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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

21 year old son

119 replies

Nickij1973 · 30/04/2020 22:44

Hi, I've posted several times but I was posting in the teens section when this section is more appropriate. I've been a single mum for all my sons life really, his father is very difficult and they don't have a relationship and we have no other family so I feel very alone. I haven't enjoyed motherhood and it only gets worse. I wasn't strong enough when he was younger and he is now lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and manipulative. He wasted a year after school then scraped through a btec course, then did a foundation year at uni which he failed but his then girlfriend did the work for him so they let him onto year 1 of a degree. First year away he repeatedly blew his loan and I bailed him out, then came home and did nothing all summer, went back in September and blew 2 more loan instalments and doesn't do the work. Since Christmas I've been worried about his mental health, he kept coming home at weekend but was nasty and moody, met a girl but it's very up and down and he was calling me at all hours upset. He's been home with me since lockdown and its living hell. He hasn't done one bit of uni work, no matter how many times I ask he leaves the bathroom floor and towels completely saturated every day. I cook every night, he eats it then a few hours later orders a takeaway every single night at a cost if between £15-20 per takeaway, using his student loan! He has anger issues and seems to be constantly arguing and crying on the phone to his girlfriend. I came home from work today to find my bedroom mirror broken, he said he was just messing about but I know full well he will have done it in rage. His girlfriend has just messaged me to say she is worried he is going to hurt himself as they've argued so I went in his room and he just shouted at me. I consider this to be him manipulating and emotionally abusing her. All of this breaks my heart but makes me so resentful of him, I feel if he wasn't in my life I would feel free. I called samaritans earlier because I was so down about it. He wont get help for his mental health and there is nowhere else he can live. He makes me so unhappy. Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

ActuallyItsEugene · 30/04/2020 22:54

Time for him to stand on his own two feet OP.

Firstly, put a lock on your door. He shouldn't be in your bedroom, damaging your property.
In your locked bedroom keep all the towels. Give him 2 and keep the rest. If he doesn't want to pick up his towels then he can deal with them being damp and smelly.

Stop bailing him out. No more cash from you whatsoever. He will continue to blow his loan because he knows that you'll sub him. No more. He spends it all? Tough. Get a job.

Tell him that you're sick and tired of being disrespected all the time. It needs to change. If he can't get a grip of his anger, attitude and rudeness then he needs to leave. No ifs, no buts.

caramac04 · 30/04/2020 22:57

👆🏻 Actually has put it well

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/04/2020 23:01

Eugene is right.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 01:07

Thanks good advice but just had a terrible evening, I asked him to be quiet as I was going to sleep, hector me to f* off so I went in his room twice and he shoved me out both times I said I'd had enough and was calling the police to get him out if my house, he just carried on crying to his girlfriend. I followed through and called the police, they tried to talk to him calmly but he went completely berserk and now he's been arrested. I'm heartbroken to see him that way but isnt normal behaviour and I know he's going to blame me for calling the police in the first place and I feel awful now that oli overreacted but I feel like I cant cope with him. Do you think I was wrong?

OP posts:

Whyohwhymusti · 01/05/2020 01:12

I don’t think you were wrong at all. Now he knows when you say you’re going to do something, you will follow through with it. It’s hard but you’re going in the right direction to not only get him some help but also make him realise it’s time to grow up

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 01:17

Thanks, I just didn't expect him to kick off like that with the police, they had to kick his door down and took 2 of them to hold him down, and he was crying, my heart was breaking. There is something serious going on with him but I dont know what, I know he smokes cannabis sometimes but I don't think its excessive and he's only a social drinker

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RosesandIris · 01/05/2020 06:23

He sounds like he has serious mental health issues. I would ring your doctor and ask for advice. They may want him assessed by the Crisis team. You need help, and so does he.
Why is he not living with his girlfriend?

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 06:37

Thanks for replying. I made him a doctor's appointment a couple of months ago but he refused to go and I've sent him a link to refer himself for counselling but he hasn't done it. He usually lives an hour away in a shared house with other students but he's home cos of lockdown, he's only been with girlfriend about 4 months

OP posts:

caramac04 · 01/05/2020 07:22

This is such a difficult time for you but you absolutely did the right thing calling the police. You cannot be assaulted especially in your own home by your son. Hopefully his arrest will precipitate him getting and receiving the help he needs. I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 07:31

Thank you, I just feel awful because he only pushed me but I was at the end of my tether and now he's going to be charged with assaulting a police officer

OP posts:

madmumofteens · 01/05/2020 10:16

Oh OP you absolutely did the right thing I really hope your son realises that his behaviour is unacceptable 💐 for you stay strong xx

CallMeRachel · 01/05/2020 10:39

You have clearly done the right thing for yourself.

