When should “kids” leave home

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Name changed, long time user …

Me and my DH have two children living at home, both 22, one is his one is mine.

One son is extrovert, very active, works full time, goes to the gym regularly, out with friends, has a girlfriend, cooks for himself, drives, very self sufficient.

Other son is introverted, works part time, no interest in full time, pretty much lives in his room gaming, up all night, sleeps all day, never goes out, doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is. I’ve tried teaching him to cook which he will have a go but then when left to his own devices, doesn’t bother. He’s a lovely boy, never any trouble.

We live in quite a big house, when the boys leave home we want to downsize, the extrovert son is already talking of getting his own place, my worry is the other one won’t leave for a long time, us then being stuck here as we can’t and don’t want to kick him out.

How would you deal with this?

We both work full time, keep the house and haven’t got time to help him when he just isn’t interested in helping himself.

Out of interest where would he go when he's on leave either at the weekend or 2-4 weeks at a time?

They can stay as long as they want and come back as often as they want. They are the most important thing in my life! None of mine left before 27 and then was only because of relocation of work. I still have a 30 Yr old at home, they all have plenty of savings and will never have to struggle financially like I did!!

@dolphinsarentcommon but realistically you reach an age where it isn't your home. My parents home was their home, not mine. I have my own home. Maybe my mum felt differently, but it was not my home.
And I doubt my mum felt like my grandmothers retirement flat was also her home.

I agree you get to an age when you want to leave your parents home and make your own way in the world, and parents should support that idea.

However my home (their childhood home) is theirs for as long as they want it to be, and can be again if that's what they want or need

I left home at 17 and lived on a caravan park, I've brought up 6 kids and always said they had til they were 30 to find their own place. 5 of them were under 25 when they moved out, one was 29. It's nice to see them all and they stay occasionally but it's nice to have my house to myself!

Mid 20's unless sen, obviously it's fine at an older age short term eg following a break up or job loss but 3-6 months to get back on your feet.

Isn't it called "failure to launch" or something?

Quite honestly I would find this very difficult to cope with. Both mine went to uni and it was the making of them. Whilst I appreciate that not everyone goes to uni, at the very least he should now be behaving like an adult and not a teenager (I.e. contributing to the household, working full time, not staying up gaming all night).

I think it's time for a frank conversation about your downsizing and his life plans. Even if he can't afford to get his own place, he should be working full time and thinking about living in a house share when you come to downsize.

No wonder young people have such a time of it with mental health problems!!

Yes, you're right. Except out of all the young people I know who have mental health problems, it seems to be the ones who lack direction/are mollycoddled at home/game all night/have no life plans who have the most issues!

I think there is a fine line between being willing to provide a home for however long and not enabling the adult child to stagnate in moving on with their life, so I understand your predicament.

Certainly I know plenty of much older people still living with their parents and feel that we would let ours live with us until they are ready to move on. We have no plans to downsize as yet.

But watching a child not making the most of their life is difficult. Our eldest is 21, not academic and has no real direction career- wise - hoping to persuade her to go back to college / university and get some training as so far she has only had unskilled jobs and never worked full time. She has a long distance boyfriend whose family allow her to stay often, which masks the issue. OTOH she does have expensive tastes (gigs, holidays, latest phone etc) so does see that working has benefits. We have stopped supplementing her money but aren't yet charging rent as she doesn't have steady work. But we are no her case quite a bit - she's had mental health issues in the past so we don't feel we can be too harsh.

17 yo has already got a part time job related to a vocational qualification and is still in college, so things look more promising.

@dolphinsarentcommon lots of couples no longer have the house their kids grew up in. This idea of a childhood home is a very middle class one.
Lots of people downsize. Anyone on housing benefit can't afford to have la property that is now too big for them. But even if you own your own home, lots of people move or downsize at retirement. Some even move abroad.

Our son moved out when he was 28. He had started his own business at 24 and needed 3 years of accounts before he could get a mortgage. Him and his partner wanted to save a big enough deposit to buy a 'house' rather than a flat as a first home, which they did. He paid rent, helped around the house etc and we enjoyed having him here- would buy a take out occasionally etc.

It is called failure to launch and parents who let adult children stay at home potentially for ever and do not ask for full rent and bills and contributions to cooking and housework are not doing their children any favours.
Some adults are desperate to be independent. Others need a little push.

It totally depends on the individual circumstances but in theory as long as they need to but the conditions and rules have to change and adapt.
They need to contribute to the household but this stuff should have started well before adulthood. If they don't do anything at 14/16/18 they're not suddenly going to start are they?

Thinking about the young adults around me, most have stayed into their 20s to finish uni/apprenticeships etc

One left when they got married, the other stayed longer whilst working full time and saving really hard. Both were able to buy in their 20s which they could never have done whilst paying market rates for rent.
They also weren't waited on. They did housework, their own washing etc They chipped into cooking and shopping.

This worked really well and I know that both siblings would be welcomed home if they needed to return for any reason.

I think if you can offer a home as long as they need it, that's what you should do as a parent.

I didn't have a family home to stay in or go back to and was very much on my own from a young age. That severely limited my choices and opportunities in life. So although on the face of it, I was getting on with life, working etc I couldn't every achieve what I wanted to and what I could because there was no support or safety net for me.

