21 year old son won’t work/can’t work

[Effmyeffinglife]

I’m desperate and looking for some advice/perspective.
My son is 21, he left school at 16 with limited qualifications and went to college. He never completed the course and since then he’s worked for a total of less than 6 months in 5 years…..

A bit of background - he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7, medicated through school which helped but he doesn’t take medication now. He’s bright and clever but never applied himself. He still lives at home but he has a girlfriend and is expecting a baby in May

Here is my problem….as I’ve said already, he doesn’t work. He claims universal credit and gets some disability element because he claims to have anxiety and depression which affects his ability to work. He’s awake all night and asleep all day which wouldn’t be a major problem if he didn’t keep us awake most of the night. My partner and I both work full time and are finding it increasingly difficult not getting enough sleep

He makes zero effort to be quiet, up and down to the kitchen for snacks, talking on the phone, playing his games and general noise you wouldn’t blink an eye at during the day but it’s very different at night. We’ve asked him countless times to be quiet and he doesn’t see the problem

I have asked him to pay board (not a lot, just enough to show him he has to pay his way in life) and he’s refused for the last 3 months. He’s actually said “why would I pay board for somewhere I don’t want to live”……

In the past he’s been violent when challenged about his behaviour. There are holes in his bedroom door to prove it. It’s left my partner and I reluctant to challenge him as we both recognise it could go too far and there’d be no coming back from it. Neither of us want that…..

Consequently my son believes he can carry on as he is.
He claims he can’t work due to anxiety but he has no problem with other social situations. If I do challenge him he will play on his mental health and threaten to harm himself or worse. It feels like emotional blackmail……

This is just a snapshot of what is going on, I could literally go on all day but I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore. It’s causing so many issues between my partner and I, I’m stuck in the middle feeling like who I should put first…….

We’ve tried everything; supporting, encouraging, motivating, talking to him, shouting at him! Even the impending baby hasn’t made him step up and realise he has to change…….

What would other parents do in this situation?

Given that he already receives UC he will be able to claim an element towards rent once he finds himself a new private rented place. However due to his age he would only be able to claim the equivalent of the cost of a room in a house share. One practical thing you could do to facilitate him moving out is to act as guarantor and/or provide a deposit for him. Not all landlords accept tenants whose only income is benefits but house shares can tend to be more amenable

If he goes to the housing office to seek social housing you should write a letter addressed to him saying that you wish him to move out by x date. This is so that the council do not deem him intentionally homeless which means they will not have any duty to house him. Best case scenario for a young single man is a room in a hostel if anything at all.

Best option is for him and pregnant gf to apply for social housing as a couple. They will have to make a joint claim for benefits but a small baby will give higher priority for social housing.

He doesn't want to live there then he needs to find somewhere else to live. What does his girlfriend think? He needs to step up and take responsibility for the child hes bringing into this world.

The fact he keeps you awake at night and is being so self centred is the deal breaker.

He'll be entitled to a room in a shared house, what he makes of his life is up to him.

Imo it is easy to accept the 'abuse -'when they are hormonal minors- Now he is an adult he cannot blame you for lack of parenting /boundaries /helping him out / lack of money /whatever crap dc come out with. He is a man. Old enough to father a dc....he needs to man the fuck up
For everyone's sake he needs to leave.
And I say that as a dm who told her ds 21 to move out for his aggressive behaviour..

OP please stop worrying about 'the fall out'.
You've spend 5 years worrying about him hurting himself/you upsetting him etc. He knows you won't do anything as long as he hangs the threats over you. How many more years is this going to continue while you pussyfoot around him? What sort of father is he going to be? That poor child has him as a role model?

The GF situation is where it gets even more complicated. She has issues of her own. For many reasons they will be unable to move into their own place and she will remain at home with her parents providing support. They are paying a serious amount of money to make changes to their house to accommodate this. However they have said my son can’t live with them. Both his GF’s family and mine are decent, hard working, law abiding people who will do anything in our power to ensure that baby is NOT disadvantaged in any way. The same way we have for our children

I wish you well OP, it sounds like both sets of GP'S will be very involved with the raising of the child.

Kick him out. It's the only way, and quite possibly the best thing you will ever do for him.

You can still support him with his mental health when he lives elsewhere. What about developing your own mental game plan for what he will do if he actually does harm himself? Which, for the record, I doubt, but I think it would help you to know what to do (call an ambulance, have the number for local mental health services on hand, call his father, etc.).

Also: anything he does or does not do to himself will not be your responsibility. He's an adult and a father; you do him no favours by enabling him.

Yes he needs to leave.

How's he accessing all this gaming and phone chat at night? I'd be turning off the WiFi, and removing the games systems. If he wants to act like a mardy teen living at home, not contributing or anything, that's the life he can have.

