Son attacked on his first night at Uni

[SallCymru]

I’ve currently been awake since 4:30 this morning unable to sleep.
I took my son to his new university accommodation on Saturday, over 4 hours away.
He messaged me yesterday morning saying he’d broken his phone along with a picture of his bruised and bloody face. Told me he got drunk and fell over.
I have since found out from his older brother that he was attacked whilst alone and drunk and I’m in absolute bits.
I know he probably lied in order for me not to worry but now I’m absolutely petrified for him.
We live in a tiny rural village and he’s probably led quite a sheltered life compared to someone from a big city. I just want to help him and keep him safe.
I’ve bought my 3 kids up on my own for the past 11 years and have no support so I’m going out of my mind with worry.
How do I deal with this? Anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice would be great.
Thank you.

Op sending you a huge hug it's worrying enough when they go away to uni without something like this happening, hope your son recovers ok and that this does not put him off uni as it's already a huge thing he's going through moving away from home ect.

Unfortunately there are always groups of ‘local’ lads who resent Uni students coming in to ‘their’ town / city and, when pissed up themselves, have a go at any easy targets that present themselves.

It’s not a pleasant experience for your DS, but it was a relatively cheap lesson in the scheme of things. He’ll stick with groups now and that should make it much less likely to happen again.

It could have been a lot worse. I had a house mate at Uni who was hospitalised in their first week - for doing nothing more than being drunk, on his own, and in the wrong place.

In terms of getting noticed amongst fellow students - this is a gift for him! People will be asking how he is, what happened etc

a real conversation starter

Thank you.
I have a constant knot in my stomach.
My oldest son works stupid hours in hospitality so has hardly any time off.
Plus 4 hours drive there and 4 hours back and paying for somewhere to stay wouldn’t be something he could afford unfortunately.

I would love to do more but as a single mum working full time I don’t have any spare to make this happen either.
Spent an absolutely fortune getting my youngest all his stuff for uni.

Thank you.
I’m hoping this too.
He worked so hard to get his place and would hate for this to ruin things.

Oh, I'm perfectly well-acquainted with the fallibility of my kids (and many of their friends), but drunken brawling doesn't seem to be a common feature of that.

My point was that if an 18 year old boy tells me he's been attacked while drunk, my default assumption, unless and until given reason to believe otherwise, is that he has been attacked, not to assume he had brought it on himself. Just as if an 18 year old girl told me she'd been assaulted, my default assumption unless and until given reason to believe otherwise, would be that she had been attacked.

I would not ask him at the outset what he had done to bring it on himself, just as I would not ask her at the outset what she had done to bring it on herself (I also have a DD).

Thank you.
That’s what his brother told him too, could’ve been so much worse.
You hear of all these stabbings etc. I am thankful that all he had was a few cuts and grazes on his face.
Just hoping that that was the first and last time.

I’m sure you’re really shaken up by this, and he may be, but I think he will learn a valuable lesson from this. I don’t think you need to say much to him, it sounds like his older brother already said what needed saying. Hopefully he will be much more cautious in future. I got attacked when I moved to Paris in my 20s, mostly because I was naive, and I quickly learned my lesson.

Sorry to hear about your friends. Hope they’re ok.
That’s awful for you, hope you have happy memories of uni though.

Thank you.
I was worried when he used to go out around here but am worse now!
Hopefully, like you said, he’s learnt a lesson from this and won’t put himself in that position again.
Sorry to hear about what happened to you in Paris.

Most students will have got drunk on their first night - and will many more nights so he's not to blame there. If his accommodation had been uni accommodation he wouldnt have been walking home alone. I dont know a single man who has never been harrassed or picked on after a night out. There are always drunk men who pick on others after a night out as some sort of ego boost or display. It happened to my son and his friends in our home town when they stepped in at a club to help some girls being harrassed - the lads (army cadets!) waited for them as they walked home and beat them up. Now my son knows if there is even a sniff of trouble he stays at the pub / club / public place and gets a cab home and doesnt risk it. Statistically its said that girls should walk boys home as boys are far more likely to be victims of violence from strangers than girls, he is not at fault he was just an easy target. Put a taxi app like Uber on his phone you can link the payment details to your account if you want so he's never worried about affording a taxi. Stick in a group. Be aware who is around - eg cross roads or stick to busy areas - same advice you would give a girl. I feel for him he was brave to venture out and meet new people and it sucks to be in the far away accommodation.

He should report it to the police and uni and ask to move to uni accom if a place comes up. He needs to try and meet other people in the accommodation he is in and travel in a group at night. Once he's made friends if he's out and drunk too much he should go back to their accommodation and stay there rather than do a 5 mile journey when drunk or get a cab. Once other students know what happened hopefully they will offer next time for him to go back with them.

He should get his face checked out in case something is broken. Take painkillers.

There is literally nothing he could have done differently other than get a cab.

He also needs to know about spiking which is another thing that happens alot - to girls and boys - drinks are spiked randomly and attackers then watch to see who (usually girls) dont have people looking out for them / are alone at the end of the night and then target them. My son has seen people who have obviously been spiked several times and had to take 2 to hospital. Students really need to have each other's backs unfortunately.

Hope your son is settling in ok. Mine is in Gloucester.

Thank you for your reply.
Because he hasn’t told me what’s really happened, I cannot advise him about the police.
I’m hoping that when his brother comes home from work I can ask him to advise him about the police etc and that he’ll listen to him.
I can however let him know about not drinking to excess, being alone and spiking and also about the possibility of locals not liking the university students.
I hadn’t heard about that before.

I went to Bristol uni and there was definitely a 'townie v student' vibe there. You soon worked out very quickly to avoid certain parts of the city centre and certain venues. Students generally spoke differently, dressed differently and stood out. Some students certainly did not help themselves by being loud, obnoxious snobby twats towards locals which is rarely going to solicit positive outcomes.

The first few weeks at uni was always carnage in terms of drinking and lots of 18 year olds stumbling about. Most of the injuries were from people falling down stairs pissed and the like.

It would be quite rare for students to best up another student as that could result in expulsion from the uni as well as trouble with the police.

sallycmru - yes i have amazing memories of uni thanks and my friends were all fine. i think we all chalked it down to a learning experience and got a bit more streetwise. Obviously going to uni isnt just about academic stuff. It is hard for parents though. my other son ended up hospitalised twice because he fell over a wall and down some steps (he didnt tell me this till several years later).

I’m hoping that he’ll learn very quickly.
He’s not loud by nature and definitely not snobby.
Crossing all my fingers that it was an unfortunate one off that’ll be quickly brushed off by him.
I on the other hand probably won’t stop worrying.

Veteran of several student children here, (and used to work for one) and I agree with commentators above. Unfortunately there are predatory people waiting for new and innocent students to arrive, scams, attacks and robbery are all common. They can spot new students a mile off sadly. Your son has had a horrible experience but he’s ok thankfully. I would suggest if he’s been traumatised and needs support then please ask him to contact student support - you will be able to find their number on their website and give him this information. Help him replace his phone. Give him the chat about staying safe. He’s learned from this and I am sure he will be ok now. We all worry, try not to worry too much, he needs to work out how to manage without mum on hand and he will.

Hi op, was thinking of this thread earlier and wondered how your son is doing at uni?