Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Entitled Son

115 replies

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 21:52

This may be a lot of verbal diarrhoea but here goes. It's been building up for a while so I may ramble so apologies in advance.

I don't really know how much detail to go into to get my point across but I need some hard truths or advice please.

I'm going to try and be factual before I get emotional. My lovely son is 22, he has a pretty well paid job for his age and gradually moving up the career ladder. He has also started a couple of other businesses on his own which are doing well and I always support him, give ideas, take a million packages in etc. I'm proud of his work ethic and he never stops and is so driven. Has a gf and doesn't like partying with his friends much at all. It's all about making money.

However, he seems to be very entitled, I think is the word. We live together in a modest 3 bed new build and he has a younger sibling. He does nothing around the house unless I ask him to, ie empty the dishwasher or take rubbish out. I make all meals and do all cleaning and laundry while I also work part time with a partner who works long shifts. Me and his Dad split when he was about 6 but have managed to maintain a healthy relationship and both families are still in good terms.

Ok, I'll cut to the chase now. He currently pays £150 a month. His room is disgusting and I refuse now to clean it. He expects dinners even if he's not in. I do all his washing. He piles it up behind his door then when I think I'm ontop of it BOOM there ye go. I feel like he's just here and in my way and an irritation. The last straw was tonight.....I have been off work and he said " Have you been actually doing anything to make yourself feel better other than drinking wine"🤣 Which is twice a week. Coming from a 21yr old with no worries or life experience. Or empathy for that matter.

Where have I gone wrong. And what do I do? I'd love your opinions as I'm fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:26

@Username721 No I wasn't actually joking. Considering I can't assert myself or throw him out the house. Maybe he should just read some home truths too without me saying it and everyone on Mumsnet agreeing. Thanks

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2023 23:34

Of course you can assert yourself. You're just not, which is ridiculous. He's your son, it's your house. You are doing him absolutely no favours.

Original poster
ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:49

Ok on the next note. I ask him for a sit down chat on Sunday. Lay down the rules which will be:

  1. Pay £200pm - should be £600 if living in a rented house.
  2. Do your own washing
  3. If making meals, clear up mess
  4. Don't leave shit for me to clear up
  5. Clean that room cause Aughhhh
  6. Wipe down bathroom after use
OP posts:
Liorae · 16/03/2023 23:52

The comment about getting the girlfriend in to pay the bills. he knows the value of nothing.
He certainly knows the value of having someone else to pay the bills!

minou123 · 17/03/2023 00:02

I think that is a good plan @ComfusedFem .

You know your son better than us, but what is your plan to enforce these rules if he doesn't do them?

For example, will you say something like:
If you do not start these new rules by Monday and abide by them, then you will have to find your own plave to live by 1st May.

I just have a feeling he will either, kick off, try to negotiate or will do them for a week and then go back to normal.

Original poster
ComfusedFem · 17/03/2023 00:03

That's been the most upsetting thing he has said. He'd rather his GF move in to pay for food etc. Not because he actually wants to live with her.

Whoever said "I've created a monster" maybe I have unintentionally.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2023 00:03

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:49

Ok on the next note. I ask him for a sit down chat on Sunday. Lay down the rules which will be:

  1. Pay £200pm - should be £600 if living in a rented house.
  2. Do your own washing
  3. If making meals, clear up mess
  4. Don't leave shit for me to clear up
  5. Clean that room cause Aughhhh
  6. Wipe down bathroom after use

£200pm is a joke. You're still paying for his utilities and food? Get serious. He pays £500pm and he buys his own food. FFS, make him join the real world.

Original poster
ComfusedFem · 17/03/2023 00:08

@minou123 I get what you are saying.

Ok so what should I do? Have the major sit down talk on Sunday. Then split the cost of finances. Actually I'll need to work out what it all costs first! Then give him a fright

OP posts:
Ghostbuster2639 · 17/03/2023 00:08

If he lived on his own do you think £200 would buy his food for a month?

You are obviously dreading this conversation and you wont want to have another one, so get it right first time. £200 is a joke and you will be allowing him to financially exploit you.

