Siblings without Rivalry. Have just bought, read and

[120]

Was hoping to share my experiences on here with others who are suffering/have bought the book and are finding it useful!

Bookmarking

SO delighted to have found this thread!!!!!!!!!! I've been driven mad by fighting between my 1yo and almost 3yo in the last few weeks, it's monotonous and dull repeating the same useless sanctions which are just ignored. I knew there had to be a better way of approaching the problem.

Another one with squabbling siblings! dd1 is 6, dd2 is 4 (nearly 5), ds is 2.6.

dd1 wants to be me, and tries to tell the other two off and rationally argue her case. dd2 has a temper, and hates being "bossed", ds is just, well, wild! They spend ages creating a shop, he comes along and trashes it. He wants something they are playing with and whinges until they give him it OR just grabs it, cue uproar and outrage. Sigh.

I really don't want to be getting involved all the time. I have told the girls that I appreciate what a little torag ds can be, and they are getting better at dealing with him (eg by distracting him with another toy) It helps that they both adore him, and tend to baby him (although I'm not sure that is very good for him!) The fights between the girls drive me mad, though! they are very loud and vocal and generally about something inane. I am an only child who always wanted brothers or sisters, so I find it hard to understand, although DH says it is normal!

I'm watching this thread for tips. ashamed to admit that I have not always dealt with their catfights graciously- once I said "Right! It has become apparent that you two cannot live together, so which one of you will we rehome?" having said that, they seemed to be aghast at the idea of not being together and I'm sure they knew I was only joking ...

these books saved my sanity

I keep them by my bed as it is so easy to forget. Every so often things get really bad and I remember to go and read the book again.

I think I should write out the bullet points and stick them on the wall in the kitchen.

Hey Joolyjoolyjoo, you're not alone, I suggested to my dd that she might prefer to live somewhere else ... it wasn't my finest moment but after I'd taken her hands from throttling ds' neck for the third time that day, I'd had enough!! Buying the books asap.

markng my place

Another bookmarker.

Due DB2 on 2nd November when DS will be 3.7.

Think I'll order those books too.

Very interesting thread - thanks!

120, thank you for those tips

Just checking in quickly as I am absolutely knackered and have 1,000,000 things to do tonight (not literally ) -- 2 sleeps until DD arrives...

Got some books for DS about having a new baby in the house today, hope he likes 'em. Next book purchase will be the ones this thread is about.

Cheers again 120, look forward to catching up with thread after the birth.

Lenin, at the MN party cod gave me a really useful piece of advice, she said get a rucksack and put nappies and stuff in it and make the older child the 'nappy monitor', gets them involved and makes them feel responsible. Probably too late for your LOs but I'm definitely going to give it a go with DD. She likes to be helpful but I will have to have patience about it which I am not particularly great at.

Maybe we could have a thread where we put the main points that we can just copy and paste into something that we print out. I will never do it off my own back (plus the How to talk one was a library book) but collaboratively we could come up with something. Should I start a thread?

just do it on here, then one someone has a new one, they can copy and paste the list like you do on an antenatal thread with due dates etc...

Dh and I tried to teach dd1 and 2 the meaning of the word 'compromise' (dh has a lot of patience - I have zero), because they seem to take real pleasure in pulling in opposite directions.

Amazingly, so far (touches every piece of wood available), it seems to have worked. Every time a fight is about to start, I have sat them down, and reminded them of the conversation, and we have worked it out.

Mind you, I had nearly a full nights sleep last night, which might be why I have dealt with things better!

Lenin, dd1 does the 'stop saying that' thing too, its like she knows when she is being played, she has taken to sticking her fingers in her ears and stomping off upstairs.

I really like the idea of the bullet points, that I could stick on the fridge, next to a pair of emergency earplugs - for when the going gets tough

haven't had a chance to read it in the last week but will come back to this when I have!

Oh I am very very much marking my place here

I have HTT and SwR but it's been a while (without much sleep in between) since I read them and I am definitely struggling to manage behaviour just now (dds are 3.3 and 2.0).

I will read through this thread again when I am not supposed to be playing with my dc so busy but would love to apply some of these strategies.

Just remembering them is the problem.

Actually reading that back, I think the problem is more that I need to manage my reaction to their behaviour. I'm sure I make the problem worse half the time

Hi NC. That is the problem isn't it? It is usually us who are tired and grumpy and make things worse by overeacting/not reacting in a constructive way.

Have book right here and am going to go through it bit by bit!

First part is to Acknowledge Negative Feelings instead of ignoring them:

instead of:
DC "you're always with the baby"
YOU "no I'm not, haven't I just read to you?"

try:
YOU "you don't like me spending so much time with her"

instead of:
DC "he said this"
YOU "oh, just ignore him"

try:
YOU "I bet that made you angry"

instead of:
DC "he does it on purpose"
YOU "so what"

try
YOU "you feel he does it to annoy you"

etc

I have exactly this problem, DS (1) keeps trying to take DD's (3) comforter. I just say "no he isn't" or "just let him have it, no big deal, you'll get it back". She then goes and snatches it.

I now intend to try the "is that making you feel cross?" and see what happens..

Can I join in please? Have three dds - age 5.7, 3.6 and 1.10 - and they drive me up the wall with their squabbling and fighting, and like others have said, I don't help with my short fuse. The amount of times I've screeched "I'm sick of this, I've had enough!" etc, etc is unbelievable. Have had both the books for a while but forget everything they say in the heat of the moment.

I'd like to join in on the revision course, and I'm going to write the bullet points down and stick them somewhere prominent...and make dh read them too.

Just found this thread. It has reminded me to dust off my copies of HTT and SwR. My dc are 7.9, 6 (tomorrow) and 3.3

Generally they get on fine, but I find squabbles utterly draining. The eldest has also started answering back to me and being deliberately rude. Not a sibling issue as such, but the others do mimic his behaviour.

The main problem I have is that it is difficult to approach issues in the constructive way the book says when you are rushing to get to school , someone can't find their pe kit, the little one needs a wee, and the boys start shoving each other because they both wanted to sit on the same patch of stairs to put on their shoes. And, maybe one of them is trying to get away with wearing trainers when they know they're not allowed. Then it is very very difficult not to say "For heavens sake, you lot, sort yourselves out NOW before I explode". I know the 'answer' is to get bags all ready the night before etc which I do, but it's not easy, and I can't always remember what I'm 'supposed' to say, so deal with it in a crap unconstructive way. Ugh. Parenting.

Rrrrright, who's going to develop the bullet point version and help us tired lot out then?

or is anyone up for a chapter-by-chapter thing, re-read and discuss? Too structured?

120 - read first 3 chapters today. Arrived yesterday (good old Amazon).

Wondering whether my post baby brain can retain it. So more reminders would be great as we go along

x posted with Norkilly.

or is anyone up for a chapter-by-chapter thing, re-read and discuss? Too structured?

I'm up for that.

Yes, had started the chapter by chapter thing. but smaller, was just trying each technique on it's own per day. Thought that may be easier to practise and retain than whole chapter, but am open to whatever will work.

then we can do a running bullet point list (bit like you do on an antenatal thread and keep reposting and adding to it?).