21 year old son

[Nickij1973]

Hi, I've posted several times but I was posting in the teens section when this section is more appropriate. I've been a single mum for all my sons life really, his father is very difficult and they don't have a relationship and we have no other family so I feel very alone. I haven't enjoyed motherhood and it only gets worse. I wasn't strong enough when he was younger and he is now lazy, irresponsible, disrespectful and manipulative. He wasted a year after school then scraped through a btec course, then did a foundation year at uni which he failed but his then girlfriend did the work for him so they let him onto year 1 of a degree. First year away he repeatedly blew his loan and I bailed him out, then came home and did nothing all summer, went back in September and blew 2 more loan instalments and doesn't do the work. Since Christmas I've been worried about his mental health, he kept coming home at weekend but was nasty and moody, met a girl but it's very up and down and he was calling me at all hours upset. He's been home with me since lockdown and its living hell. He hasn't done one bit of uni work, no matter how many times I ask he leaves the bathroom floor and towels completely saturated every day. I cook every night, he eats it then a few hours later orders a takeaway every single night at a cost if between £15-20 per takeaway, using his student loan! He has anger issues and seems to be constantly arguing and crying on the phone to his girlfriend. I came home from work today to find my bedroom mirror broken, he said he was just messing about but I know full well he will have done it in rage. His girlfriend has just messaged me to say she is worried he is going to hurt himself as they've argued so I went in his room and he just shouted at me. I consider this to be him manipulating and emotionally abusing her. All of this breaks my heart but makes me so resentful of him, I feel if he wasn't in my life I would feel free. I called samaritans earlier because I was so down about it. He wont get help for his mental health and there is nowhere else he can live. He makes me so unhappy. Sorry this is so long.

More tough love is required I think. I’d spell it out to him, you’re not a doormat next time you won’t collect him. He’s pushing you too far, also ask him if he loves you, ask him what he wants from life. Tell him he will lose his right to live with you if he ever touches you violently again. Remind him you looked after him all his life, changed his bum, cleaned up his sick! Tell him to grow up, and don’t cook for him anymore. When he’s ready and willing you’ll show him how to cook ect. Or if he changes his behaviour you will cook some meals. He should be cooking basics for himself. He basically needs to grow up!

@HopeClearwater

Blaming mothers again for the behaviour of selfish, self-indulgent men

What are you on about?? Please re-read my post! I have not blamed the mother.

Personally I don't think going into his bedroom twice, whilst he's mid-conversation with his girlfriend was a sensible thing to do and in my mind threw petrol on the fire if you like.
Her home may be her safe space but his bedroom is his.

It's tough living with abusive son, however I have huge compassion for mental health.

I'm glad to see your son has been released with a caution, hopefully he will now know you mean business.

If it gets severe again, the council homeless teams are still working for emergencies.

An update although I'm sure everyone is GED up of this saga, I know I am! He hasn't spoken to me really but when I was going food shopping Saturday I asked if he would eat a Sunday dinner, he says yes so I bought a joint of beef and cooked us a roast dinner yesterday, I shouted upstairs to tell him it was ready, 10 minutes later I shouted again and he snapped and said he was finishing his xbox game, 15 minutes later I could hear him on the phone to his girlfriend. Later I went in his room and said I'm not cooking again, he said fine and asked me to leave. I said I was worried and his recent behaviour isnt normal and he said most of his problems are my fault! I got angry and started crying but he doesn't care. Then said he was ordering a takeaway and would eat the roast dinner later! He went out at 10pm and came back at 1.15am, then I was kept awake by his TV, I went in he was asleep so I switched it off which woke him, he then had a phone conversation and I had to ask him to be quiet. I haven't slept at all and I'm in work today. I'm definitely not cooking again as this isn't the first time he's left a plate of food and ordered a takeaway. My cooking isn't that bed! I'm in such a state of anxiety, he has put a deposit down to share a flat with girlfriend from September but I'm so worried it wint work out and I'll just get endless late night phone calls. I'm also worried that he's up to something dodgy , just a feeling. I know he's 21 but I find it so hard to detach.

I think that 21 and the years either side are very hard for a lot of men. There is such little mental health support for them too.
Are you in a position to get a private referral? I understand you might not be but it was just a thought.

