I am the most stupid mother on this planet :(

[Neel1411]

I jammed my LO's finger in the morning in the bathroom door . I didnt even check he was there. I am so stupid. Feeling so guilty ....

DH made me feel worse .. said it happens only with me. He always falls when I am around. I think my reflexes dont work on time ... I try so hard to watch LO, but something always happens ... and that too because of me ...

Sorry rant over.

I had the same reaction as all of you. Shocked, depressed, isolated and let down. I am gald to hear I wasnt asking for too much from my DH.

MIL told DH that apparently I did not eat well (as MIL had instructed) and so I did not have the energy to push out the baby(!). Talk about adding fuel to fire.

I wish I could get DH to read this thread and tell him how lucky he is to have a wife who took his shit and is still with him

glad

@cyteen - MIL is not a mean woman as such. I would call her dominating instead (my way or highway types). As much as I know what she can do ... I also know she wont hide anything related to DS from us. And DS likes her too. TBH I am at peace at work coz DS is with her. I think her problem is me rather than DS ;)

find someone else to look after your child.

seriously.

Wow, only skimmed thread but your DH and MIL criticising you - and your DH criticizing you for the birth FFS! - are seriously undermining and hurting you. Try to address this with your DH if you possibly can. What he said about the birth is way out of order - you cannot blame someone for having a difficult birth!

I was 24 hours in labour without pushing once - my body just wouldn't go there and I ended up with a c-section - is that my fault? No. And my DP wouldn't dream in a million years of saying "you didn't try hard enough" - and if he did he would have got a mouthful I can tell you. How would your DH like to try going through a difficult birth, hmm? Argh I am fuming at him on your behalf.

As for your child, it sounds to me as if your DH and MIL are very critical and keen to pounce on any "mistake" they decide you make. But, being super-protective of a small child and making sure they never hurt themselves is not a great idea either. Your MIL and DH aren't necessarily doing a better job just because your LO never gets a scratch or a bump while with them. Children need to learn about the world, what things are risky and what aren't and how to become more independent.

I have a very clumsy DS who will fidget and crash around and fall off things non-stop. It's a fine balance between letting him learn and keeping him safe, but sometimes he does fall off his chair or walk into a wall because he has to learn to manage himself and I can't be constantly nagging at him and grabbing him.

Your DH is being an utter knob. And in implying that your ds only hurts himself when you're in charge, she's a liar.

You need to seriously reassess your relationships with both. And tell your MIL where to stick her childminding - with a bullying attitude like hers she is NOT doing you a favour.

It does sound as if you MIL is competitive parenting with you - do you ever tell her how much you appreciate how well she looks after your DS? As from your posts on here, it shines through how highly you rate her care for him.

And, sorry if this is teaching you to suck eggs, but when your self confidence is low, remember that saying a good thing about somebody else doesn't mean a bad thing about you. I.e. her care is good and your care is also good.

@IsItMeOr - I think I will try this reverse pshycology game with MIL. Tell her that she is an awesome carer and I will try and catch up with her? That may make her feel better? And stop this rubbishing competition forever?!

Neel - I am sorry that I brought back painful memories

I think you do need to see your GP/HV and talk about this. Your feelings now and those surrounding DS birth - could you get a debrief? Not to valid your feelings but to show you that these things are way out of our control.

unmn hugs

Northumberlandlass - Dont worry ... I was a bit emotional already! Helped me put things in perspective

I am deftly planning to have a chat with my GP. Would take DH along so he knows about it too.

Talking to the GP sounds like a really good idea Neel.

I've just been thinking some more about your MIL and your description of her, and I'm not entirely sure the reverse psychology will work on her - she sounds a bit of a know it all...

I am intrigued as to what she thought you could have eaten that would have made any difference? Just to be clear, as far as I know, there is little link between what you eat and the birth experience you have. Daft woman!

Neel - depression can indeed lead to memory loss. Tell GP what you've said on here. Good luck X

Neel, don't call yourself a sissy; you're a human being, and why shouldn't you be upset by such blame and undermining of your love and efforts for DS? The fact that you are considering the criticisms also means that you are not a stubborn old goat (like two others we are discussing), and are willing to compromise your own interests for the sake of your child.

