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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Entitled Son

115 replies

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 21:52

This may be a lot of verbal diarrhoea but here goes. It's been building up for a while so I may ramble so apologies in advance.

I don't really know how much detail to go into to get my point across but I need some hard truths or advice please.

I'm going to try and be factual before I get emotional. My lovely son is 22, he has a pretty well paid job for his age and gradually moving up the career ladder. He has also started a couple of other businesses on his own which are doing well and I always support him, give ideas, take a million packages in etc. I'm proud of his work ethic and he never stops and is so driven. Has a gf and doesn't like partying with his friends much at all. It's all about making money.

However, he seems to be very entitled, I think is the word. We live together in a modest 3 bed new build and he has a younger sibling. He does nothing around the house unless I ask him to, ie empty the dishwasher or take rubbish out. I make all meals and do all cleaning and laundry while I also work part time with a partner who works long shifts. Me and his Dad split when he was about 6 but have managed to maintain a healthy relationship and both families are still in good terms.

Ok, I'll cut to the chase now. He currently pays £150 a month. His room is disgusting and I refuse now to clean it. He expects dinners even if he's not in. I do all his washing. He piles it up behind his door then when I think I'm ontop of it BOOM there ye go. I feel like he's just here and in my way and an irritation. The last straw was tonight.....I have been off work and he said " Have you been actually doing anything to make yourself feel better other than drinking wine"🤣 Which is twice a week. Coming from a 21yr old with no worries or life experience. Or empathy for that matter.

Where have I gone wrong. And what do I do? I'd love your opinions as I'm fed up.

OP posts:

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 22:55

From all the responses I'm going to do it! On Sunday. I think we will all sit down and discuss what it costs to run and take care of the home. This will NOT go well. Do I give his Dad a heads up incase he wants to go there? And do the same thing. Although they probably wouldn't accept it.

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pettysquabbles · 16/03/2023 22:56

My 22yr old pays £180 a week and has to do all his own washing, cleaning and cooking.

PinkSyCo · 16/03/2023 22:57

Sit him down. Tell him with the cost of living going up all the time there’s no way you can continue to keep him on 40 measly quid a week, especially with as he expects you to skivvy after him too! I would continue to cook for him if I am cooking anyway but double his rent and let him do his own washing and cleaning of his room at the very least!

MumOf2workOptions · 16/03/2023 22:57

2bazookas · 16/03/2023 21:55

Stop doing his washing, just leave it mounting up in his disgusting pigsty; and don't cook his meals. Let him fend for himself.
If he doesn't like it he can move out

Exactly this
If actually send him some right move links

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 22:58

@Lefteyetwitch he's definitely a dick but not repulsive thanks.

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Lefteyetwitch · 16/03/2023 23:00

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 22:58

@Lefteyetwitch he's definitely a dick but not repulsive thanks.

Your ignorance is what has made this.

He is the definition lf repulsive.

Not only his disgusting hygiene, his misogynistic and vile comments and the idea that he must be weighted on throughout life.....

Your son is repulsive.

Take off the goggles.

cestlavielife · 16/03/2023 23:01

Up to hom to duscuss with his dad.
Your house your rules.
What his dad does is not your issue.
You could say that
He is 22 now
From next week you are treating him as an adult. (Not his maid any longer). Happy to show him the washing machine and how it works or he can pay laundry service wash his choice.
.
Further, he has to pay going rent which is £120 per week and
If he chooses to he can of course move out

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:02

God, I'm getting it bad now. I did ask for honest opinions and the hard truth. I think I just have past guilt from me separating from his dad and he had health issues during his teenage years. No excuse though. I definitely need to grow a pair and face this head on

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Im99912 · 16/03/2023 23:05

@ComfusedFem that’s one thing then
it just seemed that you were a bit scared of his reaction so it’s good he’s not a bully

just a entitled young man with a mother who he this is his slave

honest you really really aren’t doing him any favours

my adult son 28 who’s only just moved out
didn’t pay any rent
I didn’t need the money so he had a pretty easy lifestyle
but he cooked cleaned for himself and was never rude .

and yes his room was a bit of tip but my rule was keep the door shut so I can’t see anything
if it’s open and I can see the mess I will throw everything that’s on the floor in the bin 😂

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:05

@Lefteyetwitch

Your ignorance is what has made this.

He is the definition lf repulsive.

Not only his disgusting hygiene, his misogynistic and vile comments and the idea that he must be weighted on throughout life.....

Your son is repulsive.

Take off the goggles.

Fair enough, I get your point and understand it. Trying to take the goggles off

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determinedtomakethiswork · 16/03/2023 23:06

You are doing him absolutely no favours by making him think that he can live with you for virtually nothing and treat you like a slave. His girlfriend or future partner will really really suffer as a result as well.

Not only that if he is a businessman, he needs to realise that ordinary people have expensive bills they need to pay. If he thinks everyone is playing what he's playing that he must think I have a lot of spare income.

