When should “kids” leave home

[Amazonisaddictive]

Name changed, long time user …

Me and my DH have two children living at home, both 22, one is his one is mine.

One son is extrovert, very active, works full time, goes to the gym regularly, out with friends, has a girlfriend, cooks for himself, drives, very self sufficient.

Other son is introverted, works part time, no interest in full time, pretty much lives in his room gaming, up all night, sleeps all day, never goes out, doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is. I’ve tried teaching him to cook which he will have a go but then when left to his own devices, doesn’t bother. He’s a lovely boy, never any trouble.

We live in quite a big house, when the boys leave home we want to downsize, the extrovert son is already talking of getting his own place, my worry is the other one won’t leave for a long time, us then being stuck here as we can’t and don’t want to kick him out.

How would you deal with this?

We both work full time, keep the house and haven’t got time to help him when he just isn’t interested in helping himself.

I don't think there is an upper age limit if everyone is happy with the arrangement however, he's not contributing in a manner he'd have to if he was living in the 'outside world' so he's not being prepared for independent living. Essentially you're subsidising his lifestyle, allowing him to sit at home half of the time playing games.

I would suggest having a good talk and letting him know that by a certain age, he will be expected to contribute the same costs as if he were renting a room. That way he'll have to get a full time job or shake himself out of his apathy in some way. Nothing wrong with being introverted but he does need to be able to pay his own way at some point. After all, what happens when you're not around to help him in this way?

I don't think there's necessarily a one size fits all answer to this question, as everyone's circumstances are different.

Personally, I had no choice but to move out at 18 as my parents downsized when I went off to university! I didn't want to live in their box room..

My kids will always have a room in my house until such time as they are permanently settled with their own home/family elsewhere. However, once they are adults, they will have to do their fair share of the household chores, and pay their share of the bills.

I think it's fine to live at home at any age as long as long as the 'child' pulls their weight, contributes financially, there is sufficient room and everyone is in agreement and it is mutually beneficial. It's the norm in Asian families.

Equally, don't think anyone is advocating chucking children out the day after their 18th birthday.

But it benefits no one if there is a workshy adult mooching around the house, living off mum and dad, gaming all day and night or in a McJob earning only pocket money. That's no way to live. Usually young men sadly. The girls tend to have more about them or get pregnant young and then get housing.

I don't know the answer tbh.

This is good advice.

We’ve told them we plan to increase their rent now cost of living has gone up to £200 in the next few months. I think to say if they are still at home at a certain age then they should contribute to the cost of living for the house, because we wouldn’t be here paying the high costs if they weren’t, is only fair.

I like the idea of paying their share of bills if they want to stay because they can’t be bothered to get their life together as opposed to working their arse off but not yet being able to afford it.

Yes this. It’s the fact he’s work shy and mooches about doing nothing that I don’t agree with … happy for them to be here if they pull their weight and contribute.

I think few mothers would put up with a girl mooching off them. But boys get treated differently.
The girls I know who stayed at home till an older age all did loads of housework and cooking as well as working. But it is not normal for Asian girls to stay at home until 40 or older. Just until they marry and have kids.

I love the way you’re being so diplomatic, op. I think most people will assume they know which ds is which, but might not be the case. I have regular talks with one of my dc about motivation/direction/
employment (lack of all 3!) etc. (still a teen, so have time!🤞) which I didn’t need to have with the others.

Have you actually told them both that you are thinking of downsizing in a couple of years and whilst not essential - they should start to think / plan what they will be doing also ?

Well a lot of 'children' move out at 18 to go to Uni, so not sure why 18-20 is such a shock.

Like i said its so important for them to learn how expensive life is, how to run a house. Go out have fun with friends, make mistakes without your parents there to see etc.

My dd will always be welcome home if needed, but in all honesty myself and DH are not going to hold her hand through her 20's like that. I'd rather help her rent etc, than her stay living at home. She will be expected to get a part time job at 16 if she wants to have money to do things.

I think the one with the pt job needs to get a full time job , pronto and start living in the real world which unfortunately involves paying bills , helping with housework and paying a decent amount of rent.