@Effmyeffinglife

How did that work out for your friend and her son if you don’t mind me asking? Did he see the light and sort his life out? How did your friend cope with the fall out?

He was a nightmare, but she stood firm and said he wasn't allowed back in the house. He continued to make very poor choices (including taking out a whole load of pay-day loans which he blew on trying to show off to his mates).

Fast-forward five years and he'd qualified as a plumber and turned out okay!

The tough-love stance was totally necessary.

Can I just flag up DO NOT ACT AS A GUARANTOUR unless you are prepared to pick up what could turn into a very large bill.

Could he get into supported accommodation?

Sounds like he’s very good at manipulating you. You need to toughen up.

He needs to move out. If necessary you need to make him leave. And I'd immediately convert his room into something else - a home office, gym, anything. But it can't be available as a bedroom for him to come back to. Otherwise he'll very likely try when he finds out what the real world is like.

You can provide support in other ways.

@DeeplyMovingExperience many landlords require guarantors for tenants under 25 even if they are in work!

What are you currently doing for him?
Washing
Cooking
Cleaning
Lifts
WiFi?
Buy toiletries?
Phone credit?

Stop doing these things!

I think you are making it too comfy - and by the sounds of it sons his girlfriends mother!

Going back on medication for adhd could turn this around massively for him, for you all. Changed my dd's life entirely. I'd at least try it and give it a decent chance - 6 months at least. A good doctor will titrate to find the right dose of the right med too, if he's against it due to any side effects they will try until one is found that works and is aceptable.

My son had ‘failure to launch’ issues, while back now, and he got a place at the YMCA. From there he did various courses which he enjoyed, sporadic work, and now lives in council accommodation on esa. I am thankful every day that he lives independently from me. He is also very manipulative and has a victim mentality that masks his deep disappointment with how his life turned out.
We suspect he’s on the spectrum. It’s very difficult to see your child grow up like this.
He visits occasionally but is not allowed to stay overnight. We have tried so many times to help him but it all leads to nothing.

My advice would be get your son living independently and don’t be his guarantor as he’s very entitled and would spend his rent money and leave you to pay his rent. If you give him any money, make sure it’s small amounts well spaced apart. Sending you big hugs.

I would be asking him to leave

He can stay with his girlfriend, his father, or hostel or whatever

He doesn’t want to live with you so off he pops

@Effmyeffinglife

I wish I knew where I went wrong with him. He’s had good role models his whole life, my partner and I have responsible well paid jobs, we’ve always worked, our whole family has. It’s not like he’s grown up with a family of dossers and learnt by example. I’ve been firm but fair with him growing up. Set boundaries, expected respect in return. I’ve done what I thought was the right thing for him always and this is how he’s turning out. God I’ve started off loading I can’t stop now! I sent him a link to a job he could apply for last week. After a couple of days I asked if he’d applied. He told me to “stop talking please” I mean it’s staring me in the face isn’t it? It’s just so hard

He's 21 and he's worked 6 months out of 5 years. You didn't model that but you allowed it. And that's where he's learned it from. He's too depressed to get a job but he's not too depressed to impregnate someone. He's a cheeky, rude, inconsiderate user who is abusing you by playing on your fears. If you're keeping him home to protect him, are you thinking when he's 55, you'll be happy having him splayed on your settee in his underpants, beer in hand. Of course not. You can't keep him safe forever. It's time for him to fly the nest... with a slight nudge of your foot.

Omg
Definitely stop cooking/ cleaning/ providing WiFi

Crumbs. Sounds like he needs tough loce

*love

[quote nomorefrogs]@UnaLength where did I say the taxpayer should subsidise him? [/quote]
By saying that OP needs to evict him so he can be housed elsewhere, you insinuate that he could then be entitled to social housing.

Why is he so selfish and inconsiderate?
Have you and his father taught him basic life skills growing up like basic cooking, cleaning, laundry etc?

If not, start now.

Have you and his father taught him basic social skills like being kind and thoughtful to others which comes down to give and take, not take take take from one side and give give give from the other.

If not, start now.

Housework is always teamwork when there are adults in the home or children beyond the toddler stage. Neurodiversity doesn't stop people from learning to use a vacuum cleaner or sort the laundry .

Better your son learns to manage his anger now than later when there is a baby.

You have to detach emotionally and financially to help him.

You know this. Call the police if he kicks off.

Do not accept selfish, intimidating behaviour from anyone.

He needs to have basic life and social skills in order to lead a successful independent adult life so help him by not doing anything for him.

He is going to be a dad. Let him grow up.

I used to volunteer at a homeless shelter and there were plenty of long suffering parents who had had enough and had evicted their violent sons.

They were all given key workers and had employment, mental health and training support so it would be the best thing you could do for him.

Good luck