Page 5 | Son attacked on his first night at Uni

SallCymru · 2022-09-19T06:04:40+00:00

I’ve currently been awake since 4:30 this morning unable to sleep. I took my son to his new university accommodation on Saturday, over 4 hours away. He messaged me yesterday morning saying he’d broken his phone along with a picture of his bruised and bloody face. Told me he got drunk and fell over. I have since found out from his older brother that he was attacked whilst alone and drunk and I’m in absolute bits. I know he probably lied in order for me not to worry but now I’m absolutely petrified for him. We live in a tiny rural village and he’s probably led quite a sheltered life compared to someone from a big city. I just want to help him and keep him safe. I’ve bought my 3 kids up on my own for the past 11 years and have no support so I’m going out of my mind with worry. How do I deal with this? Anyone been through anything similar? Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Wallaw · 19/09/2022 10:24

Wouldloveanother · 19/09/2022 10:16

But girls are less likely to become aggressive when drunk and start on other people in bars. Bar fights are much more common than men randomly being jumped - it isn’t sexist or victim blaming to point this out. In all my years of going out and living in a few cities, plenty of my male friends or acquaintances got into ‘mutual’ fights but I can’t think of a time any of them were randomly jumped.

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But we have no reason to believe the OP's son was aggressive or started something, and more than we would have reason to believe a woman in a short skirt had 'asked for it'. Why not take what we're being told as the truth in the first instance, just as we would if someone's DD reported being assaulted on her way home?

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:27

Marvellousmadness · 19/09/2022 09:33

He got drunk on his first night at uni
And got beat up
Then lied about it. But did send you pictures? (On his broken phone?)
Bizarre

And you say he is a rugby lad so not quite an easy target?but his brother said he shouldnt never walk allone?

It all a bit confusing

I think It is time you step back op

He is off to uni now. You can't be mummy anymore
Your his mother now and he needs to learn to become a man.

I don’t get what’s so bizarre about it?
Yes he got drunk, hopefully will learn from that mistake now.
Took a picture off his laptop and sent it to me via Facebook messenger. I could even speak to him via that app.
He confided in his brother who advised him that from now on to make sure that if he does go out that he’s not on his own and vulnerable.
Yes he’s a rugby lad that can handle the tackles on the pitch but has never gone out and started trouble with anyone.
I think I answered everything?
I am trying to take a step back but he’s only left on Saturday and this happened on Saturday night!

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Decorhate · 19/09/2022 10:29

@Wouldloveanother Just because you are lucky enough not to know anyone who is the victim of a random attack, does not mean they don’t happen. I’ve known plenty of young men attacked in what would appear to be nice areas over the past 40 years.

dreamingofsun · 19/09/2022 10:29

i knew of at least 2 male friends when i was at uni who got randomly jumped. one ended up in hospital with a punctured lung. we also had a lot of trouble from local youths jumping on cars, throwing bottles. One night i woke up to hear a group discussing whether to throw a brick through my bedroom window.

Wouldloveanother · 19/09/2022 10:29

Decorhate · 19/09/2022 10:29

@Wouldloveanother Just because you are lucky enough not to know anyone who is the victim of a random attack, does not mean they don’t happen. I’ve known plenty of young men attacked in what would appear to be nice areas over the past 40 years.

Yes. But it’s less likely. Theres no reason why OPs son would be exempt from this.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:34

spirit20 · 19/09/2022 10:02

Really sorry to hear this OP. Ignore the nasty comments here asking if it was his own fault for starting a fight etc and assuming he brought it on himself. if he hasn't been the type to start a fight until now, it's unlikely he decided to become one during his first night out at uni.

If you don't want to admit to him directly that you know, get your other son to stress to him the importance of not walking home alone and of reporting it to the police and to the university.

Thank you for that.
He’s never started trouble before so I don’t think that he’s had a drastic personality change a few hours after leaving home.
He’s made the stupid mistake of getting drunk in an unfamiliar place without properly knowing anyone yet.
Like some have said he might have started something, I don’t know but I find it highly unlikely knowing him like I do.

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Theluggage15 · 19/09/2022 10:35

Ignore the weirdos on here especially @Marvellousmadness People don’t step away from their children when they turn 18, only if they’re really shit parents. Hope he’s ok.

Wallaw · 19/09/2022 10:35

@SallCymru

If I can give you one piece of advice, it's to not waste your energy replying to the doubters and victim blamers, but expend it on trying to help your son find the best way to navigate forward. In your shoes, I would try very hard to get your older son to convince your younger son to tell you the truth. Then you can openly figure out the best way forward.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:39

LandofZog · 19/09/2022 09:36

Unfortunately this happens a lot at universities in cities and town, but weirdly it isn't discussed much.

