ed Psych was useless and couldn't really decide quite with what.

I have 3 with ADHD.
2 currently medicated successfully.
One is currently refusing meds.
I echo the fact that ADHD often becomes only obvious during teens or older. Dd2(19) copes really well at Uni on meds. At 15/16 she was in crisis mode.
She went from top to the bottom of the class. Couldn't sleep & was permanently exhausted & stressed. The meds were transformative.For Ds2 also.
It can take quite a while for the right dose to be achieved & it can be a very expensive business. ADHD is very much on the rise at the moment. No one knows why.

By contrast, ds hated the meds he tried as he felt low on them. But annoyingly, he asked if he could try them again last year and we discovered that his psychiatrist in Birmingham had signed him off when we'd moved house instead of transferring him to someone here. So he's now back at the bottom of a waiting list!

Dd would like to try meds too but she's on a long waiting list for diagnosis and we can't really afford private at the moment.

@JustHereWithMyPumpkin

It is a big worry. I did the same thing as DS and switched - I had wanted to be a vet since I was a child, but halfway through the first term of Y12 someone said to me "you should do music" and I immediately dropped chemistry for music A level and went on to a music degree, (which I nearly failed). I didn't have any idea what I was doing or what I wanted. It's hard for all DC at that age, but I think ND children in particular can make impulsive decisions without really understanding what they're doing. I think a gap year is best, but neither of mine would consider it. It's tricky when you know they don't have the tools to make the decisions they're making, but can't just tell them what to do!

@JustHereWithMyPumpkin

Should have added that DH (suspected ADHD) did physics because he heard someone say it was the hardest subject 🤦‍♀️
He did finish his degree but with a 3rd, having been a super high flyer at school, interviewed for Oxford etc. I am lucky to have had a really enjoyable working life and might make the same decisions again, but DH would definitely not!
Very difficult to know how to help DC at this age though. I am keeping my fingers crossed for DD's meds and that DS manages to stay on top of everything this year.

@stoneysongs DS started Physics A level as a fourth subject because all his friends were doing maths, FM and Physics and they said he'd taken easy options. He dropped it after one lesson as he realised he had no interest in it (despite getting an 8 at GCSE and DH trying to push him down a STEM route)

@JustHereWithMyPumpkin my DD (diagnosed dyslexic, suspected ADHD/autism, y13) chose chemistry, biology and history, with chemistry being a late choice over psychology. I think she was swung by some persuasive teachers and also because DH and I are scientists (I did physics, chemistry and maths). At the start of year 13 she said she couldn't go on with chemistry and switched to Eng Lit (I posted at some length about this in September). Well, she's like a new person, so much happier. She has now decided to take a gap year so she is taking history and biology next year and Eng Lit / EPQ in the gap year. It gives us longer to hopefully get her assessed for ADHD/autism. But she had to make all these decisions herself, the more DH and I tried to talk to her because she was obviously unhappy the more she retreated. She sorted it all with college herself in the end. But the every day stuff, adulting, may be an issue. She works in a pub at weekends and has to wear all black and never remembers to wash it all on time, always a scramble, is this clean, is that clean.

DH who I strongly suspect of being dyslexic/adhd, has a science degree (1st) and PhD from a good uni and absolutely flew post-18, but had to be schmoozled through a foundation course in English because he couldn't pass O level. He can't do household admin to save his life and has a memory like a sieve. DS is also ND, I am not and sometimes I feel as though I am carrying all of them (DH does have a good job though, it's the home stuff that he can't manage on top).

I cannot comment personally on any of the challenges you and your DC face re ND issues, thought wider family members are well versed with the roller coaster it continues to be. I am in awe of how you all advocate for your DC.

Seems trivial in comparison, but DD finally managed to get back out the door this weekend after last Thursday's shenanigans. Her halls were right in the heart of the troubles, and probably the one time her large, picture window in her room did not help, giving her a ring sight view to all. The area has been subjected to more frequent far right demonstrations vs last year which has made her more conscious of her colour than ever before, but the college it seems, was very on it for those locked in on campus for the night. Her halls were also on lock down, though wine and cheese camaraderie helped dull the angst until the early hours at least.

@mummyinbeds that's what I'm worried about, his friends all going on about those subjects and him thinking he'll go along with it.

@EerilyDecorated DS2 actually loves chemistry and it was always a definite, it's the dropping of history and biology in favour of maths and physics that was the shocker for us. DH and I both did maths and physics A levels which he knows, but we have never advocated for either subject! 😂 The 'upside' I suppose is that our school won't let you take maths A level without an 8 at GCSE and won't let you take Physics without a 7 in that and an 8 in Maths. I guess if he achieves that then maybe he'll be OK...

I do remember you talking about your DD dropping chemistry and taking up Eng Lit, it sounds like she has a great plan in place now and certainly it sounds like she is much happier now which is fantastic.

