When should “kids” leave home

[Amazonisaddictive]

Name changed, long time user …

Me and my DH have two children living at home, both 22, one is his one is mine.

One son is extrovert, very active, works full time, goes to the gym regularly, out with friends, has a girlfriend, cooks for himself, drives, very self sufficient.

Other son is introverted, works part time, no interest in full time, pretty much lives in his room gaming, up all night, sleeps all day, never goes out, doesn’t see friends, no interest in a gf, no interest in learning to drive, lives off takeaways when we don’t cook, when we do cook food it’s often wasted as he prefers takeaway. We’ve talked to him about getting a life, in a nice way, he’s happy as he is. I’ve tried teaching him to cook which he will have a go but then when left to his own devices, doesn’t bother. He’s a lovely boy, never any trouble.

We live in quite a big house, when the boys leave home we want to downsize, the extrovert son is already talking of getting his own place, my worry is the other one won’t leave for a long time, us then being stuck here as we can’t and don’t want to kick him out.

How would you deal with this?

We both work full time, keep the house and haven’t got time to help him when he just isn’t interested in helping himself.

Op I work with mostly girls in their 20s and they seem to range in both independence and desire to move out but none can afford to if they ever want to buy. I think the world is honestly divided into ‘want them out’ people and ‘hope they never leave’ people!! (My parents were distraught when each of us moved out, although they did go off travelling a fair bit, which seemed to cushion the blow;))

Do they hope the never leave parents really not want their kids ever to get married or have children?

Do they hope the never leave parents really not want their kids ever to get married or have children?
my parents were fine after we left but throughout our lives they always said there was no hurry to move out and they’d miss us if we left etc. but actually my dad was very quiet when I told him I was getting married- I get it now my kids are getting older and the fact I have boys makes it worse- according to mn it’s great that women have a lovely relationship with mothers but with men they’re called man children and the mothers are meddling mils!!!!

If you have a life plan in mind to downsize, tell them that is what is happening and they have to make their own plans around that accordingly.

I would insist on them paying the going rate for rental rather than subsidising. If you then want to save some of the money they contribute, to potentially help them out further down the line then fair enough.

They also need to pull their weight. That means both cooking and making sure the magic fridge is full. And I don't mean putting money in for food. Its actively going and doing the shopping occasionally.

I hope my kids do a lot more than get married and have children which is why I’m happy for them to live at home, save money, travel and have some fun before having a mortgage, marriage and kids. Maybe they won’t choose the marriage and kids route at all, I wouldn’t blame them.

In this case I’d be completely happy for them to stay and just pay board!

@WhereTheLightMeetsTheSea Well yes, but they don’t need to live at home to do more with their lives. Living in different cities, working abroad, for example, can be exciting.

Ours all left by their early 20's or straight after Uni. They all couldn't wait to be independent even though we all get on. We were able to downsize and retire early. Fine if they are working full time and seriously saving for a deposit, that I would support and help out with but working part time at that age is just taking the piss. I don't understand why parents want adult dc living with them forever, it stunts everyone's independence.

This is my point, nothing will change because he’s not willing to change.

He’s nobody pushing him to get a life so to speak, doesn’t listen to us. His real life friends all have cars and girlfriends, he’s not interested, only in gaming. The extrovert has been to college and is now working FT.

I agree with this, we both love having our sons with us, knowing extrovert will be fine but struggling to think where introvert will end up with the way he is at the moment.

I would definitely be doing this.
Your dc will do what they want to do with their lives, at any time they may move hundreds or thousands of miles away, for a job or a girlfriend.
Time to start planning the rest of your lives.
Don't be like my friend's Mum who always feeds and accommodates her 50 something "boys"

It’s not about wanting them out, we know extrovert will move out at some point and be ok, not too bothered when that will be so much, the worry is that introvert never will.

I think this is a good idea. I’d be happy to save some of the money they contribute, when it goes up as they get older, to help them.

To save up for it in the first place, it’s easier living at home. In between travelling to save again. After travelling to save for a deposit so they can buy rather than renting.

