Son has moved out

[Superangry]

So devastated my 21 year old son moved out on Saturday into his girlfriend’s parents house. What a totally unexpected curve ball!!! I don’t know her parents or even met her, don’t even know we’re they live just the general direction. Something feels totally off !! And I can’t figure out what it is, I can’t stop crying 😭

Oh OP, this does sound quite worrying and like it's very out of character. Unfortunately I think all you can do is give him the time he needs to land in this new situation. Tell him he is always welcome home to visit or stay. Has he been in touch with his siblings at all since he left?

I don't think it's strange that he wants to live with her, even if it is at her parent's house - they probably can't afford their own place? But it is very strange that you haven't met and you don't know where he is living. You both need to have a longer conversation about it all, if he will let you.

RoachFish yes he has been in touch with one of them

Serena73 I have tried to have that conversation with him multiple times but he still won’t tell me

Could she be from a particular religion that they think you wouldn't approve of?

Have the siblings met her?

Have you found her on social media and rummaged through her posts to determine anything about her?

Jongleterre other people religions don’t bother me neither does race . No his brother and sister have not met her either. Her face book page and her parents are private… my son has also deleted and restricted me on his Facebook page though he does have other family members including his sister… it’s all very strange behaviour for him

Have you asked him what the address is so you can send a little house warming or Amazon package for him?

well @Superangry lay low for the next 48 hours. focus on the other two and maybe if suitable have a chat as to how hurtful and inappropriate their brother's actions have been, start a discussion about should they have a partner in their lives at some point someone important you would like to meet them get to know them and welcome them into the family blah blah blah. mention some stuff about your parents meeting or meeting their dad. dig up a family bbq where cousin jenny introduced her new partner.
my trio are all older but yes the two would often get the group lecture discussing behavior one child did that was challenging.

I have to say the fact you have been driving around the area to see if you can spot her car sounds very unhinged.

I wonder if your ds's perception of you and your likely reaction are quite a long way from the way you describe yourself.

He simply doesn't want you knowing the ins and outs off his life, he's a grown man and knows where you are if he needs you.

I'd be able to have a good stab at guessing which posters on this thread have young adult kids and which don't.

@Superangry this must be hugely distressing. This secrecy is very odd, and I get why you feel anxious at not knowing, even roughly, where he is. It's very strange behaviour on his part, and anyone claiming that this is normal, is mistaken.

To be honest, I'd back away a little and let his siblings do the bulk of the communicating with him. I think he's likely to be more relaxed with them, and not have his guard up so much. Try to keep your own conversations with him light. Presumably he wasn't able to take all his possessions with him today, so he's very likely to return on and off, even if it's just for practical reasons. When he does, keep the conversation calm. Good luck

@saraclara 👍

How sad. I would be devastated! Presumably, she never stayed over? Did he stay at hers?

something's feels totally off

That'll be your inability to cut the apron strings. No wonder he's planned it without telling you and has kept her at arm's length from you, if this is how you react to things. He's 21, a grown ass adult and he's moved out. You haven't had a row, he hasn't said he's going no contact with you, so what exactly is the problem?

We normally share everything

I had a parent like that. It wasn't a good thing. It was a not being allowed any boundaries thing, a control thing, a lack of privacy thing. Mine doesn't understand why they don't know where I live either. They also didn't understand when I grew up finally, developed a backbone and stopped sharing everything. They became very angry, then upset, then confused. They'd swear blind we had a good relationship and have no idea why I "suddenly changed". It wasn't sudden, it was a decade long battle for autonomy that was only achieved by going low contact and keeping personal information private.

the only reason why I did a drive in the general area is to see if I could find where he was living for my own peace of mind

OMG WTF have I just read?! That's stalker behaviour, seriously. Your desire for peace of mind doesn't trump his desire for privacy. Respect his decision to not tell you where he's living and don't try to find him or demand to know. You don't have any right to know, it's his decision if he wants to tell you or not. He's said he'll call you, so wait for his call.

It's not normal for a 21 year old to move out and not tell his parent where he lives. It's also not normal to move in with your girlfriend of 6 months parents either

@saraclara yes it’s very plain to see from some of the “ advice “ who has young adults and who doesn’t!!!
thank you for your kind advice , something is not rite call it a mother instinct, he said he would be calling Thursday ast at present am going to have to comfort myself with that. Feels odd having to arrange to meet up though

@Beeonmyeyelash wow can certainly see your maternal side coming out as for me being unhinged I am very far from it … I’m actually a manager of my workplace with 30 odd members of staff and regularly converse with not only socials service but with educational services aswell.
How dare you describe a concerned parent like that !!! And YES one way or another I will find out where my son lives.
Thank you so much but unfortunately I won’t be taking much heed of your advice, I wonder why that would be. Hope you have a nice day 😊

@TimeToMoveIt thank you I personally don’t think it is either which is why I think there’s more to the story, he has given me feeble excuses saying my house is too noisy and never said it’s because he wants to or has feelings for his girl, infactucated maybe as it’s his first real girlfriend

@Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername totally devastated 😢 I be never met her !!! His siblings have brought and introduced me to various girl/ boyfriends

If he’s restricted you on Facebook I would be very worried about him being in a controlling relationship

Just be there when he comes back when it all goes tits up

People seem to be missing the point that it’s not the fact that he moved out that’s worrying you, but the fact that he won’t tell you where he’s living. It seems really cruel to be actively not giving you that bit of information that could put your mind at rest.

@Beeonmyeyelash - what a ridiculous post. Sounds like you're projecting all your feelings about your own parent onto op.

If any of my adult dcs decided not to tell me where they were living there's no way I would 'respect' that decision. What sort of mother wouldn't find this hurtful and alarming behaviour?

May be there is something regarding her that he knows you won’t like. To the point of disapproval. Like my sister hates tattoos I mean hates them, I don’t like them much but whatever her DS had a GF with loads and she hates them so much she just didn’t like her. Heard all about her and was generally negative, have now met GF at a family wedding and we got on like a house on fire. What a laugh we had.

Maybe you have really strong opinions about politics and she is the opposite to you, something like that? So rather than risk an upset just avoids it all.

If it was one of mine OP I’d be very worried too. I think I’d go along along the lines of…. I’ve brought him up to be independent kind and sensible ( hopefully in the most part), so I’d have to make sure they knew I trusted their decision but was here for them should their circumstances change. Leave some of the communication to their siblings and keep my communication light, like filling in with silly photos of the dog etc…. ( whatever mood mine are in, that always works!). It might take some time for him to realise he misses home and his family as at the moment his life is very exciting.
Good luck, I feel your pain.