Do you ever stop worrying about them?

[Borisblackcat]

DC’s are early twenties and I don’t know why I worry so much about them. Any upset to them and I take it on myself tenfold and usually it’s something not really worth the anxiety when you look at everything else going on in life.
I thought things were meant to get easier as they got older but doesn’t seem to be the case with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I seem to be the only one like this.

I feel this. We have two small kids and recently my parents gave us 6k to get out of a financial hole mainly caused by huge childcare costs and some issues with our car. I’m so so grateful and they were happy to help and I felt hugely better sharing our worried with them however I now worry I’ve unleashed weeks of worrying about us on my lovely mother. In fact now we have paid off the money owed on a cc it’s like a huge weight has lifted and we can get back to normal but she will worry.

I worry constantly about mine. OH is largely oblivious which makes it much harder. My parents never thought twice about me. I never told them anything either. Yea

Don’t know where the Yea came from!

No, never. (Hollow laugh)

@Ragwort I need a 'like' function for that. I'm sure I will never stop worrying although I usually manage to bite my tongue.

I knew I would have answered this.
Honestly it’s not inevitable. As I said upthread I was beside myself with anxiety for about 20 years. The upside is that they’re very functional adults- I didn’t just wrap them in cotton wool but felt the fear and they’ve turned into thoughtful adults who keep in touch. Find friends and last active is a game changer. Have been there calmly has equipped them to navigate drama. They all live away from home- one is here overnight, another the night before as she had a migraine, the third is doing finals and we message daily and talk a few times a week. Channel that anxiety to be a wise and calm presence and a)they’ll cope and b)stay in touch.

My worry about my younger son is severe enough that I feel full of dread when he rings, even though I love him so much. Almost everything he says sets off a spiral of worries. Will he wear his bike helmet? Is he sad that he isn't in a relationship? Is his job going ok? Etc.

And then I have meta-worry -- worry about my worries: Will I annoy him, frustrate him, upset him if I anxiously ask him about so-and-so? Does he feel less close to me becaause i am so foolish in this way?

I can't think of him without a spasm of worry, so in a horribly perverse way I'd often rather not think of him at all - hence the dread when he calls .

And this is all crazy because his life is going well, and he is the most wondersful, kind, solid young man with lots of kind solid friends. And he is kind and solid towards me, too.

All this is partly because my older son had such a terrible time. Severe mental illness, which eventually led to his death two years ago, aged 24. Everything is infused with horror now and I don't think that will change.

@Random789 I feel for you. My eldest is 25 and schizophrenic. Every time he texts I worry. He has cancelled every meet we have arranged since Christmas. Yesterday he told me he was leaving his long term girlfriend as he 'needs to get better alone'

He has been ill since he was 12 and spent a long period as a teen in hospital ( a medium secure unit)

The worry about him is immense. And he is one of three.

Big hugs to you xxx

Hugs to you, too, @Stomacharmeleon xxx.
I remember that worry. Long periods of radio silence when you have no idea how things are for him, how awful he is feeling, whether he is safe. Schizophrenia was one of the diagnoses my son had, though he was also diagnosed with autism and at one point with schizoaffective disorder, so I never feel confident about how to descibe his condition.
I hope that your son has some happy times and that you take good care of yourself xxx

My 3 are all grown up now but youngest still at home saving his deposit. I think you share their highs and lows with them. Dd passed accountancy exam today with really high mark I was thrilled for her. Three. Weeks ago eldest son broke up with gf and my heart sank and i worry if he will ever find a person who can truly love and hold the love of the complex person he is. I think you can worry but try not to tell them you are worried and don't appear clingy.

I can identify with the posts on here so much. You feel their pain when things go wrong, and are helpless because you can't make them feel better. I often post on threads where parents of two or more young children ask if they should have more.

I always reply to never underestimate the emotional and mental toll that having older children has on you.

I am so so glad it is not just me! Ds 21 does not understand at all why I still worry and I try so hard not to show it! Sometimes he tells me things and I think why did you tell me that, it is another thing for me to worry about! He is independent but I do find it hard. Thanks all for making me feel that it is normal.

I found that wassap when last active really helped me. Having said that she's now turned it off because she sees it as an infringement of her privacy. Daft as it sounds at least I knew she was still alive.
I remember naively thinking when she was born, 18 years of stress, I couldn't have been any wronger!

I just take on all their worries and hurt myself. Even if they aren’t so anxious . I do it for them.
Every hurt or disappointment becomes mine and I know this is totally unhealthy.
So quite often I fuss and drive them nuts with my stressing but I just want/need to protect them from all bad things although I know I can’t.
DH is totally different and seems like he’s not bothered and this causes friction sometimes because I put them first above everything. I still arrange my life around them and make sure I’m always available.
I do have a life and a good social life but I still sometimes just check if I’m needed before I plan things. All my doing.

I also think that there can be nobody in this world as ridiculous as me.

I worry about mine all the time. (All adults).
They don’t appreciate advice unless they ask for it and my worrying puts them off telling me things, so I try not to let it show.
My parents never knew anything about my life and never asked questions really. They gave me very little help or support. It’s a fine line between enabling them so they can’t do things for themselves, and supporting them.

OH just doesn’t worry or think about things in the same way. It all seems to fall to me. Which is hard.

I'm not enjoying this thread. You all sound very OTT. It's not healthy. All the angst can't be good. Have you considered trying to address the anxiety? Speak to your GP? Arrange some counselling?

Don't think so. I'm 41 and and my brother is 34 my mum still worries about us.

My oldest is 21 and I'm constantly worried about him. He lives with his girlfriend and her racist family.
I want him to leave there so bad but he doesn't see it even though he tells me the things that have been said by her parents.

The girlfriend won't even let him come and visit me on his own and when ever I call to talk to him she is there interrupting the conversation.
I worry day and night 😢

Oh my, I thought it was just me.
I don’t constantly worry about them or worry about every single thing but if something goes wrong or they are upset, ill, disappointed etc, then my anxiety kicks in big time and I feel all they are feeling and more. I can’t bare it if they are hurting.

Oblomov22 not a very supportive post.

No, I’m my case never.
I know it’s my problem though that I have to get a grip on.
I don’t worry excessively about every single thing they do. I have the odd fleeting wave of anxiety when they go out drinking/travelling etc but that passes. Its when they are upset, have setbacks that I have a problem. Life is like that!
As others have said, I take on the hurt for them and I can be even more upset than they are. It’s horrible and I don’t know how to deal with this. No amount of self care/concentrating on my own happiness has made any difference. I still torture myself.

I wonder how old your children are?

I think @Oblomov22 must have had an empathy bypass or has such remarkably resilient offspring with perfect lives who have never given her a moment's worry.

With my eldest (late 20s) I'm currently worried about:
Her job security (given the economy at the moment)
The fact she hasn't had her boiler serviced
Her general management of life (she seems to cope with a high powered job but her life admin skills are dodgy)

Youngest (early 20s) I worry about:
His energy bills going through the roof
His recreational drug use

Previously I've worried about their issues with housemates/landlords at uni, their mental health when they've been unhappy, their physical health when they've been drinking too often. The list goes on. As a mother I just think their worries become our worries, forever 😂

As a mother I just think their worries become our worries, forever

Yes

My child is 5 and I don't think I can take another 50 years of worry!

Nope. Never stop worrying about them. I thought once I'd grown them to adulthood it would be plain sailing - but how wrong I was!

DS (18) currently travelling in Europe. DD (22) living independently for the first time in a city 3 hours away from home. Never stop fretting about them.

Someone once told me years ago that you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child. So very true 😐