Son attacked on his first night at Uni

[SallCymru]

I’ve currently been awake since 4:30 this morning unable to sleep.
I took my son to his new university accommodation on Saturday, over 4 hours away.
He messaged me yesterday morning saying he’d broken his phone along with a picture of his bruised and bloody face. Told me he got drunk and fell over.
I have since found out from his older brother that he was attacked whilst alone and drunk and I’m in absolute bits.
I know he probably lied in order for me not to worry but now I’m absolutely petrified for him.
We live in a tiny rural village and he’s probably led quite a sheltered life compared to someone from a big city. I just want to help him and keep him safe.
I’ve bought my 3 kids up on my own for the past 11 years and have no support so I’m going out of my mind with worry.
How do I deal with this? Anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice would be great.
Thank you.

That is awful. I am so sorry. I would say contact the university pastoral team - or encourage your son to do so. They can support him as he settles in after the worst possible start. Is there a rough area or club or bar that he ended up in? Could you do some research from home to find out any areas he should avoid?
Hope he is ok and does manage to get past this and find support with friends and housemates.

God help you OP, you must be sick.

The above is excellent advice.

Give him brisk sympathy.
Such a pity.
Unfortunately scum look out for easy targets, "drunk and alone".

Tell him "shit happens, just learn from it and don't put yourself in that position again, that's all you can do".

This is what I say to mine. Don't be drunk on your own, it's putting target on your back.

OP, this could be a timely, cheap, hard lesson for him.

Mind yourself 👍

I am so sorry.

But I don't think that self-defence is necessarily the right way forward.

He needs to learn to 'read the signs' and keep away from anything that might boil over.

This means being streetwise, turning away from certain people, and keeping an eye out- not getting into martial arms combat. It's too late then and unless he's a black belt, he won't stand a chance against a gang.

You don't know what happened but it sounds as if he may have got into an argument or something as he was drunk.

Can he handle his drink?
How was he socially before he went to uni? Did he go out with mates and control his drinking?

Agree with others that this needs a report to the police and student welfare.

Maybe he needed the support of his Mom but didnt want to tell her the full extent of what happened to save her from the worry she is experiencing now.

Very sorry to hear this.

Is it an option for his big brother to take him out drinking so that he can learn his limits, how to pace himself and how to take precautions?

I'd suggest he goes to student accommodation and explain what's happened and ask to be put in the first accommodation that comes up on campus. If he's persistent and goes every day, he may be lucky as people do leave who find uni isn't for them and the people who keep on at them tend to get the first ones that come up. You might both feel better if he's on campus.

I completely understand why you feel so upset. I would feel the same. My friend's son got beaten up after a night out years ago. Luckily it was a one off and he was probably more careful about not getting so drunk and not being on his own on the way home etc. He's also a kick boxer so probably carries himself differently!

Drinking to excess so one becomes either likely to get into arguments / trouble or be vulnerable to attack is clearly not a sensible thing to do for anyone.
He’s probably drinking as too many new students do, and sadly there ARE locals who don’t like students.

My friend’s son was drunk in Fresher days and was stabbed in the thigh by someone
He only noticed when sober and hurting next morning.
He just thought he’d been punched! ( a cut was through his jeans and it was a small slit wound.

It’s a steep learning curve when we leave home for first time- A giddy sense of freedom !
I’m sure he’ll be absolutely fine, but I do understand your natural worries.
Staying much more aware will help him avoid such confrontations.

He got drunk on his first night at uni
And got beat up
Then lied about it. But did send you pictures? (On his broken phone?)
Bizarre

And you say he is a rugby lad so not quite an easy target?but his brother said he shouldnt never walk allone?

It all a bit confusing

I think It is time you step back op

He is off to uni now. You can't be mummy anymore
Your his mother now and he needs to learn to become a man.

Ans i don't mean "tough " when I say he needs to become a man

I mean he needs to become sensible and grow up

Unfortunately this happens a lot at universities in cities and town, but weirdly it isn't discussed much.

It happens at Oxford, Manchester, Portsmouth, London, any town with a uni. Young men fight , always have, always will.

When I was at university in a south western town, there was a real dislike of students from local 'lads' and they were targeted, the drunk one walking home alone, even in groups it can happen.

Most towns have a 'student ghetto' area and if you're stuck out in a more 'townie' area, its a big risk.

He can look into student accommodation again, you always have people drop out , or move to a more student friendly area.

Are you so lacking in empathy @Marvellousmadness ?

This is a parenting forum .Mums don't stop being mums when their kids get to 18 or go to uni.

Maybe if you read the whole thread? Her son contacted her on his laptop when he was home .

Maybe you don't have older children and simply have no idea how upsetting this can be.