I really liked stillfrazzled's quote of "until you are psychic, don't feel guilty" idea, and also MarineIguana's comment on over-protecting children! I take my DS out in weathers that MIL does not consider suitable - like rain , but because she is a reasonable person, she doesn't try to stop me doing that (at least - she does fuss about other things). She does have other bees in her bonnet, for example an unreasonable hatred of nursery - once suggested taking DS out for the rest of the winter "so he doesn't get ill" , but she doesn't go on about it all the time; she does try to control herself and her fears, and I really admire that. (I also think she will have an easier life if she stops worrying quite so much, but "ah shucks - that's just my humanitarian side showing")

As for that "eating well" bollocks, even laying aside the fact that it makes it sound even more like she has it in for you, we don't know that she isn't working to outdated or OTT ideas! One of DH's friends forced his wife to drink a large glass of milk and eat 2-3 eggs for breakfast when she was pregnant, which actually was the opposite of a favour, as she gained a lot of weight (she is very petite), which made it hard to get about while pregnant, and which was hard to lose! She took it well, but I would have been rather annoyed!

Maybe MIL is the problem, not DH, if she was having a go about you before the birth. Does that pre-date any blame your husband has levelled at you? What was your relationship like before? Was he in awe of your 400-page memorisations?!

By the way, IsItMe, thanks, and can I point out that the way you have discussed your idea, about using reverse psychology on the MIL, set a really good example about how a reasonable person should behave: you propose an idea, discuss it a bit and hear it discussed, and when you have a bit more information from the OP and feedback from other posters, you revisit the idea, admitting you're not sure it's appropriate in the circumstances. That's the kind of graceful interaction a stubborn goat (such as those we are discussing) can't seem to handle.

Neel, you mentioned MIL was "my way or the highway", and that is just the sort of person who can't switch lanes when a crash is coming or the ground becomes rough. If you don't mind my taking this driving metaphor a bit further, that sort of "driver" ends up being either a road hog (causing congestion by slowing everyone down) or road rager who barges through (possibly causing accidents in his/her wake). You don't want DH to end up like this!

Neel, the stubborn ones are benefiting from your willingness to compromise and to examine your own behaviour, in your child's interests. Yet becoming a stubborn fool yourself isn't the answer, either. I know that I am guilty at times of reacting too strongly to my MIL and DH's fears; for example, I think they are both hypochondriacs, but there have been a couple of times (most recently in November) when they have been right and DS was much sicker than I thought. I'm ashamed of those times, so I do try to keep a balanced mind, but I'm grateful when DH and MIL don't push me too hard and make me stubborn!

Neel141... haven't read all of thread (norty) but wanted to tell you my dad slammed the kitchen door on my thumb when I was 4 - he didn't spot me standing behind it, with my thumb between the door and the door jamb.
He was mortified! I was absolutely fine,thumb was bruised but okay... and I did forgive him
You are not a bad mummy!
Your DH, though is a twat

Ooh, graceful, (preens) . Thanks WV!

Gracious could be used as well for that kind of attention to others' ideas while trying to be truthful to one's own judgement.

That's the effect you're going for, Neel! You are already listening to others (don't be as stubborn as I try not to be!), and you also have your own judgement about what you want your DS to have. Now your dance partners need to gain some grace and graciousness, too... I do hope you manage to get some counselling.

BTW, Neel, re-reading my posts, I do hope I'm not projecting too much of my own circumstances onto this; there are some similarities, so if you think my judgement is off, do say so, and I'll try to be gracious about it!

Thanks everyone for the lovely support and insight, especially WingedVictory for taking the time to explain things out. It always helps to know what other people did when they were in a similar situation.

As about the eating thing, I ate everything and had a healthy pregnancy throughout. I ate everything vegeterian I mean I cannot eat non-veg ... and this is what my family was going on about all the time. They are non vegeterians.

DH and I always had / have a good relationship. He is not the most expressive of guys. And I doubt he even knew I had great memory (!!) prior to baby. He is more like a happy go lucky kid. Depending on me for every single thing and TBH I take a little pride in doing things for him without expecting thanks. This has made him take me for granted. And I am to be blamed for it.

MIL sees that DH isnt particularly supportive when it comes to his famiy and me. And she takes me for a ride too knowing this. DH knows MIL is dominating and has said this to her a number of times too. But she doesnt seem to take any heed of it. DH's excuse is she is old and there's hardly anything we can do to change her. He takes it as his duty to adjust to his mum and expects me to do the same. And must say DH also adjusts to my family (who are pains too but non interfering since they live in a diff country ). MIL even believes that DH would 'kick' me out if she tells him to! Well ... !

