Page 9 | All parents are toxic narcissists apparently and all adult children have experienced trauma …

ElspethBulgeworthythethird · 2023-08-25T08:40:05+00:00

Is anyone else a bit cheesed off with the on-line rhetoric that teens and young adults seem to be plugged in to nowadays…? That somehow everyone is a victim? That every parent is toxic or a narcissist and every woman over fifty is a “Karen”? That everyone is suffering from trauma or needs to “heal their inner child” Oh and then there are all the “special” on-line morning routines that involve, er, getting up, washing, eating your breakfast and maybe exercising; all of which I thought were just standard things that most people did every day without much fuss. I don’t mean to sound horrible or unsympathetic. Of course there are some young men and women who have suffered truly awful upbringings and serious abuse which has traumatised them terribly. I am not addressing them in this post as of course they need proper support. This post is about the comfortable young adults I know (my adult children and teens and their friends) who seem to buy in to the rhetoric of victimhood when I happen to know that they have loving parents and come from good homes where their parents willingly made lots of sacrifices for them. Don’t get me wrong, I happen to think that the period of life between leaving university and getting your first job is one of the most challenging you experience as a young adult; when the struggle finding a job and a flat and new friends and standing on your own feet financially is suddenly very real all at once. It’s just the culture of this generation that seems to make everyone in to a victim that I object to? Somehow everyone is “special” and “in need of healing” and I get labelled toxic if I say to my young adults that although you are special to me, we are just a very ordinary family, and life is about getting on with things and working hard and not blaming everyone else when you don’t put in enough effort and commitment yourself.

Thehouseofmarvels · 22/10/2023 14:40

@ElspethBulgeworthythethird Well the thing is that my fiance's mum would have probably agreed with your OP and felt like her son is overdramatic and ungrateful. Some people do not understand that their actions can cause trauma. We are planning to make sure she doesn't find out when we have a baby because she may behave in a manipulative and aggressive way towards the child and not be able to understand why we were unhappy with this. Even with no contact she might try a stunt like going to court for grandparents rights, knowing her. Some people may think adult children are being ungrateful when the adult children are traumatized. He regularly has actual nightmares about being beaten.

MummyMoo3 · 23/10/2023 09:35

Yes I too am cheesed off, as you so nicely put it, with the general attitude of 'poor me and it's all your fault because you're a terrible parent' band waggon that a minority of my darling teenagers have got onboard. (We have several lovely off spring as a blended family) So I'm not generalising that it's all of them. I was accused of being a 'narcissist' by number 2 son. I think he heard it as number 1 son was trying to spread a disdain for me to anyone that would join him in a campaign of hatred. Yes literally that bad it seems now, with hindsight. He is sadly a very tricky boy. It really frightened me bc back then (5 yrs ago) I hadn't heard the term narcissist so often and linked it with serious personality disorders. I looked it up and was horrified by the list of traits a narcissist would likely exhibit. I asked my son to list which I was guilty off, genuinely thinking I needed help if any at all were applicable. He couldn't point to any at all. He said he'd made a list if my 'issues' and bad parenting events. I asked to share that so I could address his upset with me. No list ever came. It was for some time 'in progress' and not to be shared 'yet'. Then the mysterious list of doom got lost when he lost his phone and wanted a new one. The list never materialised. He never told me anything in it.
Our relationship is an ongoing sad and deeply painful issue but I'm pretty sure having done a lot of work on this, that I am not and never have been anything other than a kind and loving mum with absolutely the best and purest intentions for all my children, the ones that are wonderful members of society and the two that are deeply troubled young men. And I'm not called Karen either. Nor am I a boomer or called 'mate'!

Annie1955 · 28/10/2023 13:22

OMG this is exactly what has just happened to me. My daughter aged 33 who lives/works in Hong Kong with her husband started becoming distant from me/us over last couple of years. I asked her if everything was OK and she suddenly came out with the fact that her father was never there when she was growing up and we were always rowing. He did have to go to work, in hospitality, which is not a 9 to 5 but was there weekends and all important occasions, was actually one of the only fathers at her school plays etc. As for rowing, yes we did but certainly not all the time, it's like she is just focusing on the negatives. Not sure why she has waited until the afe of 33 to suddenly bring it up. We have no idea how to proceed.

EducatingArti · 28/10/2023 13:34

I think, if you want to try and resolve your relationship with her you need to listen to her and accept that is how she is seeing things. No one's memories of the past are totally accurate, but that includes yours. Things that may seem very trivial to an adult can have a huge significance to a child. Listen to her and accept her point of view. You don't have to necessarily agree with her but accept this is how she sees things and that there will be a reason for this.It is always hard to be criticised but it is unlikely that her feelings come out of nowhere. For some reason she feels hurt and that some of her emotional needs during childhood were not met.
You are much more likely to be able to repair your relationship this way than if you just argue with her about how things were.
If this situation continues for a while, you might find some kind of psychotherapy helpful to explore your feelings and reactions to what is going on.

