21 year old son won’t work/can’t work

[Effmyeffinglife]

I’m desperate and looking for some advice/perspective.
My son is 21, he left school at 16 with limited qualifications and went to college. He never completed the course and since then he’s worked for a total of less than 6 months in 5 years…..

A bit of background - he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7, medicated through school which helped but he doesn’t take medication now. He’s bright and clever but never applied himself. He still lives at home but he has a girlfriend and is expecting a baby in May

Here is my problem….as I’ve said already, he doesn’t work. He claims universal credit and gets some disability element because he claims to have anxiety and depression which affects his ability to work. He’s awake all night and asleep all day which wouldn’t be a major problem if he didn’t keep us awake most of the night. My partner and I both work full time and are finding it increasingly difficult not getting enough sleep

He makes zero effort to be quiet, up and down to the kitchen for snacks, talking on the phone, playing his games and general noise you wouldn’t blink an eye at during the day but it’s very different at night. We’ve asked him countless times to be quiet and he doesn’t see the problem

I have asked him to pay board (not a lot, just enough to show him he has to pay his way in life) and he’s refused for the last 3 months. He’s actually said “why would I pay board for somewhere I don’t want to live”……

In the past he’s been violent when challenged about his behaviour. There are holes in his bedroom door to prove it. It’s left my partner and I reluctant to challenge him as we both recognise it could go too far and there’d be no coming back from it. Neither of us want that…..

Consequently my son believes he can carry on as he is.
He claims he can’t work due to anxiety but he has no problem with other social situations. If I do challenge him he will play on his mental health and threaten to harm himself or worse. It feels like emotional blackmail……

This is just a snapshot of what is going on, I could literally go on all day but I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore. It’s causing so many issues between my partner and I, I’m stuck in the middle feeling like who I should put first…….

We’ve tried everything; supporting, encouraging, motivating, talking to him, shouting at him! Even the impending baby hasn’t made him step up and realise he has to change…….

What would other parents do in this situation?

You need to kick him out.

As already suggested a letter giving him notice. And also as stated turning off the WiFi etc.

One of my friends was kicked out at 16, yes she made some bad choices but she now has a degree and job, she still has some mental health issues but is generally in a good place.

He'll either get a bed in a hostel or possibly a council flat, he won't get enough rent from benefits so will have to spend some of his UC on rent.

it’s unfair as no one has done more for him than me

I may be off on this but perhaps you have done too much. Sometimes we love our children so much we don't want them to have to learn any lessons the tough way.

I think a serious talk is in order. He seems to be suffering from multiple mental/medical issues that he's not medicating for, and is using the mental health as an excuse for avoiding basic adult responsibilities like completing his education, working and taking care of his coming child.

He is using emotional manipulation (threatening to harm himself) and disrespecting you. I think it's time to be very very clear that you love him and want the best for him, but you also expect him to take responsibility for himself in the ways that you know he he is able to and not to make manipulative threats like harming himself. You very much do not want him to harm himself, but if he does, you know that it is a choice he is making of his own free will and not because anything you did made him do so.

So he needs to take his medication to deal with his ADHD and anxiety. Establish healthier habits like exercising, establishing normal sleep/wake patterns and contributing to household chores. Committing to a counselling programme.

Once that's sorted he needs to get a job. Establish financial and physical care for his child. Then get a place to live independently. If he needs help organising himself to do these things, or advice, you will support him, but you're not going to take care of him financially for much longer and you're not going to give him access to the niceties of life like internet access to game with his friends all night when he is disrespectful to your face. If he becomes violent, you will call the police.

If you are amicable with your ex, get him on board with this approach too.

Your son is an adult but is acting like a bratty child and you are allowing him to do so. You didn't do anything to make him this way, he's choosing to be this way and he can choose otherwise too.

What you are talking about is domestic abuse
Controlling behaviour threats if violence , property damage , threats to harm himself if you don't comply with what he wants.

So in this instance I would say contact your local domestic abuse agency -look it up online under local authority adult social care will have links to it, and take it from there. A DA outreach worker would help be a support to you. Talk to your own GP and disclose this.