Considering his unpleasant remark about getting his girlfriend to buy his food his financial exploitation needs nipping in the bud right now.

Also don’t mention his room. Let him live like a pig if he wants to.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/03/2023 00:08

OP none of this is what you would have chosen.

You have done the best you could at the time weighing up all the information you had .

Go easy on yourself.

This doesn't need to be war - just a discussion of boundaries with him which will ultimately protect your relationship with each other.

Hes not malicious... this is a young 22 young year old , which is still very young and hes just not really thinking... and what we know about young people , is that their brain does not mature until they are around mid to late twenties.

This can be worked out Flowers

PeekAtYou · 17/03/2023 00:13

Stop washing and cooking. He is acting like this because he's treated like a child.

I have a dd at uni and when she comes home she does her own laundry /ironing which she's fine with as it's her clothes.

Her younger brother is in sixth form and hates housework but has realised that it suits him to clear his dirty clothes off his bedroom
floor every Friday after class so that there is plenty of time to wash his favourite stuff to wear at the weekend and following week. He went through the stage of flipping out that dirty clothes on his bedroom floor wouldn't be magically washed when he was about 11.

£150 is a bargain for his share of utilities and Council tax. The cheeky sod should sort his own food.

Ghostbuster2639 · 17/03/2023 00:13

The bills need to be split amongst the working adults in the house.

Your son is so entitled he begrudges paying for his own food, yet expects the women in his life to cough up gladly. That’s a piss take and it needs stamping out right now.

Original poster
ComfusedFem · 17/03/2023 00:18

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/03/2023 00:08

OP none of this is what you would have chosen.

You have done the best you could at the time weighing up all the information you had .

Go easy on yourself.

This doesn't need to be war - just a discussion of boundaries with him which will ultimately protect your relationship with each other.

Hes not malicious... this is a young 22 young year old , which is still very young and hes just not really thinking... and what we know about young people , is that their brain does not mature until they are around mid to late twenties.

This can be worked out Flowers

That's what I thought too. I don't want to fall out or have arguments. Unfortunately I thought he'd get more thoughtful as he got older as he's a good boy.

My guilt is obviously coming into play here and I'm letting him away with murder

OP posts:
Original poster
ComfusedFem · 17/03/2023 00:26

Ghostbuster2639 · 17/03/2023 00:08

If he lived on his own do you think £200 would buy his food for a month?

You are obviously dreading this conversation and you wont want to have another one, so get it right first time. £200 is a joke and you will be allowing him to financially exploit you.

Considering his unpleasant remark about getting his girlfriend to buy his food his financial exploitation needs nipping in the bud right now.

Also don’t mention his room. Let him live like a pig if he wants to.

Fair point also. He's basically exploiting me as it is. In his mind asking another to move in it's basically for money. Not because he wants to live with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComfusedFem · 17/03/2023 00:27

Ghostbuster2639 · 17/03/2023 00:13

The bills need to be split amongst the working adults in the house.

Your son is so entitled he begrudges paying for his own food, yet expects the women in his life to cough up gladly. That’s a piss take and it needs stamping out right now.

Very true thank you x

OP posts:
minou123 · 17/03/2023 00:31

I dont think this needs to be a war, or any need for screaming, shouting, getting cross.

I think you can have this conversation politely and respectfuly. But if you are going to lay down new rules, you have to stick to them. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁
But, as an adult, I know (unless I pay a cleaner) I have to do these things for myself and I can't mistreat people to do it for me.

In fact, I'd love to come and live with you @ComfusedFem. Free washing, meals, food, cleaning all for £150 per month. Sign me up 😁

LadyJ2023 · 17/03/2023 00:40

Entitled because you enabled the spoiling. Reap what you sow. Only way around is is have a clear as crystal chat and say enough is enough and why only minimal rent.

Pallisers · 17/03/2023 00:41

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁

But you wouldn't - I hope. none of us would. Would you really be jumping up and down for joy if your mother did your washing cooking and cleaning for you without pay? Would you be jumping if an illegal immigrant who needed the money did it for half nothing? Would you be jumping up and down if your husband did it because you refused to do it and he couldn't live in a pig sty? Judging by your post you wouldn't be jumping up and down, you'd be deeply ashamed of yourself.

