Entitled Son

[ComfusedFem]

This may be a lot of verbal diarrhoea but here goes. It's been building up for a while so I may ramble so apologies in advance.

I don't really know how much detail to go into to get my point across but I need some hard truths or advice please.

I'm going to try and be factual before I get emotional. My lovely son is 22, he has a pretty well paid job for his age and gradually moving up the career ladder. He has also started a couple of other businesses on his own which are doing well and I always support him, give ideas, take a million packages in etc. I'm proud of his work ethic and he never stops and is so driven. Has a gf and doesn't like partying with his friends much at all. It's all about making money.

However, he seems to be very entitled, I think is the word. We live together in a modest 3 bed new build and he has a younger sibling. He does nothing around the house unless I ask him to, ie empty the dishwasher or take rubbish out. I make all meals and do all cleaning and laundry while I also work part time with a partner who works long shifts. Me and his Dad split when he was about 6 but have managed to maintain a healthy relationship and both families are still in good terms.

Ok, I'll cut to the chase now. He currently pays £150 a month. His room is disgusting and I refuse now to clean it. He expects dinners even if he's not in. I do all his washing. He piles it up behind his door then when I think I'm ontop of it BOOM there ye go. I feel like he's just here and in my way and an irritation. The last straw was tonight.....I have been off work and he said " Have you been actually doing anything to make yourself feel better other than drinking wine"🤣 Which is twice a week. Coming from a 21yr old with no worries or life experience. Or empathy for that matter.

Where have I gone wrong. And what do I do? I'd love your opinions as I'm fed up.

Stop doing his washing, just leave it mounting up in his disgusting pigsty; and don't cook his meals. Let him fend for himself.
If he doesn't like it he can move out

call a meeting, tell him this isn't working for you, and he needs to pull his weight more, He is on a very low rent, I assume that is for him to save up? So he needs to have set weekly chores, like cleaning the bathroom, buying and cooking one family meal a week, and washing up after, doing his own washing and cleaning his room. Or whatever seems fair to you, and he agrees to. The other option is he leaves. Be prepared for him to take this option if you give that ultimation

My 16yo made a slightly snarky comment last night about dinner. I downed tools and said he could make it himself.

stop enabling him. But I think a serious conversation about expectations needs to happen first. Good luck!

Stop being a doormat to your child and lay down the fucking law. You tell him exactly what you expect him to do around the home, how much he now has to pay, and exactly the state he needs to keep his room in. Inform him you will no longer be doing any of his wash. If the little prince doesn't like it he knows where the door is. Your home is not his home. You are just generous enough to allow him to live there as an adult.

What @Aquamarine1029 said.

You need to just stop.

Stop cooking.
Stop cleaning up after him.
Stop doing his washing.

You are not his maid.

Thank you for that! The little Prince part made me laugh in this shit situation.

Honestly the solutions to these issues are always so simple. Just draw a line and give yourself permission to let him sit his own mess out.

As other people have said, just stop doing it. You’ve already stopped cleaning his room so extend that to doing his washings and meals.

Let his filthy washing pile up until he has nothing clean left. He’ll do it eventually. If he can run a business, he can look after his own needs at home.

You call the shots; it’s your house. If he isn’t happy he can always try his luck elsewhere.

Ok everyone saying the same thing so far, I appreciate the replies. He can be a sensitive boy so how do I do this nicely.

Oh god, I am probably a doormat after all. He doesn't know how good he's actually got it. Then, today he said oh guess what Mum I'm getting another pay rise! While I'm frantically trying to cut food bills and panic about the gas & electric. He really has no clue and it's my fault

Exactly!! He's running a couple of businesses and doing well. But doesn't seem to think that I'm drowning in washings and housework and offer to help? Baffles me sometimes

You sit him down and explain he's an adult now, that you're proud of him, and that if he'd gone to uni or lived in a different era he'd be living alone now and having to look after himself - food washing bills the full Monty. And that you're concerned that, when he does move out to his own place, he'll find it a big shock to have to everything all at once.
So you're going to help him in steps to become more independent and to stop babying him.
The first step is, you're not doing his washing. At all. Ever. And you'll stop tidying or even going into his room.

Then in three months you're going to stop cooking his meals - he'll have a cupboard for his own food of his choosing. You could offer to show him how to cook a few meals he likes to get him started.

Stop washing and cooking.
Charge him a proper, realistic rent.
Tell him to move out.

He's only entitled because you are indulgent. Start treating him like an adult. He's not "sensitive", he's taking the.... mick, so you don't need to be nice, just honest and assertive.

