Son has moved out

[Superangry]

So devastated my 21 year old son moved out on Saturday into his girlfriend’s parents house. What a totally unexpected curve ball!!! I don’t know her parents or even met her, don’t even know we’re they live just the general direction. Something feels totally off !! And I can’t figure out what it is, I can’t stop crying 😭

@LoudSnoringDog I don’t think it’s a good relationship otherwise he would have introduced us … I can only hope and pray that it runs it’s course and he comes home

Ah OP, I think maybe you aren't always aware that you treat him like he's much younger than he sees himself. Some examples below.

You are hoping his relationship doesn't work out so he can come home - but you have no idea if it's a bad relationship and so it's quite harsh to hope he'll end up heart broken just because you want him back home. Even if it doesn't work out, hopefully he'll have a taste of independence and not want to come home. And you can be proud he wants to do that - shows maturity. But if he can sense this negative attitude, he'll be reluctant to include you in the relationship.

You don't think he's mature enough atm to deal with living alone/paying bills etc - at 21 maybe he thinks it's time he learnt and the only way he can do this is by moving away. It's possible he's seen his gf's family set up and thought it will offer him more freedom. And he thinks you'll never be happy with him moving away until you feel he's ready - except he's ready now.

You have tried to find where his gf lives instead of respecting their right to privacy as adults. You're doing it out of concern as a parent but at 21 he won't see it that way. If he or she had seen you driving by, it would have convinced him he was right that you are too involved in his decision making and life.

Similarly with restricting access on FB. It's just a sign he wants privacy to have his relationship without the opinions of his parents. Until he's ready to talk about it with you. The fact he is still sharing with his siblings shows it's a boundary he only has with parents, not the entire family. So that's good because it means he's not alienating himself from everyone. Most young men are coy about relationships with their mums - it's not personal.

So when you do meet him, don't make him feel guilty about the decision to move away and not tell you. Reassure him that you will support him no matter what and would like to meet his gf, but only when he's ready. For some reason he has this idea that you will get upset about him moving away no matter what - so if he can see you be calm and happy for him, he'll feel more comfortable opening up. 21 is that age where he's figuring out his own place in the world, craving freedom etc and it is hard to do around family - so it's just an adjustment for everyone.

I don't think it is a ridiculous post at all.

Remember, we are only hearing this from one side.
It would be very interesting to hear from him why it has come to a situation where the lad felt this was his best course of action.

Yes, I would find it weird if my 21 yr old moved out without any notice, but nowhere near as weird as the image of a person literally driving round a town to try to track down a car to find out where someone lives.

Well as weird and as crazy as it seems I have just done it!!! I now know where my son has moved to ! I hope you never find yourself in the same situation

This happened with my middle DS. He was younger. His GF is his life now and her family. We only get to see him once every six to eight weeks, for about 4 hours. No celebrations with us they are reserved for her family. I hope he will make more effort as he gets older. He's lost contact with all his friends and siblings.
I really feel for you. It's sh*t. I hope he gets in touch and involves you more

It crossed my mind that she might be controlling in some way too

OP I hope youre looking after yourself. others that have called you 'unhinged' have no empathy, any loving mother in your situation would at least want to know where he is, and I'm so glad you do now.

people are so judgemental and high and mighty, would love to know how some of you would be in OP's situation.

@crew2022 am really sorry to hear that, it’s definitely not easy x

@WunWun there’s definitely something as it’s not in his nature to be like this

@sewerrat thank you.. am very far from unhinged BUT I am very concerned for my son. Like you say would be interesting to see how they would deal with it in the same situation

@Superangry
Don't take any notice of people judging. You just can't predict what might happen when they meet a girl.
I am in total shock that my seemingly close family is now in two parts and our son is separate to us (not that we wouldn't expect him to have hi on life just at 19 not to totally isolate from us. He's too young!

@crew2022 ppl can judge if they want, I know my family life we are very tight knit little group. Am feeling positive that he will come back to us with or without his girl. I don’t give up easily!!
yes 19 is far too young , that in fact happened with my sister and her daughter same age, her daughter is now 30 and has regular contact with her mum, I hope your son comes back to you, never give up x

At least you can ready more easily knowing where he is now. It will all work out in time, keep communications open.

How are you feeling @Superangry ?

@Tilllly hi don’t no how am feeling, still pretty numb. Thinking back to this time last week when I felt so good and happy x

You have to play the long game unfortunately

make time for yourself, your son knows you love him deep down. if its a controlling gf situation it will soon be clear to him.

just remind him you love him and the door is always open, and that it doesn't have to ever be discussed again x

@Tilllly@sewerrat thank you , I contacted him during the week said I was off today did he want to meet up.. he said he would call in… offered to pick him up he said no… anyhow have waited all day for him to call and it’s a no show ☹️

Bugger :(

Sit tight
Wait

Play his game, say sorry I missed you today, let me know when you’re next free

@Tilllly @Littlemissprosecco yes apparently he was busy today and tomorrow said he’d come over Saturday… my response no problem see you then
jeepers op very hard to play it cool !!!

Awesome, when you see him make sure he knows you love him no matter what and stay bright and breezy. It will work out ok in the end. He’s young and in ‘love’

But on a positive note, he is communicating with you

Well op he was supposed to call on Saturday to see us and then go camping with his friends, all was cancelled, said he had to work 🤷‍♀️I’m texting him stupid little things every day. Fingers and toes are crossed

I've seen something similar happen to a friend. It was a very controlling, isolating girlfriend situation. It's so difficult as he's an adult but I know from my own adult child (and indeed myself!) that 21 is still very young. I'd be very concerned as to why he's suddenly restricting social media. I'm also a lone parent and I'm very close to my son, I'd he did something like this it would ring alarm bells.

At this stage I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open, make sure he knows the door is always open. Text every few days in a bright and breezy way. I have to say if one of my kids turned up with somebody who they intended to move in, I would want to speak to the parents, or at least have some contact. I wonder what her parents have been told. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I hope you find some answers soon.