We are adults. We live like adults and take responsibility for getting ourselves through life - that includes paying your way and cleaning up after yourself and feeding yourself. Ideally the lessons in this would have started earlier in life but 22 isn't too old to learn the reality of life.

minou123 · 17/03/2023 00:57

Pallisers · 17/03/2023 00:41

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁

But you wouldn't - I hope. none of us would. Would you really be jumping up and down for joy if your mother did your washing cooking and cleaning for you without pay? Would you be jumping if an illegal immigrant who needed the money did it for half nothing? Would you be jumping up and down if your husband did it because you refused to do it and he couldn't live in a pig sty? Judging by your post you wouldn't be jumping up and down, you'd be deeply ashamed of yourself.

We are adults. We live like adults and take responsibility for getting ourselves through life - that includes paying your way and cleaning up after yourself and feeding yourself. Ideally the lessons in this would have started earlier in life but 22 isn't too old to learn the reality of life.

Well this is a completely pointless post.

If you had quoted my full paragraph. I said:

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁
But, as an adult, I know (unless I pay a cleaner) I have to do these things for myself and I can't mistreat people to do it for me.

I'll repeat, underlined for you and eveything:
But, as an adult, I know (unless I pay a cleaner) I have to do these things for myself and I can't mistreat people to do it for me.

If you'd bothered to read it, I have already said that.

Phoebo · 17/03/2023 01:02

Cut the apron strings and tell him to move out if he's not going to pull finger. All you're doing is creating someone who is going to be a terrible husband for someone if he doesnt grow up very soon

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/03/2023 01:16

Just remember his brain isn’t fully developed yet. Hopefully he will get used to the changes at home.
definitely don’t do his washing anymore. Give him a list of chores, and make it fair. He can do his fair share. If you think it’s likely to be ignored, let him know what the maid fee is. And if he won’t pay it he has to move out.
You can do this!!

Pallisers · 17/03/2023 01:34

minou123 · 17/03/2023 00:57

Well this is a completely pointless post.

If you had quoted my full paragraph. I said:

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁
But, as an adult, I know (unless I pay a cleaner) I have to do these things for myself and I can't mistreat people to do it for me.

I'll repeat, underlined for you and eveything:
But, as an adult, I know (unless I pay a cleaner) I have to do these things for myself and I can't mistreat people to do it for me.

If you'd bothered to read it, I have already said that.

Show quote history

oh for gods sake of course I read your post.

I just didn't realise that when you wrote:

I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd be jumping up and down with joy.😁

I should have read " I'm a lazy so and so, if I could get someone to do my washing, cooking and cleaning for me, I'd WOULD NOT be jumping up and down with joy.😁

Pointless post then.

BeesOnLavender · 17/03/2023 01:34

What to say? "Here's the new house rules son: do your own laundry, keep your room clean, in addition this is the new household weekly chores rota - your colour is blue, and there's a rent increase to £400/month effective from April 1st. If you disagree, feel free to move out. If you fail to comply, you won't have a choice in that matter. We love you, but frankly you've grown up to be a bit of a dick, a bit too selfish and a workaholic. My bad, but here I am putting it right. You can thank me later, when you've been married long enough to see friends wives divorce them for similar reasons"

BaroldFromEastenders · 17/03/2023 01:52

I think he sounds incredibly thoughtless and the low rent would be justified if he was clean and tidy and helping to maintain the house you all live in. I would whack the rent up with an eye to encouraging him to move out. It must be shit every time he trots home and brags about his latest pay rise while you’re struggling to keep a roof over his ungrateful head. You’re a great mum - time to stop letting him take the piss out of you

MissMarplesbag · 17/03/2023 02:31

Liorae · 16/03/2023 23:52

The comment about getting the girlfriend in to pay the bills. he knows the value of nothing.
He certainly knows the value of having someone else to pay the bills!

As he sees people as another source of income then you should see him as another source of income. He needs to be treated in exactly the same way as he treats others.

Charge him £400 which is still 3/4 of the going rate of renting a single bed flat. If he's a successful business man with multiple income streams, then he should pay his way.