You may need to call police when he's being violent in the home. I know you don't want to, but you should not have to live like this and your DS has no other figure of authority telling him to stop and reign in his temper he directs towards you . He has no incentive to change.

You don't say if you have youngerDCs but if you do , they are learning this behaviour is normal - either to accept it or model it. You must act of you do have younger DCs

Do you want DS age 21 living with you endlessly like this with you constantly tiptoeing and under threat of violence?

It is time he started thinking about getting his own place.

Your son is a nasty, selfish, idle, manipulative abusing bully. You need to TELL him to leave your home. If he threatens any violence or starts throwing things, ring the police. I'm serious. Enough of this now.
Once you evict him, he can go to the housing office at the council for a bedit/houseshare or he can couch-surf or stay with friends.
You did nothing wrong. He is very far from unique.

I'd give him notice that he has to leave. Id also be reinforcing the point that he'll very shortly have a massive responsibility to provide for his own child once the baby arrives and asking what he's planning to do about that.

I have a relative that lived for over 10 years in their bedroom driving their mother up the wall like this (her other 3 kids had jobs etc). She eventually got him a room in a shared house and paid the deposit (maybe had to be guarantor?) and he had to get any job to support himself. It worked well overall because he was mixing with people his own age, seeing them date and buy things and occasionally he made a friend and they’d hang out. When the mother died a few years later this meant he’d actually managed to do this with some support rather than completely on his own.

It was a batshit time and not enjoyable for anyone but it needed to happen.

Starting anything new is daunting but it’s his own fault for not doing it in stages (get job agent, start job, get work friends, get shared flat, get own flat etc)

Hope you are ok.

If this were a relationship, you’d have an unequivocal chorus of ltb due to violence, abuse and coercive control. The suicide threats are something people often resort to to maintain control.

Your ds is refusing to take any responsibility for himself or the impact he is having in the home. He has violent tendencies (whether directed at you or the house), is sabotaging your ability to provide for the household, refusing to work, refusing to take medication, refusing to get any kind of mental health help or help to transition to training / employment.

He is stuck and right now I don’t know how effective you would be to help. You are exhausted. I love what you’ve suggested @CheekyHobson and am unclear if this is possible due to the pressure op and her dp are under. Only op can say. What is clear is that his father has helped very little, which is unfair.

I know this is terribly hard, but I think a tough love approach is needed. I haven’t been through this. But my dd is now a teen. I see some other parents already barely parenting and / or afraid of their teen and they’re only 13/14 so I wonder what will happen in the future… I’m not saying this was you at all op. But if you do nothing now, nothing will change. You cannot behave the same and expect change from the other person. It has to come from you.

I think either dropping your ds’s stuff off at his father’s house and changing the locks or presenting him as homeless as described above will be infinitely better for your ds in the long run. He is behaving like and overgrown toddler and you will need to put up big boundaries to effect change.

The same rules should apply now as applied for any parenting issue really. Boundaries with love and consistency. I imagine it is easier in the short term to capitulate but the future ramifications can be huge. Even more so now because your ds is supposed to have transitioned to young adulthood and he hasn’t.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, you sound so beaten down.

Of he's supposed to be taking ADHD medication abs is refusing to, then that's probably a large part of it too. You need to sit him down and tell him, and talk about the medication part aswell.

If you're keeping him home to protect him, are you thinking when he's 55, you'll be happy having him splayed on your settee in his underpants, beer in hand. Of course not. You can't keep him safe forever. It's time for him to fly the nest... with a slight nudge of your foot

This ^^

My sister's son is like this - 46 and still living with his mother who is too scared to turf him out "because he might hurt himself". He has been trotting out that threat every time she even looks like asking him to leave / pay his way / do any chores. Don't let that happen to you , op.

You say he no longer takes his ADHD meds - why? Nothing excuses his terrible behaviour but if is sleep is this badly impacted and he's not medicated or in control of his ADHD then he probably IS anxious and depressed.

