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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

I feel heartbroken

109 replies

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:12

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 07/06/2022 19:13

I’d tell him to get the bloody bus.

UrsulaPandress · 07/06/2022 19:13

Wow.

I’d be letting him find his own way home.

JellyMonger · 07/06/2022 19:15

Can he resit the year?

Sparklebrandy · 07/06/2022 19:16

It sounds to me like no one will feel worse about this then your son. Does he need the weight of your disappointment on his shoulders as well as everything else? It's hard I know, they come across like they don't care but I'm sure deep down he does. You sound like a fab mum, just be there for him and bring him home x

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:16

I've told friends about the graduation, showed them the outfit etc.. and now I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
LooksGood · 07/06/2022 19:17

He was an idiot but it sounds like one off idiocy. They'll probably have a second graduation - Autumn, Easter, Christmas, next year.
He's harmed his own life, not yours, and not for long.

He probably doesn't think you love him any less for it, and you probably don't love him any less for it. So drive him home if you would have anyway.

MsTSwift · 07/06/2022 19:17

It doesn’t sound like the son feels that bad where did you read that? “Hardly a care in the world” according to the op and she should know..

LooksGood · 07/06/2022 19:18

Honestly, I'm sure there'll be a graduation. Just later. Tell him to sort that out and get the info for you. Apart from that he's punished himself here.

Stichintime · 07/06/2022 19:19

My DD is at a uni so far its in a different country. We've never done the trips back and forth, as we don't drive and she manages just fine. I'm sure he can work it out.

It does sound like it's the graduation you're most annoyed about though, assuming he can re take the exam at some point.

PinotGrigioCat · 07/06/2022 19:19

Unless his overall grades are low he won't fail his whole degree based on missing one exam. I'd advise he speaks to his Senior Tutor asap before Exam Boards start end of this week! Does he have any extenuating circumstances? Is he being supported by wellbeing services at Uni, or Dr etc? All is not lost OP but I can understand why you're upset.

Hippolyte · 07/06/2022 19:19

He's messed things up, he knows it. Let him know that you're unimpressed by all means but then go and get him, that's what parents do!

Greensleeves · 07/06/2022 19:20

My experience of older teenagers/young adult children is that they need you most at exactly the times when you feel like telling them to get knotted. This might be one of those times. I'd go and pick up my son with no judgement and let him know that we're right behind him whatever happens. Everyone makes fuck-ups when they're young - I certainly did. He can pull it out of the fire, but he'll need support and you can provide it.

FriendlyPineapple · 07/06/2022 19:21

I had a friend who did this and never told his parents, just had a series of shitty jobs he couldn't really explain to his parents.

It is shit, but I suppose at least he told you the truth.

Hemelbelle · 07/06/2022 19:22

Is there more to it than what he is telling you? Whilst it is very disappointing for you, you may need to be supportive.

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 19:23

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:12

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

Sounds like he's had his hand held to a ridiculous degree thus far.
Not managing to get your arse out of bed in time to sit your finals is hardcore Confused
Let him make his own way home.

Doyoumind · 07/06/2022 19:23

He's been an idiot. How could he sleep through a whole exam?

But a graduation ceremony isn't that big a deal and I'm guessing he'll be able to do a resit and won't have thrown away everything and that's what's important in the long term.

Can he hire a car and drive back himself?

PinotGrigioCat · 07/06/2022 19:23

Also @Helloo123 if he's doing a joint masters he could apply (again this week) to leave with BA, so you would be able to attend the graduation ceremony.

Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 19:24

I think you're being ridiculous about the graduation TBH. It's supposed be a ceremony to celebrate his achievement, not a fancy day out for you.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:25

He's said he will be able to graduate next year but let's be honest, it does feel like a kick in the teeth to get your degree in the post instead of having the big day. He's going to be graduating with strangers who aren't even from his class, I would have been understanding if it had been a reason like being ill or something, but not having charge on your phone!!! I'm just a ball of emotions right now. He's applied for a few jobs, had a few interviews and been unsuccessful, part of me thinks maybe he's just thought *k it! What's the point, cos he got another unfortunately email yesterday.

OP posts:
Londonderry34 · 07/06/2022 19:27

This doesn't make sense at all. Something else is going on. So he does all the work for a final exam and misses an alarm. No........You need an honest conversation. Sorry.

Greensleeves · 07/06/2022 19:28

My sister slept through an important exam once. On the face of it, it was irresponsible, stupid behaviour. In fact, she was seriously struggling, not eating or sleeping properly, and she needed help and support (which she didn't get).

Give him the benefit of the doubt, listen to him, and ignore the MN "he's an adult, treat him like a hostile stranger" brigade - they're weird.

jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 19:28

You seem more concerned about the graduation than anything else Sad

I would supper my child as ever in this situation and I would t punch them by expecting them to get home with all their stuff using public transport. I would be concerned about their commitment and potentially worried there was something going on because sleeping in for an exam would be hugely out of character.

Odile13 · 07/06/2022 19:28

I can’t help but think that everyone makes mistakes. Someone I work with recently slept in and missed a meeting - she was mortified! Your son will probably be able to take a resit and graduate at another time. I think you need to talk about it with him and try to be compassionate about it, because it’s not the end of the world.

jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 19:29

*support

oldestmumaintheworld · 07/06/2022 19:29

If one of mine had done this I would have killed them. It's irresponsible and immature. They'd be walking home and then would have to be properly grovelling. I'd be furious and I don't blame you at all.