Then lay it out to him. He’s old enough to hear the reality of your situation.

Is there any chance he’s playing on this sensitivity thing a bit? Maybe this that is he acts a bit precious you won’t even raise a potentially confrontational topic?

Get his rent up. If he refuses then tell him you need him to look elsewhere and be out by a certain date before your bills become unmanageable. One look at the rental prices online and he’ll realise he’s got it good with you.

Good luck with paying £650+ for a 1 bed flat plus his car and bills😳 I have sat him down before and explained where all our money goes. He just doesn't seem to get it. He actually said if he gets a flat he will get his gf to move in...just to pay for the food. I said son "should you not want to move in with your girlfriend because you love her" He's just thinking about another source of income.

I understand what you are saying. So how do I approach this? He will freak out

It sounds like you’ve explained where the money goes but haven’t changed how much you do for him, so whatever point you’ve made has been lost.

I think you need to back up your words with actions.

Let him freak out. He’ll be freaking out because he’s been comfortably taking advantage for so long that he doesn’t want to lose his status within the house.

I think you could end up with a 45 year old man at home expecting you to make their dinner one day.

No need for shouting or anything. Just a 5 minute chat to say you’re not accepting his room to be in such a state and you’re not prepared to be treated like a member of staff in your own home. Tell him the days of you doing his washing, meals etc are over. That his rent will increase from (date) to (new amount). That you understand if he isn’t happy with that, but the next step is for him to get his own place.

Or just send him the link to this thread. 😂

Thank you for your advice. He does make his own "meals" but for his fitness schedule and to suit himself. The way you said it he could maybe tolerate x

Let him freak out, let him go and find out what it really costs to pay your own way. In my day parents charged their working children a quarter of their take home pay. It was just what happened and I paid it.

He needs to pull his weight, do his own washing and help out around the home. You are not doing him any favours letting him behave the way he does.

He’s not fucking sensitive
he’s a spoilt indulged man child

with regards to his bedroom shut the door and never enter it yourself if he wants to live in a shit pit that’s up to him

i bet you have never raised your voice to him once

tell him the rent is doubling and that just for his room and electric / wifi and the use of facilities so he can do his own washing and cooking and buy his own food

300 a month it doesn’t run to a live in maid or cook or rather a slave / doormat
and if he doesn’t like well there is the door
be sure to lock it when he leaves.

you are the problem not him
most people would love to have a live in slave that only cost 150 a month to run

Actually OP I think your scared of him
asking how to tell him xxx and he will freak out
is he a bit of bully
what sort of freaking out are we talking about
shouting yelling breaking stuff slamming doors

What is 1/4 of your monthly food bill? And 1/4 of your gas, electric and water? I'd start with makingnsure you are charging him at least that. Maybe oh you dai you were getting payrise - I'm glad because I need you to up your contribution to the household now that you are earning well. It will be £x from next payday. Don't listen to any rubbish that's the amount or he moves out.

And as for his washing... just don't do it.

He's a rude arrogant man-child and you will be doing his (future) girlfriends a massive favour to wake him up a bit!

@Im99912 Wow harsh but probably very true. No he's in no way a bully or intimidating. I think it's my guilt or just being a complete pussy that stops me from doing what you all say.

He is one entitled spoilt young man. My kids are 21, 22 and 26 and not one of them would behave like that. How have you ended up doing his laundry? My kids did laundry in high school. Seriously OP you have been way way too easy on this kid.

In your situation I actually think I'd talk to his dad about it - because this is serious in some ways. It is about his character and principles and how he will behave in life. The comment about getting the girlfriend in to pay the bills. he knows the value of nothing. Could you talk to his dad and explain the situation and ask him to sit with you and have a serious conversation with him where you both, in a united front, present to him the actual realities of life as a working 22 year old man (hint - your mommy doesn't wash your jocks).

He should do his own laundry, he should buy and cook his own food unless you cook for him as a favour and treat, his rent should be a reasonable contribution, he needs to clean his room regularly because this is YOUR home and he doesn't get to wreck a room in that house because he is a lazy shite.

Sorry OP but you sound lovely and gentle and he sounds like he does have some good qualities but this is a real moment to turn him onto the right path and become a decent man.

FFS as if the world wasn't overpopulated with enough of these 'men'
He's not sensitive. He's a dick and a bit repulsive.

Pull him up.
Sit him down tell him he's a dick and from now on he does his own laundry. Hos own food he scrubs the bathrooms, kitchen and living room once a day and his bedroom is spotless.

And he's also paying more. Try and fix whats fucked before he inflicts himself further on society or his poor girlfriend.