Son attacked on his first night at Uni

[SallCymru]

I’ve currently been awake since 4:30 this morning unable to sleep.
I took my son to his new university accommodation on Saturday, over 4 hours away.
He messaged me yesterday morning saying he’d broken his phone along with a picture of his bruised and bloody face. Told me he got drunk and fell over.
I have since found out from his older brother that he was attacked whilst alone and drunk and I’m in absolute bits.
I know he probably lied in order for me not to worry but now I’m absolutely petrified for him.
We live in a tiny rural village and he’s probably led quite a sheltered life compared to someone from a big city. I just want to help him and keep him safe.
I’ve bought my 3 kids up on my own for the past 11 years and have no support so I’m going out of my mind with worry.
How do I deal with this? Anyone been through anything similar?
Any advice would be great.
Thank you.

[ElectedOnThursday]

Oh I am so sorry this has happened, you must be so worried. To be honest I would want to go to see him, pressure him to getting physically checked out and put him in touch with local help services.

No doubt many will disagree with me.

Oh I hope he’s ok, OP 😞

[SallCymru]

@Abraxan

A smashed up phone can still be used to text etc.
I suspect by 'broken' that's what the OP means rather than totally destroyed.
May also have sent messages using other devices.

Yes, he messaged me on his laptop through Facebook messenger.

[Databe]

It happened because of his drinking. He needs to take responsibility for that. Of course violence is never justified and is horrible. He has to learn that his actions have consequences, like all the other first years. Not trying to be mean, but some perspective and a reality check is needed.

[Raul57]

Sorry about that OP but the main solution is not to get drunk and easier sadi than done at that age/freedom etc. Then stick with a good mate as mates do look out for eachother as long as the other is not unreasoanble.

[FredrikaPeri]

@Databe

It happened because of his drinking. He needs to take responsibility for that. Of course violence is never justified and is horrible. He has to learn that his actions have consequences, like all the other first years. Not trying to be mean, but some perspective and a reality check is needed.

That's so unhelpful

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

@SallCymru

I’m hoping that this will be a harsh lesson learnt.
No he despises drugs thank goodness but unfortunately drank way too much especially when he doesn’t yet know anyone or the area.
He will have to find his way without me being there for him but at the moment I’m worried sick!

I'd rather my son took a few recreationals than got wasted on alcohol tbh. Alcohol is the worst drug for self harm and being vulnerable to harm from others and on of the easiest to overdo.

I'm very sorry this happened to him. As the mum of a teenage boy this is one of my biggest fears. I truly hope it gives him a wake up call about how much he should be drinking though.

[spirit20]

Really sorry to hear this OP. Ignore the nasty comments here asking if it was his own fault for starting a fight etc and assuming he brought it on himself. if he hasn't been the type to start a fight until now, it's unlikely he decided to become one during his first night out at uni.

If you don't want to admit to him directly that you know, get your other son to stress to him the importance of not walking home alone and of reporting it to the police and to the university.

[GreenManalishi]

Bless your heart you must be beside yourself, love you. He will be ok. We lived in a really rough part of a very big city at uni and were mostly ok, but had to be aware of gettting home. One boyfriend got mugged once, quite early on, and it was a lesson.

With respect, self defence classes aren't going to help in this situation. If he's a rugby lad he's presumably fairy handy aready and even Bruce Lee wouldn't be up to much after six pints of lager.

This is more about him being able to read situations, and getting a bit more streetwise. Give him the empathy he needs without letting him feel your fear, if you can. He will meet friends and settle in, managing this is more about not letting it frighten him so much it ruins his experience.

His Student Union will have a welfare officer, and he should go to them today and get some support, and a medical check up. They will keep an eye on him, and maybe arrange to head up and see him at weekend if you can?

He will be ok. Try not to fear.

[ancientgran]

I have sons and a daughter. One of the things that has always struck me is girls are always encouraged to stick together, not leave anyone on their own etc but boys don't seem to get the same message.

After GS got very drunk a couple of weeks ago and didn't even know how he got home I had a talk with him about it, not leaving someone drunk by themselves. He didn't seem to have heard of that idea. We have to realise that young men are even more at risk of violent attacks than young women (I haven't looked at recent stats but when I worked for the police it was definitely a fact) and make sure they understand that they are vulnerable particularly when drunk and alone.

[Shiboleth1]

4 hours away; there'a minimal cars on the road today because of the funeral; I would go to see him.

[Hawkins001]

All the best op, @SallCymru

[WalrusSubmarine]

A lot of victim blaming on this! This happens even in the nicest towns. We’re out in the sticks and a young couple were attacked leaving a quiet rural station by three youths on a Tuesday teatime recently.

Hope your son is ok op.

[ancientgran]

@spirit20

Really sorry to hear this OP. Ignore the nasty comments here asking if it was his own fault for starting a fight etc and assuming he brought it on himself. if he hasn't been the type to start a fight until now, it's unlikely he decided to become one during his first night out at uni.

If you don't want to admit to him directly that you know, get your other son to stress to him the importance of not walking home alone and of reporting it to the police and to the university.

It isn't being nasty to say he might have got into a situation he couldn't get out of. He was drunk, he was in a strange place that is probably very different to his small rural village, you only have to be a bit loud or a bit in the face of the wrong person and violence can happen. That isn't blaming him, it is being realistic about how these things can happen. An 18 year old who has grown up in a big city is going to be more streetwise. It is just one possibility but important for the OP to understand that as pushing him if that is what happened, he will just want to lick his wounds and forget about it.

