When should “kids” leave home

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Name changed, long time user …

Me and my DH have two children living at home, both 22, one is his one is mine.

One son is extrovert, very active, works full time, goes to the gym regularly, out with friends, has a girlfriend, cooks for himself, drives, very self sufficient.

Other son is introverted, works part time, no interest in full time, pretty much lives in his room gaming, up all night, sleeps all day, never goes out, doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is. I’ve tried teaching him to cook which he will have a go but then when left to his own devices, doesn’t bother. He’s a lovely boy, never any trouble.

We live in quite a big house, when the boys leave home we want to downsize, the extrovert son is already talking of getting his own place, my worry is the other one won’t leave for a long time, us then being stuck here as we can’t and don’t want to kick him out.

How would you deal with this?

We both work full time, keep the house and haven’t got time to help him when he just isn’t interested in helping himself.

I see my role as a parent to prepare my children to be independant and not to rely on me for everything. I will help out my children as best I can but I don't think it does them any good to be at home for too long. I also have step-children and if it was an emergency they would be ok to come back here to stay but not long-term as there isn't enough room.

They need to pay rent and do chores. They also need to know that moving out doesn't mean getting your own place straight away. It means moving in to a house share at a fraction of the cost and enjoying the freedom and friendships.

You don't get your own place from day 1!! You move into a house share and rent a room with friends or like minded strangers.

Both mine went to uni so became part time at home. Both work part time while at uni. After uni eldest dc came home for 3m then took a house share, she works full time. Youngest is still at uni. Youngest gets money towards food and has her loan but works part time too. We didn't charge eldest rent right after uni but would have if she had stayed at home. It hard to say but think id be happy with mine staying til mid twenties providing they pay rent , work and contribute. Id tell them your plans with plenty of notice so they can start to think about their future.

I wouldn’t expect my kids to live in a house share or to rent a room unless that’s what they wanted of course. It would have been my worst nightmare when I was younger.

.... doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is.

You can't force your 22yo to have friends, to have a girlfriend (some people are gay or asexual/aromantic, or just not interested in a relationship at the moment), to drive (global warming exists), or to eat what you eat. He has "a life", just not the kind of life you and your other child prefer for yourselves. If you want him to move out then make a plan together with him to get him ready to move out, but stop imposing your arbitrary values on him. And if you're making him feel like crap because his stepbrother is more conventional/normative, please understand the damage you might be doing and consider stopping that too.

In my opinion, living in his bedroom, gaming, not seeing friends, not going out, not seeing the light of day apart from the two days he works, isn’t him having a life. We’re not forcing him to do anything and we’re certainly not forcing arbitrary values on him, we’ve not said we’re forcing him out either, we’re happy for him to stay, I’m saying the way he’s existing isn’t healthy.

I can't get over the fact that some people are expect their children to move out between 18-21?! Unless it's for uni that's crazy!

FFS. Ignore this rubbish.

Op, it's time to get serious and clearly lay out your expectations to your/his son. He needs to work full-time, pay board, and he will be expected to move out by X date. Don't be those parents who allow their adult children to become nothing more than overgrown kids. He needs to pull his head out and grow up.

I agree, starting with him getting a full time job!

I reiterate, I don’t mind them being home if they’re pulling their weight/saving for their own place, he’s doing neither 🤷‍♀️

Two of my children are adults, and still live at home.
They don’t contribute enough, but I’m working on it! My three kids will always have a home with me for as long as they want.
Times are tough for young people, if I can help I will.

That’s fine if you don’t want to move and/or downsize, but the OP does. Perhaps their family home will become unaffordable to run when they’re on pensions, for example.

Parents aren’t obliged to provide a home for their adult children indefinitely. If they can and want to, fine, but many can’t.