I helped a relative in a similar position and it quite literally saved his life.
It’s tough for you to go through this and I would try being as pushy as you can bear to get some help.
This obviously is beyond something that can be resolved with firmer boundaries and needs a double sided attack.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the reply. I cant afford private therapy for him and not sure what I can do as he won't see a GP or self refer for NHS counselling and I cant do it for him.

As the product of a single parent, I know how tough your situation is and my heart goes out to you.

It sounds like he has not learned / was not taught self regulation, and it sounds like this has impacted his anxiety, anger, motivation etc. In other words, he has a fragile sense of self and low confidence which manifests as poor mental health - but it does sound like it is mostly emotional abuse of you and his gf. Is he not used to consequences? It looks like he has never had to face up to anything - even his girlfriend bailed him out academically! What part time jobs has he had, and what chores did he used to do in the house before he went to uni? If things have only changed suddenly/seriously in the last couple of years, then that might suggest a mental health crisis. He still needs tough love to compel him to engage with help, because he cannot continue abusing his gf or you emotionally. If he has always been like this, then it might be his personality and you don’t have to like him - you can love him from a distance.

I agree with everyone else: you need to strip everything back. Give him 2 towels. Lock on your door. Don’t give him any money. Ever.

What do you think he is up to? Dealing? If so, this is the behaviour of someone who doesn’t think consequences apply to him.

What have you taught him about budgeting, bills and financial management? Does he understand the implications of blowing his student loan, or does he understand but blows it anyway knowing that he’ll be bailed? (Ie he has the skills and the understanding, but doesn’t bother because it’s fine as mum will bail him out) or does he need to sit down with a money management app and learn the basics?

Pick a calm time and discuss some basic, joint rules about how he wants to be treated at home and how you want to be treated. The key areas only: food, noise, cleanliness. Assert what you will accept but also make some reasonable allowances towards him. If he won’t, or he’s too unreasonable, then get through lockdown and kick him out. He’s not allowed to take advantage and people with mental health issues don’t get a free pass to abuse others. Unpleasant people can still have mental health problems, but it doesn’t mean you accept the unpleasantness. Likewise, those who are pleasant people can have poor mental health that sometimes (or even often) leads to poor behaviour, but they will show their nice sides too. For example, somebody with very high anxiety might be explosive due to their mental illness, but in between the explosive behaviour, they will show their underlying, real character and will be the warm, decent person that they are.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. However, he needs to grow up and learn to manage his mental health without taking it out on those who love him. I think you need more help than we can give, but at least you have some kind of sounding board here. It is so hard being on your own, and my heart goes out to you.

@nagsnovalballs thank you so much for the reply. I really appreciate you sending me such a lengthy response when I'm a stranger and what you say makes a lot of sense.

He is definitely fragile and seems to have no resilience whatsoever. He's had a couple of part time jobs and was working in a nightclub before lockdown but he hadn't been in for a couple of weeks because he punched a wall in anger and broke a bone in his hand.

I accept that growing up I was too lenient with him and since the age of 16 he's bled me dry financially and I should have said no a lot more than I did. I didn't teach him budgeting but have tried to since he started uni but he makes the same mistake every term, he spends way too much on clothes and takeaways and then the money runs out. He is sensible enough to pay his rent 3 months in advance which is good.

I dont know if you've read the whole thread but since I called the police on Thursday and he spent the night in a cell I can just feel his hatred for me and I do regret it a little although I think it would have happened anyway at some point.

I honestly think that it was the right move to call the police. He may hate you for it but that’s because it was a consequence and it was one he couldn’t bully you out of. Ultimately, your job is to make him a safe and productive member of society. It may, for a while, come at the cost of your relationship, but it is more important right now that he learns he cannot bully you or his girlfriend.
My mum and I had some spectacular blow outs between 16 and 24. I give her credit though: she never wavered. She decided what she would and would not accept and never ever budged. Sometimes I hated her for it. But I am so glad she did! My half siblings through my dad, who gave no boundaries and was just a crappy parent all round, are involved in crime; I am a professional with my own house and lovely partner. I have the same inclinations as my siblings (laziness, selfishness, liking the easy life), but my mum taught me self discipline and protected me from the poor parenting of my father. I am a very hard worker - although I have to drive myself to do so, as it does not come naturally, and for a long time I regretted the morality that prevented me from sharing the rich and moneyed lifestyle of my siblings, which was so enviable when I was a struggling grad student in my 20s. But I’m in a better place than them now, as they live in fear and spend the money as fast as it comes and have nothing to show for it!

