Son attacked on his first night at Uni

[SallCymru]

I’ve currently been awake since 4:30 this morning unable to sleep.
I took my son to his new university accommodation on Saturday, over 4 hours away.
He messaged me yesterday morning saying he’d broken his phone along with a picture of his bruised and bloody face. Told me he got drunk and fell over.
I have since found out from his older brother that he was attacked whilst alone and drunk and I’m in absolute bits.
I know he probably lied in order for me not to worry but now I’m absolutely petrified for him.
We live in a tiny rural village and he’s probably led quite a sheltered life compared to someone from a big city. I just want to help him and keep him safe.
I’ve bought my 3 kids up on my own for the past 11 years and have no support so I’m going out of my mind with worry.
How do I deal with this? Anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice would be great.
Thank you.

[keeprunning55]

My ds was attacked and lied about it too. Eventually he told me what happened. He suffered ptsd from the incident although i didn’t realise this at the time and was later told by his counsellor. Make sure your ds gets help. I would even go there or call someone to make sure he’s helped. My ds is ok now, and martial arts for his confidence. I do hope your ds recovers quickly.

[SallCymru]

@Ansjovis

If he's closed off emotionally then the key thing to do here is not to show him any emotional reaction. If you do that then he may turn on his brother for telling you and he may be even less likely to be honest with you in the future - double whammy. I'm not saying turn off your emotions because you can't, just don't let him see them. Keep your communication calm and if you're giving advice only give it once. He's an adult now and is able to make his own decisions so you need to acknowledge that by not continuing to say the same things over and over.

It sounds like I am similar to your son but for different reasons and this is what I wished my family had done. May sound controversial to someone who is not used to this way of thinking but I am and it needs a delicate approach.

Thank you, I appreciate your advice and will take it on board.
It will be hard but I do understand where you’re coming from.
He has closed off in the past and I think it was because I was on his case. Although it came from my worrying / caring place I’m trying to learn to deal with things differently now that he’s and adult.

[Smileyoriley]

Your DS will have learned the hard way that students are sadly a target for thugs. I was raised in a city but bought my children up in a village and they have had a few scrapes over the years as they were a bit naïve- luckily no lasting problems. Sending hugs to you both and hopefully he will have a great time at uni- it will get easier for you over time!

[Wouldloveanother]

Just because of this

pretends he’s tougher than he is

Do you think he maybe started something that he was unable to finish? As opposed to randomly being attacked etc which definitely happens but is quite rare. Sounds like a bar fight to me and he lost. Must be so worrying for you, have the chat with him but also he’s potentially learned a valuable lesson.

[SallCymru]

@keeprunning55

My ds was attacked and lied about it too. Eventually he told me what happened. He suffered ptsd from the incident although i didn’t realise this at the time and was later told by his counsellor. Make sure your ds gets help. I would even go there or call someone to make sure he’s helped. My ds is ok now, and martial arts for his confidence. I do hope your ds recovers quickly.

Thank you for your reply and sorry to hear that your son went through the same thing. Glad he’s ok now.
I’ll be suggesting that he gets help when I chat to him. I’m hoping he’ll listen to my suggestions but knowing him he won’t unfortunately.
Other than that I just need for him to understand that I’m here for him anytime but don’t want to be hassling him every day as I appreciate that he needs to learn to live independently.
Was going to be hard anyway but even worse now that this has happened.

[Queenofheart]

@NashvilleQueen

@Novum honestly?

@NashvilleQueen …Yeah I thought why say that too!

[Notthereagain]

@sorrynotathome

He lied so you wouldn’t worry but sent you a picture of his smashed up face?

I understand this. He wants comfort and support but he also doesn’t want his Mum to know the truth. Probably he feels humiliated and ashamed.

[SallCymru]

@Wouldloveanother

Just because of this

pretends he’s tougher than he is

Do you think he maybe started something that he was unable to finish? As opposed to randomly being attacked etc which definitely happens but is quite rare. Sounds like a bar fight to me and he lost. Must be so worrying for you, have the chat with him but also he’s potentially learned a valuable lesson.

I honestly don’t know at the moment. Could be a possibility as I haven’t spoken to him since finding out that he lied.
I agree. Sounds harsh but that would be a better scenario than the getting jumped on for no reason as hopefully that would mean a tough lesson learned for him and to be more careful from now on.

[SallCymru]

@Notthereagain

I understand this. He wants comfort and support but he also doesn’t want his Mum to know the truth. Probably he feels humiliated and ashamed.

This sounds like something he would do.

[Itsonthestairs]

Ooh OP I'm so sorry, you must be worried sick! I just dropped my DS off at uni yesterday, I couldn't sleep myself just with general worry hoping she didn't get to drunk in a city where she doesn't know anyone. She called me at just past midnight lastnight, which put me into a panic, luckily she was just merry and said oh sorry mum I pressed call by accident, I was actually very glad to hear from her. I hope your son reports this to the police and has some support from his fellow peers at uni, I also hope this doesn't ruin his experience going forward.

[Notthereagain]

On martial arts, Kriv Maga is good. My son is tiny and is learning it, he was so proud when he was able to use it to knock over a boy at school who charged at him!
It’s very directly self defense, so quite well targeted at these real life situations.

