Siblings without Rivalry. Have just bought, read and

[120]

Was hoping to share my experiences on here with others who are suffering/have bought the book and are finding it useful!

Oh maybe one technique at a time is better 120, I can't actually remember enough about it.

Right, how many people have it? Shall we start tomorrow (obviously 120 you're a bit ahead but I don' tthink that really matters does it, everyone at their own pace just we discuss a particular thing at a time?).

I don't have my copy here with me to check what the first thing is but we'll say that tomorrow and go from there maybe?

sounds good.

NC, sounds like you have volunteered to do the first chapter

is there room for one more?
have got dd 8, ds 2.8 and baby ds 8 mths.
have both books, read the first one and sort of skimmed through the sibling one.

find it really hard to juggle all three and end up putting a lot onto dd, as she is the only one capable of anything approaching civilization. the boys generally soggy and sweet, but very basic instinct. very. all three have extremely different needs, finding it hard to keep it all ticking over.

really agree with 120 about everybody taking their emotional temperature from mum, and do feel i could try harder in that department. if anyone has any stress-busting tips i would be grateful. end up behaving like a shouty bag, which is not good.

could help with bullet points if needed?

welcome BS! sounds good. I think we are all hoping this will make life a bit easier.

Right. Off for my stress-reducing run.

I get shouty too Looking forward to this thread as it progresses very much.

Ooh interesting idea Lenin.

Yes the relentlessness of it can be exhausting. Esp if you don't have family/close friends at hand to help out ever.

Who was the numpty who suggested we start this on a Bank Holiday Monday?

Oh yes, it was me

I will read first chapter/technique tonight and return tomorrow evening to Discuss. Oh yes. With a capital D.

[swot]

good stuff!

swotted up last night

raring to go

Okay, I am putting the dc to bed so will be back later.

I read chapters 1 and 2. Will do a little summary, attempt at bullet point and discuss.

120 is right, there are several techniques right from the off, so we might decide to go one technique at a time.

Right, chapter 1 "Brothers and sisters - past and present"

This is basically lots of stories about various ways in which siblings don't get on, how much parents can get it wrong and how the effects last until adulthood and even into the next generation

Sorry, that's not a super positive summary but that's basically what it is. The only activity in this chapter is to observe and note what causes discord between the siblings. I think that's a bit of a waste of time

So, chapter 2 "Not till the bad feelings come out"

(Using the summary from p.30)
Let dc express negative feelings about their sibling(s) by

• using words to identify the feeling
• with wishes/fantasy
• with symbolic or creative activity

Stop "hurtful behaviour" (is "hurtful" a word?) by giving dc acceptable ways to discharge angry feelings

• tell them to use words

By the way, this is the bit that 120 summarised in her post above, with examples, which are really helpful.

I think it's tempting to read on but actually what I would ideally like to do for myself is try to actively use just these ideas with the dc over the next couple of days if I can remember. To attempt to put it into practice.

So, allowing negative feelings to be acknowledged by either describing with words, using the wishes/fantasy thing (I've tried that once and DD1 looked at me askance ) or offering an alternative creative/symbolic outlet (the drawing/writing wouldn't really work for me I don't think, but I could try the symbolic "punching a cushion" type of thing maybe)

Any other thoughts?

Aha, I see you are paying attention LeninGrad

The book suggests that if you get "I hate him", you could acknowledge with:

"I hear how angry you are at DS2"
"Something he did really annoyed you"

Magic thread properties - I hope that will rub off on my two (who haven't been too much trouble in the sibling rivalry sense the last couple of days because they're too busy conniving to stay awake all hours of the night like a kind of tag team)

Wow, this sounds so useful! I look after two children, one just turned 5 and one is almost 8 - I started out as a sort of au pair for the family but now I'm there whenever I'm not at uni, which is more often than not. But I'm not there all the time, and they're not my children. Do you think it's worth buying the book and trying to implement some of the suggestions regardless? They are always, always fighting with one another!

Also, may I ask a silly question - what's "wishes as fanstasy"?

The "wishes" thing is also in How To Talk too. The example I always remember is if your dc is getting really upset/on the verge of a tantrum because they want Rice Krispies but you only have Shreddies (to take a common situation in our house), then instead of saying

"You can't have Rice Krispies because we haven't got any"

you say something like

"I wish I had a giant box of Rice Krispies and we could pour them all into a giant bowl and you could eat them with a giant spoon" or

"Wouldn't it be great if there was a Rice Krispie tap in the kitchen and you could just switch it on and it would pour as many Rice Krispies as you wanted"

The idea is to be very over-the-top with it. As I say, I only tried it once and it didn't work (can't remember what it was, we were in the car htat's all I can remember)

Am going to bed now.

I don't want to hear that anyone's homework was eaten by the cat, I expect some good solid acknowledging-of-feelings examples from you all

bloody rl getting in the way.

was getting misty eyed at dd's school african evening, while trying to contain dses. ds2 was pacified by eating dd's shoe. i handled the stares of disapproval.

agree with wishes as fantasy, definitely works with dd. baby crying back later

I've been working so far this week so very little time with DC's, who like Lenin's, have started to behave since I started this thread.

I do the fantasy thing quite a bit (but DD didn't like it when I suggested she use the doll to show me what she wanted to do to DS). Haven't tried the art thing, so maybe I'll give that a go in the next couple of days.

I've read everything as my 2 LO's are so young some of the stuff they wouldn't get yet. But acknowledging is working well.