You will need to ride out this toughness. The signs are there that he can make good choices, like paying rent in advance, but he is currently indulging in temporary pleasures because he cannot see a way forward, or see how there might be positive consequences for decisions made now that will set him up in the future. I think you need to sit down with him and work out what he wants from life and then work out how he is going to get it. Maybe uni isn’t for him - maybe he would be better as an apprentice?

Your advice is so good and really appreciated. I've always had doubts about uni but he's determined to continue, say6that he must be behind as he hasn't logged on or done any work since he came home mid March so maybe he'll be thrown out anyway. At the moment I cant talk to him as he's still blaming me for the other night and just snaps or tells me to get out of his room. I dont know what more I can do to help him get some mental health support as I cant force him to an appointment but I feel if he doesn't do something about it over summer then returning to uni and living with his girlfriend will be a disaster.

I dont know why I'm posting again, maybe it will help to write it down but I just feel in despair and trapped and so sleep deprived and alone. My son said he split with girlfriend early last week but they had been arguing late at night. I saw scratches on his arm and found a blade in the bathroom but he wouldn't admit to anything, he'd also taken some jewellery from my bedroom and given it to her, really cheap stuff but not the point. Friday he seemed in a better place but I went for a walk m, came back and he'd kicked the bathroom door in and was crying because she told him she has been speaking with another guy. He went out and was gone for a few hours, his friend messaged me and said she was worried about his safety, I looked for him and he eventually came back. We bad long chat and he admitted to the self harm and he had called samaritans a few days before and talked it over with a Male friend which I thought was positive. Today he was in a bad place and said he cant get deposit back on flat he was going to share with her and all his friends have arranged their accommodation for the next uni year. He said he doesn't want to live with strangers but doesnt want to quit uni and live at home and work so he felt hopeless. I've been worried all day and I'm so tired. I fell asleep at 11ish and woke at 12 and he's been talking on the phone to her ever since, I'm so worried they'll get back together and ut will happen again. He also only has £300 at the most of the loan that was meant to last until September! I may call doctor to get myself something to help me sleep. I cant talk to anyone, my friends are fed up of hearing about it. I messaged who I think of as a good friend this morning and gave her a summary, she read the message but hasn't replied, that's how much my friends care.

I hope you're ok OP and you've managed to get something from the GP to help you sleep! No one tells you how difficult this stage of parenthood is so bloody difficult just look after you!! I have no real words of wisdom that hasn't been said already just from one mother to another 💐 keep going xx

Thank you. I haven't spoken to GP but work have been very understanding and I've been working from home and taking a couple of days off as I'm scared of leaving him alone. Thanks for your support

Wow you poor thing OP, this situation is horrendous.

It cannot carry on this way as you will end up ill yourself.

I've direct experience of dealing with a daughter who was self harming, although considerably younger than your DS and able to access help through CAMHS. First and foremost I was told to stop enabling her and giving her own way all the time, that was hard and I actually found myself feeling quite frightened of her at times - not physically, but frightened that she might leave and go to her father again, which was the direct cause of the self harming in the first place.

My honest and best advice to you would be to go tough love, as others have suggested. No finances bailed out, stop cooking, lock your bedroom, stop doing his washing/towels etc and let him/make him stand on his own two feet.

If he has £300 left to last him til September, he won't be getting takeaway every night UNLESS you buy it for him. Don't buy it. He needs to learn to survive on his own.

He's damned lucky you allowed him home after being arrested. He is an adult, and the longer you let him get away with acting like a spoiled teenager, the worse his adulthood will be.

Tough love OP, you can do this x

Thanks, since Friday I've been worried he was suicidal so I have been less tough but not in terms of money. He needs some therapy or something to help him deal with his emotions better but I cant force it on him and I have to go back into work next week x

@Nickij1973 I’m late to this thread but I just wanted to say that I have had to call the police out because of my son’s behaviour before and you absolutely did the right thing. There are a couple of points that I don’t think have been made. First, when it happened to me, the police talked to me about the incident and went through a domestic violence checklist. They then told me that any future calls from me would be tagged so that if I called again I would be treated as a priority and someone would come out immediately. This was massively reassuring and made me feel I had done the right thing calling them. I wonder if you could get in contact with the police again and ask to be tagged (I can’t remember the term for it) in the same way.

