I feel heartbroken

[Helloo123]

So for the last 4 years we have travelled the length of the country taking our son to uni while he completed a joint bachelor masters degree. He chose a university that was the furthest away from home because it was the best course for his area of study. 6 hour drives plus each summer bringing his stuff home. Then the same taking him back, and after all of that he tells us he never went to his final exam because his phone didn't have enough battery so his alarm never went off. So he won't graduate, the outfits we bought are hanging in the wardrobe not going to get worn, the £200 we spent for the hotel is non refundable and now he expects us to just pick him up and bring him home without hardly a care in the world! Am I wrong to be upset about this? He's contacted someone to see if he can sit the exam as a resit but sadly he still won't graduate. I just feel like he has been so irresponsible why the he'll should we embark on a 6 hour drive to bring him home!

Sounds like he's had his hand held to a ridiculous degree thus far.

Taking your son to Uni and then picking him up to bring him home each holidays? Isn’t that normal?

People are being ridiculously harsh on the poor lad here. OP is mainly annoyed about not wearing her outfit, not how inwardly devastated her son must be.

Is life always all about you, OP?

I think there are a few things at play here, but there are a few main things I think you need to do: 1) let this settle before you react, 2) see that this is his degree and not yours, and 3) appreciate that this will not define his life.

Beyond that, see what he’s done so far for the achievement it is. Despite the challenges he undoubtedly faces, he chose to go to a university 6 hours away and has got this far with it. You may need to give some additional assistance to help him navigate this difficulty, but you know what you’re doing on that front. And more than that, he’s already trying to sort it out himself.

I know that the ceremony will be important, and I know why. But it’s not that it won’t happen (necessarily) - if he can resit, and/or if he can sit the exam without the masters element and he passes, then he will have the ceremony next year.

Focus on what is important in the short term and what he has actually achieved so far. Have your glass of wine, breathe, sleep on it, and then regroup tomorrow.

Update*

I've spoke to my son, we are both a lot calmer now. He's applied to do the resit, he feels he could maybe still get a 2:1 if he gets the resit. It's a very competitive field and he has been unsuccessful with the job applications so far, I just hope he manages to secure employment and it doesn't hold him back. In the grand scheme of things I realise now the ceremony etc.. is not the important thing here. Thanks everyone who offered constructive advice and support.

Our son pulled this shit op. But worse! He told us there was to be no graduation on the morning of the event as we sat in the hotel in our finery. He had passed, but not got his desired grade, so had not checked out the degree so to speak and had booked retakes for August. He had not told his friends either and they had organised a big after party for him. It was unbelievably rubbish. I was so physically shocked. We all went to the bloody after party too, where I drank copious amounts and still have the photos of him posing in other people's gowns. The absolute git. He did graduate at Christmas with an improved grade, and five years on has a good job and this has all just become a funny story. Please be calm. There is nothing here that can't be fixed.

God, that sounds awful.
I didn't realise you could resit until you achieved the desired grade, though? I assumed resits were only authorised for failing grades. Don't know why...

I would have been livid! I'm thankful now he's not left it until the day, that must have been awful for you.

Unfortunately I know from experience this isn't true.

I failed one exam in my degree. It was the very final one. I absolutely disagreed with why I was marked as a fail, but that's beside the point!!

There was no provision made for a resit to be offered in time. I had to resit it and graduate with a bunch of strangers months later.

It really sucked at the time. But honestly, it was a really great life lesson in the long run. It's worth learning how to deal with disappointment and how to cope when things don't go as expected.

wtf?

missing his graduation having spent £200 would be the very very last thing I’d be bothering about. This is a tiny drop in ocean

your adult son fucked up, big time
your adult son just drops in to conversation

Totally agree. We love our kids unconditionally.

I would also be heartbroken, but for my son, not for myself.