It happens at Oxford, Manchester, Portsmouth, London, any town with a uni. Young men fight , always have, always will.

When I was at university in a south western town, there was a real dislike of students from local 'lads' and they were targeted, the drunk one walking home alone, even in groups it can happen.

Most towns have a 'student ghetto' area and if you're stuck out in a more 'townie' area, its a big risk.

He can look into student accommodation again, you always have people drop out , or move to a more student friendly area.

He is at a South Western university.

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CanaryShoulderedThorn · 19/09/2022 10:41

Databe · 19/09/2022 09:57

It happened because of his drinking. He needs to take responsibility for that. Of course violence is never justified and is horrible. He has to learn that his actions have consequences, like all the other first years. Not trying to be mean, but some perspective and a reality check is needed.

This is a disgraceful thing to say.
Complete victim blaming.
Like saying a woman was raped because of her wearing a short skirt.
The only people to blame are the aggressors and the perpetrators of crime.

Benjispruce4 · 19/09/2022 10:42

So sorry to hear this . Just taken DD to uni and ther is enough to worry about without something awful like this happening. Poor lad. Hope he’s reporting it and gets some help from uni well-being team.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 19/09/2022 10:42

That must be so worrying! The uni will have a student security or safeguarding service, the uni where I work has posters all over campus, plus contact info is on the student app and website. Your DS can contact them for advice and help and (if necessary) they may go round to help him. Some universities have designated people living in the residences who will help (and they don't care whose fault it is!) They all act in confidence so they wont tell you anything (unless DS agrees) but you (or your older DS) can advise DS to go to them for help if he needs it.

I hope your DS is OK and recovering, and I hope you get some rest too!

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:43

Ansjovis · 19/09/2022 09:03

@SallCymruI'm glad that you're taking my advice in the spirit it was meant. I am in my 30's now and there are still some things I don't tell my family because I know they will disapprove and will want to tell me so even though I've moved on in terms of life skills since I was at uni. I'm their child but I am not a child and they haven't grasped that yet. Not sure if they ever will. It's a delicate balancing act, sure, I just don't want to see anyone else go down this road.

No I thank you for giving me a different perspective on things. It made me think because otherwise I would’ve been pestering him this morning and I don’t want to end up pushing him away so that he doesn’t feel he can come to me for help.

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TonTonMacoute · 19/09/2022 10:43

We had worse than that, so I know exactly that sick worried feeling. The feeling of powerlessness is almost claustrophobic. And the worry!

That was 4 years ago and now all is well and (almost) forgotten. It is a very hard way to learn the lesson that there are a lot of bad people out there and that you really have to look after yourself and not let yourself get into the position where you are so vulnerable. However, I sort of feel now that I'm glad my DS found this out sooner rather than later, when it could have been a lot worse.

Hope you, and DS both feel better soon.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:43

Decorhate · 19/09/2022 09:11

@SallCymru If you haven’t already see it there is a thread for parents of dc who are just off to uni (and elsewhere). It’s very friendly.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/4633414-thread-40-corona-cohort-falling-into-autumn?reply=120105047

Thank you for that.

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Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:48

Rebelmcstreettuff · 19/09/2022 09:44

OP this is my worst nightmare.
Dropped DS1 at his city centre accommodation on Saturday.
I warned him not to get too drunk and familiarise himself with his surroundings.
I'm so sorry for your son,I hope he will recover OK,he is technically a man but will always be your baby.

Some nasty posters on here.....

Thank you and I hope your son has settled in well.
Oh I don’t pay no mind to the nasty ones, just hope that they’re never in this position with one of theirs.

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Wouldloveanother · 19/09/2022 10:49

Nobody’s being nasty 🙄 I’m not suggesting your son went out to pick a fight, more than when everyone is drunk, it’s quite easy to piss people off or feel a bit big for your boots all of a sudden. Like I said this has happened to most young men I know, it doesn’t make them aggressive or bad people.

Stravaig · 19/09/2022 10:50

OP, could you give your practical advice to one of his siblings to pass on as if from them? It sounds like his sister is sensible, and he chose to confide in his brother, so some good options there. Support the sibling network rather than wade in too much directly.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 10:50

WalrusSubmarine · 19/09/2022 10:05

A lot of victim blaming on this! This happens even in the nicest towns. We’re out in the sticks and a young couple were attacked leaving a quiet rural station by three youths on a Tuesday teatime recently.

Hope your son is ok op.

