Thread 49 - Covid GCSE Cohort - The nights are drawing in...

[OrangeSpicedBun]

Autumn 🍂 well and truly underway, has been chilly this week !

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.
Previous thread :

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4880640-thread-48-covid-gcse-cohort-summer-before-year-2-uni?latest=1

I agree the politics in schools is truly horrible.
@crazycrofter remind me where accommodation costs that as I'll be sending my ds that way !
@Oblomov23 I hope your work situation improves.

Thanks... and sympathy to all those in similar situations. (I don't know whether schools are worse than other similar sized organisations for office politics. But they do attract some bloody-minded self-confident teachers!)

Thanks @Shimy no, not on any medication. Support from uni has been very lacking, I am seriously considering a complaint lettter.

ite a difficult scenario. He is spending a lot of money he can’t afford to on Xbox online games and it all adds up as a problem.

Hah found you all, and caught up. Piggy so sorry for your loss. My best friend died last month and it is just so hard.
Everything seems ok with ours, although she’s doesn’t always tell us what’s what. She hasn’t made any friends or been out, but says she likes that. I have felt a bit detached from her, but she hasn’t been home for a few weeks and our Ds is also away all month, and absence has made the heart fonder, and th3 toilet pape4 last longer. I’ve bought them both a lot of stocking fillers.
she is coming this week to collect a dress. Her friend is visiting next week and she says they might go somewhere. So that will be he4 first experience of going out in Birmingham.

Ds text with a diagram of a car accident he almost had. Apparently he's was driving at just over 40mph coming off a dual carriageway onto a slip road, as he got onto the slip road a man was stationary turning to get back onto the carriageway. Apparently Ds almost T boned him. Only just stopped in time. I wish he wouldn't tell me things like that. I should think it scared him a bit. Apart from that, I've not heard much from him. I asked what he wants for Christmas, his reply is always "nothing" He did an e consult with our gp and is being referred to dermatology about his acne. He said it's improved a bit since he's had the dehumidifier. He'd have been better seeing a gp in Sussex really, it'll be a long journey home for the hospital appointment.

@icanbewhatiwant I think you should see that "nearly accident" from a different angle. Shortly after I passed my test I was driving in central London and a child cycled out from behind a van and I did an emergency stop and nobody was hurt. I was very shaky straight after it, but what I took away from the experience was that my reactions worked and I could avoid an accident, you and your DS should do the same.

Re the poor mental health of the next generation, I discovered DS1 was on anti-depressants when he was 18 because I was collecting his recycling and found a box with a prescription label. When I was doing the recycling at his flat last weekend I saw another sertraline box and thought that maybe he was still taking them, but it was his flatmate's. I know his GF was on it too, and I know other young people taking it. Seems a to be shockingly high rate of our DC taking them.

@286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen it's hard worrying about them when they're so far away. My youngest is doing well on Prozac after some very tricky years with undiscovered ADHD & underlying depression. Out of control spending can be a subtle sign of adhd. Just a thought, which may be totally off centre.
So sorry to hear of your tough time at work @Oblomov23. It's horrible when one person comes in & upsets the balance of power.
@PhotoDad I always think of school as hotbeds of politics for some reason.
@Piggy sorry for your loss but how lovely your boys were well enough to attend the funeral.

@Cantonet ADHD has been a thought in the past but not obvious at all. My gut feel is that it’s situational rather than an underlying problem but I don’t know. Thankfully the rest of his spending is generally ok but the Xbox thing very much seems to be a symptom when he’s not quite right. I only know about that as I still get a Microsoft email each time he does. Some historic thing from when we set the Xbox up years ago that we’ve tried to stop unsuccessfully. Thankfully it’s quite handy now as a barometer.

The Plan is to top up some money on the condition he sees student support tomorrow and makes a doctors appointment. I am talking to him later so will see how that goes.

Sorry to hear about ds @286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen but good that you're on the ball with things, so hopefully he'll get some support before things go too wrong.

Good to hear your update @Zebracat

Dd is struggling to cope with everything she has to do but she's got some coaching lined up with a HANDLE practitioner, so we'll see how that goes. She basically speeds through life at 100mph, doing everything just in time and with very little sleep, fitted in around her manic social life. Most probably ADHD and she's on the waiting list for a diagnosis, but we thought some support would be more useful than a label anyway at this point.

