21 year old son won’t work/can’t work

[Effmyeffinglife]

I’m desperate and looking for some advice/perspective.
My son is 21, he left school at 16 with limited qualifications and went to college. He never completed the course and since then he’s worked for a total of less than 6 months in 5 years…..

A bit of background - he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7, medicated through school which helped but he doesn’t take medication now. He’s bright and clever but never applied himself. He still lives at home but he has a girlfriend and is expecting a baby in May

Here is my problem….as I’ve said already, he doesn’t work. He claims universal credit and gets some disability element because he claims to have anxiety and depression which affects his ability to work. He’s awake all night and asleep all day which wouldn’t be a major problem if he didn’t keep us awake most of the night. My partner and I both work full time and are finding it increasingly difficult not getting enough sleep

He makes zero effort to be quiet, up and down to the kitchen for snacks, talking on the phone, playing his games and general noise you wouldn’t blink an eye at during the day but it’s very different at night. We’ve asked him countless times to be quiet and he doesn’t see the problem

I have asked him to pay board (not a lot, just enough to show him he has to pay his way in life) and he’s refused for the last 3 months. He’s actually said “why would I pay board for somewhere I don’t want to live”……

In the past he’s been violent when challenged about his behaviour. There are holes in his bedroom door to prove it. It’s left my partner and I reluctant to challenge him as we both recognise it could go too far and there’d be no coming back from it. Neither of us want that…..

Consequently my son believes he can carry on as he is.
He claims he can’t work due to anxiety but he has no problem with other social situations. If I do challenge him he will play on his mental health and threaten to harm himself or worse. It feels like emotional blackmail……

This is just a snapshot of what is going on, I could literally go on all day but I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore. It’s causing so many issues between my partner and I, I’m stuck in the middle feeling like who I should put first…….

We’ve tried everything; supporting, encouraging, motivating, talking to him, shouting at him! Even the impending baby hasn’t made him step up and realise he has to change…….

What would other parents do in this situation?

@MadeForThis

At 21 I would expect him to move in with his girlfriend and start his own family and life.

Yep.

He is abusing you and are allowing and inadvertently facilitating it.

If he can hold down a relationship and breed he can go out and make his own way in the world.

I would extra nice /kind /supportive/helpful to your DIL. Work on cultivating a direct relationship with her and would be watching your son and her closely for signs of domestic abuse.

I feel for you and all the other long suffering parents with boys like these. I have a 19 yr old who is showing alarming signs of drifting into this life so am reading this with great interest.
I have come across this so much in my life. There doesn’t seem to be anything that parents did wrong. Just that victim mentality and laziness that some men seem to be born with. I am sure there are daughters like this too but it’s always the boys in my own experience.
My brother was basically an unemployed gamer indulged by my parents until his late 20s. He got out of the situation by getting mugged! He started martial arts to help with self defence and that seemed to knock him out of his stupor. He got a job and a partner and a baby and is now a fabulous man.
My own DS is in bed until 2pm. He is pleasant and says the right things but seems to be waiting for someone to give him everything he wants without any effort on his part. He has worked for 2 weeks since A levels and has every excuse for not being able to find a job.
The internet is full of these arrogant and sneery anti work men who often blame everyone else for their own lack of success at life. My two hard working DDs call them Comic Book Guys (Simpson’s reference 😁)
Some of these comments have been so helpful. I’ll be ripping open his curtains a bit earlier today!
OP I know how hard it is to talk to people like this. I would send an email or text instead making it clear something has to change and soon. Give consequences and a deadline. It can be loving and supportive but should leave no doubt that YOU are not prepared to tolerate the situation much longer.
Be prepared for ‘I didn’t ask to be born’…

I’m really thankful for everyone’s comments. Hearing how other people have gone through the same things and come out the other side is encouraging. Equally, hearing where it’s gone wrong with getting into debt, drugs, prison etc following being kicked out is I think what I’m most scared of.

I see asking him to leave is a fork in the road in his life and he’s got 2 routes; he can either use it as the wake up call it’s meant to be and sort his life out or, he goes off the rails even more and spirals into a worse position than he’s in now.

I know he is capable of doing well in life. He’s clever, smart and despite his shortcomings, he can be funny and kind and sweet and caring at times.

I’m writing this after another disturbed night. My OH is asleep now after taking the morning off work, he’s so tired. Son is asleep now too - kinda like sleeping when the baby sleeps except the “baby” is 21, it’s beyond ridiculous.

