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Parenting

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Original poster

Why is it shocking to want 3 children???

108 replies

Toothache · 01/08/2005 12:49

...or more for that matter?

3 of my best friends don't have children (although want them..... partners not ready yet!). I have 2 and recently they have all asked me seperately if I would have anymore. I have said of course! They are SOOOOOOOOOO shocked by this and say things like "OMG are you mad??" or "You are a baby making machine aren't you?".... or "When are you going to stop??"

It actually upsets me. Even my friends that have children (1 or 2) seem really shocked by my wanting a 3rd....and perhaps a 4th child!

It makes me feel like I'm going OTT or that I'm doing something wrong!

I'm 27 FFS, I cannot possibly know how I will feel down the line. At the moment I want a 3rd. That might be it, that might be me settled, but then again it might not! Why do people make you feel like a freak if you want to have more than 2 children? Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm one of 4 and DH is one of 3. It isn't that unusual is it????????

OP posts:

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spidermama · 01/08/2005 14:03

Yes toothache I noticed with my first two family and friends were very supportive. Number three led to a bit of eyebrow raising. When I was pregnant with number four there was a definite air of 'stand away from the loony'.

Now I have four I never dare ask for help because they actually say things like, 'Well, if you will have FOUR children ....' As if I'm totally mad.

I actually get less help than ever because of this attitude. It annoys me as far as grandparents are concerned, as I am continuing their bloodline after all. I would've thought they'd be pleased.

Having said thay, I think people just can't imagine how they themselves would cope. I remember being shocked at a friend who announced she was having her sixth child (I had one at the time) and just feeling as if she were an alien inhabiting a different world.

Original poster

Toothache · 01/08/2005 14:05

SM - ROFL!

OP posts:

kcemum · 01/08/2005 14:06

I have 3 children, all girls and the number of times I have been asked " did you really want 3 children or were you trying for a boy?"

Have found now that more companies are now catering for the larger family as apposed to the standard 2.4 children, if only the hotel and holiday industry would follow!

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spidermama · 01/08/2005 14:07

I should say I love having four because I enjoy going around with a gang. If I'd have started younger I'd love to have two more.

dinosaur · 01/08/2005 14:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

rickman · 01/08/2005 14:09

Message withdrawn

YeahBut · 01/08/2005 14:13

I'm currently pg with #3 and people have asked me if it was an accident (no it wasn't) and if it's because we want a boy (would be more than happy if it turns out to be dd3).

expatinscotland · 01/08/2005 14:14

I agree w/bossykate and aloha that 3 is becoming the new trend.

It's a good thing I never paid attention to fashion .

clary · 01/08/2005 14:27

toothache, yes, (in fact see thread from years ago!) when I was pg with no 3 people said either you?re brave or you?re mad.
It?s the height of rudeness imho. I never ask anyone if they are having any more or any at all. We should all be allowed to have no children, one child, 2, 3 or as many as we want!
I always back up any pal who is happy with 1 - but yes, for some reason people in general seem to think you must have 2, no more no less, and if you have a boy and a girl, well then you must be really crazy to continue, as you have found out! grrrrr
(can you tell this makes me angry!!!)
(I would (whisper it) love 4 really but am not goin g to for various reasons - but not because of what other people think!)

spidermama · 01/08/2005 14:32

I think people are just expressing how THEY would feel if THEY were about to have three. It's not rude or judgmental really, just a natural reaction.

I found it quite hurtful though when my parents were so shocked at my 4th pregnancy announcement. They didn't mean to hurt me, but as they already find my household unbearably chaotic and noisy, the thought of another arrival horrified them.

I guess it makes sense.

handlemecarefully · 01/08/2005 14:34

I did recently tell a few peeps that I was planning on ttc for number 3 around Christmas time. I did get what could be construed to be quite a rude comment from a friend along the lines of "You're absolutely mad" (said emphatically). As it happens I have pretty clear views on her decision to stop at one, but I'm too polite to voice them.

Original poster

Toothache · 01/08/2005 14:42

And I seem to be the ONLY non-pregnant ladeeee that walks around my local Tesco on a Sunday morning!!!!

OP posts:

suedonim · 01/08/2005 15:46

I can't recall getting any negative comments when I had No3&4, we were deluged with gifts etc and everyone seemed very happy for us.

