21 year old son

[Nickij1973]

Hi, I've posted several times but I was posting in the teens section when this section is more appropriate. I've been a single mum for all my sons life really, his father is very difficult and they don't have a relationship and we have no other family so I feel very alone. I haven't enjoyed motherhood and it only gets worse. I wasn't strong enough when he was younger and he is now lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and manipulative. He wasted a year after school then scraped through a btec course, then did a foundation year at uni which he failed but his then girlfriend did the work for him so they let him onto year 1 of a degree. First year away he repeatedly blew his loan and I bailed him out, then came home and did nothing all summer, went back in September and blew 2 more loan instalments and doesn't do the work. Since Christmas I've been worried about his mental health, he kept coming home at weekend but was nasty and moody, met a girl but it's very up and down and he was calling me at all hours upset. He's been home with me since lockdown and its living hell. He hasn't done one bit of uni work, no matter how many times I ask he leaves the bathroom floor and towels completely saturated every day. I cook every night, he eats it then a few hours later orders a takeaway every single night at a cost if between £15-20 per takeaway, using his student loan! He has anger issues and seems to be constantly arguing and crying on the phone to his girlfriend. I came home from work today to find my bedroom mirror broken, he said he was just messing about but I know full well he will have done it in rage. His girlfriend has just messaged me to say she is worried he is going to hurt himself as they've argued so I went in his room and he just shouted at me. I consider this to be him manipulating and emotionally abusing her. All of this breaks my heart but makes me so resentful of him, I feel if he wasn't in my life I would feel free. I called samaritans earlier because I was so down about it. He wont get help for his mental health and there is nowhere else he can live. He makes me so unhappy. Sorry this is so long.

Greetings OP - have just come across this thread - really feel for you - I have been in the exact same situation but had 2 younger daughters so self referred to SS who told me to throw him out - he was 19 and it was horrendous because he didn’t go down the correct route of moving into a hostel but sofa surfed instead - fast forward 3 years and he has been sectioned (major very scary psychotic episode, I was with him throughout), talked his way out of a psychiatric unit when unwell (he is very intelligent) and started dabbling in explosives and weapons for which he has been remanded for 10 months - trial in 2 weeks - prosecution and defence all believe he is schizophrenic but he will not engage! He has never been physically abusive but has broken many things, dropped out of a uni music course because of paranoia (wasted talent!) and lost every job and opportunity he has ever had - he used weed and LSD from 15 yrs upwards, has a violent Father who I left when he was 7 - I could go on - I really really 100% understand all your dilemmas - if you have to show him the door, do your absolute utmost to make sure he engages with housing support and doesn’t drift - this was where my son came really unstuck but he would not listen and I now know it was because of his mental health.

Boys at this age can be volatile and arrogant but they love their Mums! Keep lines of communication open at all times - My son has had a real learning curve - about the worst you can get - since he left my daughters are much happier but also miss their big brother - the house is calmer but I am always thinking about him - I love him very much but until he agrees to seek help, we have our hands tied but at least we are all safe.

Good luck OP 🌸🌸🌸🌸 xxxx

@MadameTuffington that sounds dreadful and heartbreaking for you. There is only so much you can do though. He's literally come in and kicked off at me again! He's been out all day, he came in my room and laid next to me on the bed hunting that I cook him something. I asked if he wanted to talk if not could he go as I'm watching TV, he refused to go so I went to the kitchen, he came down started yelling and kicked the door!

@Nickij1973 My son would do the same - quite manipulative - lovely then angry and abusive - it also sounds like he may be in an unhealthy relationship (teary calls to girlfriend etc) - but believe me, I know how utterly stressful and exhausting it is living with inconsistent and unpredictable moods - I have definitely come to the conclusion that young men need good responsible Dads and it’s potentially dangerous when they’re lacking!! I was a very soft Mum - great at nesting and nurturing but shite at being an effective authority figure - I work bloody hard and have a good moral compass and I’ve found my girls are ok but my son really needed to be pulled back from the brink of classic male risk taking behaviour by a sensible bloke, instead he had a Dad who encouraged an interest in knives, catapults, crossbows etc but was unable and unwilling to talk to him about his emotions - they get to an age where they seem menacing and a bit scary - I tried everything I could - I really feel for you - the problem is when you are emotionally and physically at the end of your tether with it, you want them gone but when they’re gone, you have a kind of peace but you worry because you love them in spite of their crappy behaviour and flaws xx

@MadameTuffington you've just described exactly how I feel and I totally agree about boys needing their father and I think that's why there are so many young men like our sons these days and my heart breaks, he's like a lost boy but so aggressive and unreasonable. His dad is the same, shown him weapons etc but never hugged or said he loves him.

