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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

21 year old son

119 replies

Nickij1973 · 30/04/2020 22:44

Hi, I've posted several times but I was posting in the teens section when this section is more appropriate. I've been a single mum for all my sons life really, his father is very difficult and they don't have a relationship and we have no other family so I feel very alone. I haven't enjoyed motherhood and it only gets worse. I wasn't strong enough when he was younger and he is now lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and manipulative. He wasted a year after school then scraped through a btec course, then did a foundation year at uni which he failed but his then girlfriend did the work for him so they let him onto year 1 of a degree. First year away he repeatedly blew his loan and I bailed him out, then came home and did nothing all summer, went back in September and blew 2 more loan instalments and doesn't do the work. Since Christmas I've been worried about his mental health, he kept coming home at weekend but was nasty and moody, met a girl but it's very up and down and he was calling me at all hours upset. He's been home with me since lockdown and its living hell. He hasn't done one bit of uni work, no matter how many times I ask he leaves the bathroom floor and towels completely saturated every day. I cook every night, he eats it then a few hours later orders a takeaway every single night at a cost if between £15-20 per takeaway, using his student loan! He has anger issues and seems to be constantly arguing and crying on the phone to his girlfriend. I came home from work today to find my bedroom mirror broken, he said he was just messing about but I know full well he will have done it in rage. His girlfriend has just messaged me to say she is worried he is going to hurt himself as they've argued so I went in his room and he just shouted at me. I consider this to be him manipulating and emotionally abusing her. All of this breaks my heart but makes me so resentful of him, I feel if he wasn't in my life I would feel free. I called samaritans earlier because I was so down about it. He wont get help for his mental health and there is nowhere else he can live. He makes me so unhappy. Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
Jkslays · 13/06/2020 19:57

Niki this can’t go on. He is at the moment an adult male that is making your like and home hell.

At some point you have to start protecting yourself and accepting he has to start taking responsibility for his actions. He is in a massive self destructive spiral and he is going to pull you under with him.

My mother was like this and I had to walk away from her. She made several suicide attempts and was sectioned a few times. I went NC and still am so I know how mental health and manipulation can be.

Also when my dd 1 was 18 (24 now) we clashed at home ( no where near on your level) and I’m the end I told her to get out. She went in to a flat share and got her shit together. We have a very close relationship now.

I didn’t know if we would ever speak again when I told her to move out but the situation was bad to the point I didn’t want to go in certain rooms if she was in there, she was really rude to me and said despicable things so it was time she flew the nest.

There is only so much you can do. And this your relationship is beyond toxic and so unhealthy.

I think he is also probably taking drugs and that’s where his money is going. But you’ve got to stop bailing him out.

He is most likely going to crash and burn and then maybe he will get the help he needs but you can’t ‘save’ him from what’s going on right now. It’s not your fault if he is destroying himself.

MH is bad but that doesn’t give the person any right to destroy you Flowers

Jkslays · 13/06/2020 19:59

@Murrfect

That sounds like hell Nicki though if he can’t go back to uni does that mean he will be living with you?

In that case I would absolutely pay for the deposit but insist that he gets a job to pay through September-January - would that be possible?

I wouldn’t trust he was spending it on a despot tbh.
Noworrieshere · 13/06/2020 20:18

Offer to send the money direct to his landlord. Don't give it to him. If he disagrees then don't give him the money.

Studycast · 13/06/2020 20:50

Op I am so sorry you are going through this. A family member of mine works in this area and she recommends this website:

here which explains the effects of cannabis addiction and if you scroll down it contains some excellent mh links.

Look after yourself Flowers

Noshowlomo · 13/06/2020 20:52

God I’m so sorry. What a shit situation to be in. It does sound like he needs a lot of growing up to do and you’re right in refusing him money, as he will never learn and he will carry on with the takeaways and who knows what else. 21 isn’t a child, but it is an awkward age. You think you’re grown up at 21 but I certainly wasn’t! You DO need to feel safe in your own home and you’re not his emotional punchbag and your home isn’t his actual punch bag!!

Original poster
Nickij1973 · 13/06/2020 22:29

@Studycast thank you

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 14/07/2020 19:14

Gosh op what an awful situation I’ve come on here to look for advice about dd 18 but my situation is nowhere near as bad

How are things now ?

Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 20:12

Hi. As always I appreciate any thoughts on my situation. I wont start at the beginning but my son has stopped drinking binges and threatening suicide but is smoking cannabis again. He is due to go back to uni in 7 weeks but has absolutely no money. He did a few shifts in a warehouse but it didn't last. His verbal abuse is really wearing me down now. It's too hard to describe. He says he has more than 100 recordings of me shouting at him over the last year and keeps threatening to upload them to Facebook and contact my friends and tell them everything I say is a lie. Last week he wanted £3 for batteries, I refused as I'm paying for all the food and bills and he just expects it. Because I said no he refused to leave my room and said he would only leave if I called police and had him forced out! In the end I went out for a drive after he had reduced me to tears then said I'm a victim player. This was a long verbal attack and he said I'm pathetic. My life is a failure and i can't manage money.
Every day he mocks and belittles me and calls me names. I want him to leave but I know he would only sit in the backyard all night and knock on the door. I can't see it lasting when he goes back to uni so I feel theres no end to it and I'm so unhappy. I keep wishing I was dead but can't do that to him as he has no one else

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 20:21

@madcatladyforever please can I ask how you went about throwing him out and where did he go?

