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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Son has moved out

137 replies

Superangry · 24/07/2023 12:24

So devastated my 21 year old son moved out on Saturday into his girlfriend’s parents house. What a totally unexpected curve ball!!! I don’t know her parents or even met her, don’t even know we’re they live just the general direction. Something feels totally off !! And I can’t figure out what it is, I can’t stop crying 😭

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Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 20:58

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch yep very unlike him as we normally share everything but this is so totally unlike him

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Tilllly · 24/07/2023 21:03

Superangry · 24/07/2023 20:18

Tilllly I tried to phone him he wouldn’t pick up I then texted him after he had left the house as to wat was going on
he said he was moving out

But he's said he'll call up during the week?

Then sit tight and wait

And don't push for answers
Def something odd going on

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:06

Tilllly yes there’s just something I can’t put my finger on with it all no need for all this secrecy and refusal to give me an address, it’s not as if I can go and visit him it’s not his house so I’ll have to wait until he comes to me .. I contacted him asked him wat he was doing Thursday did he want to meet up… he said he would call over.. I offered to pick him up and he said no

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greenspaces4peace · 24/07/2023 21:07

stay strong @Superangry , the texting you mentioned and saying he would call during the week are positive signs.
can via your friends or his mates mom's find out a bit more about the gal/where she lives? not that this is helpful for a strained relationship but i'd be doing some ground work ;)

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:09

greenspacesforpeace I know what his girls car looks like and did a drive in the general area to see if I can see it … other than follow one night no I’ve no way of knowing

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Fleetheart · 24/07/2023 21:24

Give him some space, you know he’s ok, just wait for him to get in touch. You know how it is, the more you push the more he will withdraw!

CheshireCat1 · 24/07/2023 21:27

I’m glad that you’re still in contact with him by text, it keeps the communication lines open. I wouldn’t put any pressure on him but make it clear that you love him and will support and be there for him no matter what, which I’m sure you will be. I hope things work out for you.

strongcupofTea · 24/07/2023 21:28

I can totally understand your concern.
Anybody that doesn't either has very young children or no children at all.
Their lives go by so quick so the transition from 16-21 is nothing. He's still your son regardless if he's 21 or 15 and you still deserve to know where he's living.
I hope you get answers OP and please try not to worry.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:31

stringcupofTea thank you, it’s more not knowing where he is and wat sort of people his girl’s parents are tbh

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Brk · 24/07/2023 21:32

Wow. How upsetting, I know I’ll be in pieces when my son eventually leaves.

Moving out at 21 is normal, but he’s handling it very badly. How does he reply when you say “I am uncomfortable not knowing your new address, it is weird not having a clue where my son lives, what’s going on?”

My guess is he’s dating a wealthy girl who lives in a very big house and he’s trying to keep his new posh life separate from his roots ie he’s pretending to be posher than he is and doesn’t want you meeting his gf / her family as that’ll make it obvious he’s not posh. But I’m just speculating.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:32

Cheshirecat1 thank you I seriously hope so too x

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Duckingella · 24/07/2023 21:33

At 21 I was married with a baby and a toddler.

Your son is an adult moving on with his life;I'm sure you'll have the chance to get to know his girlfriend and her family;it might be absolutely fine and he can come back home if he needs to.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:34

Fleetheart he’s very stubborn. I know if I push him he will very much do the opposite. Am going to have to sit back and keep everything crossed

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Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:35

BrK his reply is it doesn’t matter were I live it’s nothing to do with you !!
it’s so not normal behaviour for him

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Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:37

Duckingella I’ve made it very clear he can come home at any time day or night

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Mischance · 24/07/2023 21:43

He could be in love - the behaviours associated with being in love fulfil all the symptom criteria of insanity.

Maybe he is in love and thinks you will not approve of her.

Maybe he feared your reaction if he gave more warning of moving out - he has been "yours" for 21 years and knew it would be hard.

Maybe he wants to be free and not letting you know his address is his way of breaking away, as he feared you might try to persuade him to stay; or keep visiting and badgering him. Do you think that is possible?