I could have posted your post years ago
My son caused so many of the same problems for years
It is now solved as at 29 he was admitted to a drug and drink programme and realized the harm he was causing
We thought we could handle it but you really neef outside help

@Nickij1973 Please message me if you want - I am off to bed now (tedious, I know but cycled miles in sun today so knackered 😂) - I feel I could be of help - a friendly ear - because I’ve been there and I don’t want to see your son in the same level of trouble as mine - it has been horrendous - I reported the crime as I found an explosive device and cache of dangerous (homemade) weapons in my shed - my first thought was that he could have hurt himself or others - I was held by CID for 12 hours and my house turned upside down so terrorism could be ruled out (my son is half Middle Eastern) - eventually, having looked at EVERYTHING, they completely ruled out terrorism and could see he was very unwell because of social media posts and writing he had done - I know have to give evidence in court - the mainstay of which was my huge concerns about his mental health when he was let out of a section after 5 days because the psychiatric hospital said he was, ‘ok’ - try to stay calm and look after yourself - you can tell him my story if you want - my son’s issues have been MASSIVELY exacerbated by weed especially - the stuff they smoke today is turbo charged with THC and we are sitting on a mental health timebomb IMHO - he does not want to end up effing up his whole life xx

Op I would be taking him for a drugs tests sounds a lot like my Bil who is now 40 and still living at home.

Find the numbers for the local council homelessness unit and send him there. Call the police if he refuses to leave.

Is he still planning on leaving late September? If so you need to absolutely not let him stay over again.

You deserve to live free of fear and abuse.

@MadameTuffington thank you. I had gone to bed anyway lol. I don't think I'll approach him about anything today as tomorrow is the cut off date for him to get all the assignments in that he should have done during term time so I'm giving him a wide berth today!

How are things progressing Nickij1973? Three months on? X

Thank you for asking. Things were the same up to the end of September when he went back to uni. He constantly asks for money but I'm trying to say no but it's hard. He came home yesterday and was going to stay for a couple of weeks but we had 2 arguments where he was quite aggressive and verbally abusive so I said 3 strikes and you're out and he said he was going anyway. He did apologise for the way he spoke to me but seems we cant even live together for 24 hours which makes me very sad.

OP this situation sounds so tough. You sound so torn between wanting to help your son get better and protecting yourself (rightly) against abuse. Do you mind if I could offer a few thoughts?

When you live with someone as tumultuous and emotionally destructive as your son is, you can feel like the sand beneath your feet is constantly shifting. One minute he's storming into your room pleading with you to cook for him, the next he's refusing your food and blowing money he doesn't have on takeaway.
If you are willing for him to continue living with you, I would suggest sitting down alone and having a think about what boundaries you want to put in place. Your son will no doubt ride roughshod over them, but the primary purpose of documenting them isn't to help him behave better (though that would be nice!) but to act as a kind of roadmap for you to know your own limitations. So, for example, you might say to yourself (and him) that you're willing to pay house bills and normal meals as a way to help him save money, but that his housing costs at uni need to come from paid work or student finance, and that that's something that you can't help with. This will hopefully help you be able to take a step back from his financial irresponsibility, without feeling the need to continually question what he spends his money on (which in turn probably leads to angry blow-outs between you?). And when he does ask for more money, which he undoubtedly will, you can comfort yourself that you have been very clear on what you are and aren't able to do, and your son has to be responsible for his choices in response to that.