OP posts:
mosquitofeast · 08/08/2020 20:26

@Nickij1973

Thanks, I just didn't expect him to kick off like that with the police, they had to kick his door down and took 2 of them to hold him down, and he was crying, my heart was breaking. There is something serious going on with him but I dont know what, I know he smokes cannabis sometimes but I don't think its excessive and he's only a social drinker
It will be the cannabis, most likely, it does this to young people
mosquitofeast · 08/08/2020 20:28

sorry, I've read further and see you are aware that this is likely the result of cannabis

mosquitofeast · 08/08/2020 20:39

Have you tried woman's aid? This is horrendous.

Cummingsandgoings · 08/08/2020 20:40

I don't know what to say, only that I really feel for you. Flowers You are still doing the best you can for your son by your concern and support whilst trying to set boundaries. I am sure in a while things will be much better. Have you any real life friends to get out and have a break or a walk/coffee with? It can be hard to keep your own balance and sense of self with all this going on - and it's vital to get you through. Same for him really - would he run or get out for walks - something to break the cycle and the tension in the house? But ultimately you have to feel safe in your home and that it will not be wrecked or damaged. Does his rental contract on his uni property start again soon - most house contracts for 2nd or 3rd years start in July or August these days and lots are already back living together - can he go there?

Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 20:45

I usually get out for a walk with friends most weekends and I have some lovely supportive work colleagues. The building he was moving into have delayed moving in until late September due to lockdown restrictions in Manchester. He isn't smashing things up anymore it's more the verbal attacks now.

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Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 20:46

I don't feel that it's gone as far to call it domestic abuse although I wouldn't be with a partner that spoke to me this way.

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Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/08/2020 20:46

Your OP has made me feel really sad. I think occasional cannibis use can have serious effects on mental health. I think that he is getting away with far too much. Why did you pick him up from the police station. Let him walk home or get a bus. Good lesson. He should be paying you board at his age or he can get a flat. Maybe have a conversation and lay down some ground rules. If he can't stick to those consider changing the locks and throwing him out. Good Luck.

Finfintytint · 08/08/2020 20:48

This is about the Cannabis use. So many MNetters think it’s harmless but I see this scenario played out so many times. You have to get shot of him. He’s an adult who has made his own decisions.
It’s tough but he’s had so many opportunities to redeem himself and move on. He’s chosen not to.
Force him out. Change locks. Don’t give any financial aid. He’s a serial abuser.

Lockdownseperation · 08/08/2020 20:55

This is domestic abuse.

mosquitofeast · 08/08/2020 20:57

@Nickij1973

I don't feel that it's gone as far to call it domestic abuse although I wouldn't be with a partner that spoke to me this way.
This is domestic abuse
katie2812 · 08/08/2020 21:21

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would say one of two things can happen from here 1) you get him sectioned. You can call 111 and ask for advice and they can send an ambulance out too. You can also contact his GP on his behalf and say he needs to be sectioned and his GP will act from there. My sister was recently sectioned and it was best thing for her and start of page one a fresh start. Alternatively, you need to kick him out. It. Is abuse. My nephew (albeit he was 14 and being groomed from 12 which we didn't know about) was very abusive to my mom after being kicked out by my sister and she couldn't do it anymore and phones social services. It was the best thing for her. The council won't class him as homeless if you just threaten it. You should print off the numbers for him to call when he is out, pack up his stuff and lock the door. When he returns, post the number through the door

My mom recently told me the best advice ever when she said how upset she became when my sister tried killing herself. She said she has to accept that if someone is going to commit suicide there's nothing in anyone's power to stop them and you have to accept that you tried your best (which OP you clearly have). You can't live the guilt when you have tried your hardest.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 08/08/2020 21:23

I’m so sorry you are going through this. He sounds like he has a lot of anger issues and is blaming all his problems on you. It also sounds like your son is sucking any enjoyment out of your life too.

I would think about trying to get yourself in a position where you are happy with yourself and your life. To help him you need to start by helping yourself. That starts by cutting him out of your life. He needs to see that his behaviours have consequences. Show him that he can’t talk or treat you like rubbish.

There’s no guarantee that he will be able to turn himself around. But if he can learn to respect you, he might be able to treat other people who come into his life with more respect, which will bode well for his future.

Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 21:28

I just don't know how to go about throwing him out. Like I say I know he has nowhere to go and would just stay outside until I let him back in

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickij1973 · 08/08/2020 21:30

@katie2812 I think you might be reading one if my posts from a couple of months ago, there wouldn't be any grounds to section him atm, he has stopped threatening suicide it's just the verbal abuse I'm struggling with but thank you for responding

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justasmalltownmum · 08/08/2020 22:00

His behaviour sounds like someone I know, who was doing "balloons" /whip its. (This little silver canisters of NO).

You could just say to him he has to leave and call the police to remove him for breaching the peace.

Mitsouko67 · 08/08/2020 22:08

You did the right thing. Good advice to contact your G.P.

A very difficult situation..

Look after yourself.