EducatingArti · 28/10/2023 13:35

Ps, she has maybe waited to age 33 because she is only now feeling secure enough in her own sense of self to try and address it with you.

Lavenderflower · 28/10/2023 22:22

Trauma has alway been very common. The difference now is that younger are more open with their feelings and seeking help. I was born in the 80's and raised by baby boomer. My grandparents were part of the silent generation. There are differences in how we deal with situations.

Original poster

ElspethBulgeworthythethird · 29/10/2023 05:14

Well it’s pretty obvious from
reading this thread that some posters are ignoring or misunderstanding what I am trying to address here so I won’t continue with it.

The fact that we can’t have an open discussion about it, kind of demonstrates my point.

There is a definite narrative out there that “everyone is recovering from trauma” and “everyone is a victim” and that
“everyone needs to heal their inner child” and I am sorry but, however hard you try as a parent, family life will always be a struggle to some extent, and I agree with the pp who said that some adult children are only focusing on the negative and are classifying the normal ups and downs of family life as “traumatic” .

I mean do this generation really think that their children won’t criticise them because they have done everything perfectly?

I strongly believe that most parents, well most mothers anyway, try their very best to do what they can for their offspring while battling constant daily pressures. And parenting is not easy. Especially in today’s society where women are meant to parent like they don’t have a job, and work like they don’t have children.

I think my generation of parents, who are in our fifties and sixties now, speaking very generally of course, have put our children at the front and centre of our lives far more than previous generations, having been raised with benign neglect ourselves , and what do we get for our efforts? Being called narcissists and Karens. It’s lovely isn’t it?

Of course I recognise that some children have suffered horrific, completely unacceptable and highly damaging abuse which is indefensible and wrong, and quite rightly, when that has happened and they speak out, the victims are believed.

But you can also have the scenario where the parents are wrongly accused of something and absolutely no one believes them whatsoever. Because, by definition somehow nowadays, to be a parent is to be wrong.

OP posts:

jumpingjennifer · 29/10/2023 06:37

You are spot on OP. It's quite worrying seeing this trend and the heartbreak it brings. I wonder what the next generation will accuse their parents of.

Annie1955 · 29/10/2023 06:55

You are so right and have hit the nail on the head

chattycathy73 · 29/10/2023 07:21

I want to thank you @ElspethBulgeworthythethird for starting this thread, it's been a huge support and comfort. I've been having counselling for the way my daughter has behaved towards me and hearing I'm not alone really helps x

Lavenderflower · 29/10/2023 15:41

This thread is interesting. I think the OP correct that parents in their 50's and 60's probably did put their children at the front and centre of their lives - this doesn't mean they did not harm their children. In some respect, I think making your children too central can be harmful. I think my parents made mistake, however, they doesn't mean they were bad people; they are only human. I have had a conversation and they have apologised. This meant a lot to me. I will be doing the same with my children.

I do think if you children are calling you a narcissist then there is probably something not quite right even if you are not a narcissist. In my experience most people are very protective of their parents even if the parent is in the wrong. If your child goes no-contact, I think you need to evaluate the relationship and consider whether your behaviour can be interpreted as toxic.

EducatingArti · 29/10/2023 17:27

@Lavenderflower. I agree with this too.

Original poster

ElspethBulgeworthythethird · 29/10/2023 18:23

Lavenderflower · 29/10/2023 15:41

This thread is interesting. I think the OP correct that parents in their 50's and 60's probably did put their children at the front and centre of their lives - this doesn't mean they did not harm their children. In some respect, I think making your children too central can be harmful. I think my parents made mistake, however, they doesn't mean they were bad people; they are only human. I have had a conversation and they have apologised. This meant a lot to me. I will be doing the same with my children.

I do think if you children are calling you a narcissist then there is probably something not quite right even if you are not a narcissist. In my experience most people are very protective of their parents even if the parent is in the wrong. If your child goes no-contact, I think you need to evaluate the relationship and consider whether your behaviour can be interpreted as toxic.

I totally believe in apologising to your child when you have made a mistake or when they feel you have done something unfair or wrong or you have upset them in some way, intentionally or unintentionally. It’s very important to apologise and most of my friends think so too.

I disagree about your point about being called a narcissist as the term is used so loosely by young adults atm, this is a slight exaggeration but it’s current meaning seems to be “someone who holds a different viewpoint to my own”. Nor do I agree, very sadly, that all young adults feel protective towards their parents. Some only begin to feel that way as they mature, and become parents themselves.

OP posts:

Writingonthewalls · 29/10/2023 19:43