Ds (who definitely has ADHD!) is all over the place too at the moment. He's had no teachers for Criminology or Sociology this term, and there's no way he'll go in if there's no teacher there. Then he realises he's not got to be in until 2 the next day so stays up really late and ends up in a cycle of late to bed, late to rise and ends up not going to his Business lessons either. He's really behind and no one (even the Business teacher) is chasing him for work, so I dread to think how his A Levels are going to go in May. Like lots of people with ADHD, he desperately needs structure and routine, but also kicks against it and can't create his own at all. Maybe if dd's coaching helps, he can try the same - except he hates things being imposed on him, so he probably won't be willing.

Solidarity with the ADHD mums - DD has just been diagnosed and is starting medication. While it's great to have the diagnosis, her behaviour has worsened with predictable consequences for relationships in the house. It's not easy when they need but won't take instruction and advice 😬

Thanks @crazycrofter.
spoke to him this afternoon and it’s worse that he had previously said. He hasn’t been to anything at all uni wise for two weeks. I hope we’re not too late for uni. This is his second attempt at year one and unless he gets serious help quickly he is likely to go the same way again. At least if he leaves uni I want it to be his choice, not to be kicked out.

What is a Handle practitioner? Where do we start if uni student support don’t step up? We can pay for private counselling but I wouldn’t know where to go.

this parenting malarkey doesn’t get easier does it??

The HANDLE Institute - What Others Say

@286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen this is the Handle website. We only knew about it as one of dd's uni friends is a practitioner and offered to help her at 'mates' rates', but I'm hoping it has a positive effect - I'll let you know as she's starting over Christmas.

In terms of uni support, it seemed to us that you need some sort of diagnosis to get any, from Nottingham at least, but I know @mummyinbeds has had more luck (but has her ds got a diagnosis, I'm not sure?) I really hope you can get him some help. Is the issue mainly with depression/low mood or do you think there's underlying issues like ADHD/autism too? I know it's really hard for them to take a different route, but uni definitely isn't right for some people. I know it would be disastrous for my ds as he needs more structure. Is there another way to achieve his desired career goal?

@crazycrofter
he says that he is overwhelmed and everything is easier at home. He used the examples of food and washing, ie we have a tumble dryer at home etc. He thinks the main problem is “grown-upping” rather than academic. But the academic side is easiest to let slip as he has to eat, do washing shopping etc.

If he doesn’t get help pretty much immediately, I think he’ll be out of uni. Which may well be the right choice, but he doesn’t think so. we have made it clear that’s all we care about is that he is happy whether that be at uni or at home.

We have said he can come home and think about uni at a future date. we haven’t mentioned the reality that he has used up two years of funding now so we would have to completely fund a year if he did so.

He thinks coming home will just put off the reality of grown-upping that he will have to do at some point.

as for whether he has anything underlying such as ADHD or autism, I really don’t know. He and I certainly both have autistic traits in reality, I think that makes us slightly quirky rather than have a real problem.

The handle website is interesting and he can book an immediate 30 minute appointment. However it says after that they will let you know about fees. Do you have any idea how much we are talking about? Other options are that I can access counselling for him via my professional Institute and I also suspect we can get counselling through the healthcare we have through DH’s work. If needed we can also pay privately. It’s just finding the right provider. And it needs to be fairly quick to start.

He has agreed to physically go to student support today and also make a GP appointment. Let’s hope they are receptive and he can actually do both and come away with appointments.

@286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen when dd is up I'll ask her, as she told me what rates she'd be paying and I know she's getting a 50% discount, I just can't remember what the fees were. Feeling overwhelmed and so letting things slip is definitely an issue for dd too.

I agree entirely that uni isn’t for some. Older DS didn’t go and did an apprenticeship instead as he would have hated uni. He is doing amazingly well.

This DS though has always wanted to go to uni and we thought he’d be well suited so the struggles last year really came as a surprise.

Also didn’t mean to be dismissive about autistic traits. We do have some and we both score highly in popular quizzes but my gut tells me he doesn’t have any significant related problems. I’m very open to someone professional telling us otherwise though.

Thanks again @crazycrofter

Thinking of you @286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen it must be such a worry

Is there a uni he could commute to from home? Or OU do engineering BEng / MEng and you can get finance. There is no rush to be capable of 'adulting', if living at home is best then that's what's best iykwim.

DS struggles with a lot of executive function, I think his friends basically keep him going. Turns out he too stopped attending last year and once things start to slip it's so difficult to get them back. I was exactly the same - I am ASD and DS highly likely too, although doesn't want to be assessed. DD was diagnosed with ADHD recently and her consultant said ND children are often a couple of years behind in these kind of skills but they do catch up. It may be worth thinking about assessment if he scores highly - DS doesn't present as particularly autistic in a lot of ways, he can socialise etc, but this area is where both his and DD's problems surface.