Not giving him a get out, but if he is diagnosed with an issue that makes life harder, and he is not taking the meds...well...I would be pushing for him to address that.

This needs to stop. Offer a solution: son you either step up contributing to the running of the house; or move out. Feel like you’re going to hurt yourself? Right get in the car I’m talking to to the mental health A and E. If he starts kicking off, right I’m phoning the police.
He’s getting away with it because he’s got all the power. That needs to shift.
If he stays, he should be in charge of all his own washing and cleaning as well as contributing to the bills. He could cook a couple of shared meals per week.

It sounds like he needs to take his medication and see a specialist about his adhd as he isn’t coping with life. I would let him carry on living with you but only on the condition that he tries his best to get help with his adhd.

I meant to add a personal story. My dh’s 40+ cousin is the same. He’s about 10 years younger than dh. I tried hard to get him on the right path with advice, having him at ours to talk, advising him and so forth. He also has or had the sleep all most of the day, up most of the night pattern.

By his early 20’s he had never really worked and left school with no formal qualifications despite being bright enough to get them. Had had a couple of months success selling toys at his market stall before Christmas but that had tapered off. From how enthusiastically the family talked about the market stall, I thought he was ready to work and really could just do with a hand. So I asked dh to take him on as a temp through an agency in the warehouse he managed.

He lasted for 3 1/2 weeks in the job then quit. Dh enquired and he cited mental health issues. He then presented as catatonic, refusing to speak or eat and spent a couple of weeks in some kind of rehab (not in the U.K.) and bragged about how he smoked weed the whole time he was there. On release, he was subsequently assigned a psychiatrist and engaged the bare minimum 10 mins once a month.

He never actually left home. Late 20s he went to prison for about a year for something like ABH against his very controlling father, the father who was regularly violent to his mother. I didn’t meet him til he was about 18 but do not think the father was violent to him, pre teens at least but it obviously turned violent between them at some stage.

His mother took the prison sentence as the ultimate betrayal, divorced her husband, bought an apartment and had her son return to her home on release from prison. Since then, he has never worked and lives on benefits. He has also bled his mother dry. She had POA and in turn defrauded her mother out of tens of thousands to feed his drug, booze and fancy clothes habit. He is violent to her and has strangled her on two occasions that we are aware of. She refuses to press charges or throw him out.

Idk if he has any kind of neurological additional needs. But one thing for sure, he is totally screwed up by a father, who was extremely controlling and a mother, who over compensated, showered him with affection and made him into her quasi partner. But when I said tough love in my post above, my thoughts always go to him and what should and could have been.

Sibling was like this - though he did get a string of min wage jobs. Parents too scared to kick him out. They ended up paying his rent and being guarantor and phone bill so they could contact him. They lost a couple of deposits as he got in dispute with flatmates and landlords. He got into debt spirals with payday loans and overspent on phone bills - which parents had to sort out. But in his 30s he now rents his own place (occasionally asks for money) and recently got made a manager at a shop. I think if he had stayed at home he wouldn’t be able to do this.

@MadeForThis

At 21 I would expect him to move in with his girlfriend and start his own family and life.

The girlfriend really doesn't need 2 children to look after! Especially when the OP's son sounds immature, manipulative and potentially abusive.

My son is very like yours OP. I have involved the police several times due to his violence and I have now made him leave. He is at uni so is able to stay there until July but after that will be homeless. He too threatens suicide regularly and blames me (and to a lesser extent , his dad) for all his problems and I have had to cut all contact with him due to the relentless abuse. I wish I had an answer for you but in my case I see no happy ending and am totally heartbroken as , like you, we provided a loving, stable upbringing where he had every opportunity to thrive. I am pleased to read stories of sons who have eventually turned things around because at the moment I envisage only prison or suicide as the likely future for my son.
I have spent many hours reading support threads on Mumsnet and followed the parenting advice to “keep holding on to the rope” for as long as I could through these horrendous few years, but for my own sanity I have now let go and have resigned myself to losing my son.

What would I do? Next time he’s out, change the locks and leave his belongings in a bin liner on the doorstep. He’s already said he doesn’t want to live there…..so….

