Do you ever stop worrying about them?

[Borisblackcat]

DC’s are early twenties and I don’t know why I worry so much about them. Any upset to them and I take it on myself tenfold and usually it’s something not really worth the anxiety when you look at everything else going on in life.
I thought things were meant to get easier as they got older but doesn’t seem to be the case with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I seem to be the only one like this.

Nope. 31 and 28 and I still worry. Mum said she never stopped and she lived to 97.

@WhatHaveIFound findfriends
I thought 21yo ds had a special friend as he was never in his flat. He was homeless and sofa surfing.
DD is currently having to leave her dream job and come home (Brexit )
I’m available to listen and do anything I can for them both but I don’t worry about them.

For me the worry never stops and I wish the days back when they were little all stucked up in bed safe and I knew where they were.
The nights out when they still lived at home...lying in bed listening for them to come in and the relief when I heard the door open and close.
In a way I found it easier when they went to uni as I had no idea when they were on a night out so would not be lying awake worrying until they got home. Of course I was still worrying though.
My eldest works abroad now and I worry about all sorts with him, made worse by covid of course and he is not the best at keeping in touch.
My youngest seems more settled in his life and work, but living in London bought a bike but failed to purchase a helmet, well you can all imagine the scenarios playing out in my head.
They are grown ups yes, but will always be my children no matter how old they get.

I am late to this thread but wanted to resurrect it to say thank you all for sharing, it's helped me realise I am not going crackers as I over think/over worry constantly!
Youngest (DD) nearly 20, 2nd year at uni and it's horrendous, worrying about this that the other and the kitchen sink.
As for the middle of the night list that one poster mentioned, I can definitely identify with that.

Of course. But I find it's the things I haven't worried about that are the most worrying.

My MIL used to say, little children - little problems, big children - big problems.

So true

I worry about my dd 24 killing herself with the amount of pure roll-ups she smokes. I worry about her making poor decisions which I know will impact on her future.

No, you never stop.

@HunkyPunk

It’s like a little piece of your heart wandering round the world at will. And you can’t do anything to stop it being damaged.

So beautifully put.
And no, you don’t. Ever.

I thought my worry was easing once they were more settled and living with partners or married but it's back now they are having babies and I now have even more people to worry about!

@YukoandHiro

My DDs are 13 months and 4 years. I think your post is from my future. I'm a naturally anxious over thinker, and I know I'm going to find it very hard to let go. They both also have lots of food allergies. They may grow out of some but my youngest already carries an epi pen for peanut. I can't imagine ever being calm about her just being out in the world... eek

I was a basket case for about 20 years- from babyhood until they left for university. I’m engaged and in constant touch with them now, at their instigation but I don’t worry. I don’t think it’s exhaustion, rather that I did my best when things were under my control and now I’m genuinely happy to see them flourish away from me.

Oh my gosh I am so glad I found this chat.. I joined Mumsnet just today because I didn't know who to talk to other than my partner. (I don't know all the acronyms... sorry about that!)

My son is 24. He is such a worry. I lose many night's sleep. He's in what I think is an abusive relationship (he's the victim of someone quite self centred and manipulative), he's terrible with money, his life h as been quite chaotic for a few years and he was abused when he was in his teens (i found out 18 months ago when he told me) so he has low self esteem and is quite needy (of his partner).

We have always been incredibly close so when he told me about the abuse 18 months ago I was completely bereft as I'd had absolutely no idea that he'd been carrying that secret around for about 8 or 9 years. I still feel I should have known and really angry and upset that I didn't protect him.

He reaches out and talks to me when he needs me but then goes completely silent and I'm left with all of the worry and upset. It's breaking my heart and I don't know how to maneuver the relationship or myself so that I can let go and not worry myself to sleep all of the time. Any tips for how to create some distance?

@belp

Oh my gosh I am so glad I found this chat.. I joined Mumsnet just today because I didn't know who to talk to other than my partner. (I don't know all the acronyms... sorry about that!)

My son is 24. He is such a worry. I lose many night's sleep. He's in what I think is an abusive relationship (he's the victim of someone quite self centred and manipulative), he's terrible with money, his life h as been quite chaotic for a few years and he was abused when he was in his teens (i found out 18 months ago when he told me) so he has low self esteem and is quite needy (of his partner).

We have always been incredibly close so when he told me about the abuse 18 months ago I was completely bereft as I'd had absolutely no idea that he'd been carrying that secret around for about 8 or 9 years. I still feel I should have known and really angry and upset that I didn't protect him.

He reaches out and talks to me when he needs me but then goes completely silent and I'm left with all of the worry and upset. It's breaking my heart and I don't know how to maneuver the relationship or myself so that I can let go and not worry myself to sleep all of the time. Any tips for how to create some distance?