I was 25, and my brothers were 22 and 24. We all had full time jobs and were expected to pay 1/4 of our wages in rent.
In that, our food was included and my mum
cooked for us (we all generally sat down for a family dinner together if we were home) and washing. We were, however, expected to help out with genera house hold chores
Such as washing up, laying table, normal
Housework etc.

I'll never make or ask my kids to leave home. They have a home with me for as long as they like/need. I will just ask of them the same - a financial contribution based on their income, help with housework and participation in family life.

I'm aware that this is quite an unusual view in mumsnet though - I still have a close
Relationship with my family, go on holiday with them (and did as a teenager!) and still love going and staying there once in a while and having my mum look after me!

My eldest Is 18, she moved out at 18.5 yrs old.
I feel she was v.much ready and she was v.excited for the freedom-she works ft and is still studying.
She knows she can always move back but also knows the only space I now have , is on the sofa to sleep!
I was 18 when moving out, I moved the other side of the country with my partner and baby so a bit different.
My siblings were around age 20.

Our son left home last year at 24 - 5 years of Uni followed by a year of saving for a deposit. DD is the same, now finished Uni, working full time and saving for a deposit. She’ll be here for another couple of years and will move out around 24/25.

I don’t think age is necessarily the deciding factor, but given one of your sons seems to be a bit getting very comfortable I’d suggest giving both of them notice of your plans to sell and two more years max to save for a deposit. Then stick to that!

Lots of our friends' adult children moved back after uni for a few years to save for a deposit when they started working. Rent is very expensive in London and the SE!
DS (22) is graduating this year and moving out at the end of the year (his choice).
DS (20) is still at uni and I fear will be more like the OPs 'reluctant' son but even now I make sure he is responsible for his own laundry, room cleaning etc and he does a lot of his own cooking.
DH was far too fussed over by his mother (only son!) and it was very obvious when we got married. The training has been long and hard!

It depends on circumstances, whether they go to Uni, how much they earn, whether they want to move in with friends or partners.

22 is still young, I’d want my kids to live with us and save as much as they can so they can buy their own place with our help. I certainly wouldn’t be pushing them to move out at that age, I’d want them to finish Uni, establish a career and live a bit before they’re tied down to a mortgage and bills.

They should do things around the house though. My kids both cook once a week, walk the dogs, sort the dishwasher etc.

I had to move out of home very young due to abuse, it was very difficult and affected me massively. Our kids are welcome to live with us for as long as they like.

Growing up there was always an expectation DS and I would move out in our early 20s but the family home was kept until we both settled.

We both "boomeranged" her because she moved for uni then went home for a while before getting a job in London and moving there. Me because I moved out with a boyfriend, split and returned short term.
DS then went back home for a period before moving abroad with her job.

I was 23 when I left for good DS 25 (I think) our parents sold the family home 4 years ago, they still maintain a sort of bedroom (space and hold her stuff that couldn't go abroad) for DS and I believe their address is still registered as her correspondence address for UK business. They've also made it clear that if anything happens with DH, I'm welcome to go back, but it will be on a timeline.

Thank you 😊 and good luck with yours

This was for @watcherintherye

They kind of know but we’ve not had a serious chat. We need to in order to get introvert to up his game.

This was me too. We’re not planning on asking them to leave but we need to not make it as cushty to live here whilst not contributing.

I do not think anyone moving out young is expecting to get their own place. They share with other young people. I think anyone going from the family house to their own place is missing out.

I'm thinking about how our increased understanding of adolescence has redesignated its end, ie reaching adulthood, as around 24.
One of mine boomeranged a bit, finally leaving for good, in his own flat around 25. When he was at home, he contributed both cash and work in the household.
The other left for uni around twenty, after two gap years and did not return, going the shared houses route, also with support from us.
They both increased in independence and responsibility post 18, on a sort of sliding scale. I don't think either would have been OK earlier without intensive support.

I’m not sure he is work shy tbh.

Thats something my youngest would do. His reasoning would be that he earns enough from his part time job to do all the things he wants so why should he do more? (See the fact the part time ds has plenty of savings..)

He is just in a very comfortable place there with no incentive to move out.

This! And what's more they are always welcome to come back.