When should “kids” leave home

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Name changed, long time user …

Me and my DH have two children living at home, both 22, one is his one is mine.

One son is extrovert, very active, works full time, goes to the gym regularly, out with friends, has a girlfriend, cooks for himself, drives, very self sufficient.

Other son is introverted, works part time, no interest in full time, pretty much lives in his room gaming, up all night, sleeps all day, never goes out, doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is. I’ve tried teaching him to cook which he will have a go but then when left to his own devices, doesn’t bother. He’s a lovely boy, never any trouble.

We live in quite a big house, when the boys leave home we want to downsize, the extrovert son is already talking of getting his own place, my worry is the other one won’t leave for a long time, us then being stuck here as we can’t and don’t want to kick him out.

How would you deal with this?

We both work full time, keep the house and haven’t got time to help him when he just isn’t interested in helping himself.

For me its between 18-20. Once they hqve full time jobs they need to either move out alone into atudio or 1 bed flat, or do a houseshare with friends. I think early 20's are so important to learn to be independant, going out, sorting their own bills, washing everything that goes into running a house etc. Don't let them get used to having lots of disposable income, otherwise moving out seems harder.

So many of my friends didn't move out till they were late 20s and it is so obvious to see.

Is there any real reason one only has a part time job?

If not I would be charging them both the going rate for renting a room. I would not be cooking, cleaning, washing etc for them.

Surely he can't manage rent, frequent takeaways etc on a part time wage?

Mine are younger, 19 and 16. The 19 year old is at uni, both children know that there is an expectation that they will probably return here after uni. We live in a large city so jobs are plentiful and know that they use this opportunity to start saving for a house deposit. This house is also large, they have a bedroom each plus a "study" each too.

We have said we would probably be here for the next decade which would bring Ds2 to 25/26. It depends if he does a 3 or 4 year uni course. Both have the potential to earn well in their chosen fields, they are both savers now anyway.

In your situation I would speak with your Dh first but come to a timeline, ie in 2 or 3 years time we will be selling and downsizing so you both need to have your own accommodation sorted. Start them both looking now so they get a feel for costs especially the part time singleton. Make it very clear that this will be happening and you are not taking either of them with you. That is plenty of time to sort themselves out and may motivate the introvert one to do more for themselves in terms of full time job. Probably not on the cooking front. He will possibly only do that when he moves out.

18-20? Bloody hell.

OP I’d start charging them both rent, then he’ll have to get a proper full-time job. I think 22 is still quite young, especially these days when it’s so expensive to get your own place.

He’s part time because it suits him, he’s got an electrician qualification and his brother keeps asking him to join him as he works for himself, he just won’t.

He’s got lots of savings because he never goes anywhere to spend it.

In answer to others, they both pay £150 pcm and we’ve told them that will be going up in the next 6 months.

I don’t do their washing and they do their own rooms, but don’t help much around the house because I feel it’s unfair to ask the one that does full time to help, even though the part-time one is at home the majority of the time, it’s either one or both I guess

I think it’s a good idea to speak to DH first and come up with a plan for the introverted one to start doing more to help himself.

The parent of this one has regularly talks but it falls on deaf ears.

No reason not to ask either to help more with household chores. Plenty of people have full time jobs alongside running a house and raising kids! They both have to fit in their work & household responsibilities alongside their hobbies & social lives.

FWIW it sounds like you're a lovely & understanding mum, no wonder they've not been in a hurry to leave 🧡

They're your children, it's their home therefore they stay as long as they want to!!

What rubbish user.
They need to be independent

You’re right, they need to do more, I think I’ll put an action plan together!

And thank you, I like to think that. My DH says we’re too soft in a lot of ways, my excuse is I’ve lost 4 members of my family way too soon so I probably over compensate.

My son is 6 so a bit off from thinking about leaving home however he can stay as long as he wants too. I don't understand the hes 18 he needs to go. I want my son to know that he will always have a room with me and his dad.

I moved out at 22 as I was getting married. My brother is still at hime and he's 39 this year but he pays to his way.

