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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

I feel heartbroken

109 replies

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:12

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

OP posts:
jubileetrain · 07/06/2022 19:29

Goodness I would not punish

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 19:30

Odile13 · 07/06/2022 19:28

I can’t help but think that everyone makes mistakes. Someone I work with recently slept in and missed a meeting - she was mortified! Your son will probably be able to take a resit and graduate at another time. I think you need to talk about it with him and try to be compassionate about it, because it’s not the end of the world.

It's really not on the same level as oversleeping and being late for work.

Penguinsaregreat · 07/06/2022 19:30

Oh dear.
Try and give your disappointment , but he really needs to get a job and join the real world.

cushioncovers · 07/06/2022 19:30

Really can't believe he didn't bother charging his phone up and then slept through the entire exam. What a pratt. I'm not surprised you are disappointed op. I'd be so upset with him.

SarahMused · 07/06/2022 19:35

If what he is telling you is true, why can’t he graduate with a bachelor degree this year? Surely he would have earned that last year and the final year would have been spent doing the masters. Then he could sit the exam he missed and hopefully get enough points to get the masters later. Resits are usually capped though so would depend on his other marks.
I agree with other posters that suspect there is more to this that he isn’t telling you. A serious f2f conversation is needed to find out the full situation.

FindingMeno · 07/06/2022 19:35

I'd go and get him.
After working hard for years he surely didn't deliberately fuck up.
We love our children for who they are, don't we? Not conditional on never making a mistake!

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:36

OP, unless there's an underlying problem that he's not been honest about, I'd be bloody furious with him and desperately disappointed too. I feel for you.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:37

Of course we'll go and pick him up and be supportive, as we always have done, but to say I'm upset is an understatement. He's now trying to see if he can do a resit but even then they are capped so it will effect his result, it's not just about the graduation at all!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 07/06/2022 19:38

Why are you more worried about losing face in front of your friends than why after four years of work your son missed his FINAL EXAM for a nonsense reason and is trying to brush it off?

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:39

SarahMused · 07/06/2022 19:35

If what he is telling you is true, why can’t he graduate with a bachelor degree this year? Surely he would have earned that last year and the final year would have been spent doing the masters. Then he could sit the exam he missed and hopefully get enough points to get the masters later. Resits are usually capped though so would depend on his other marks.
I agree with other posters that suspect there is more to this that he isn’t telling you. A serious f2f conversation is needed to find out the full situation.

It's a joint bachelors/masters. I don't think you can split them up.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 19:39

Well of course it'll affect his result! It was never going to be as simple as "oh, never mind, just sit the exam again, no harm done".

User3568975431146 · 07/06/2022 19:41

Surely he can just sit the exam next time round and graduate then?

You don't know if the alarm story is true, it may be that he had cold feet or something else was going on that he just didn't feel able to give it his best.

He doesn't owe you anything, that's what parents are for and as for worrying about how you look to others and how you feel a fool, please get a grip and support your son, it's not all I out you.

LovelyDaaling · 07/06/2022 19:41

The graduation ceremony is not the big deal here, I'd be more concerned about when he can take the final exam.
Looking at practicalities, he needs help bringing all his belongings home, it'll be too much to carry onto a train or bus. The landlord will keep his deposit if the room isn't cleared.

yeahy · 07/06/2022 19:42

I don't think it's very nice of you to be foremost concerned about your outfit in this situation? Yes your son messed up, he needs your empathy now and open arms and some constructive thinking about what his options are now. Not you worrying about your outfit

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:43

RJnomore1 - WTF? She's not! Like any caring parent, a lot has been invested in giving her son the best start to his life and career! We can't future proof our kids lives completely but she has every right to be upset.

Harridan1981 · 07/06/2022 19:43

Tbh, your main concern here sounds like the supposed prestige of graduation and a fancy ceremony.

ReallyIrish · 07/06/2022 19:44

So you've driven 6 hour drives approx 7/8 times and you think this is a big deal to do for your son? Were you only happy to collect him once he was doing well and passing all exams? Because that's what it seems like now!
He has messed up but surely it'll be him paying the price by not graduating when he should?
Did you really buy outfits that you'll never wear again, can't you have a mini break and stay in the hotel and get dressed up for dinner?
I don't blame you for been angry but newsflash, adult kids can also let their parents down, you don't need to react by been spiteful.
Will he not be able to retake the exam at the end of summer?

Neoandtrinity · 07/06/2022 19:44

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:37

Of course we'll go and pick him up and be supportive, as we always have done, but to say I'm upset is an understatement. He's now trying to see if he can do a resit but even then they are capped so it will effect his result, it's not just about the graduation at all!

Yes, but before you mentioned anything about his grades you were moaning about canceling the hotel room you've booked, your fancy new outfit and having to tell your friends that its not happening now. Its taken you until your fourth or fifth post to actually express any concerns about anything other than how it impacts on you, not your son.

Original poster
Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:44

PinotGrigioCat · 07/06/2022 19:19

Unless his overall grades are low he won't fail his whole degree based on missing one exam. I'd advise he speaks to his Senior Tutor asap before Exam Boards start end of this week! Does he have any extenuating circumstances? Is he being supported by wellbeing services at Uni, or Dr etc? All is not lost OP but I can understand why you're upset.

He is autistic so he's asking for special measures.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 19:46

Helloo123 · 07/06/2022 19:44

He is autistic so he's asking for special measures.

Show quote history

After he failed to show up?

User3568975431146 · 07/06/2022 19:47

oldestmumaintheworld · 07/06/2022 19:29

If one of mine had done this I would have killed them. It's irresponsible and immature. They'd be walking home and then would have to be properly grovelling. I'd be furious and I don't blame you at all.

Wow! I'm glad you're so perfect, I feel sorry for your children

HelenHywater · 07/06/2022 19:47

Why are you picking him up? Surely he can get the train? I don't know anyone who's driven their kids every time. Mine are coming back by train.

Iflyaway · 07/06/2022 19:49

How could he sleep through a whole exam?

I think there's a lot more to this than he is telling you.

Someone upthread used the word "mollycoddling". (I think, that's how it comes across to me, ferrying him like he's still at school).

In my day - late 60's now - we were just told to get on with it. Sink or swim basically. "The world doesn't owe you a living" kind of thing.

Yes. I know life has changed. But you (collectively) are really not doing your kids a favour by catching their fall or fuck-ups every time.

Enough threads on here about a man-child in relationships. Adult men who won't pull their weight in the home re. domestics. I think they missed the memo that women go out to work and are equal, so they should be too, at home.

pantherrose · 07/06/2022 19:50

If he's autistic then executive function will have played a part in this no doubt. For those accusing OP of caring more about the outfits and hotel etc, this is symbolic. The disappointment is clearly deeper than that.

Greensleeves · 07/06/2022 19:50

I think people are being unfair fixating on OP's mention of the outfits, the graduation etc. I have an autistic child at university, and when he graduates it's going to be a HUGE collective sigh of relief after a long, gruelling road through education, fighting all the way. This news is bound to be a shock, and people do fixate on practical details when they're in shock.

I hope he'll be able to shed a bit more light on how this has happened when you see him, OP. If it was my son (and of course it isn't, and may be completely irrelevant!) I would suspect emotional and physical overload - he has a tendency to nope out of things when he can't cope, and it looks like carelessness if you don't know him.