21 year old son

[Nickij1973]

Hi, I've posted several times but I was posting in the teens section when this section is more appropriate. I've been a single mum for all my sons life really, his father is very difficult and they don't have a relationship and we have no other family so I feel very alone. I haven't enjoyed motherhood and it only gets worse. I wasn't strong enough when he was younger and he is now lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and manipulative. He wasted a year after school then scraped through a btec course, then did a foundation year at uni which he failed but his then girlfriend did the work for him so they let him onto year 1 of a degree. First year away he repeatedly blew his loan and I bailed him out, then came home and did nothing all summer, went back in September and blew 2 more loan instalments and doesn't do the work. Since Christmas I've been worried about his mental health, he kept coming home at weekend but was nasty and moody, met a girl but it's very up and down and he was calling me at all hours upset. He's been home with me since lockdown and its living hell. He hasn't done one bit of uni work, no matter how many times I ask he leaves the bathroom floor and towels completely saturated every day. I cook every night, he eats it then a few hours later orders a takeaway every single night at a cost if between £15-20 per takeaway, using his student loan! He has anger issues and seems to be constantly arguing and crying on the phone to his girlfriend. I came home from work today to find my bedroom mirror broken, he said he was just messing about but I know full well he will have done it in rage. His girlfriend has just messaged me to say she is worried he is going to hurt himself as they've argued so I went in his room and he just shouted at me. I consider this to be him manipulating and emotionally abusing her. All of this breaks my heart but makes me so resentful of him, I feel if he wasn't in my life I would feel free. I called samaritans earlier because I was so down about it. He wont get help for his mental health and there is nowhere else he can live. He makes me so unhappy. Sorry this is so long.

@Something20 thank you for asking it's really kind of you.

I haven't seen my son for a couple of months he's 40 miles away in student accommodation, I'm going to pick him up for xmas next week. I worry for him and love him dearly but I livexa lovely quiet life when he's not here! He was upset s fee weeks ago and said all his issues are my fault and I'm toxic and like a cancer. This hurts so much and I lie awake going over all my mistakes but I realise he needs to take responsibility, he treats me terribly and I have to wonder if I deserve it but hopefully we can get along ok for xmas. Thanks again for asking.

@Nickij1973 hope Christmas went ok with your son and you got on ok. Just remember he's an adult now and he's responsible for all his own actions and he needs to realise the sacrifices and the time and effort that you've put in to raising him which is bloody hard work. I understand he has mental health issues but he is still young and hopefully a lot of this he will grow out of and he will gain a better sense of understanding for everything you have done and still do for him now. Hope you're well x

@Something20 thank you. Christmas wasn't great, his temper is still way out of control and I've given in a few times over money. I took him back to his uni accommodation today. He is so unbelievably selfish. On xmas day he asked if I would think about buying him an £800 iMac! I said no and he didn't make a deal of it but now he's asking me to look in his things for some info about a student credit card so now I'm worried sick. He just doesn't get it about money. Thank you again for asking and I hope you had a lovely Christmas

How are feeling now Nicki? Have you been able to maybe get some counselling for yourself? X

@Strawberry33 thank you for asking. No I'm not having any counselling. I'm constantly worried about his mental health and his finances but for now he's back at his student accommodation so at least its peaceful!

Update and as always thoughts appreciated!
My son went back to uni halls at new year and we weren't in touch much, about once a week then about 3 weeks ago he called and said he has back in a relationship with the same girl from last year and it is still toxic and volatile and they had an argument and she stabbed him in the leg. She was arrested and has said it was self defence so the police are investigating so he is upset and worried about that. As usual he has spent too much money and now doesn't have any and I think he's decided to quit uni which I agree with as this is his 3rd year of being there but he is still only on year 1 if the degree! He isn't working but has been doing something called Binance to do with sticks and shares and making a bit of money that way. I've spent £400 over the last 2 months helping him with food, clothes and his phone. The other night he asked for £30 for the binance and said I would get it back a few hours later, I've done this before and sometimes he pays me back and sometimes he doesn't so I said no. I then got about 30 messages swearing and calling me horrible names to the point that I blocked him. Next day I unblocked him and he said I had completely screwed him over by being stubborn and awkward and now he has nothing. I've explained he needs to take responsibility bit he isn't listening. Today he asked me to pick him up and bring him home as he has no food, I said no I was busy but I transferred £15 to him for food and said I will collect him next weekend. He said because of me he will have to sell his new laptop to survive. I'm so anxious about him coming back as he is blaming me 100% for his financial and mental health problems but I dont know where else to tell him to go.