You have been driving around looking for her car - that is a bit OTT, even though your desire to know where he is is entirely understandable.

He has not cut you off; he is communicating by text and has promised to phone, so you need to play it a bit cool or you will lose that level of contact too.

When you speak to him I think it would be best not to dwell on how you are feeling (because my guess is that this is what he fears) - be positive; say you are glad he has found himself someone to care for and you hope it all goes well for them. Stay upbeat. Do not grumble!!

RosesAndHellebores · 24/07/2023 21:47

@Superangry I am so sorry and can appreciate you must be out of your mind with worry.

Can you tell us a bit more of the context? Is this the first girlfriend? Has he just finished uni, going to uni, at college, finished college, working? Does he usually have a good crowd of friends who you know? What are his interests and has he dropped them at all? Sports? Cars?

I suspect there is something he doesn't want you to know hence the secrecy. Are you in a small town where everyone knows everyone else or a big city where it's harder to hide.

I hope it all works out and turns round. Unlike many on here, I don't think 21 year olds are big, mature, grown ups. I think they are inexperienced and need much emotional support from their families.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:50

Mischance
i wouldn’t badger him or constantly visit as it is not his house but her parents house and cannot visit him.
the only reason why I did a drive in the general area is to see if I could find where he was living for my own peace of mind

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Jongleterre · 24/07/2023 21:52

All is good until he gets a girlfriend who he never introduces to you and is reluctant to even talk about her during the six months he is seeing her until he suddenly ups and leaves to live in with her at her parents house.

Three possible scenarios.

  1. There's a cock under her dress.
  1. You are an embarrassment to him and he thinks you'll show him up in front of his girlfriend and her family. You do come across as being very dramatic so would he have concerns about you?

3, She's a jealous control freak who's turned his head and wants him to drop you.

Which do you think is the most likely scenario?

Mischance · 24/07/2023 21:53

All 3 of my DC are now adult and have left home and they all went with my blessing. When they left my OH was still alive so we had a life together to pursue, so I guess the children felt we would be fine.

It may be that as you are a single parent your son fears your reaction to him breaking free as he knows you have devoted your life to him and that there will be a big black hole in your life. You need to fill your life with things to do and interests - I do this with my AC, telling them all the time the activities I have planned so that they do not feel they are responsible for my happiness.

Negotiating leaving home when there have been just the 2 of you can be hard and my guess is he has taken such a decisive and upsetting approach to it because he does not know how to handle your feelings, or fears you expressing them during the run up to him leaving. He has just cut the tie very suddenly as maybe he feels this is the only way hen can deal with it.

You need to play the long game here. What is your aim? - I am presuming it is to see him happily settled independently and with his own relationships, whilst at the same time retaining a relationship (albeit a different one) with you. If that is your aim, then everything you say and do must be targeted at achieving that. Put aside your indignation and upset and make your communications positive. I know that is not easy, but anything else will lose you what you want: for the two of you to be in contact and getting on together.

I wish you good luck. You are going to have to be strong.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:53

RosesAndHellebores thank you yes am going out of my mind with worry . This would be his first major girlfriend, who he also works with, they met at work
personally I don’t think he is ready for all the challenges that are ahead especially money wise and the cost of paying for everything

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Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 21:57

Jongleterre hopefully he doesn’t associate the second one with me !!!
MAs for the 3 rd option I can’t comment because I’ve never met her and yes it’s definitely a girl

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Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 22:01

Mischance thank you, I have 2 other children here very close in age to him
my hopes for him is that he is happy and goes into better employment than he is in at the minute. He wants to learn to drive and I have offered to pay for the lessons.
As for being strong and positive it will unfortunately take a while I think x

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Motnight · 24/07/2023 22:04

I would be very worried Op as well.

Keep the lines of communication open. Don't overwhelm him with texts but let him know that you love him and are there for him.

Good luck.

Original poster
Superangry · 24/07/2023 22:09

Motnight thank you

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