Re family size, I think larger families are becoming more common (maybe because people are relatively better off nowadays?). When I was a child most families we knew consisted of two children. I was one of four and that was A Big Deal back then (though not as big as one school friend who had 13 siblings!). I recently read an article that claimed that today, people with more than 2 children were either feckless or trendy middle class. Not sure which pigeonhole I fall into!

Mytwopenceworth · 01/08/2005 15:52

rule of thumb - the number of children should not be greater than the number of parents available to control the little buggers

you can tell i have an attack of the summer hol vapours, cant you?!

niceglasses · 01/08/2005 16:55

I'm seriously worried about my mums reaction if I do have a 4th - she just shook her head when said pg with 3rd. To be fair, I think she worries about the work it makes for me, but she could have said Congrats.

Trendy middle class or feckless? Bit of both probably..........

pabla · 01/08/2005 17:16

In my dd's class of thirty, there are more families of three or more than there are of two and most of the ones with two have stopped at that because of parents age or circumstances. I have noticed a lot more families with three outside school as well. We live in a fairly prosperous area so maybe it is a "trendy middle class" thing. For me, I always felt I wanted three. Dh initially wanted two but was persuaded to try for a third - I think he hoped there would be lots of "practising" involved but I got pregnant straight away! I must say I do hate the presumption that if you have one of each you should stop or that if you have two of the same sex you are only having a third to try for one of the opposite sex.

spursmum · 01/08/2005 17:41

Just thought I'd stick my oar in here.3's run in my family, I'm one of 3, so's my mother, grandmother, stepdad etc. If anyone wants to have more kids it's up to them!!. The only problem I have is with the bloke who lives in the upstairs flat from me who has 10!! and doesn't raise them saying "I don't do kids, I'll make them but I won't raise them, I like my own space! Arrogant, ignorant piece of s**t

Tortington · 01/08/2005 17:55

i originally said
"imo, it is seen as very working class to have 3 or more. "

i meant IME - its seen by the middle class - and therefore i was infering looked down upon.

rickman - i wasn't criticising - being a mum of 3 and having claimed benefits myself.

phew.

anorak · 01/08/2005 18:01

Rickman, my childminder is a divorced mum of 4. She lives in her own lovely 5 bedroomed home, works for a living and is lovely. In my opinion she would be a wonderful catch for a nice man who wouldn't mind a ready-made family. Like you xxx

jellyhead · 01/08/2005 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadmum · 01/08/2005 18:17

I know exactly what you mean! I am expecting #4 (third attempt at #4 actually) and I have yet to drum up enough courage to tell my family... Sad really as I would love to have them be a bigger part of my life but they are SO judgemental and convinced that 2 is sufficient particuarly if you already have both genders represented...

Have as many children as you and your immediate family can love, I say!

nutcracker · 01/08/2005 18:19

Other peoples opinions is a big factor in me not having a fourth.

They just wouldn't be pleased and I hate people not being happy for me about things I am happy about, if that makes sense.

bosscat · 01/08/2005 18:21

I've heard lots of people be rude to my friend who only has one and only wants one. They seem to think they can tell her how miserable and lonely her child will be and/or how selfish she is being as if they are an authority on the subject. I'm an only child myself and get p'd off at this particular assumption. I had a brilliant childhood and only missed having a sibling when I reached 30 and got married. I thought it would have been nice to have a sister to share it all with.

sweetkitty · 01/08/2005 18:28

I'm pregnant with number 2 and it hopefully won't be my last pregnancy! We have always wanted 3 children.

My mother is the worst she has announced to everyone she meets "she wants 3" like "she eats small children" I think you are only "allowed" to have 3 if you have the utter misfortune of having 2 the same sex, then if you have the utter utter misfortune to have 3 the same sex then that's it you're stuck with them (or you could eat them!). It really annoys me it does people commenting on your choice of how many children to have.

tallulah · 01/08/2005 18:32

My parents were horrified when we announced the 3rd, even tho we had told them over & over that we were not going to have just 2. We had to tell them the 4th was an accident (he wasn't) to keep them off our backs. I wouldn't mind their objections if we had expected them to look after them regularly, or pay for their upkeep, but they are our children and we look after them and support them ourselves.

Our sin also was to have girl then boy, so "no need" for anymore.

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