[Notthereagain]

Re. Did he start a fight. It’s entirely possible he was randomly attacked. Especially if he was visibly drunk and hence vulnerable. Or if he’s at uni in a place with a ‘town/ gown’ antagonism.

[SallCymru]

@Quveas

That might make you feel better, but are you sure it's the right thing to do? He didn't tell you for a reason, but he felt he was able to tell his brother. If he feels that he can't trust his brother with information he may simply stop telling him things too. I would suggest it might be better to stick to the version he told you unless he actually tells you himself, and perhaps get your other son to pass on the useful advice?

That’s what’s so confusing to me. I want to help him but know I can’t really do anything from here.
I want to try and give him advice especially some of the helpful answers I’ve had from here but I don’t want the trust between them both to be affected either.
So hard.
Might just have to pretend that I’m giving him general advice on what to do IF something happens regarding counselling, help from the uni etc?

[ladydoris]

@Quveas

That might make you feel better, but are you sure it's the right thing to do? He didn't tell you for a reason, but he felt he was able to tell his brother. If he feels that he can't trust his brother with information he may simply stop telling him things too. I would suggest it might be better to stick to the version he told you unless he actually tells you himself, and perhaps get your other son to pass on the useful advice?

This. In any case don't be harsh, it's already traumatic as it is. The lad is supposed to study. Probe fully.

[rwalker]

He’ll be upset and vulnerable finding out his brother broke his trust by tell u something he told him confidence won’t be helpful

don let him know u know you could try something like looking at that picture
Looks like someone’s given u a kicking
more blatantly say I don’t believe you

[SallCymru]

@Notthereagain

Re. Did he start a fight. It’s entirely possible he was randomly attacked. Especially if he was visibly drunk and hence vulnerable. Or if he’s at uni in a place with a ‘town/ gown’ antagonism.

I honestly don’t know. After reading the advice on here I need to let him tell me in his own time, if he will.
Never heard of the town / gown antagonism before. Shows how naïve I am!
My eldest daughter has been at university a few years and I’ve never had to worry too much about her.

[Summerfun54321]

Can you get him on a waiting list for campus accommodation? It might feel safer and less traumatic. Sometimes the non campus accommodation is in rough areas - that was the case for my own city uni anyway.

[Summerfun54321]

Also I would go and see him just for comfort. Take him out to lunch and don’t quiz him over the incident too much. If his face is black and blue he might not want to socialise with the other freshers anyway and hiding away in his room until his face looks better is going to be absolutely miserable for him.

[SallCymru]

@Itsonthestairs

Ooh OP I'm so sorry, you must be worried sick! I just dropped my DS off at uni yesterday, I couldn't sleep myself just with general worry hoping she didn't get to drunk in a city where she doesn't know anyone. She called me at just past midnight lastnight, which put me into a panic, luckily she was just merry and said oh sorry mum I pressed call by accident, I was actually very glad to hear from her. I hope your son reports this to the police and has some support from his fellow peers at uni, I also hope this doesn't ruin his experience going forward.

Thank you for your reply.
I have an eldest daughter at university too and haven’t had to worry as much about her but I do know that she would be on the phone to me straight away if anything happened to her.
My son is completely different.

[Decorhate]

@SallCymru Sorry to hear this happened to your son. I dropped mine off yesterday so appreciate how it’s hard when they are far away. A similar thing happened to my friend’s son when he was a first year.

If you don’t want to tell him that you know what really happened, you could talk around the situation- eg advise him to stay in a group & make sure everyone goes home together & to go easy on alcohol while they are in an unfamiliar place without their friends to look out for them. Covers what he said happened as well as what actually happened.

[Ansjovis]

@SallCymruI'm glad that you're taking my advice in the spirit it was meant. I am in my 30's now and there are still some things I don't tell my family because I know they will disapprove and will want to tell me so even though I've moved on in terms of life skills since I was at uni. I'm their child but I am not a child and they haven't grasped that yet. Not sure if they ever will. It's a delicate balancing act, sure, I just don't want to see anyone else go down this road.

[Anon778833]

Oh my goodness. You must be so upset. I’m so sorry this happened. I am taking my dd to her university accommodation today, this sort of thing is literally my worst nightmare.

He definitely needs to report this to the police.

[SallCymru]

@Decorhate

@SallCymru Sorry to hear this happened to your son. I dropped mine off yesterday so appreciate how it’s hard when they are far away. A similar thing happened to my friend’s son when he was a first year.

If you don’t want to tell him that you know what really happened, you could talk around the situation- eg advise him to stay in a group & make sure everyone goes home together & to go easy on alcohol while they are in an unfamiliar place without their friends to look out for them. Covers what he said happened as well as what actually happened.

Thank you.
Yes, I think this is the way I’m going to have to handle it.
I can give him advice without breaking his and his brother’s trust.
Hope your Son enjoys his time at Uni.

[Decorhate]

@SallCymru If you haven’t already see it there is a thread for parents of dc who are just off to uni (and elsewhere). It’s very friendly.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4633414-thread-40-corona-cohort-falling-into-autumn?reply=120105047

[Abraxan]

@Novum

How did he text you with a broken phone?

A smashed up phone can still be used to text etc.
I suspect by 'broken' that's what the OP means rather than totally destroyed.
May also have sent messages using other devices.