I feel heartbroken

[Helloo123]

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

He sounds spoilt and immature. Not waking up for an exam at his age????
I’d be furious. I’d also be telling him to get a bus/train home. Myself and all my friends that went to uni did

He cannot drive. I explained we had to collect his belongings, chair/books, bookcase etc..., none of which could be brought home on a train.

has it happened because he didn’t want to go to the graduation ceremony? I didn’t go to mine nor did my siblings

It was bad communication form me, I was saying it was a drip feed. Not your son is a drip. I'm so very sorry.

I have explained above why the drip feed was annoying.

I wouldn’t worry about the ‘not graduating with friends’ part. When I graduated I only saw a couple of people that I knew a bit, my closest friends were all graduating on different days. It was more of a family celebration than friends so could definitely be done at a later date.

I think there’s also a chance that he could still pass, albeit with a very low mark, with missing one exam. Surely he has taken other exams, submitted a dissertation and other assessments?

What is a drip feed?

It’s because you’ve not mentioned he has autism until fairly far in- ie you’ve dripped it in. When actually that’s a HUGE part of what’s going on.

Oh give over. What a load of crap.

Why did you mollycoddle him for four years ? He should have made his own travel arrangements and he may not be so irresponsible and selfish now !

@Helloo123 where you 'drip feed' the information rather than explaining it all in your original post. I think there are two issues here, one being your feelings about graduation and two being what your son could do to sort the situation out. There is plenty that could be done, as explained by a few posters, but he will need to access support as soon as possible. How is he feeling? What does he want?

Aw people make mistakes I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose... he can resit in August and get his qualification the graduation is the party.. I'm a mature student and I have friends that will not have their graduations until next year.. but let's put it into perspective regardless they'll qualify and get a job and bring in an income.. yes it sucks we don't have graduation at the same time but it isn't the end of the world. There are people who had to wait two year's because of covid it really is more common than you think.

OK, thanks for explaining. Yeah it's all part of the bigger picture.

That sounds like exam anxiety or some other issue. You have mentioned his autism. Could that combined with the stress be causing him to opt out?

I missed an exam in my third year, the time and venue was changed and managed to miss the notice. It was stressful but I sorted it, ultimately it was fine, and my life turned out ok. Young adults can be irresponsible, there are consequences and that's how they learn.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and comment on our situation. It's been helpful for me to sound off and get others views. Going to pour a glass of cold white and try to be logical about it all. Hopefully he still will pass and all being well he will get to do the resit. I didn't let him know about how annoyed I was btw cos that's not going to help him, he already feels shit about the situation. I just had to vent.

I would certainly see if he can graduate without a masters (i.e just get the degree). Its what my uni did for people who failed/dropped out of the 4th year of their combined degree/masters

He did a group project for the masters with a presentation and they've been told it was one of the best the university has ever seen so he wouldn't want to drop it. The exam he missed will effect overall result however.

You sound shallow to me. You're looking at life the wrong way. He's obviously got faults, but he's still young and can iron these out.

The things you concern yourself with are unimportant. I though we'd all changed these last decades - this is the sort of message is have expected to read in the 80s, when people were more materialistic and devoted to showing off. He's your son - and he's here and that's all that matters.

There's a saying about counting you chickens before they've hatched, I think you have done this in this case.
As an adult this is his problem and his to fix.
Of course you'll be disappointed but probably no more than him.

I got my degree in the post because of covid. My rescheduled graduation ceremony is in just under a month. As long as he gets the degree I assume he worked hard for up until this point, and he attends a graduation ceremony in the future if he wants, perhaps call this a one-off mistake? If he has no intention of ever resitting the final exam, I'd question why he bothered getting this far without wanting to complete the degree?

Helloo123, 🥂 Cheers, I have a chilled Muscadet and will raise a glass to you and your son. All the best x

I'm shocked at all the comments like this. It's a while since I was a student, but I was always the only one in my flat who wasn't collected by car. I'm now a lecturer and I'm fairly sure the vast majority of my students get collected at the end of the year.

I'd like to see these posters travel across the country by train on their own, probably with multiple train changes, with all of their kitchenware, textbooks, computer, at least one of microwave/kettle/toaster, maybe a kitchen bin or some furniture...

I have only part read the thread but one exam means he can't graduate? Slightly confused here?

There are deadlines for exam boards to basically say yes they agree with a mark. A resit in August is way past the deadline for this.. graduation is usually around July so you can't graduate (celebrate the degree) until it's completed.. he will have a degree if passes in August exam but can't have the celebration until next year

Maybe he failed his exams and does not want to tell you, do you think that may be the case. Talk to him about it maybe he can resit the exams next year