These mind games by MIL is doing me in. Hurts me and I have cried days on end due to this. This is only a part of it really. I have done too many things for DH and his family just coz I loved DH. DH knows this and hence keeps his a*se and mouth shut when I remind him of it.

I know the solution - Listen to MIL and do what she says (however stupid it may be). Problem solved.

That's not the solution! It wouldn't be the solution to 'try harder' with an abusive partner, and your MIL sounds kind of abusive to me. Are there cultural issues at play here by any chance?

In case anyone else's stories help: I fell down a flight of stairs with my daughter when she was 4 months old, and I tripped because I was trying to carry her and a big pot plant at the same time (i.e., I was being stupid), and my husband was pretty lovely about it (once he got over the shock - we ended up in the paediatric ward for a week because she had a skull injury) and has never held it over me since.

I understand that yours is reacting to shock or to trauma, but it's the fact that he's letting this list of stuff accumulate that worries me. It's one thing to react to your child's injury all 'OMG how could you do something stupid' - not great, but understandable maybe - but to compile a mental list and take the attitude that 'you always injure your child, noone else injures him, you're worse at looking after him'...that's seriously asshole behaviour.

Could it be that in fact LO is so excited to be with you that he rushes as is not concentrating hence he falls? Kids rush around so much, I work full time and my dd throws herself at me when I do the pick-up, many a time she has gone over.

She also follows me around a lot, it's out of love. Could this be whatbis happening with you ds?

@BlueBumedFly - Yes this is exactly what happens!! He has atleast stopped falling over now that he has started walking a bit steadily! But keeps following me everywhere I go especially in the mornings when he knows I would be leaving him for work. I was so paranoid about him falling and people blaming that I put soft padding all over in my room and used only that room to play with him!!

When he was about 2 months old and was trying to hold his head steady ... he accidentally banged his head on my necklace whilst I was carrying him. It hurt him a bit and he cried. Everyone (especially MIL)made me feel so guilty that I ended up crying myself for the next one hour. Darn I dont even want to think about all those days!

Doesnt help that I am an emotional wreck myself and take every small thing to heart. More so when I had just delivered and everything was going wrong! I could have laughed and forgotten the episode but it just stays on ... 1.5 years after the incident!! Oh dear .. No way I am having one more child!

Oh neel, this is getting even worse, about the necklace! These things happen, it's just completely normal and I don't know any other mother who has ever been made to feel bad about something like this by close family.

When my DS was two days old in hospital I tried to cut his fingernails with baby clippers, and cut one of his fingers a bit and it bled. Of course I felt DREADFUL and cried, but the midwives and nurses in the hospital all comforted me, they all said "oh you didn't mean to, he'll be fine". And they are healthcare professionals - if they could forgive me then so should family members. This is just out of order and you must rebut it if you can. Don't feel guilty about these things - reply calmly and tell your DH/MIL that they are being unsupportive and hurting you and that everyone makes mistakes, including them.

I also have a friend who lifted his new baby up in the air in delighted new fatherhood mode, and bumped her head off the ceiling. And I know so many more stories like this about people doing far more foolish things than you have! Yet all these babies are fine and none of these people were made to feel bad by their OH or family. They felt bad, checked the baby over and put it down to being a new parent, and that's how it should be.

Neel, I was (one of) the first to say leave your DH and I'm sorry about that, it was an over reaction - it sounds as though you want to be a family and you're the best judge. Any man who blames his partner for a bad birth experience needs a serious wake up call, and it was that that made me see red.
As for the other stuff, you do know this is normal. I said I wouldn't do this, but here goes, here's what i can remember of DS:

when tiny

• cut his nail & chopped the end of his thumb (me)
• put him down for the first time in his cot and bumped his head a bit (DH)
• bumped head off a door frame (me)
• let him fall off the bed (me)
• in a car accident, jolted him & he prjectile vomited (me)

when crawling

• fell off a futon, breath held, ended up in A&E

walking:

• fell off a wall with MIL, cut under his nose, still has the scar. bled for days
• fell over when out with DH, cut his nose yet again
• (a few days ago) fell off DD's high chair (he's a climber). bump on head

these are only the ones i can bring to mind, we have regular bumps. Also when tiny they do that thing where they're holding their head up, then lose it and headbut your chest (necklace??)
this is all normal!

oh god, he's going to be taken off me, isn't he??