It isn't a silver bullet by any stretch, and it doesn't make it any easier, but creating strong boundaries will hopefully help you feel like you're not being pulled in whichever direction he pleases. And you should put as many of these boundaries in place as you feel is necessary for you to function well, including detailing how you will respond to any further aggression or violence.

@sausagerole thanks for your response its really helpful. He's back at his uni accommodation now, it's only a 45 minute drive away. I feel so guilty that I'm so happy he's gone! I love him and worry for him but I'm so much happier when he's 40 miles away!

I've said I'll send £50 a month for good and I pay his phone contract but that's it. He constantly lies about what he needs money for. I dont earn loads and I'm trying to save to move house as my place is really damp. Just makes me sad that this is my relationship with my only child

Not sure how to ask for more advice about the same thing but hopefully someone will read this.

My son said last week that he had got some night shifts somewhere he has worked before in our home town so asked me to pick him up again last Saturday, I agreed and did a big shop in preparation. I picked him up then he started crying on the journey back and said he didn't want to come home and he is getting bouts of depression again and recognise that his anger is a problem. We had a long chat and I said I would buy him 2 weeks worth of food and take him back to his student accommodation. He said he would speak to the doctor so I made him an appointment for Monday but he was asleep and missed the call! Then yesterday he said he has changed his mind and asked to come home again! I've told him to think about it as I'm tired of going backwards and forwards. I'm worried about him but I know I need to be stronger in saying no especially about money. Altogether I've spent £200 on him since beginning of the month including food shops and cash and I cant keep it up. He just seems liar as though he knows staying at uni is unaffordable but he cant face coming back home permanently and getting a job. Would love to know how other mothers have or would handle this bearing in mind I am single, have no other family and his father isn't involved

I wouldn't be having him come home. I really don't think it will help anything. I think it will actually make things worse.

I said I wouldn't pick him up until weekend as work is busy during the week. He messaged today and asked me to transfer £25 and he could transfer it back in a couple of hours as he had sold a coat, I said no so he called me some names. I said I thought it best he didn't come back so he said ok send me £10 then, I said no as I bought him £40 of food last weekend, he then said he will just come home tomorrow then. I've said I wont let him in and will call the police if I have to. I cant take any more, mentally or financially. I cant get through to him that at his age of 22 it is not my responsibility to fund him.

You've made the right decision. He is being abusive and you simply can't tolerate or ignore it. It's time for him to grow up.

He said what sort of spineless rat calls the police on their own son and said he's still coming back.

My hearts breaking for you op. Not helpful but having been through a horrendous time with my ds, I am not sure I would have found the strength without my dh (his stepdad) that you have found so far.

He’s using you as his financial and emotional crutch and although I myself wasn’t able to, you do need to be cruel to be kind. He knows you love him and however far he goes, you have to ensure he knows it’s his behaviour you despise, not him.

@Ibizafun thank you. This carried on all morning, he said he was 5 miles away at his friend's and when I said I still couldn't have him in the house he sa8im to blame for the way he feels and I'm like a cancer. He said he was going to kill himself and it will be my fault. In the end I transferred £15 to his friend for petrol to take him back to his student accommodation. I did say he could come here in the end but by that point he didn't want to. I don't feel I handled it well and think I've driven him away when he needs me. I feel terrible

Do you think you are helping him, OP?
I mean, is he better off because of all the stuff you do for him?

It’s impossibly hard. Unless he wants to help himself nothing will change. All you can do is tell him when that happens, you will be there to support him in any way you can. Meanwhile you did the right thing with the police as he needs to know you will not tolerate abuse.

Hrtft but just wanted to say I walked away from my abusive ds when my mh became worse than his...
I feel this apples to you at this time op.
Take some time for yourself.
And don't spend that time feeling guilty.
I stopped feeling guilty just last Christmas when my ds was nearly 28. Way overdue.

OP, I don't know what to say, can't offer any advice either. I have a 22yo DS, and he has been a pain (also a LP) so I do feel fo you. I also don't have family support, though I do have an older DD.

Hopefully it'll pass as he matures, but you have to get through this first.

I really do feel for you

@Nickij1973 hope everything is ok as you haven't posted in a while xxxx