@ealingwestmum was this with the stabbings in Dublin and the subsequent violence? That must have been very scary for her.

@EerilyDecorated I think I've commiserated before about being the one to carry the family! Dh most likely has ASD and maybe ADHD too and just can't manage any admin; he struggles enough to keep on top of work stuff, and I have to help there too. And I'm pretty sure I also have ADHD, so it's not as if I find these things easy!

Your poor dd @ealingwestmum , that must have been scary!

One of the things that DD's consultant said is that people with ADHD experience time differently - they can't anticipate the future in the same way as NT people. So many things about DH and DD fell into place at that point - like ED's DD, ours can't figure out that she needs to do x now in order to do y later. DH is the same, cannot plan so always late and rushing to catch up with things. He will be cooking a meal for 6pm and we end up eating at 8pm, that sort of thing. It's really stressful for him (and me haha) but hard to help your DH with that sort of thing without basically becoming his mother 🤦‍♀️

@stoneysongs snap! The time blindness is definitely a thing, both my kids have it as well as dh. Getting out of the house is such a nightmare. Last week the three of them were going to a gig and I decided to work from the office, to avoid the stress of them getting out on time. They were supposed to be leaving at 5, but I could tell from the kids' trackers that they were still at home at 5.40! So I couldn't help but get involved. When I rang them it was apparent neither of them were ready and dh was still in the shower. Then once they set off they had to phone me to find out where the car park was, as I am the default organiser for everything, even when I'm not involved! 😫

OK, so I have spoken to him. The student support lady he spoke to was more of a signposting person. He told her about struggling with his mental health and motivation. He didn't tell her he hasn't been to a lecture for two weeks. (The only thing he is going to is labs which are one day a week). They suggested he was depressed and said his only way to get regular 'coaching' is through the disability team and he can meet with them in mid January. They said he really needs a diagnosis from the GP before that. There was no mention of ADHD. He has made a GP appointment for late next week to talk about his mental health.

He has also been put back on the waiting list for 'wellbeing services' which was who he spoke to before in the summer. I don't think that is a regular thing though and no idea how long the waiting list is. Apparently when he emailed before they had changed system and some emails didn't get transferred. The fact that he also messaged the woman's personal work email address as well as the support one doesn't quite support that but who knows.

I said he should email his personal tutor about the support to study plan that he should have been on (as agreed in the summer) but he is reluctant to do so and I doubt he will.

Anyway, he seemed a bit chirpier and is at home catching up on a few lectures. He has tidied his room, done some washing and seems to have made a plan for the next couple of days. He cooked a proper meal for himself for the first time in a couple of weeks so all good baby steps.

I am concerned it is 6 weeks until the meeting with the disability team and have offered him the coaching/counselling through my institute but again I doubt he will do it. When asked how we could best support him, his answer was "money and sweets"...

It's both comforting and distressing to realise how many of our kids are struggling in one way or another. These posts are like a checklist of DS's behaviour which I never recognised. I feel like I've thrown him into adulting without realising I've been his PA for 18 years, and just expected him to get on with it. He's definitely time blind - getting out of the house, oh my goodness 🤦 Forgetful, check. Loses things, check. Insomnia, check. Sleeps through the loudest alarm known to man, check. The list in endless.
On a positive note, he made it to campus for his 10am lecture this morning. Unfortunately, he couldn't get in the building due to a protest and had he read his email since Friday he'd have known there was a room change.

I feel like I've thrown him into adulting without realising I've been his PA for 18 years

I definitely recognise that one. To be fair he's done his own washing for a few years but everything else was organised by me.

My older DD is doing okay despite the many challenges that high anxiety brings, but I worry that my younger DD (yr10) will struggle with "adulting". She is autistic and we strongly suspect ADHD. Very poor executive function and self care. Any suggestions on what to do now to make this easier gratefully received!

Huge sympathy to everyone with DC (or other family members) who are struggling at the moment. DD has found that medication was a life-changer (anxiety) and I hope that people can find things that work for them.

Oh ealing your poor DD. It's been heartening to see how publicly disgusted the majority of Irish inhabitant's were.

So true Piggy

Sorry to read all of this.

@286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen could you possibly persuade him to email tutor. At least there'd then be a paper trail. I'd also email disability aswell asking if he could be put on waiting list for cancellations. Even a chaser can sometimes prompt the system to get your case looked at earlier.

@crazycrofter with dd fo you know who has she been referred to on the nhs? If you could find out which Dr then you could make a single private appointment, if you could afford just the one? and then beg them to escalate the nhs appointment. I've played the system this way twice and it did make a difference.

Hasn't this term gone quick? I'm picking up ds1 from Canary Wharf this Saturday? Where did the time go? Blimey!

I'm back in work tomorrow. I'll see my CEO. Thanks for all the lovely well wishes.

@Oblomov23 have tried to persuade him to email his tutor but he is not keen. Will keep plugging away.

Good luck with your CEO tomorrow.