I know what I need to do. Just need to put my big girl pants on and do it

Thanks everyone xx

I'd give him a month to move out, and kick him out.

If he doesn't want to pay for somewhere he doesn't want to live, give him an ultimatum and tell him he has 4 weeks to move out.

He's a grown man and expecting a baby

Ask him to move out ?!

It has gone on long enough OP. GP really needs to be first port of call.

If you're anywhere near Liverpool, Ladders of Life would be helpful.

Kick him out, he's just exerting power now. You're not responsible for his mental health & you can't fix him.

We have a very similar situation in our family but 20 years on. Do something now, trust me...

@Effmyeffinglife

The GF situation is where it gets even more complicated. She has issues of her own. For many reasons they will be unable to move into their own place and she will remain at home with her parents providing support. They are paying a serious amount of money to make changes to their house to accommodate this. However they have said my son can’t live with them. Both his GF’s family and mine are decent, hard working, law abiding people who will do anything in our power to ensure that baby is NOT disadvantaged in any way. The same way we have for our children

Glad to see this, (not that GF has issues) but that her parents are supportive and aren’t kicking their daughter out to fend for herself and disadvantaging the new baby in the way that so many parents-generally like on Mumsnet- think is appropriate. I think we know the GF is very likely to become a single parent very quickly.

I say this with kindness, but as you’ve already realised, it’s time for some tough love, to stop pandering to his “anxiety and depression” and make him grow up

Even if you continue to "look after" him, may well end badly. You can't predict outcomes.

I know a young man whose mum and step-dad felt sorry for him and ‘accidentally out of love’ enabled his failure to launch himself socially and into the world of work at the appropriate time. He had no special needs in school. 18 years later he lives a nocturnal life in their converted attic room only going out into fresh air twice a week ..once to sign on for his benefits and once to buy the stuff he smokes to keep him from becoming violent with his step dad. All his money goes on weed, He has never had any tertiary education nor has he worked a day in his entire life. He does nothing to maintain the household and eats microwave food which his mum still provides for him. He leaves his dirty pots in the sink for somebody else to wash. Likewise his laundry. He speaks to her appallingly. He needs wifi to apply for jobs that he has no hope of ever getting but it’s a requirement for his benefits, so his mum felt she had to provide it. Whenever his mum and step dad became firm and tried to lay down boundaries, he became violent. His grandfather walked with him down to the local aldi (years ago now) to support him in asking for one of the jobs they were desperate to fill. He deliberately blew that opportunity out of fear of change.. He now has no hope of living a normal life and his mum knows it so is even more reluctant to throw him out onto the street. She tried it once or twice over the years but he just broke back in again so that she has lived in fear of his violence all this time. Her son’s life has narrowed to simply existing and there is little hope he will ever be able to change his ways now. He is now at the stage where he hates himself and is regretful but if anybody tries to talk to him or counsel him he responds with aggression or walking away. Nobody dare go into his attic room and he rarely ventures out. He has no Tv in there just an old computer and his phone. Such a sad state of affairs.

You son still has opportunities. Training courses, voluntary work, apprenticeships. Don’t let his opportunities diminish with the passing of time. You must act before it’s too late and force your son out into the world of work no matter how hard it is for you as a loving mother. If he is capable of a social life then it isn’t impossible to find work. Plenty of people with anxiety and mental health issues and learning disabilities manage to work at least part-time. If he becomes violent, simply call the police. He needs a short sharp shock to get him over the fear of independence facilitated by work.
Good luck in reaching out to help find him some sort of course or work that could lead to a future and for laying out a plan that you insist he accepts. Involve the police if you have to. I really feel for you

Could a lot of his issues be addressed if he went back in his medication?

Would he go to the GP?

It must be daunting because of the way he has been violent and angry in the past but would he respond to a coordinated wall of tough love from you, your partner and his Dad? All saying ‘time to turn your life around. Get meds, get a job, treat your mum and home with respect”

The problem at the moment may be that because if ADHD he doesn’t really see any issue with moving out, thinks it would be a bed of roses with 24 hour gaming, all good.

I think I would try one more concerted coordinated effort supported firmly by all grown up adults to get him to be more self sufficient.

BUT YANBU not to put up with the current disruption to your own life.

He seems to have a solution: go back in the meds. But is choosing not to take it.

Sorry if I have that wrong.