We are in a similar situation and hopefully just coming out the other side. Our son has been emotionally abused and it's been absolutely heartbreaking. All you can do is be patient, and emphasise that you love them and will always be ready to help. One thing that helped us was persuading our son to have family counselling with us. An experienced counsellor will be able to see what is happening and an experienced voice from outside the family carries an 'authority' that parents don't always have. It's such a worry but don't give up

I'll try not to make this too long. DH and I have 2DDs and 1DS. DS is divorced with 2 DDs in their 20s, one of whom still lives with him in a rented house. His ex ran up huge debts which we settled. On the third occasion, he left and they divorced. He had custody of DDs. He's a lovely person, kind, generous and a great father. But, he's rubbish with money. He met someone after the divorce and moved in with his DDs. It was a disaster and left him on the verge of bankruptcy. Again, we paid up. It's been quiet for some time until last night when both DGDs FaceTimed us to tell us about his recent debts. The bailiffs called a couple of days ago to value the contents of his house and the effect on our youngest DGD was truly awful as she's been protected from most of the fallout of his past debt. He hadn't paid Council Tax, water bills, energy bills or broadband for some months. All the bills were in a drawer, mostly unopened. Youngest DGD was hysterical but oldest DGD, who is excellent with money, was telling us how she was going to sort it out. Both DGDs have good jobs but the scale of this debt has shocked them. We sent money to them to help pay bills.
We have thought long and hard about this and realise we should have let him go bankrupt a few years ago as we've been too generous and he relies on us, knowing we will bail him out. He's always grateful and contrite and full of good intentions for the future. I cannot believe he has brought this trouble on his wonderful daughters. He doesn't drink, gamble or take drugs and after checking, we know there aren't any CCJs in his name. He has a good, well paid secure job and I asked the DGDs where they thought the money went. They think he lives for the moment, has no concept of bill planning and just fritters it away, as well as burying his head in the sand. The youngest DGD is changing all the bills to her name and is now taking charge, with her sister's help. We feel numb and ask ourselves how this has happened. My DH insists we will refuse any further financial help and change our wills. Everything is left equally to our 3 DC but he thinks we should leave DS's share in trust with the interest going to him and the capital going eventually to the DGDs. He's in his 40s now and I despair of him changing. Has anyone else suffered with a feckless but loving son?

Yes then you worry about grandchildren if they have kids 🤔

I'm so glad I found this thread.
Its 1-30 in the morning and I'm worrying myself silly because my youngest has just been offered a five year apprenticeship as a quantity surveyor. I'm pleased for him as he's so happy, but so far I'm terrified he'll get hurt on a building site or that he will end up working abroad. Also because of covid he's been out of work since leaving school and I'm so used to having him around I'm really going to miss him. We're really close.
I gave myself a good talking too but it doesn't seem to help. I know I'm being selfish.

When I was a struggling new mum I remember asking one of my work colleagues, who had teens, when things would start getting easier. He replied "it doesn't get easier, the problems are just different". I've often remembered those words over the years, and now that mine are 30 and 26 I can continue to confirm that he was right!

Oh god this is me. I am only going to get worse. God help me when they're teens, screens 😱 driving, working, out in the big bad world arghhhh

My 18 & 20 yo DDs still live with me (single dad). We are comfortable and they are 99% adorable, but not a day goes by that I don’t fret about them.

Eldest has been through many of the things I had hoped she would never experience. Youngest is doing okay on the surface but it is tricky beneath. The world truly sucks for kids sometimes.

I am not overly anxious elsewhere but have accepted the daily dose of ‘wtf next’ adrenaline now entering its third decade as here for life. Parenthood is the ultimate double-edged sword ❤️‍🩹

I worry constantly. OH doesn’t . He just isn’t tuned into them the way I am which makes it much harder. If I had had any idea how much I would worry I wouldn’t have had children to be honest.
I resent OH for not being affected in the same way. It feels like such a burden.

Isn’t this the worst stage of parenting? At least when they are babies and they keep you up at night, you know where they are.

@amsadandconfused

I can honestly say that I definitely have lost more sleep and gained grey hairs the older my children have got. They are three lovely people all in their twenties but I stress about them driving,relationship disappointments,jobs ,be able to earn enough to be independent and so it goes on ! The problem is me because I am a worrier. Also we cannot fix their problems! I really do get it OP 💐

Same.

It was much easier when I could fix their upsets with a bag of sweets.

Now I can't solve their problems. I can listen but I can't sort heartbreak and stress and it's really hard.

my dh is unhappy that they have left home
ds is 26 and only recently left

we do worry about them but have far less, or no, control.

I’m on holiday abroad … DD is 20 and at home … I knew she was out clubbing and drinking last night so I messaged her saying I hoped she’d eaten as her drinking on an empty stomach has led to some very dodgy situations … she replied didn’t have time so had a bag of crisps, stop stressing mum. That was 9pm … no contact since🤷🏼‍♀️

Honestly .. the older mine get the more I worry.

A friend's youngest so is now 23, finished uni, got a job, living with his girlfriend. Also Type 1 diabetic.

He and hos dad have finally persudaed his mum to remove the diabetes monitoring APP she had on her phone which was synched to his, and which tracks his blood sugars in real time.

She genuinely saved his life while he was at uni, by spotting a problem while he was asleep and rousing the uni security to do a wrlfare check. Since then, she had been obsessive in checking every 30 mins or so, day and night, texting him if he was heading one way or the other.

It was doing her, and her marriage, no good at all. At some point her son pointed out that he had to take full responsibility for himself and she - in the nicest possible way - had to step back.

She will never stop worrying, but letting the kids know so overtly that she is worrying just wasn't right for them as adults.

I think it is some ways harder to have adult children becuause of the lack of control you have as a parent. I have had to watch on the sidelines and be there for support when necessary. When children are small the main concern it them growing up safe and happy

When mine were (huge!) babies MIL used to say ‘first they break your arms, then they break your heart’. I had no clue then what she meant but I do now.

When my late 20s DDs suffer setbacks I take it really badly, I try not to but I do. The thing is, if they know I’m worrying they clam up and don’t seek my support. So I have to appear blasé and not seek to help, only respond to specific requests for help. It’s really hard. And I don’t expect it’ll get easier - not according to my 88 year old DF anyway!

But…they’re bloody great so worry is a small price to pay for having these amazing women in my life 😊