Siblings without Rivalry. Have just bought, read and

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Was hoping to share my experiences on here with others who are suffering/have bought the book and are finding it useful!

I have a nearly 3 yr old DD and a 15 mo DS. DD has started saying things like 'I want you to send DS out into the world on his own' and generally hitting or kicking him whenever he gets within range.

There is hope as at other times she will hug and kiss him and say 'I love you DB'. But I am already finding the continuous 'please stop that, STOP THAT, RIGHT. THAT IS IT' type parenting wearing me down. Hence the hope that this book will give me some tools to cope with them fighting as I understand once the younger one is talking, this sort of thing will only escalate.

I know that my parents were forever telling me and DB (we are 15mo apart) that there was something wrong with us since we never stopped fighting (and hurting) each other, and I want to find another way without making my children feel they are in the wrong.

Has anyone got experience of putting the techniques of this book into practice and them working long term?

I have not heard of that book so can't really comment on it's recommendations.

However, whilst not all siblings fight, I am pretty sure about 95% of them do. My 2 are 3.9 and 17 months old and their 'playing' together' almost always ends in tears despite DS1 constantly telling me how much he loves DS2 and how he is never going to hurt him again etc etc.

Not sure where I am going with this post tbh other than to let you know that you are not alone....maybe I should buy that book

Have you read their other book already? How to talk so kids will listen......

It may be easier to read that one first and then implement the siblings stuff next.

cargirl... haven't read it so much as mumsnetted it. I remember Cod doing her chapter by chapter thread on it when the DD in question was but a few months old! I found the whole thing fascinating and used some of the techniques from a very early age (she now says things like 'I am feeling jealous because DB is holding the water and I want it') so IMHO, that really worked. Definitely a useful book!

However, like CB, the jury is out on whether it will work on the sibling rivalry issue, hence the thread. I think like a lot of parenting, it is the parents that tend to escalate the issue if they aren't careful and I find it really hard not to, especially if I am tired and fed up (and who isn't with two - or more - small children).

I think I did a lot of "you wish you were the baby/big girl so you could do x/have y" and the "you seem to have 2 lots of feelings, that you love having x and you hate having x as a sister"

Lenin, according to the book it should be 'I see a big mess on the floor. I am sure you can both work out how to tidy it up. I am going outside to read the paper'.

CG, it's when there she is just lashing out when he goes near her. For no discernable reason other than she just doesn't want him near her.

Me: stop hitting him. He hasn't done anything. (Which translates that she can hit him when he has so bad in any case)
her: I don't want him near me.

Then I sit there flummoxed as we replay the scene again and again as everytime I move him/try to engange in something else he does it again and again. I end up getting angry and everyone is crying/shouting! I know DS is bored, but he has an attention span of under 10 mins and I need to sit down occasionally whilst DD is quietly reading her books and not talking at to me.

"you want to do your things uninterrupted and he keeps getting in the way?"

"What could we do to make it better?"

Let her vent and then next time she may be more tolerant.

TBH I had a playpen to give the older ones a break and so I could leave them all without constant supervision - I had a just 3 year old, near 2 year old and a newborn.

Thanks - I will give it a go tomorrow. Utter respect at your coping with those gaps.

Will deal with the other 'situations' once I've got that one cracked. It doesn't sound a big deal, but it gets to me most as that is when I've finally sat down and am trying to drink my tea before it is tepid!

I have an older one too who was 8.5 when the youngest was born and tbh I think the gaps made it easier, 3 year old had never been an only child and didn't remember not having next one down after a few days, the youngest just slotted in!

OMG. Am speechless. And obviously should stop moaning.

Honestly it wasn't that bad, once you have 3 children you stop trying to do/achieve so much and life is suddenly much easier! No taking the 3 year old along to this that and the other and dragging baby with you.

Toddler group for all them and pre-school twice a week until she was 4.

That makes sense. I am trying to work part time and run my own web shop and be perfect super mum to my PFB and make sure #2 gets just as many mummy hours/books read/chances to attend singing group as DD did.... bit silly really.

Yes, slow down a bit!

I think having more kids makes that decision for you... off to talk to DP! And off to bed. Thanks for your widom.

me too. Maybe we can ask cargirl to post us some .

with 4 children do you thing I have time to read

Perhaps I'll dig it out again!

I spend a lot of time saying stuff like

"oh you got hurt, can I kiss it better"

"kind words, that was not a kind word"

"it's lovely to see you working together"

There is still lots of rivalry, it's just more sophisticated these days!

It's working! We've had a lot of 'I love my little brother. I'm a good big sister aren't I?'

thank you

what have you done/changed that is working

Am reading with interest, haven't heard of this book and am expecting #2 fairly soon, dd will be 2.6, already she likes to hit the bump (claims to be tickling to make it happy or teaching it to clap) and has told us that we need to get a new mummy and daddy for the new baby. She is also wanting to go in her high chair and be fed by me and generally trying to be a baby, which I'm just going with. Shes a determind little girl, its definitly going to be interesting.

I am a teacher and so have dealt with rivalry in the classroom, sometimes you get it right and its fab, other times when you are tired and start a rant and the little voice inside you tells you this is such a waste of time, the kids aren't listening at all...

Def read their other book first, "how to talk so kids will listen...." the siblings without rivalry grew out of that because there was too much to but into 1 chapter!