Entitled Son

[ComfusedFem]

This may be a lot of verbal diarrhoea but here goes. It's been building up for a while so I may ramble so apologies in advance.

I don't really know how much detail to go into to get my point across but I need some hard truths or advice please.

I'm going to try and be factual before I get emotional. My lovely son is 22, he has a pretty well paid job for his age and gradually moving up the career ladder. He has also started a couple of other businesses on his own which are doing well and I always support him, give ideas, take a million packages in etc. I'm proud of his work ethic and he never stops and is so driven. Has a gf and doesn't like partying with his friends much at all. It's all about making money.

However, he seems to be very entitled, I think is the word. We live together in a modest 3 bed new build and he has a younger sibling. He does nothing around the house unless I ask him to, ie empty the dishwasher or take rubbish out. I make all meals and do all cleaning and laundry while I also work part time with a partner who works long shifts. Me and his Dad split when he was about 6 but have managed to maintain a healthy relationship and both families are still in good terms.

Ok, I'll cut to the chase now. He currently pays £150 a month. His room is disgusting and I refuse now to clean it. He expects dinners even if he's not in. I do all his washing. He piles it up behind his door then when I think I'm ontop of it BOOM there ye go. I feel like he's just here and in my way and an irritation. The last straw was tonight.....I have been off work and he said " Have you been actually doing anything to make yourself feel better other than drinking wine"🤣 Which is twice a week. Coming from a 21yr old with no worries or life experience. Or empathy for that matter.

Where have I gone wrong. And what do I do? I'd love your opinions as I'm fed up.

Can you not discuss this on Sunday? If he's going to be upset, don't let this ruin your Mother's Day.
Do you think he will make you breakfast or at least a cup of tea for Mother's Day?

If he doesn't, that could be a good way to bring it up on Monday?

OK then 👌

Hasn't he got the hint and moved out?!

Charge him more and do less. Who cares if he “freaks out”? He needs to grow up.

I’d immediately stop doing any washing or cooking for him. I’d also be charging him at least 100 a week.

It sounds like you are scraping by and he has lots of money for luxuries. He needs to pay his fair share. That's for the roof over his head. He buys his own food or pays more for that. He needs to pay a third of all bills.

He cooks and cleans on a rota.

Charge him more and put your foot down about housework.

A friend of mine in her early 60s now has a 34, 29 and 24 year old at home as she makes it so cushy for them and 'doesn't want to see them on the streets'. Don't make her mistake!

He asked me if I wanted to go for a meal on Mother's Day but I'm away Sat into Sunday so I said not to bother but the thought was there.

I've read through all your replies and it's given me the courage to bring this up in the next week or so. I have to do something. So I'll just bite the bullet and see what happens. Thanks for all your opinions and advice on my "vile little sod"

Thanks for that link. I'll have a read

Oh okay, well as you say, the thought was there. That's nice.

Good luck for this week - he and his future partners will thank you for this in the future.

@ComfusedFem hes not particularly sensitive to your feelings OP. The other thing to consider is if he treats you as his mum like this how on earth will he treat his GF. I wouldn’t want my DD’s being an extension of a man’s mother.

Good luck op.
I think some answers are harsh but maybe that's because the truth hurts.
It's a good time to do this if he's just said he's got a pay rise.

My ASD 21 year old pays me £375 board and lodgings out of his pip/UC because I cannot afford for him to live here for free. For that, he gets broadband, electricity, gas, heating, water, council tax, basic toiletries, a cooked evening meal and food essentials (bread, fruit and veg, cheese, milk, cereals etc) in the cupboard/fridge to which he can help himself for breakfast and lunch. If he wants anything above those basics, he pays for them himself (he has limited capacity for work but still has more disposable income than me). He is STILL expected to do his own laundry and make his own breakfast/lunch, and keep his room to a reasonable liveable standard. And his ASD makes that quite challenging for him but he STILL does it. It's taken a while to get him consistent but he absolutely has to do those things. He's also sensitive to criticism but we have to navigate that, uncomfortable though it is.

Oh, And walk the dog once a day.

You are being taken for a mug.

Good luck with the chat. Don't take any nonsense.

I hate this "his brain isn't fully developed yet". He's 22, not 12.
At 22 I was working full time in a minimum wage job, living with my boyfriend, doing all my own cooking, cleaning and washing, paying 50% of the bills/rent/car etc.
He has a well paying job, runs his own businesses, I think his brain is fine. He's just entitled and lazy because he has been allowed to be.
@ComfusedFem haven't RTFT but everyone has told you (rather harshly) what has caused this and what needs done so I'm not going to pile onto that.
When I was 17 I took a year out to work before starting uni, I earned £1000 a month and paid my mum and stepdad £300 of that. I did my own washing, bought a lot of my own food and cooked for myself if I wasn't going to be home at dinner time. When I started uni I paid £150 but still did my own washing, my own cooking and bought my own food.

Got a similar problem. Mine pulls the I’m tired or the mental health card or simply just goes out and comes back late if housework is mentioned.

The last straw was tonight.....I have been off work and he said " Have you been actually doing anything to make yourself feel better other than drinking wine"

I would start with 'I've been thinking about what you said the other day about things to make myself feel better. In fact there is something that would help considerably....' Love the fact that he is currently operating at about a 12 year old level, he needs to know that.

If you don't address it now as others have said it will become a girl friend's problem. However at some point she may become sick of it and return him to you. So many threads here show the ex has gone home to be waited on by the parents, plus by that time he might have a couple of children EOW, who you will also be looking after. Do you want to be doing that in 15-20 years? Picking up after your 35/40 year old kid? Him telling his children not to worry about dropping wrappers because Granny will pick them up. Dumping all their school uniform on you every other Sunday morning telling you he needs them washed today for school in the morning. Telling you he can't pay rent because of child maintenance.