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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I feel heartbroken

109 replies

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:12

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

OP posts:
Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 19:50

User3568975431146 · 07/06/2022 19:47

Wow! I'm glad you're so perfect, I feel sorry for your children

Show quote history

This poster will be on MN in 20 years wondering why their beloved kids have gone NC with them.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:51

HelenHywater · 07/06/2022 19:47

Why are you picking him up? Surely he can get the train? I don't know anyone who's driven their kids every time. Mine are coming back by train.

Because he had to move to different properties each year and we had to bring his stuff home and take it all back down for each new premises he moved into.

OP posts:
jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 19:51

He is autistic so he's asking for special measures.

Quite the drip Hmm

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:51

Greensleeves · 07/06/2022 19:50

I think people are being unfair fixating on OP's mention of the outfits, the graduation etc. I have an autistic child at university, and when he graduates it's going to be a HUGE collective sigh of relief after a long, gruelling road through education, fighting all the way. This news is bound to be a shock, and people do fixate on practical details when they're in shock.

I hope he'll be able to shed a bit more light on how this has happened when you see him, OP. If it was my son (and of course it isn't, and may be completely irrelevant!) I would suspect emotional and physical overload - he has a tendency to nope out of things when he can't cope, and it looks like carelessness if you don't know him.

Well said.

PinotGrigioCat · 07/06/2022 19:52

As he is Autistic he can def apply for extenuating circumstances. Are the Uni aware of his autism? Does he have a disability support plan or similar? As I said previously he has options! Speak to Senior Tutor asap for academic advice, I would also ask him to contact wellbeing services. You can split a 'joint' honours, but this needs to be applied for asap! Trust me I was in a meeting about it today and have been preparing for Exam Boards. (RG Uni staff)

abc5432 · 07/06/2022 19:57

You seem ridiculously focused on the Graduation Ceremony.It is getting his degree which matters going forward. Please get a grip and support him, in case there is more to this than meets the eye. He is still your son.

abc5432 · 07/06/2022 19:57

Hadn't seen the drip feed when I posted lol.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:58

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:50

If he's autistic then executive function will have played a part in this no doubt. For those accusing OP of caring more about the outfits and hotel etc, this is symbolic. The disappointment is clearly deeper than that.

Thankyou! I've worked so hard throughout his life to keep him in mainstream with support, going to statement meetings. ILP meetings all to help him have the best chance in life. We respected his decision to leave home and go so far away to uni but still have always been supportive, because that's what parents of kids with SEN do. I didn't want this to be about his SN because he always wants to avoid the label but I am worried about him for more than me. My head is all over the place to be honest. Mainly worried for his future.

OP posts:
pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:58

jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 19:51

He is autistic so he's asking for special measures.

Quite the drip Hmm

Shameful comment.

NerrSnerr · 07/06/2022 19:59

I think there's more to it then just not charging phone. Did something happen? Are you sure he has passed all other modules and he's just telling you this so you're not more disappointed in him?

Had you been talking a lot with him about the graduation? Showing friends outfits etc sounds like you were very excited about it which makes me wonder if he's worried to tell you the whole truth?

RJnomore1 · 07/06/2022 20:07

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:43

RJnomore1 - WTF? She's not! Like any caring parent, a lot has been invested in giving her son the best start to his life and career! We can't future proof our kids lives completely but she has every right to be upset.

Did you totally miss the part where she said she’s told all her friends about the graduation and feels like a fool? Or the first post all about the cost of hotels and the unworn outfits? It was a while before there was any mention of the impact on the son…

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 20:10

PinotGrigioCat · 07/06/2022 19:52

As he is Autistic he can def apply for extenuating circumstances. Are the Uni aware of his autism? Does he have a disability support plan or similar? As I said previously he has options! Speak to Senior Tutor asap for academic advice, I would also ask him to contact wellbeing services. You can split a 'joint' honours, but this needs to be applied for asap! Trust me I was in a meeting about it today and have been preparing for Exam Boards. (RG Uni staff)

He has accessed wellbeing and he's had some advice from his tutor, I think all we can do now is hope he can do a resit in August some time. Regarding the joint degree, he was supposed to break it up by doing a year in industry but he wasn't able to secure an internship, so already he was at a disadvantage. Covid lockdowns, and the changes did knock him for 6 which played a part in not getting the placement. Thanks for your advice, much appreciated.

OP posts:
jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 20:12

@pantherrose

Shameful comment.

Why is my comment shameful? The son being autistic and applying for special measures is a drip feed. Posters, including myself, have read and commented based on there being no additional support needs. To get a balanced response, the information needs to be there.

JellyMonger · 07/06/2022 20:13

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:58

Shameful comment.

Show quote history

I think PP meant quite the drip feed

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 20:13

@Helloo123 I hear you. My son is high functioning Aspergers, as am I. It's an uphill struggle to balance the 'high functioning ' side with the vulnerabilities and avoid the labels and preconceptions. You sound like an incredible, supportive mum and you have every reason to be disappointed. I hope that the board will be understanding and that the efforts and commitment of your son and his family will be rewarded! Flowers

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 20:15

JellyMonger · 07/06/2022 20:13

I think PP meant quite the drip feed

Show quote history

That was surely obvious? It was to most of us.

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 20:15

jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 20:12

@pantherrose

Shameful comment.

Why is my comment shameful? The son being autistic and applying for special measures is a drip feed. Posters, including myself, have read and commented based on there being no additional support needs. To get a balanced response, the information needs to be there.

My apologies, I thought you were referring to OP's son!

playtest12 · 07/06/2022 20:15

I did resits the following summer, and got my degree then.

Why does the graduation matter? I hated having to go to graduation, the ceremony meant nothing to me. It's just a performance. I was just happy to have my degree. I only went to graduation in the end because my parents were so furious I wasn't going.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 20:16

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 20:13

@Helloo123 I hear you. My son is high functioning Aspergers, as am I. It's an uphill struggle to balance the 'high functioning ' side with the vulnerabilities and avoid the labels and preconceptions. You sound like an incredible, supportive mum and you have every reason to be disappointed. I hope that the board will be understanding and that the efforts and commitment of your son and his family will be rewarded! Flowers

Thankyou so much. 💓

OP posts:
LongLiveThyKing · 07/06/2022 20:17

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SarahAndQuack · 07/06/2022 20:17

I agree with other posters this sounds as if there might be more going on. I was a university teacher for several years and I am a bit surprised an autistic student wouldn't have support about things like struggling with life admin (unless he did?).

But, if it genuinely is the case he's just slept through this one exam, I'd be telling him he was an absolute muppet - and, more seriously, that he's very lucky this hasn't had bigger consequences than a delayed graduation - but I wouldn't see it as anything more.

I wonder, as well, if he is more upset than he lets on, and the carefree attitude is a bit of a front?

jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 20:18

Oh goodness no!!! Of course I wasn't calling the son a drip Blush

I'm so sorry, I definitely didn't mean that, I should have added 'feed' - it didn't cross my mind tbh

CorpseReviver · 07/06/2022 20:18

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:51

Because he had to move to different properties each year and we had to bring his stuff home and take it all back down for each new premises he moved into.

Show quote history

What disability does he have that prevents him from taking the train? Perhaps he could use it in mitigation.

Bibbetybobbity · 07/06/2022 20:18

Well said @Greensleeves and @pantherrose . OP I completely understand why you would be so upset, I’d be exactly the same. Hang in there, and everything crossed there’s a good solution for your DS, and you can both put this behind you.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 20:19

This is only my second thread on this forum, can someone please explain to me why people are saying my son is a drip? Or its a drip feed? What is meant by this please?

OP posts: