Do you ever stop worrying about them?

[Borisblackcat]

DC’s are early twenties and I don’t know why I worry so much about them. Any upset to them and I take it on myself tenfold and usually it’s something not really worth the anxiety when you look at everything else going on in life.
I thought things were meant to get easier as they got older but doesn’t seem to be the case with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I seem to be the only one like this.

I think the easy answer is no. I thought that once the teen years were out of the way then it would be much easier but each stage of parenting has its own set of problems.

I’m a terrible over thinker OP and I’m probably the same as you in that their problems affect me much more than they should. I take on their upsets and worries too. DH doesn’t understand why I’m like this and it’s been worse since covid as I’ve got them both a home so I’m a bit too aware/involved in what’s going on.

I’m sure we are not alone.

My DD is nearly 20 and my DH is exactly the same. Men

Nope.

Ds is 27. He bust up with his girlfriend 2 months ago. I was devastated for him, but he bobbed up straight away like a cork. Recovered much faster than me😣

It’s like a little piece of your heart wandering round the world at will. And you can’t do anything to stop it being damaged.

Absolutely not.
When you have a DH who distances themselves and doesn't understand their issues or your issues it is even worse as they come to you all the time.

My DDs are 13 months and 4 years. I think your post is from my future. I'm a naturally anxious over thinker, and I know I'm going to find it very hard to let go. They both also have lots of food allergies. They may grow out of some but my youngest already carries an epi pen for peanut. I can't imagine ever being calm about her just being out in the world... eek

I can honestly say that I definitely have lost more sleep and gained grey hairs the older my children have got. They are three lovely people all in their twenties but I stress about them driving,relationship disappointments,jobs ,be able to earn enough to be independent and so it goes on ! The problem is me because I am a worrier. Also we cannot fix their problems! I really do get it OP 💐

@Borisblackcat what sorts of things do you worry about? Also, do you want to worry less? Or are you comfortable with it and perhaps someone else is telling you it’s too much worry?

I’m in my 40’s and my parents still worry about me . When I got married they probably thought they could relax, but then my marriage didn’t work out and suddenly I was a worry again. In all fairness I’m pretty self sufficient but that doesn’t stop their concern for my welfare.

My eldest son is 19, just passed his driving test, he's gone out just now to collect his girlfriend from a gig, I wish I only had to worry about him toppling over and bumping his head like I did when he was tiny, I have another 4 at home with me and I'm sure I'll feel the same when they set off out into the world

Nope, comes with the job description of a mother, your awake listening for that key in the door whilst their father snores🙄

Oh I like this thread I thought it was just me!! My DD 18 has just passed her test and is either driving around with a "mate" ( won't tell me who) until 3am, or going to the nightclubs, also til 3am. I hate it so much. Nothing I can do - adult- but I don't think I'll ever sleep again. It's awful.

It never ends. I worry about my 27 year old alone in a flat a long way from home 😢 I worry about my 24 year old having an obsessive partner 😢. You worry if they will get a job after uni, you worry about everything you can! . It doesn’t stop!

I never worry about my DC anymore . Now i worry about my 3 dgc. Life is a circle

I am autistic and have a huge problem with being overly empathetic - its hasn't left as they have gotten older!

I worry about my three 20-somethings all the time, even when there's nothing to worry about. In fact I worry more about them now than when they were little and living at home. They say it gets easier the older they get, but in my experience it doesn't.

I think it's just normal. My 85 year old mother still worries about 57 year old me

No

It’s like a little piece of your heart wandering round the world at will. And you can’t do anything to stop it being damaged.

So beautifully put.
And no, you don’t. Ever.

@Ionlydomassiveones
It's quite comforting to think I'm not the only mum wide awake thinking the worst and trying to stop myself texting or calling at 4am. You have my sympathy!
I am seriously considering antidepressants to help. It's my problem not hers, she's just being a young adult just like we did. She is upset that I'm upset and offering not to go out anymore which obviously I can't take her up on! She needs to find her way and she's pretty sensible mostly but still naive. She's a bit ditsy- lost her ID at a nightclub 2 days before her driving test, let her car run out of battery at 3am by sitting around in a car park with some lad for hours with her music on ( guess who drove out to rescue her)
But I have made a list:
She is careful
She doesn't drive like a maniac ( barely gets out of 3rd gear)
She wouldn't go anywhere with someone she doesn't know
She has her Snapchat maps on so her friends can find her
She will never walk home alone
She will call me if anything happens

The list works perfectly for me during the day- less effective in the middle of the night!

My middle of the night list is more along the lines of:
She's dead
She's been kidnapped
She's had her drink spiked
She's crashed into a ditch and no one has found her
She's gone back to some drug dealers flat
She's wandering the streets drunk and vulnerable
She's dead

I need something to banish the second list to the realms of fantasy and keep me focused on my lovely positive list.

Anyone got any helpful coping techniques for us petrified mums?

mvmvmvmv I worry about all sorts of stuff and I do want to stop, or at least be able to put things into perspective.
Sunflowers765 and Ionlydomassiveones I’ve absolutely been there with Dd when she was single and socialising a lot. I was a wreck and I nearly ruined our relationship. It’s awful.
I just can’t bear them being upset over anything but I realise that it’s my problem with anxiety.

Nope...I'm with you @ionlydomassiveones & @Sunflowers765.
DD 19 is recently single and is ready to pub & club it, which she didn't do with ex bf of 3 years. I'm in uncharted waters now...hate that I'm such a worrier and over protective/anxious... etc. I know I've got to be a bit more chilled but it won't stop me checking my phone and biting my hand to stop sending the 'everything ok? hope you're having a good time' text....which we all know means ARE YOU ALIVE!

Mine live 250 miles away and I am grateful they are in good jobs, have homes and are happy.
However I don't worry about their well being or safety. They are sensible, aware of dangers and I cannot control or be responsible for their behaviour. I don't need sleepless nights at my age

Omg this is me too! DD 19 at Uni when she’s out for the night.

My middle of the night list is more along the lines of:
She's dead
She's been kidnapped
She's had her drink spiked
She's crashed into a ditch and no one has found her
She's gone back to some drug dealers flat
She's wandering the streets drunk and vulnerable
She's dead

I think the worry gets more intense as they get older actually. I would say I was more “concerned” for my kids when they were younger and cared for them as best I could in a laid back caring kind of style, but as they get older and have more freedom I feel this is what all my parenting has been building up to and I worry that I didn’t prepare them enough to cope with everything that life throws at them. Bringing up children is a doddle, it’s when they’re adults that is the real test.

I'm not sure things get easier. There's just other things to worry about when they get older but it seems there's a lot of us in the same situation.

Early this year DD was walking home from a party very late at night in a European country (past curfew) and I was tracking her on Find My Friends trying desperately not to panic. Meanwhile DH was fast asleep!

I feel better now she's back in the country, even if she is 200 miles away.