My friend son lived at home whilst travelling for 3-6 months at a time, working as well. Volunteered abroad. He then lived at home properly whilst starting his career at 25 and moved out a few years later with £70k deposit. It wouldn’t have been possible if he’d moved out of home at 22.

Agree with @WhereTheLightMeetsTheSea , mine have been to Uni etc, home again, saved up, off again etc. They know they always have a home rent free with us, though the older two have plans and come home to save up for said plans!
my youngest has ADD (no H!) and whilst he has good friends, he can come across as lazy and unmotivated to others. He is off to Uni in September, with a lot of gentle and subtle guidance and support.
I also know he may stay at home longer after Uni,- that’s fine with me, and IMHO the undertaking that I made when I had him.

@Amazonisaddictive

*This is my point, nothing will change because he’s not willing to change.

He’s nobody pushing him to get a life so to speak, doesn’t listen to us. His real life friends all have cars and girlfriends, he’s not interested, only in gaming. The extrovert has been to college and is now working FT.*

Don't underestimate him.
Nothing will change because you are not willing to change the set up.

Trust me, if you reduce his ability to carry on with his loafing lifestyle, you might actually be surprised what he is capable when he actually had to make an effort.

But right now he doesn't have to, so he doesn't.

I think it’s completely different when adult children have plans and boomerang home to save for them. My parents had no problem with me coming home between jobs/moves. But the OP’s son doesn’t have plans and they want to downsize so it doesn’t apply.

I’m sure it depends where you live as well. I’d have been bored rigid in my home town, all of my friends left as well!

These dear children are our flesh and blood. They will always be that. They are going to share whatever we have for as long as we all wish it.

My DH is military. It takes a while to get used to him being home then again in move he's gone x

My eldest, dd1, moved out at 18 when she started uni locally. She still wanted to move out. She's 22 now, one year to go at uni and lives very happily with her boyfriend about 10 mins drive away. We are paying her part of the rent just now so she doesn't have to work (her course is studio based 9-5) but this will stop when she graduates and gets a job. She's quite happy to work as anything until she can get a job in her design field.

Ds is 20, has been working full time pretty much since he left school (at the start of the first lockdown in 2020) as a home carer. He's moving out in September into halls when he starts his Nursing degree (also local). He'll still have a room here for holidays, of course.

Dd2 is 18 and living at home while she does and HND which should immediately lead to work. Her and her boyfriend are planning on staying home and saving up to get their own place. She's also got a hip problem and is waiting on a replacement so staying home is easier in terms of stairs and things for now.

I hope I've raised them all to be self sufficient and to want to leave and set up on their own. I think I'd feel like I'd failed if they didn't. Not talking about them never coming home if they had to, but encouraging them to live their own lives, knowing we will still always be there for them if they need us.

I don’t expect mine home after uni. I don’t know a single person who has moved back home after uni. We have however, bought a two bed flat close to the local uni for them to live rent free when they are old enough to go and they can stay there as long as they like (will be charged rent after they finish their degrees.) or if they decided not to go to uni they can still live there and pay a small amount of rent (that we will save for them towards a house deposit but not tell them) and tell them they need to save.

I think it very much depends on the availability and cost of rented accommodation in your area. An unfurnished one-bedroom flat round here costs £800 - £1,000 a month. Bit beyond the salary of the average school-leaver / early 20's person. And how are they every going to be able to save up for a deposit when they're forking out that every month?

Hate threads like this.
It's hard for single people, especially living in London and the South East to go it alone. I know a few in their thirties at home. All have jobs, help round the house and respectful to parents. Lots of judgemental views here. My kids will always have a home with me no matter their age.

For me, when he’s earning twice as much as I do! Why should he be earning £30k a year and not paying any rent while I struggle on £16k, paying council tax for two adults, unable to claim for the benefits available to single parents on a low income because my household income is too high, even though I don’t get to see any of it because he’s saving it all to buy his own house? Not everyone has the luxury of having their DCs take up a room in the house without contributing.

It's kind of a cycle though isn't it? Parents who can afford it and have room are subsidising young people much longer than they themselves were. As time goes on prices of accommodation keep going up-It's a capitalist dream.