It will be extremely difficult to come back from this and have a relationship again though.

Your son is definitely flawed and is no doubt 'in the wrong', however in the midst of a MH crisis, he was in his safe space when you came barging in. He pushed you away. You perhaps could have left him be to calm down?

Involving the police was obviously a last resort but they're simply not set up to deal with offending because of MH, the law is very black and white.

Your son will potentially now have a criminal record and any contact he has with the police will have a marker against his name for police assault. Therefore no chances and likely to be no discretion will be used in dealing with him in the
future.

Yes it's his choices and negotiate has lead to these consequences but I think when we're dealing with vulnerable members of society then this has to be borne in mind.

The only possible positive to come out of this situation now is that the court requests an mental health assessment of your son and from that he can hopefully be directed to some help and support.

CallMeRachel · 01/05/2020 10:41

*Yes it's his choices and negotiate *behaviour

Typo*

FlibbertyGiblets · 01/05/2020 10:58

Sweetheart I know you feel bad. Don't. Your son chose to attack you and continued his aggressive behaviour with the police officers.

You are safe now, hold onto that thought.
Practical things to do:
If you have the energy bag up his belongings as best you can so that they are easily taken at a future point.

Hand squeeze from me.

serene12 · 01/05/2020 11:01

Well done, for calling the Police and showing tough love.You demonstrated to him that he has to suffer the consequences of his poor choices. I can identify with your story, I had to call the Police to my home, as I had the audacity to say ‘no’ to my son, he’d been asking me for money for cannabis. I think we underestimate how addictive and damaging to mental health cannabis is. Your home should be your sanctuary, not a place of fear.
I get support from www.familiesanonymous.org.uk, it supports family and friends if they have a loved one who they suspect or know has a drug problem.
My life is much better now, to practice self care and to detach with love.
By calling the Police, they can signpost him to help for his issues. But he has to choose to engage with services.
Good luck

RosesandIris · 01/05/2020 11:08

You did the right thing calling the Police. It is very hard if he will not get help for himself. He is an adult, and you can only do so much. I think you need to make it clear to him that he needs to start taking responsibility to go to the GP, and agree to the Crisis Team coming out (if they still are, under the circumstances). He also needs to self refer for counselling.

caramac04 · 01/05/2020 11:08

@CallMeRachel I think you have made valid points but if OP’s son can accept help then hopefully he can see why his mum was desperate enough to call police. With the right help there it’s likely that further police involvement won’t occur.
OP please continue to push for help for your son and I really hope he accepts it.

HopeClearwater · 01/05/2020 11:17

Unbelievable response CallMeRachel

He has repeatedly abused his mother and his mother’s ‘safe space’. He’s 21, not 12. He’s taken the piss for years and now his behaviour is actually having consequences for him and not others, he doesn’t like it. He needs to stop the illicit drugs as well - it’s clearly not doing him any good.

Blaming mothers again for the behaviour of selfish, self-indulgent men

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 11:54

Thanks for all the replies. I've just collected him from the police station, he's been lucky and got away with a caution but he hasn't spoken to me at all. He does need some mental health support and to stop smoking cannabis but I dont feel I can do anymore, I made a gp appointment and he wouldn't go, I've given him the link to self refer and I've told him about the dangers of cannabis until I'm blue in the face. Thanks for your support everyone, it's so hard without any family

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 01/05/2020 11:59

Where are you going to go from here?

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 11:59

Thank you.

OP posts:

Embracelife · 01/05/2020 11:59

You did the right thing.

Next time you can absolutely refuse to pick him up and bring him home.

Tell him that.
That you wont collect him next time.
That he will end up in a hostel.

But that if he goes to gp now and accesses grill you will consider supporting him

Ss adult services will have to get involved if he assessed as having mh issues.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 12:03

I really dont know, straight away he's back in his room crying on the phone and has already had a go at me cos I told him the bath he was running was about to overflow!

OP posts:

Embracelife · 01/05/2020 12:06

Call the gp yourself and talk it thru from your side.
Call youngminds or MIND for advice for you.

He is an adult and does need to access help himself.

Original poster

Nickij1973 · 01/05/2020 12:08

I will thanks.

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