Secondly, my son has Asperger’s and was going through mental health issues at the time, so I felt hugely guilty. It was agonising. But the policewoman who came round said, ‘No matter what problems he has, you have a right to feel safe in your own home.’ I’ve always remembered that when he’s kicked off again (which he sometimes does) and it has given me the strength to set boundaries. You absolutely do deserve to feel safe and you must put your safety first. Your son sounds as if he needs help but only he can make the decision to accept it and until he does, you must prioritise your own needs.

I really recommend that you seek support from a domestic violence charity - either local or national. DV by a son against a parent (usually the mother) is a growing problem and they should be able to advise and support you. It’s important to recognise that you are in an abusive situation.

This can change - things changed massively for the better with my son, although we’re going through a rough patch right now. So hold on in there, put yourself first, and don’t try to solve it for him. Only he can do that.

Its hard, like we often blame 'mental health' when in reality, it's a case of people having a hard time due to circumstances created entirely by themselves. Mental health excuses are definitely overused these days.

I can only advise to keep up with the tough love. Being too soft has gotten you to this point. It hasn't worked so you need to try a new tack. He'll be like this when he's 50 if something doesn't change.

It must be very difficult for you. Best of luck.

@notwavingbutdrowning5
Thank you for your reply. The police and a couple of friends have said I should feel safe in my own home. There have been a couple more dramas since my last post but he still wont get help

@mlou32

I agree, I feel some of his mental health issues are just immaturity

If itd ok I'd like to give an update and ask for opinions. Te past month has been hell. My son started drinking heavily, his girlfriend ended the relationship due to his issues and he harassed her to the point she blocked him from contacting her. He kept disappearing and threatening suicide so I called the police on I think 3 occasions to look for him and called an ambulance once as he had taken paracetamol. He kicked my bathroom door off and smashed my bedroom mirror, he was getting taxis to his girlfriend's which was £90 return! 2 weeks ago he did this and threatened to kill himself in the park near her house, the police found him and he was in hospital overnight and finally referred to the crisis team. I dont know if he's engaging with them as he wont discuss it. I wasnt well because of the stress and fortunately I have a supportive manager and colleagues at work. He went back to his student accommodation 9 days ago and I've left him alone and enjoyed the peace. He called last night and asked for £160 deposit for a flat from September, he has spent all his money on taxis, takeaways and alcohol and has nothing left at all. The flat he wants is near his friends but is far more than he can afford. After he has paid rent he will have £400 to last from September to January. He said he will work but I know he just wouldn't manage and would be asking me for money. Taking everything into account I've said no to paying the deposit but I feel terrible as it probably means he can't go back to uni and will blame me. I only have my wage and need a new bathroom door and am saving up to move house due to damp in my house.

That sounds like hell Nicki though if he can’t go back to uni does that mean he will be living with you?

In that case I would absolutely pay for the deposit but insist that he gets a job to pay through September-January - would that be possible?

@murrfect thanks for replying. It is possible but I know he would continue to ask for money and although I'd love him to move out I think it's time he suffered the consequences of his financial mistakes instead of me

Oh that sounds so tough. For your mental health as well as his can you afford to give him the deposit? Maybe even his rent? If I could I would maybe pay that and not a penny more, and arrange to pay it direct to his landlord. Continuing to live together does not sound bearable for you at all.

It's such a tricky age, you're an adult but only just. Especially if you haven't really found your thing or your people, it's so tough. But he absolutely shouldn't take it out on you. That is not okay at all.

I agree with Eugene, it's time for some really tough love. My son was a bloody nightmare at that age and just pissed his life and money away, spent all of his student loan and my money on drugs and treated me like shit.
I chucked him out and that gave him the wake up call he needed. Finally in his 30's he is behaving like a responsible adult.
They can only be allowed to blame divorce etc for so long before enough is enough.

@murrfect thanks for replying. It is possible but I know he would continue to ask for money and although I'd love him to move out I think it's time he suffered the consequences of his financial mistakes instead of me.

Yes I did this too and he soon learned he could not just spend all the money he had it worked. My son had MH issues as well but that is no excuse.

I had hospital admission, suicide threats, crisis team too. I had to say no more as I couldn't cope any more. I refused any further help and that's when he began to wake up finally. That was the turning point. Good luck.