I think he should be paying at least 400 per month and doing his own washing.

cestlavielife · 16/03/2023 23:06

Your job is to teach him to be an independent adult. Able to run his own house.
22 is time.
Or were you hoping to keep.him with you til.he is 30? Do you waNt him to treat his gf same way he treats you?
Think of it as teaching him to be a suitable adult human who can cope in the real world
This is little to do with costs but about creating a humsn being who wil not walk over the women in his life

minou123 · 16/03/2023 23:06

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 22:51

@Im99912 Wow harsh but probably very true. No he's in no way a bully or intimidating. I think it's my guilt or just being a complete pussy that stops me from doing what you all say.

You are correct.

And sorry if this sounds harsh, but this kind of your fault. Has he ever had to do chores, hoovering, clean, washing etc?

When I'm dating a guy, I always see how he treats his mum. This often gives me a good indicator of how he will treat me.
Would you be comfortable if he treated his gf or future wife the same way he treats you and your house?

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 16/03/2023 23:10

@ComfusedFem I think the tone of the replies is harsh but ... it's basically the truth. You are doing him no favours at all by letting him walk all over you like this. Nor his current/ future partners.

I'd be horrified if my sons (or my daughter) reach adulthood without doing their own laundry! As a young adult with a job, the very minimum I would expect is that they do their own washing/ ironing, keep room in order and share in ALL household tasks. Fair enough if you want to charge less rent so he can save (to the point you can afford it) but everything else should be a given.

Please stop this now. If he gets arsey about the changes then that's just one more sign that you're doing the right thing.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 16/03/2023 23:10

My boys both cook at least twice a week (for all the family not just themselves) and they’re only 13 & 15. No reason whatsoever that your son couldn’t do the same.

Train007 · 16/03/2023 23:11

I have a very successful son who is earning an eye watering amount for a 22 year old . He is actually lovely and pays a very nominal amount for rent . He is actually really lovely but he has definitely changed since working in amazing office in London and is very popular with his mentors and fellow graduates. Am basically playing it by ear…if he gets too entitled and nobby I shall have a word!!>

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2023 23:11

It is completely insane how you walk on eggshells around your son. You're actually concerned that he will "freak out" when you change the terms and conditions of living in your home? Fucking hell. You have created a monster. You have raised exactly the entitled, lazy man that we hear about on MN. I have a 25 year old son and I would be so ashamed if he were like your son.

RandomMess · 16/03/2023 23:11

With the cost of water, fuel and food you are most likely subsidising him still.

I'd be telling him he does his own washing and drying at a launderette from now on.

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:12

@minou123 No definitely not, I thought I did my best to bring him up well. He's very empathetic of his friends and girlfriends feelings. He talks to me all the time about his relationships. It's just me he treats like crap. I think he takes me for granted as In "I'm his Mum" I'll always be there for him but I'm getting sick and tired now. It's all take take.

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Blueuggboots · 16/03/2023 23:13

My 12 year old puts his clothes to be washed, helps around the house, helps to cook meals.
If he needs clothes in a hurry because he's forgotten to empty his PE bag for example, he does it himself!!
Stop pampering to him. You're doing him no favours AT ALL.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/03/2023 23:17

I'm concerned that you say "this will NOT go well" - what exactly do you think he'll do? It sounds like maybe he needs to develop his empathy with you a bit more. You might find this podcast on How to raise emotionally intelligent kids helpful - I've got several adult sons living at home and this stuff is still applicable. Basically you can just communicate more about how you are actually feeling. Think aloud. Let him know that you NEED his financial and physical help. Being needed is good for people. It makes us feel valued. Read this article on Don't do stuff you hate anymore.

You can just say to him "I'm worried about paying the bills. My expenses have gone up and I need a bigger contribution from you."

You don't need to change all this stuff at once, but clearly some impact you a lot so need to be prioritised. I'd forget about his room - close the door. Don't go in there.

Stop doing his laundry - that is an easy win for you. My kids do their own laundry from about age 10 - it's a life skill. Does he know how to do it himself? If not, he needs to learn.

Give him some clearly defined jobs that are done daily, so that he gets in a routine and you don't have to keep intervening. Accept that him doing it imperfectly / differently may be the price you pay for having help.

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:20

Thanks for all your responses. I think I might just send him this thread and save me the bother

OP posts:

minou123 · 16/03/2023 23:21

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:12

Of course you did your best, and I hope my comment wasn't too harsh. I really don't want you to think I'm criticising you as a mother.

The thing is at the moment he isn't living with his friends or girlfriend. I'm sure he is a lovely friend/boy friend. But there is a world of difference between seeing someone and living with someone 😁

Because he is so used to you waiting on him hand and foot, there is a real risk that when he comes to live wirh his gf/wife. He will expect the same from them.

His thought process will be "well my mum had my tea on the table every night/ did all my washing, So why can't the gf do this as well"

Your his mum and you love him. You need to reframe this in your head.
Your not saying this to him to be "mean" or punish him. You are doing this for his own good.

Username721 · 16/03/2023 23:22

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:20

Thanks for all your responses. I think I might just send him this thread and save me the bother

You’re probably jesting but would it be such a bad idea?

The consensus has been unanimous and maybe it wouldn’t do him any harm to see what opinions people are likely to have of him in everyday life.

Original poster

ComfusedFem · 16/03/2023 23:22

@DivorcedAndDelighted thank you. That as a really helpful response. I'll look into those links.

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