21 year old son won’t work/can’t work

[Effmyeffinglife]

I’m desperate and looking for some advice/perspective.
My son is 21, he left school at 16 with limited qualifications and went to college. He never completed the course and since then he’s worked for a total of less than 6 months in 5 years…..

A bit of background - he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7, medicated through school which helped but he doesn’t take medication now. He’s bright and clever but never applied himself. He still lives at home but he has a girlfriend and is expecting a baby in May

Here is my problem….as I’ve said already, he doesn’t work. He claims universal credit and gets some disability element because he claims to have anxiety and depression which affects his ability to work. He’s awake all night and asleep all day which wouldn’t be a major problem if he didn’t keep us awake most of the night. My partner and I both work full time and are finding it increasingly difficult not getting enough sleep

He makes zero effort to be quiet, up and down to the kitchen for snacks, talking on the phone, playing his games and general noise you wouldn’t blink an eye at during the day but it’s very different at night. We’ve asked him countless times to be quiet and he doesn’t see the problem

I have asked him to pay board (not a lot, just enough to show him he has to pay his way in life) and he’s refused for the last 3 months. He’s actually said “why would I pay board for somewhere I don’t want to live”……

In the past he’s been violent when challenged about his behaviour. There are holes in his bedroom door to prove it. It’s left my partner and I reluctant to challenge him as we both recognise it could go too far and there’d be no coming back from it. Neither of us want that…..

Consequently my son believes he can carry on as he is.
He claims he can’t work due to anxiety but he has no problem with other social situations. If I do challenge him he will play on his mental health and threaten to harm himself or worse. It feels like emotional blackmail……

This is just a snapshot of what is going on, I could literally go on all day but I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore. It’s causing so many issues between my partner and I, I’m stuck in the middle feeling like who I should put first…….

We’ve tried everything; supporting, encouraging, motivating, talking to him, shouting at him! Even the impending baby hasn’t made him step up and realise he has to change…….

What would other parents do in this situation?

Is dad involved at all ?
How does the GF feel he will cope being a father ?

At 21 I would expect him to move in with his girlfriend and start his own family and life.

Tell him that if he doesn’t want to live with you he needs to find somewhere else to live.
If he isn’t going to contribute to the house then he can’t use it. As well as respecting you.
Shock to the system

Sounds harsh but reading your post it’s needed.

He’s 21. He says he doesn’t want to live there. He is expecting a baby in 4 months.

Say goodbye, we look forward to visiting you in your own home with a lovely new grandchild for us to fuss over.

He IS blackmailing you emotionally, and you’re facilitating this. Before you know it, his gf will have moved in with the baby and you’ll be delegated to the spare bedroom because they’ll need a bigger bedroom with the baby. You’ll be doing night feeds, buying all the baby’s things, spending all your time babysitting.
Give him a deadline to move out. I’d say 2 months.

Time for him to move out for all sorts of reasons.

Be blunt. He doesn't want to live at home, move out.
He doesn't contribute financially, no Internet, ...
Not well enough to work, go and see the GP for help. Just on the side: depression or being overwhelmed does present in various forms. Again, see GP for help.

... and stop enabling him!

Evict him and stop falling for the emotional blackmail?

He needs to move in with the girlfriend and be prepared to look after his child!

You need to evict him so that he can be housed elsewhere.

@nomorefrogs

You need to evict him so that he can be housed elsewhere.

Why should the taxpayer subside his accommodation if he can work but won't?

So sorry you are going through this. It's a nightmare.

The only way forward is to put your foot down and show him the door.

My friend handled it by taking her son to the local housing office, pointing at the door and saying "you need to go in there and tell them you're homeless, because from today, that's exactly what you are."

Thank you everyone for your comments. You’ve all said what I have been thinking for a while. I guess I needed to hear it ya know?

I’m terrified of the threat of him hurting himself and that’s what’s been stopping me. I know I’m enabling, I know I’m being blackmailed, I know I’m being bullied into accepting his way of life but my heart breaks with what could happen if i ask him to leave

I know a few families like yours,I think it's a cop out sometimes playing the mental health card, pure laziness most of the time.
he's blackmailing you, kick him out.

I don’t think the GF is aware of what she’s got herself into here…. Jesus.

Yes dads involved. He’s supportive but he’s detached from it as we’re not together. My son doesn’t give him the same disrespect he gives me and it’s unfair as no one has done more for him than me

Wow. I'd encourage him on his way to adult life and show him the door.
He could still be doing the same in 20 years otherwise.

He'd be straight out of my house.

He's taking you for a total mug.

What could happen? His girlfriend will find out what he’s really like and say exactly the same thing you are saying!

She may be able to get him to help himself and get a job.

Your son doesn't get to pick and choose the aspects and realities of being an adult. He's going to be a father, which means he has to step up and PROVIDE for his baby. Stop enabling him, the reason he's up all night is because you allow him to. The reason he doesn't work is because you allow him not to. The reason he shows you no respect is because you allow him to. Give him notice as he now needs to step up and support his girlfriend and baby.

@UnaLength where did I say the taxpayer should subsidise him?

Living at home requires full-time work or full-time education or a combination of the two that adds up to the total. . Given a health condition, I would caveat that with the equivalent full-time working a program for that condition.

Given limited resources working a program could be something as simple as a CBT workbook and periodic check-ins with his GP, but there should be something available to count towards some effort. Or checking with local services about free resources, group classes, etc.

I wish I knew where I went wrong with him. He’s had good role models his whole life, my partner and I have responsible well paid jobs, we’ve always worked, our whole family has. It’s not like he’s grown up with a family of dossers and learnt by example. I’ve been firm but fair with him growing up. Set boundaries, expected respect in return. I’ve done what I thought was the right thing for him always and this is how he’s turning out. God I’ve started off loading I can’t stop now! I sent him a link to a job he could apply for last week. After a couple of days I asked if he’d applied. He told me to “stop talking please” I mean it’s staring me in the face isn’t it? It’s just so hard

He's emotionally abusing you and with the threat of violence and self harm, keeping everything as he likes it.

How did that work out for your friend and her son if you don’t mind me asking? Did he see the light and sort his life out? How did your friend cope with the fall out?

You need to ask him to move out