Thank you so much.
I don’t get it either. He’s never been in trouble before and got (stupidly) drunk on his first night. Hopefully has learnt a very harsh lesson.
I just came on for advice on what to do next.
Thankfully most of you have been very helpful and kind.

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Wallaw · 19/09/2022 10:52

Wouldloveanother · 19/09/2022 10:49

Nobody’s being nasty 🙄 I’m not suggesting your son went out to pick a fight, more than when everyone is drunk, it’s quite easy to piss people off or feel a bit big for your boots all of a sudden. Like I said this has happened to most young men I know, it doesn’t make them aggressive or bad people.

I'm sorry, it might not be nasty, but you're coming at this from a bizarre angle. Your assumption is that the OP's son was involved in a drunken brawl. Why? I don't know a single young man who has gotten into a drunk fight, and, having a son of similar age, know quite a lot of them.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 11:01

Wallaw · 19/09/2022 10:35

@SallCymru

If I can give you one piece of advice, it's to not waste your energy replying to the doubters and victim blamers, but expend it on trying to help your son find the best way to navigate forward. In your shoes, I would try very hard to get your older son to convince your younger son to tell you the truth. Then you can openly figure out the best way forward.

Thank you for your reply and I’ll take it on board.
My older son is at work at the moment so I’ll have a chat with him when he’s home.

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Wouldloveanother · 19/09/2022 11:07

Wallaw · 19/09/2022 10:52

I'm sorry, it might not be nasty, but you're coming at this from a bizarre angle. Your assumption is that the OP's son was involved in a drunken brawl. Why? I don't know a single young man who has gotten into a drunk fight, and, having a son of similar age, know quite a lot of them.

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I haven’t assumed it. I’ve said it’s a possibility, and that generally ‘mutual’ drunken fights are
more common than men being jumped entirely randomly. If you don’t know a single bloke that’s got into a drunk fight then they’re lying to you. Why are people on here so touchy about the prospect of their kids just being fallible humans?

oakleaffy · 19/09/2022 11:08

SandcastleQueen · 19/09/2022 07:29

Your poor son, people really can be shit. But hopefully he's also met some good people in his new accomm who will help cheer him up.

My old martial arts instructor was a really sweet, unassuming country lad, similar happened to him in that he got jumped by 5 men one night walking back to uni. He dealt with it by learning martial arts and getting his black belt in very short order- still remained the same quiet, peaceful guy but could definitely look after himself if needed! It's not for everyone but perhaps learning some self defence skills would help your son, it's about situational awareness as much as anything.

Situational awareness is absolutely crucial.

Being a Black Belt absolutely would make one feel far more confident.

I got attacked {badly enough to need medical attention} by a random woman in a shop who clearly had mental problems.
She tried to attack my 'Rescuer' too {a young man who pulled her off}
While recovering, I watched ''Self protection'' videos on You Tube..and came to the conclusion that situational awareness is key to staying safe.

I could have avoided being attacked by leaving the shop the minute the attacker began to give off strange aggressive vibes.

''Active Self Protection'' is a channel on You Tube who shows lots of attacks and how the person could have potentially avoided it.

Always listen to your 'Gut feelings'.

Original poster

SallCymru · 19/09/2022 11:09

GreenManalishi · 19/09/2022 10:02

Bless your heart you must be beside yourself, love you. He will be ok. We lived in a really rough part of a very big city at uni and were mostly ok, but had to be aware of gettting home. One boyfriend got mugged once, quite early on, and it was a lesson.

With respect, self defence classes aren't going to help in this situation. If he's a rugby lad he's presumably fairy handy aready and even Bruce Lee wouldn't be up to much after six pints of lager.

This is more about him being able to read situations, and getting a bit more streetwise. Give him the empathy he needs without letting him feel your fear, if you can. He will meet friends and settle in, managing this is more about not letting it frighten him so much it ruins his experience.

His Student Union will have a welfare officer, and he should go to them today and get some support, and a medical check up. They will keep an eye on him, and maybe arrange to head up and see him at weekend if you can?

He will be ok. Try not to fear.

Thank you for your kind and helpful reply.
I really hope that this doesn’t ruin his experience as he was so excited to start at this particular university.
I think that going out to our small local city was him being streetwise but he’s now learning that it’s not. Unfortunately.
Hopefully once he starts his course he’ll make some friends and get to properly know the area!

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Dancingintherain19 · 19/09/2022 11:09

Sending you a virtual hug. You must feel awful.
I do think it’s a massive positive that he spoke to his brother. Any chance his brother would be able to see him this week and offer some support.