If you make him homeless, the council have a duty of care to house him, particularly if he takes his pregnant baby momma along with him.

Oh and the “I’ve got such and such wrong with my mental health so can’t work but can cope in a social situation long enough to get into a relationship with a lass and knock her up” wouldn’t fly with me. Let’s see how quickly his “anxiety” clears up when he’s got literally no choice but to get a job.

@Namenic

Sibling was like this - though he did get a string of min wage jobs. Parents too scared to kick him out. They ended up paying his rent and being guarantor and phone bill so they could contact him. They lost a couple of deposits as he got in dispute with flatmates and landlords. He got into debt spirals with payday loans and overspent on phone bills - which parents had to sort out. But in his 30s he now rents his own place (occasionally asks for money) and recently got made a manager at a shop. I think if he had stayed at home he wouldn’t be able to do this.

The issue with being a guarantor is that you’re at the whim of the landlord to give notice on the rental. I’m a ll myself and I once had this with a couple, who spent their cash on booze and stuff rather than rent. After maybe 15 months, her parents picked up the tab for a couple of months. At first, I thought it was a blip and they’d got into a bind. But a few months later, they just stopped paying. I obviously felt terribly guilty taking rent from random people and gave them notice to let the poor parents off the hook and waited to see if I’d have to evict etc. I didn’t. I also had the parents address and googled earthed it. To my dismay these poor people were living in 2 up 2 down in a not very nice part of town. IE in less favourable conditions than my tenants. But had I not done so, the parents would not have been able to terminate the contract from their end.

I most certainly would not be a guarantor in op’s situation unless I could easily afford to pay that rent for a long period of time.

I'd pay for a bedsit. It'd be worth the money to have that weight lifted and the house back to normal.

I've just looked in Rightmove and it would cost minimum £300 pcm, but about £450 for the average kind of place. I'd be getting a £300 pcm room in a house share for him. And tell him he's good to live how he wants. And he I lay comes back here to visit when he can speak to you normally.

Redecorate his empty bedroom and get your lives back.

If you make him homeless, the council have a duty of care to house him, particularly if he takes his pregnant baby momma along with him.

It doesn't sound like he should live with his girlfriend under any circumstances (and it sounds like her parents are aware of this). She is vulnerable and will have a new baby to take care of. The OP's son is violent, irresponsible, immature and manipulative. Them living together would be setting her up for an abusive relationship. The OP needs to kick him out, but this poor girl should not be pressured into playing house with him.

The crazy situation of sleeping all day and waking all night is likely behind much of his depression.

I think you can set a couple of ultimatums before you kick him out. One that he has to try to reset his sleep/wake pattern which would take a few weeks. Two he needs speak to the GP about his sleep, depression, and adhd and go back on his medication if recommended. He definitely seems to have a mood problem that he is taking out on you. He’s not a teenager anymore and that is no longer acceptable. Things like getting more sunlight and eating food with a wide range of vitamins and nutrients will help. These basic things should improve his mood and hopefully he will start to realise he is treating the most important people in his life badly.

Give him to shape up or ship out, I would give you him 3 months to find somewhere to live.

does he have a grandmother or other relative who might talk to him?
is there a course he can go on for not working young people, i recommend those

In the real world, if you are 21 and you don't pay rent, you can't live there. Simple as.
Your son needs some very tough love.

@Blossom64265

Living at home requires full-time work or full-time education or a combination of the two that adds up to the total. . Given a health condition, I would caveat that with the equivalent full-time working a program for that condition.

Given limited resources working a program could be something as simple as a CBT workbook and periodic check-ins with his GP, but there should be something available to count towards some effort. Or checking with local services about free resources, group classes, etc.

Completely agree with this - either study or work if he wants to live in your house.

He is bullying and abusing you, appears to have a sense of entitlement but also lacks emotional intelligence. He is having everything his own way and has absolutely no respect for you. Set ground rules for living in your house or he can leave. He is about to be a father soon so needs to start growing up fast.