Siblings without Rivalry. Have just bought, read and

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Was hoping to share my experiences on here with others who are suffering/have bought the book and are finding it useful!

Perhaps just venting and then relaxing about it all a bit?

Marking my place as I go into hosp to have DD on Friday - DS is 2.8 and wavering between mild interest and mild hostility towards the bump. This thread is very encouraging, must remember to come back to it.

marking my place. been meaning to buy these books for yonks, so will do and join in hopefully

DD2 and DD3 are just 5 and just 3. It's so lovely whne they play nicely, but a bit too rare alas.

Finally time to catch up! Glad to see we have some more babies to practise on.

I have used the working together phrase lots, and made sure when someone got hurt, I picked up the hurt person and gave them attention, rather than yelling at the hurter. If the hurter then tried to get my attention, I said 'right now I am hugging x because they are hurt'. No blame, no discussion, no attention.

I also realised that DD wasn't getting enough 'mummy' time, so organised two tiny trips with her. One to the shop, so really crap but she was made up about it, and one where 'us girls went ahead of the boys and met them later'. I think the language as well as the time with me really helped.

The other thing, which is related to the first, is that I realised they never have time alone without each other. They go to nursery together, share a room (which is also their playroom), share meals, every outing is together, so basically I think they were generally a bit sick of it all. So I arranged for them to play in different rooms with different toys and then sort of scuttled between them, but they were both very absorbed and happy.

This morning we had 'I'm very proud of my little brother. He can walk and he has teeth'. She has also started translating his very early words for me, so can understand him. Needless to say it probably won't last, but am currently delighted!

Lenin, that fantasy stuff is truly great, but I couldn't make it work with other people's children who don't do it regularly (any tips?). Think I am going to buy the how to tlak book after all.

must go and do some work!

now that is the best tip yet. I mistakenly believe I need to help other parents by helping with their children when they are making a loud fuss (which makes other parents hate you, I know that now). I have sooo much to learn...

I'm having a revolutionary parenting moment.

I haven't had much success with the How To Talk book, with the wishes as fantasy thing, dd1 just tells me I'm a 'silly poopoo marmalade' (her insult du jour), and strops off.

Will give the siblings book a go though, as dd1 and 2 (4 and 3) are driving me insane. They switch from cuddling each other, giggling bundles of sisterly love to full on hairpulling, eye scratching horrors in seconds. I am pregnant with dc3 and am cranky and have zero patience, so my parenting technique is non existent, but usually ends in me sobbing on dh's shoulder when he comes home!

Lenin (hello!), yes dd1 is starting primary in September, and dd2 will be starting preschool - I am due in July, so it is going to be a chaotic few months! I think the combination of stroppy 4s and manic 3s, is a difficult one to handle.

More success with this last night! Not with Sibling this time, but friend that was being maltreated for disagreeing with DD. Used some of the techniques from the fighting chapter again...

Describing situation 'I see DD pushing x. X looks very unhappy'

Giving attention to X 'Come here x, do you want a cuddle (teary agreement).' DD tries to force herself on my lap and is removed 'x is getting a cuddle as he is upset'. She then went off on her own and we had no more of that type of behaviour for the rest of the evening.

Was most pleased as it tends to happen quite a lot between those two.

ooooo bookmarking.

I have dd1 [5.5] and dd2 [1.3] and no idea as both dh and I are only children.

So far the planned age gap is working a treat. They have little in common in terms of playing with toys, and so we don't get grumps about that. They have rough and tumble play and that works well, and dd1 likes to help feed and 'watch' dd2.

The only cloud on the horizon is dd2 has started to pull dd1 off my lap if she comes for a cuddle. Little whatsit! She is a bit too young to understand any of the reasoning and explanations, so poor dd1 has to take up a lot of the slack. Happily her personality absorbs this well, she is a mature 5, and can see the sense in letting dd2 have her way.
I think when dd2 is older, dd1 may put her foot down though!

That is how it started with my two. H (15mo) will actually wait now while I'm cuddling DD (nearly 3), but doesn't like it and stands there moaning. 'no, H, this is DD's time for a cuddle. You can have one next'. Then have to make sure I follow through as usually get distracted!

When I walk through the door from work they compete to see who can get on me first and compete with kisses so I end up floored and covered in snot/food/other substances. A bit like having dogs, really. I am hoping giving them their own time with me will reduce the competition as it is driving me insane.

Right, I'm going to order these books -- this is all so interesting. But we won't receive them until I'm home from hospital, and will then need to read them properly.

In the meantime ... do they contain any tips that you can perhaps share here for the very early stages of introducing ambivalent DS to his new little sister, and/or minimising problems during the first few days at home?

DS will be staying over with my in-laws on Friday night (am having CS on Fri), and then DP will go out to join them on Sat and will bring everyone to visiting hours. I'm aware of the basics, eg to try not to be feeding or cuddling the new baby when DS first sees me, and to avoid pressuring him to take an interest. We also have a present "from" the baby for him. Beyond that, though ... clueless. I'll be in hosp for 2/3 days at least, hopefully no more, but it's a long time to be away from him and I don't want to do/say all the wrong things when we get home.

He's doing a little bit of boundary-testing with me and DP at the moment; nothing too bad, but some hitherto-uncharacteristic hitting, slapping, kicking etc. Yesterday he tried to trap my fingers in his crayon tin and when I mildly said "No DS, that would hurt Mummy", he said in a rather weirdly blank, passionless way, "I want to hurt you very much". Which is not like him at all and makes me worry that he already feels bad about getting less attention & energetic play from me, and the baby's not even here yet ... (he's 2.8 by the way).

Sorry for long post and tenuous link to the topic, but I'll be looking for inspiration from these books when they do arrive.

After reading everything on here I am buying both books. I need all the help I can get with 2 LO's aged 2.9 and 15 months

Just wanted to say in terms of the behavioural changes, are you two talking more about things he doesn't fully understand/giving him less attention which is making him anxious at all (don't want to sound as if I'm assuming you are, but I found with DD she is very quick to act on changes of atmosphere and is more accurate than a barometer in terms of emotional temperature: I can usually tell things are going a bit sour between me and DP/I'm being a bit too demanding when she starts acting up!)

Early days advice.. this isn't from the books, but I can tell you what made my life much easier for the first few weeks:

• arrange someone to take DS to something special each morning so that you have mornings clear with the baby. Then schedule afternoon time for him with just you and him. Try and start these routines before the bub arrives if poss.

• warn visitors in advance to make a fuss of him first/bring two presents (one for the new big brother)

• have a special box of toys for during feeding times

• try and relax if you can (especially during the first week when you get the horrible hormonal switch and feel a bit low (see the bit about emotional temp above!)

I think the whole family take their cues from Mum, so the more relaxed you can be, the easier it will be on everyone. Easy, huh?

Marking plcae. DD will be 3.3 when DC2 is born in Sept.