@LAMPS1 that is unbelievably sad and a terrifying glimpse into my future if I don’t act soon.
My heart breaks for the life he could have if he took responsibility for his own actions

OP, gather all the help and support and signposts that you can and have a mighty effort, all of you involved in his life not just you, at persuading him that work is the only answer to a good decent and respectful life …and that work can be enjoyable even though it’s a scary prospect to start with. Have some sort of plan that he could agree to work towards, through small steps if necessary. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his current lifestyle will no longer be acceptable to any of you supporting him and that he must accept your plan or come up with a workable plan of his own with a timescale.
I really feel that failure to launch into the world of work is through fear. His anger and aggression and superiority over you is simply a mask to cover his deep fear that he wouldn’t cope….he doesn’t want you to witness his fear. He mustn’t go any further on this downward spiral to hopelessness.

Good luck, OP. It's really hard but you can see what you have to do.

tbh there’s no need for your son to contribute in any way, his life is great already. why would he change anything when he has bed, board, gaming, parents who never challenge him, money to live on, excuses and people who pussyfoot around him?
I’d love his life
Sounds great tbh

LAMPS and the story of my dh’s cousins is exactly why you cannot ignore this. I know you are scared. However, in general, I think young men are more, not less likely to turn to drugs, offend and get himself into serious trouble if you allow them to live without boundaries. The longer the situation goes on, the more angry and scared they become and more difficult it is to change as the brain and beliefs become more and more entrenched, less and less flexible. Drugs and (to a lesser extent nowadays) alcohol are then used to self medicate and take these feelings away.

Right now your ds is not being challenged and he is allowed to get away with it as you both live in fear. He has transmitted his fear of life and failure onto him and the pay off for him is massive. Unless this dynamic is challenged in some way, this will be set for life. Continuing as you are is no kindness to anyone, including your ds.

Cut off the internet at night.

@Vapeyvapevape

Cut off the internet at night.

Ooh that’s a really good idea. If his focus is technology, it can only be accessed if he addresses the problem of his body clock. Like a first step to joining the real world.

There is no excuse for the not working attitude. Especially if he's bright as you say. Public services are crying out for young people to come into the service professions - police, NHS, care workers, border force. He could build a really solid career if he wanted to.

I know this thread is a couple of weeks old now but I wanted to see if the OP has any updates.

I have the same issue with my 20 year old son (excluding the aggresion). Since leaving school he has had 3 jobs each lasting no more than 3 weeks due to him constantly calling in sick. He has a cleaning rota that is very detailed and specific about what needs to be done and when but agter a few weeks he starts missing bits and doing the minimum. Last year I made a rule that he haa to pay £200 a month for housekeeping and if he cant he would have to find somewhere to live. (I thought this was better then constant threats of kicking him out and more like what would happen in the real world). His rent is due on Monday and when I asked if he could pay it he said no. When I asked if he had been looking for work he said no. He said he will leave at the end of the month as he was sick of the threat of being kicked out. I explained paying housekeeping was not a threat and that in the real world, people pay rent or get evicted. I am fully prepared for him to leave or if not to tell him to leave on Monday. It is not an easy decision and breaks my heart however I cannot enable him further. His dad, my ex, was the same and is now 40 odd still in and out of work living with his mum. I have made mistakes as a parent, im sure we all have but I feel over the last 4 years I have tried to help him in so many ways.

The saying "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results" springs to mind when reading similar situations to mine. I truly hope and pray that my son leaving will be the making of him and will be happy to accept him back when he is willing to contribute his fair share to this household.

Tell him to leave by the end of February. He sounds lazy, entitled, manipulating and totally selfish. I feel sorry for your partner, he must have the patience of a saint. Next time he starts smashing the house up or being violent then phone the police

Oh and saw your update about the girlfriend magically not able to move out from her parents. I would be careful her and your son don’t try to offload child rearing onto you or her parents. It’s impressive that they’re having a child but conversely can’t stand on their own 2 feet at all

He's entitled lazy, selfish, abusive and violent. I'd throw him out, in the hopes he'd swim instead of sinking. Does his dp know the extent of what he's like? He'll probably end up cock lodging with her. Your poor grandchild to be.

I had a baby 3 years ago at age 21 so I know he really needs to start getting on his feet. He sounds like the type who will cuddle the baby for 5 minutes and refuse to change nappies. Please stop making excuses for him and ask him to move out. You’re doing him no favours.