[Goosygandy]

@TheLongGallery

I have worked in two Universities and the town and gown antagonism is very prevalent in some University towns. As soon as they open their mouths it’s obvious they aren’t local. The start of term is always carnage with accidents, violence and muggings.

He will learn from this experience hopefully. He has at least told his brother but if he knows the confidence is broke he may stop confiding in him.

@Goosygandy even if a space became available he will be liable till replaced for the rent on his current house. Plus attacks and fights happen on campus. Universities are adept at covering up a lot of this stuff.

That seems a bit unfair if he's swapping one student accommodation for another. It's different surely if he's in a private house. I've known people able to swap uni accommodation without having to keep paying for their original room.

[Maytodecember]

If it happened within the Uni grounds/ Uni accommodation it should be reported ASAP. He may well prevent others from being attacked/ robbed.
Student counselling support services are for practical support too —- change of locks if keys stolen, help with reporting to police etc… not always traditional counselling as we know it.
If it happened in a public area he should report to police, there may be CCTV.
Hope your son is ok.

[Afterfire]

Such horrible comments on this thread!

People are quick to forget this is a young lad who’s away from home for the first time. Have some compassion!

My dd is 19 and in her second year of university and had a lot of growing up to do in her first year. It’s all a learning curve.

I am so sorry this happened to your son op. 💐❤️

[lemmein]

@WalrusSubmarine

A lot of victim blaming on this! This happens even in the nicest towns. We’re out in the sticks and a young couple were attacked leaving a quiet rural station by three youths on a Tuesday teatime recently.

Hope your son is ok op.

I was just about to say this - some of the comments are quite shocking.

I hope he's ok OP - did he go out on his own, or was he left by his mates?

[Stuckforlong]

Sorry to hear about this . Even after being attacked it shows the love he has for his mother that he told you he'd fallen instead of being attacked.
It's so difficult as we think once they get to 18 we'd have to worry less, in fact I think we worry more especially post covid as they've missed so much leading to this year
Sending positive thoughts that this doesn't happen again to him.

[Wallaw]

I agree that there's a lot of victim blaming on this thread. If this was the poster's DD we'd all be talking - rightly - about a woman's right to walk home in safety regardless of whether or not they'd been drinking.

OP, is there any chance you can get your older son to convince him to tell you the truth? I really think the university needs to know about this so they can provide appropriate care, whether it's rehousing him or counselling (especially important if he's not much of one for expressing feelings or vulnerability) or talking to the students at large and/or local police about more vigilance.

I'm sorry this happened and hope he can move forward to a great university experience.

[Wouldloveanother]

@Wallaw

I agree that there's a lot of victim blaming on this thread. If this was the poster's DD we'd all be talking - rightly - about a woman's right to walk home in safety regardless of whether or not they'd been drinking.

OP, is there any chance you can get your older son to convince him to tell you the truth? I really think the university needs to know about this so they can provide appropriate care, whether it's rehousing him or counselling (especially important if he's not much of one for expressing feelings or vulnerability) or talking to the students at large and/or local police about more vigilance.

I'm sorry this happened and hope he can move forward to a great university experience.

But girls are less likely to become aggressive when drunk and start on other people in bars. Bar fights are much more common than men randomly being jumped - it isn’t sexist or victim blaming to point this out. In all my years of going out and living in a few cities, plenty of my male friends or acquaintances got into ‘mutual’ fights but I can’t think of a time any of them were randomly jumped.

[dreamingofsun]

my son also got drunk and had phone and room keys nicked on the first night at freshers event. Its horrid, but not as bad as being mugged. We also live in rural area and uni city was quite full on. This did toughen him up very quickly and from then on he was a lot more aware. Take the lead from him - its tough having to step back though when you are a parent.

[Choconut]

He was alone at night in a big city. There is absolutely no reason to think this only happened because he was drunk or that he must have some how started it. That is total victim blaming as it is not fact, just things people are making up that they think 'might' have happened. My brother has been beaten up twice in similar circumstances for absolutely no reason - he was just walking alone at night and so was an easy target. Once in a city he didn't know, once very near his house.

OP I agree that you need to not break his brothers confidence. At the moment he can confide in his brother, if you tell him you know then you take that away from him as the trust will be gone. Instead drum into him general advice on keeping safe at uni, staying with a group, knowing your limits etc. Also I would ask his brother to suggest he turns up at whoever organises student accommodation and push to be on campus. People may drop out and with a bashed in face he has a very good reason for wanting to be there.

[NCFT0922]

He’s not at one of the universities in Sheffield, is he @SallCymru ?

[Thestoppedfan]

My husband talks about uni being the time that he realised the dangers of drinking as a big guy. He’s a big softy but because he has a big stature other men often target him when they want a fight and he has been mugged when he first went to uni too.

[6demandingchildren]

My daughter was bullied and attacked by one of her house mates in her second year of uni, it was going on for a while before she confided in us and the extent of it.
It stopped that night!......
Unfortunately children push you away to prove they are adult enough.
But the worrying never stops, hope your son isn't too sore this morning and he should get himself checked out and have this attack documented.
Sending you unmumsnetty hugs