I think it is doing them a massive disservice to not be expecting them to do their own chores. At these age they need to be expected to act as housemates in that regard. Even possibly having their own cupboards in the kitchen for food etc.

Thanks, I agree, there does have to be a limit!

They can be independent and still live at home. These threads amaze me, I've asked numerous times but never got an answer, when does your child, who's supposedly loved, become a tenant or a lodger who has to pay rent in his/her own home and is given a timescale to leave.

No wonder young people have such a time of it with mental health problems!!

Exactly! 👏

I think any age is fine to live at home tbh.
and I also don’t think being introverted is a problem if he’s happy with his life like that

The main issues would just be equal help and contributions at home, higher money contribution etc

In the SE or expensive areas it’s is very normal to at home until 25plus. I think the issue here is that he sounds like he doesn’t have any hopes or dreams and perhaps is even depressed. If he was working towards a future, even if it felt a little way off, I don’t think it would be an issue probably?

My 21 year old ds is joining the army in two weeks and I am honestly counting down the days.
There comes a time when they are ready and I am too! My daughter moved out about the same age and once they get a taste of freedom and independence I doubt moving back will ever be something they will want,though always welcome.

I agree with this, if it works for everyone then fine. Although I think by about 25-30 they should be thinking about the future. You won't be around forever. If you want to downsize then explain this to them now, and that you're going to downsize in a couple of years and won't be able to give them a room of their own then unfortunately.

The one who has "no interest in working full time " would be getting a severe talking to about "that's not how life works ".
My DS came back home after Uni whilst looking for a job. The agreement was he took any job he could get whilst looking for a more career focused job. Dissertation handed in Friday, job interview at a Supermarket on Monday - I may just have sent a few job adverts his way! He started Supermarket job within a week (part time) whilst looking for other ft employment (which took 6 months). It just happened that the job he got was local to home - wasn't necessarily the plan, he was looking in other places - but now the agreement is he saves up for a house deposit and gets out of here ASAP! We have plenty of space for him, he can cook (and cooks for us too when it's his turn) but no way would I be allowing him to have worked part time just because he felt like it - especially not if he had a qualification that meant he was much in demand!

The parent of this one has regularly talks but it falls on deaf ears.

I think we know which one is your DS, OP 😁😆

I agree @bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza my home is my kids’ home for as long as they need and I’m in no rush to chuck them out anytime soon (all late teens/one at uni). I think it’s quite sad for a 22 year old knowing their parents don’t want them at home anymore 😢. Make them do chores, pay rent etc, fine but to actively tell them to move out is very sad.

We never said we want them to move out, or voiced that to them and neither would we, we do however want the part time one to have some ambition for his future instead of sitting in his room, lounging in his dressing gown and basically plodding through life!

We’d be happier if we felt he was committed to his future and starting to live a life as opposed to us carrying him. He’s not depressed, just lazy.

Young adult kids should move out depending on what suits both sides.
But I too would be concerned that your younger quiet son could stay at home for ever.
You can't dictate what adults do in terms of interests. But it is reasonable to say by the time you are 25 years old, you have to pay your way at home. So you can live here, but you have to pay the actual cost of your food, pro rats share of bills, and a reasonable rent. And if you don't do your share of housework, the rent will include a cleaning charge.
Give an idea of what the cost will be but add on expected inflation.
Until that time charge rent, but a more subsidised level.
Your youngest needs to learn that he has to pay his own way.

I admit I would feel I had failed if my child could live independently but was still at home at 39 years old.

Agree with this.
One needs to work full time and curb his gaming addiction. He is going to very much struggle if you don't give him a nudge now. It's already quite late, so the sooner you take action the better. I always find it a bit odd when 20+ year olds are living with mummy and daddy! With exceptions to those fleeing domestic violence, quick stop gap for whatever reason etc... Nearly always men who are still living at home too...

I agree if you get used to a large disposable income it is harder to move out.
There used to be more incentive to move out when nearly all parents refused to let unmarried kids have a partner alone in their bedroom.