Did he tell his brother not to tell you?

did his brother tell you not to let on you know?

*But I don't think that self-defence is necessarily the right way forward.

He needs to learn to 'read the signs' and keep away from anything that might boil over.*

I don’t do martial arts but know several people who do, and I think what you’ve said is exactly what is covered in most martial arts before getting onto the physical stuff. MA generally are not about being hard and able to win a fight; they start from a point of reading signs and body language and avoiding trouble - getting oneself away from a dangerous situation is always going to be the first line of defence, and I believe martial arts teach exactly this. (With the back up of physical skills to be used when one can’t escape a dangerous situation).

I’m hoping guessing you don’t have children?

OP I teach at a uni. As PPs have said, your son's uni will have wardens in the accomodation and there will be other support services available. I'd encourage him to reach out for help and report this to the police too.

Attacks on students are very rare. But anyone, whether young or old, student or not, needs to be take care when out at night, especially when alcohol is involved and in a new, unfamiliar city. From my own student days, I found my female friends always stuck together - we went out together, travelled home together. But my male friends were much more likely to just disappear at some point in the night. I remember asking one of them why he did it and he said 'id had enough, just thought I'd head home'. But he would be so drunk that I'd always worry when I realised he'd gone (wouldn't bother to say goodbye to the rest of us, and this was before everyone had mobiles).

My heart goes out to you.
We had 2 incidents with DS1 when he was in second year of uni.
He's a tall athletic, rugby player, has done Krav for years, but Krav doesn't work when confronted by a whole gang with knives, your best defence in this situation is to talk your way out.
He doesn't invite trouble, doesn't even drink, but he is often out late at night as he catches the train home from his nursing placements.
On one occasion a gang thought he was selling drugs on their patch, on the second a couple of his female housemates got followed home by a gang of lads who tried to force themselves into their home. DS heard the commotion, went to help his fellow nursing students and had a knife pulled on him.
He isn't someone who I would describe as lacking in confidence but we have seen an effect on him, he avoids public transport and drives himself everywhere now.
I feel sorry for your son and hope he does contact the police.

OP this is my worst nightmare.
Dropped DS1 at his city centre accommodation on Saturday.
I warned him not to get too drunk and familiarise himself with his surroundings.
I'm so sorry for your son,I hope he will recover OK,he is technically a man but will always be your baby.

Some nasty posters on here.....

@SallCymru If he can’t get Halls, maybe a private student accommodation in someone’s home?
It can work well.

A student had his life saved by a Landlady-
She heard him come in late, and he seemed “ Drunk”
She could hear him “ Raving” all night, and thought he had taken some drug, and was a bit annoyed ( Initially)

Next morning, he wasn’t “ Right” and she was worried enough to call an ambulance.
The young man had meningitis.
The actions of his landlady saved his life according to the hospital-
He spent weeks in ICU, but was ok.

I think Universities give a lot more info now about looking out for fellow Students.

I have worked in two Universities and the town and gown antagonism is very prevalent in some University towns. As soon as they open their mouths it’s obvious they aren’t local. The start of term is always carnage with accidents, violence and muggings.

He will learn from this experience hopefully. He has at least told his brother but if he knows the confidence is broke he may stop confiding in him.

@Goosygandy even if a space became available he will be liable till replaced for the rent on his current house. Plus attacks and fights happen on campus. Universities are adept at covering up a lot of this stuff.

I am so sorry to read this - my worst nightmare. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Poor boy on what should be one of the best times of his life.
Some people are fing scum.
I hope he can move on from this.

It happened to my friends ds too. He went on to have a fun filled 3 years at uni, without any further incidents.
He was probably just unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’ll be more cautious now.

Oh god, this is awful. I dropped my DS off yesterday at uni and he was out last night too. My heart dropped when I saw this thread as this is one of my fears too. Do you mind me asking where is at uni? Big hug x

Exactly. Is he up north op?

I wondered about him biting off more than he could chew. The rugby lad who can handle himself, the tough front all very well in a small rural village but if he's moved to a big city he will be out of his depth.

I live in a small town in Devon, I grew up in a tough innercity area and I would shake my head at some of the nonsense I heard when mine were at school here and now with GC at school here. The ones who think they are tough would not be tough where I grew up and add the being drunk and it makes them a prime target.

If he's been mouthy to the wrong people and got roughed up he will feel a fool so that might be why he doesn't want to talk about it but the positive of that is he will learn very quickly where he comes in the "tough guy" pecking order which I think is important.

If you think that might be possible you need to tread carefully and don't push him for info, his pride will be hurt and he will be feeling a fool and mum fussing (in his view) will just annoy him. It is also important for him to have his brother to confide in.

I've got 3 sons and it is hard stepping back but we have to do it.