Adulting is hard, really. I keep having tortuous conversations with DS about the difference between having 'radiators off' and central heating.

Thanks @stoneysongs No, there isn't really a decent uni he could commute to from home. The thing is he has always been academic and is at one of the top unis for his subject. I think he would find it very hard to give that up, emotionally or prestige wise. There is also a potential perceived pressure that he has gone to my old uni and is studying DH's subject, but we have made it clear that there is absolutely no pressure at all from us for that. We have been really clear that he can come home and that all we want is for him to be happy whether that is here or there.

Interesting what you say about executive function, that definitely applies. I think from previous conversations that DS is interested in being assessed for ADHD although not for ASD, to put it bluntly I don't think he wants the label.

I am hoping that student support step up this time. He did talk to a lady in the summer which he found really helpful, but had to chase when he got back for the face to face appointment. When it came round about a month ago he overslept and missed it so he has been chucked off their books. He sent a grovelling email and has had no reply at all. He is going in to the office today to try and get help again.

Just had a message from him a few minutes ago that he has injured himself at football again and that was his one lifeline that he loved. Sigh.....

Fingers crossed he does actually go to student support.

@286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen @crazycrofter I can relate to so much of your conversation. DS has had Uni help and has a support plan in place but I think he needed a diagnosis for that. He has depression so could tick the boxes. We're almost certain he also has ADHD - student wellbeing gave him an online test to do and it indicated he needs a formal assessment. Uni can help fund an academic assessment but not a medical one. All this would lead to would be the support plan he already has. We're working on the basis he doesn't need a label to start addressing some of his problems. He has a DSA funded mentor who he is yet to see - he's missed two appointments due to over sleeping. He needs a mentor to sort out his access to the mentor 🤦 Uni have also arranged some counselling which starts tomorrow.
At the moment he is missing far more uni than he is attending and is then overwhelmed by the amount of catching up. I'm must concerned about French. He attended the wrong workshop group, having slept through his, and the tutor was a bit snipey with him. DS took it very personally and can't face going again, even to his own group.
On a more positive note, he has secured a paid position as a Student Wellbeing Ambassador in the Law Department, working on projects with staff (he can get on and do something sometimes. He had to write a 500 word essay to support his application) He was so positive after the first session last week. There were three other students and he said they were all facing issues the same or similar to his. It seems the uni (or a small section of the Law Department) are concerned and listening. @JustHereWithMyPumpkin he brought up how terrible exam feedback was and they seemed to be aware of issues is a particular module.

There is also a potential perceived pressure that he has gone to my old uni and is studying DH's subject, but we have made it clear that there is absolutely no pressure at all from us for that.

This rings very true for us too - DH did physics at Imperial and DS was set on a physics degree for ages despite no pressure from his dad who didn't enjoy his degree and would never recommend it. Now DS has realised he doesn't even like STEM, having done maths, biology and physics A levels.

If ADHD is on the cards it's really worth pursuing assessment because treatment can make a huge difference. I saw a thread the other day about a DS who had been diagnosed while at Cambridge and his life was much improved. DD's consultant said it often happens that clever DC just manage until they don't, and late teens is a crunch time when life admin suddenly ramps up. They're often ok while parents are looking after them.

Oh, and for anyone looking for a uni with cheap housing, DD has just secured her second year house, three minutes from the sea, three minutes from the train station, and three minutes from more pubs than you could possibly need, for £90 a week, including uncapped bills. And they have a spare bedroom. Aberystwyth is the place to be 😁

Very interesting about your consultant's view @stoneysongs . Are you talking about medication I assume when you say treatment?

Thanks @mummyinbeds interesting to hear your experiences too. The oevrsleeping thing, aghhhh. I could have killed DS when he said that he'd missed his one appointment he had chased for about 3 weeks for!

He messaged me a little while ago saying he was waiting in student support for an adviser so I'm hoping he's having a long conversation now and making a plan for further support. Fingers crossed.

@mummyinbeds £90 a week !!!! You lucky thing!

Good luck @286NeuerNahhhhhhhhmen ds, hope he gets somewhere. Ds is also terrible for oversleeping, usually because he can't get off to sleep easily (and I'm sure the late night gaming doesn't help either!).

Dd just about copes with life, but it involves staying up all night and getting the assignment in with 5 minutes to spare, plus bringing home her washing when she's not managed to organise herself enough to do it. On the other hand, her organisation around social events has always been very impressive! But then socialising/friendship has always been her special interest/hyperfocus..

Modern life is hard enough to manage for most people now, the demands have increased massively since the internet/24 hour culture set in, so I can see why there are so many more ASD/ADHD diagnoses happening.