I don’t think there needs to be a specific age to move out, but there should be a point where the subsidy ends and that point has past. When a young adult is actively and successfully in full-time education, as a parent, I believe in supporting that child to the best of your ability. After they graduate or if they choose to skip university, it’s time for a full-time job and real bills, even if they live at home. You aren’t doing your children any favors getting them used to a salary going towards luxuries when in the real world it gets decimated by essentials.

My DC are younger so I don't have direct experience of this but, what jumps out at me from your thread, is what is going to change in the next few years to trigger them moving out? They're not studying and coming to the end of a course; they're unlikely to move to a new area for a job; if the introvert doesn't have many friends, I presume he doesn't have a group of people who might be persuading him to move into a flatshare; there's no mention of a girlfriend/boyfriend who might want to be pushing the relationship forward by moving in together and therefore out of your house.

Given the state of things, when they could afford a house/flat without a 4hr commute to/from work and still be able to afford electricity and basic food. Not so easy these days. The problem often is that, even flat-sharing, if you want to be within an hours commute (one way) to work then, even on a good wage, after rent you won’t have one penny left over to save towards a deposit to buy.

Mine live at home, will pool resources, and move out when they can afford both the deposit and ongoing payments (as a group) somewhere basic within a one hour commute to the city, where most are/will be working. It’s not easy and they need a massive deposit in order to make monthly repayments affordable and have money left over for electric/gas/food/transport to work etc. Given current real estate prices I’d estimate the eldest will be 28/30 by the time this is able to occur.

My eldest moved out at 24 into a flat share, he comes back twice a year, he’s happy with his life and work etc so I’m happy but I would have him home with me in a second if that’s what he wanted

Are you in the uk? A four hour commute would take me a few hundred miles on the train.
Do what you want. But I have relatives who are young and bought in the south east doing fairly ordinary jobs. The difference was they did not move into posh little villages, but modern two bedroom estates that well off people look down on.
Loads of people live in house shares or rented rooms.
If you want your adult kids to buy straight into a nice house in a nice area and are happy to give them free rent for years so they can do this, then go ahead. But don't claim it is your only option. And don't compare it to those with kids without any plans.
I would also be careful they really are saving. I have known lots of parents do this only to find their kids save very little preferring to spend their money on going out buying cocktails, on expensive clothes and on gaming purchases. So they end up with a 30 year old man, it is always a son, who does not want to move out or pay their way, who has saved very little.

I agree with a PP who suggested giving your sons a heads-up that you’re hoping to downsize in x years. This gives them ample time to save and plan. It’s not as if you’re telling them you’re moving in six months, we’re talking years! Perhaps having a deadline will motivate the gaming son to find a full-time job and get organized.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for adult children to expect their parents to maintain a house that’s no longer suitable for their needs and obviously more expensive to run than a smaller home. We live in a terrace with a lot of stairs-it’s great with teenagers, but won’t work for us as we age. We also plan to downsize at some point and will give our children ample warning. They’ll be at least mid-late 20’s when this happens, possibly older. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

"This house is getting a bit much these days now I'm getting older - both the costs and upkeep.
Plus you're at an age where you're starting to outgrow video games and thinking about leading life on your terms as an independent young adult.
So this time next year I plan to sell up and move somewhere smaller.
Not sure exactly where yet..
But we're both at an exciting life stage with new adventures now ahead of us.
Exciting times for us all!"

If you want to gently but firmly cut the apron strings, then do!
Don't forget that not that long ago, if they weren't growing up, mothers marched their sons down to the navy recruitment offices as teenagers!

Seriously though.. gaming, working part time, doesn't cook, coasting through life on the path of least resistance.. give him a boot up the arse for his sake. For your sake. And if nothing else just think about what sort of partner he'll make for some poor woman in the future. Needs some tough love at this age otherwise you've created a man-child that'll bumble from his mother to a wife assuming that's how it works.

18 ideally, say 22 for good.

I’d take the fact that one son moving out is a helpful prod.

Tell him you’ll be downsizing next year so he needs to work FT. Help him w a deposit for a house share. Then just move. This is doing him no good.

DS is 20 and is moving out in a few weeks time into a house share with friends while he’s at Uni. We’ve had the discussion about future plans and he’s happy for me to turn his room into an office so I can work from home in comfort rather than squashed in the corner of my bedroom.

He currently spilts his time between me and his dad and will keep his room there for as long as he wants it.

He has been working since leaving college a couple of years ago and now has a very healthy deposit for his own place when he’s ready to buy. I honestly don’t think he will be back to live with either of us full time again.

bro101 I'm keeping his room for him for when he does come back. I'm happy for short spells of him being here but at the moment two weeks can't come quick enough as I just need a break and I expect he feels the same. I seem to be nagging alot ie clean the cooker hob properly after you've fried eggs and he forgetting his front door key...think army life will be good for him!

It's not acceptable imo for a young adult with no children to work part time if they're living under someone else's roof? Why does he work part time? Fair enough if he's studying alongside, but just working part time? That's not going to work for the rest of his life is it?

My parents turned my bedroom into an office during my first term at university. I could still sleep in there, but it was clear that this wouldn’t be a permanent arrangement. 😂

In actual fact, I boomeranged back and forth between university and jobs changes until 24. I don’t think I’ll do the same with my children, but it wasn’t a completely bad thing to make it clear that I was expected to be an independent adult and not just assume I could move back.