Sorry to keep posting. My previous message explains where I'm at right now. I've been researching and my son ticks all the boxes of someone with borderline personality disorder. He isn't really speaking to me at the moment but he has previously refused to speak to the GP. He blames me for his mental health problems and says I'm crazy and he grew up treading on eggshells. The guilt is overwhelming me. I was a single parent with very little support and I was moody, probably depressed and I had no patience with him as a baby because he hardly slept and I just bitterly regretted ever getting pregnant and felt and still feel that my relationship with his father and having a child has ruined my life. I know that growing up he probably picked up on this although I was always very affectionate and told him I loved him all the time because I do. I spent l8ts of time playing with him and doing things together but I didn't enjoy motherhood due to my situation at that time. The more I read about bpd the guiltier I feel. About 6 months ago I wrote him a letter acknowledging that I wasn't always the mother he deserved and I was sorry but he was and always will be the most important person in my life. I don't know what else to do, I feel so ashamed of myself and think I've ruined his life

I can't pretend to know anything about your situation as my kids are all much younger.

I would say though that you need to stop blaming yourself. You didn't ruin his life, no matter what he says.

He is an adult and is making decisions about his life. He is capable of making better choices and at some point we all have to decide we're going to move on from a trauma, a difficult childhood, or whatever. It's not your responsibility to fix everything every time. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
The fact that when he asks for money and you say no, he becomes highly abusive isn't acceptable. It's not because you're a bad parent, it's because he's an abusive, selfish man who doesn't like the answer he's been given. I know he's your son but you wouldn't allow someone else to treat you like this would you? (I hope not.)

You need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and stand firm on the rest. He is an adult and whether or not have MH issues, money issues, drug issues, he won't improve until he accepts things need to change.

I'm so sorry. It must be such an awful situation for you. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.

You sound like you have gone your very best.
My son had serious mental health issues in 6th form. It was horrendous but we couldn't ask.him to leave as he was so young. luckily Dh and I had each other as back up and support.

He eventually got through it but it was horrendous for 3 or 4 years. He is now 24 with a stable job and a good group of friends, and 95% of the time is great to be with. However he occasionally still flies into horrendous rages with us although I'm fairly certain he doesn't do it with anyone else. The other day he borrowed my car for a few days and used half a tank of petrol. I asked for the money and he started screaming abuse at me. He did calm down and apologise but it was a reminder of those awful teenage years.
I think you have to stand firm but it is so hard and my heart goes out to you.

@Littlebluebird123 thank you for the response. It makes sense, I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment but you are absolutely right.

@EmmaGrundyForPM thank you. I still have hope for him!

Hey @Nickij1973 , so sorry you are still having to deal with this.

I see that you are still being manipulated into giving him money. (Which I completely understand, you don't want him to starve!) but how about arranging delivery of food to him rather than transferring money? That way you know he is actually getting food, not spending the money on drugs or whatever.

What would you say if this was your brother, or nephew? Unfortunately we don't always get the relatives we want - if he won't help himself then all you can do is protect yourself, however hard that might be.

It's like any parenting - you have to be consistent, so stick to your guns. Keep reiterating that when he seeks help you will support him, but until then he can't live with you, and you won't give him money.

Keep us posted - we are here for you

I am sure you were a lovely and devoted mum. You are good at explaining things on here and I am sure you talked to him kindly and showed him all sorts of wonderful things when he was little and pre-teen, before things became difficult. He probably has an underlying respect for you, and love for you, and the future will most likely be brighter for the pair of you, with you detaching in a loving way and your son maturing.

It’s just wading through these hard times.. As a mum of teens and young adults, I feel for you so much.

@modernfemininity thank you so much for your lovely response, it gives me hope!

Hi Nickij 1973
Hope you don’t mind me asking after such a long time, but how are you and your son?
I have read your posts, and I am going through similar with my 21 year old son, and it’s a very lonely place to be.

@Tiaandchewy79 I'm so sorry I've not logged on since before your message 2 5 years ago! I hope your situation is resolved. Mine unfortunately hasn't and my son is now 25. Hope u managed to be 💪

oh my goodness, this has just popped up on "threads I'm on". I'd forgotten all about it.

I'm so sorry that your situation hasn't improved. I've read my post about DS being OK 95% of the time. three years on he is amazing, no friction at all and we have an amazing relationship. He texts us most days with funny messages. He won an award recently for "Employee of the year"

I really hope your son turns himself around. However, at 25 he has to take responsibility for himself and you have to put yourself first.

@EmmaGrundyForPM I'm pleased things worked out for you, your son sounds amazing.
To cut a long story short I've told my son I'm changing the locks when he's away this weekend, he's pleading and begging and apologising now and asking me to give him a month bu I know that if I do he'll spend the month behaving like the best son in the world and so the cycle will continue. But I'm wracked with guilt and worry now about where he'll go. He has had a full time job for a year and I don't want him to lose it igmf he's homeless

@Nickij1973 that sounds so hard. If he's held down a job for a year then clearly he can follow rules/behave appropriately. It is so frustrating (and heartbreaking) when they behave at work, with friends etc and then are horrendous at home.

Has he talked about moving out? Our son moved into a shared house with a friend and that made him really appreciate us. I understand why you want to change the locks and throw him out, but a planned move would be much better. However, you have to do whatever is best for you. Good luck