Do you ever stop worrying about them?

[Borisblackcat]

DC’s are early twenties and I don’t know why I worry so much about them. Any upset to them and I take it on myself tenfold and usually it’s something not really worth the anxiety when you look at everything else going on in life.
I thought things were meant to get easier as they got older but doesn’t seem to be the case with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I seem to be the only one like this.

My sons are 40 and 38, and I still worry about them. If they're sad, then so am I. When they're worried about things, then so am I. My husband doesn't seem to worry as I do.

I think what makes it so hard for me, is knowing some of the horrific situations I got myself into as a late teen/young adult. I have lots of guilt, regret and shame about that stage of my life and know things could have ended a lot differently for me. So I live in fear of them going through anything similar, making mistakes etc. I feel their feelings and struggle to disconnect already and they're only young.

I’m the same as you OP. I think it’s actually harder now my kids are adults as I can’t protect them anymore and also as adults their problems are bigger and I can empathise with these problems more, so much so in fact that their hurt becomes my hurt. There is actually a saying that goes ‘mums are only as happy as their unhappiest child’ (or something like that) and I think this is so true.

@PinkSyCo

I’m the same as you OP. I think it’s actually harder now my kids are adults as I can’t protect them anymore and also as adults their problems are bigger and I can empathise with these problems more, so much so in fact that their hurt becomes my hurt. There is actually a saying that goes ‘mums are only as happy as their unhappiest child’ (or something like that) and I think this is so true.

Yes, I agree.

Well I haven't.

First it was the worry about them driving/staying out late/ having their hearts broken/passing their exams....then it moves on to are they eating well at uni/managing their money/taking drugs....then the worry about their work stresses/if they'll get on the housing ladder/are they generally happy.

Funnily enough it's only me, DH never seems to worry about them!

The worrying will never stop. Feeling their pain and disappointment has stopped me in my tracks.

I just did not know this was a thing - when my adult son hurts it hurts me too.

She will never stop worrying, but letting the kids know so overtly that she is worrying just wasn't right for them as adults

This. I have older teen dc so i get the worry. However my mum has always made it clear how much she worries and its driven a wedge between us. I tell her nothing of my life as her mental health is now so fragile

On another note, it always makes me roll my eyes when people say they have a threenager. They have no idea!

It's worse now I think. I have to prompt myself of the boundary that they are adults and can make their own decisions.

DS1 is a royal marine and DS2 is at uni in London and whilst I am happy they are finding their own way through life, I find it hard to not know exactly what they are up to and if I don't hear from them for a day, I assume something must have happened 🥴

@PinkSyCo

I’m the same as you OP. I think it’s actually harder now my kids are adults as I can’t protect them anymore and also as adults their problems are bigger and I can empathise with these problems more, so much so in fact that their hurt becomes my hurt. There is actually a saying that goes ‘mums are only as happy as their unhappiest child’ (or something like that) and I think this is so true.

Agree with this too. Though consciously seeking to work on improving my own health and happiness, so I’m not quite so prey to feeling the setbacks they suffer, has helped a lot. I try to be more selfish basically, I’ll never succeed but it can help to take the sting out of the worry.

I agree that working on your own happiness and sense of well-being is essential to soften the blows that come from adult children. I remind myself of this every day but unfortunately it is still a work in progress.

@GADDay

The worrying will never stop. Feeling their pain and disappointment has stopped me in my tracks.

I just did not know this was a thing - when my adult son hurts it hurts me too.

Yes. This. Plus I can't make it all better with sweets :(

I appreciate it’s difficult, but I think you need to work on managing your anxiety or risk damaging your relationship with your children. I have a very timid, anxious mother, and one of my first childhood lessons was not to tell her anything, because it never improved whatever the situation was and just amplified it via her worry and obvious helplessness. As an adult, I’ve dealt with illness and surgeries and worrying pre-natal test results etc without telling her, though I would love some support — her being awake and praying at 3 am doesn’t help at all.

It's hard. The struggles they face as adults, you can't fix like you did when they were small. A cuddle doesn't make my all better anymore. Although my adult DC still turn to me for a cuddle when their lives aren't quite going how they hoped. You can also relate to their problems, so you know what they're going through and how hard it is. And most of the time you can't fix it.

The worries are worse when they're not under your roof anymore. You have to trust you raised them well, that they keep themselves safe because you can't do it anymore on a physical level. Just with gentle reminders, advice, and hope to hell they listen at least half the time!

My adult DC know I worry, but I don't make it their problem. I think if I did they'd tell me less about their lives, and I don't want that to happen.

No, not really.

I feel all of your pain.
I think it’s harder now they are adults. It’s difficult letting go and realising that they do make their own decisions and that we have no right to interfere. Of course we are just trying to protect and keep them safe and that feeling and need to do so will never leave me.
I have got both of mine at home. One came back due to disrupted plans because of covid and the other never left. I think for me it’s harder having them here because I see what’s going on all the time. When ds was at uni I didn’t worry half as much but he’s here and I’m aware. Dd is ambitious and thinks she’s invincible and thinks I see the worst in every situation. I don’t but I am realistic, look at the whole picture and she can see things through rose tinted glasses at times.

Any hurt to them or stress affecting them hits me hard. Dh doesn’t worry at all!
I know I need to work on myself and that its my problem but I am really struggling.

Just bumping this thread - my DH is exactly the same, he doesn't worry at all about our DC at all and I feel alone with all the worry. DD is nearly 20, suffers with depression and is autistic, she lays in bed for days just sleeping, clearly depressed. The pain i feel seeing her suffering is unbearable and i get upset and DH just looks at me like I have two heads.... He just doesn't get it

DD did go out yesterday, great I think.. however she text me to say she would be late home. It wasn't even that late, she came home at 9pm and she had text me to let me know. I don't why where she went and she is unlikely to tell me. Ffs, why am I worrying, she told me that she would be late and came home at the time she said she would...

So glad I found this. My DD is an only child of 27. I worry constantly about her safety she knows what I'm like and now it's driving a wedge, she's become that she's pulled away a bit as she realized how much I worry, she was even dreading telling me about a two week road trip (and yes I'll be beside myself the whole time thinking are they safe in the roads etc) but she's also said s going to work abroad, my issue is she'll never come back. My reasons are purely selfish because I love her so much and want her in my life, I couldn't bear the thought of her having gc and not being close. It gets harder!

No, you never stop worrying. My older two are away now at uni/living with the boyfriend. Even though I started 'letting go' when they were 15/16 it's still hard. It's still worrying. You just have to trust you did a good job raising them. and let them live their life.

No. My girls are 29 and 26 and I think about them all the time. I found the empty nest very hard to adapt to when the went to uni - I felt lost without the day to day job of being a "dad" - cooking, helping with homework, taking them to the various things they did outside school, playing sport and generally dodging time with them, etc - I sometimes feel haunted by the memories of having once had two young kids - I wonder where they went! Sad isn't it? We message and video chat a few times a week but I don't ever convey this sense of loss to them as I think I would feel I was letting them down by not seeming to be happily enjoying my own life - their lives, relatively speaking, are going OK but like everyone else - there are some worries and anxieties. Some are not easy to fix, some - I would desk with differently perhaps but I know they are adults now and I also know I'm not even right about everything either! I worry about their happiness. I didn't realise letting go would be so hard.

The love and protection instinct never changes IME. So it's a no from me. ❤️❤️

I think it’s worse in the 20’s as, when they’re younger teenagers and living at home, you have a certain amount of ‘control’ in their lives. But when they leave home you don’t know that they’re safe.
My DS had a relationship with a bunny boiler, we tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen, we had to sit back and watch her remove him from us and consume him into her family. Luckily he escaped eventually, but it’s hard having to sit back and watch it.

I need to do this.
‘I sometimes feel lonely when I think back to the times when they were little and needed me.

It never ends. Mine is in her 40s and there are grandchildren I also have to worry about. I suppose there will come a time when the tables turn and she has to worry about me.

^^ Captain my DM is 89 and still worries about her adult DC (we are all over 60 ) and DGC .... I've actually tried to be quite blunt and ask her to stop worrying about us and let us focus on her. She often tries to offer solutions and advice, which although kind and well meaning can seem a little over invested at our stage of life and I wish, in the nicest possible way, that she would back off a little and just enjoy being with us.

Anyway, I guess the answer is 'No, parents never stop worrying about their DC'.

Cant speak about working abroad a but they are incredibly safety conscious now on building sites. DH is a structural engineer and does site visits (must more similar role to your DS- looking around, measuring, tapping things rather than hands on work). They are v v v careful on site and the risk of small. Well done to your DS it’s a great job!