Come back, Neel, and save us from our own awful memories! Even though we're admitting these things, it doesn't mean we like to dwell on them (at least I don't), and it's uncomfortable reading for all of us, to see the mistakes we make, even as we nod our heads and think, "Oh, yes, forgot about that one.... Yes.... Oh, dear, yes."
So now that we've established that no-one can be innocent of presiding over heartbreak and headbreak (even sainted MIL, although if she is, as various people keep emphasising, she is de-stimulating your child!), let's go back to how your DH reacts.
You need to find out (ask a GP or health visitor or someone on MN) what sort of counselling is most suitable for your situation, and make sure DH is explicitly included in the type of counselling, as it's unlikely to work without his co-operation.
Once you have found out what there is available, and possibly even have a start date to propose, bring it to DH as a ready-made solution. You have the best chance of getting him to agree if you are pro-active and confident about his agreement. He doesn't seem to be used to your being pro-active, so the different attitude should take him by surprise and he may succumb more easily to your authority because it is unexpected. He may be used to you telling him you are hurt that he would blame you for this and that, so should not be prepared for you to come out with a demand. (Leave MIL out of it for the mo; you are pretending she is not involved). If you are worried about this step, ask the GP/counsellor what legal or moral backing they can give for your desire for counselling.
Meanwhile, if you have any friends with children AND hopefully partners as well, a get-together might be a good idea, with the mothers and/or their partners primed to make comments to DH. Helpful things they might say are:
- oh, your DS is a bit clumsy. Doesn't he get out to run around? [only if this is appropriate, and I know it's crazy that I'm suggesting someone deliberately say such a Competitive Mother thing about your PFB! and sorry to everyone else who's suffered this. I have, and know it's annoying, but it might engage the DH's ego!]
- Ooops, Charlie, slow down! You don't want to end up in A&E again, remember last time? (said very gaily to self-destructively rambunctious toddler)
- (another DP/DH sidles up to DH and starts reminiscing about breaking his arm when he was doing something daring as a boy)
- Someone engaging DH in discussion about how old a child should be to be given a scooter. (NB - this demonstrates that these parents are not all about A&E, breaking arms and rough play, but also about rational judgement about risks, and sometimes being risk-averse.)
These are just some ideas, and some of them may turn out not to be appropriate, or you may not have anyone around to say them. But they are scenarios every parent knows, and perhaps they will be the sort of thing DH will be asked to confront in counselling. He must be brought to understand that even the lighthearted comment about "Charlie" in A&E is not evidence of parental callousness and carelessness, but a warning, couched in light-hearted words, which reminds the child of danger without paralysing him/her. "Charlie" is given a prompt to act more carefully. There may be times when Charlie fails to react to this prompt, and suffers the consequences again, but if he is continually reminded by his parents to think about consequences (rather than just experiencing them) and act on that judgement, he will eventually learn to internalise that warning system, and that is excellent parenting. Don't let your DS grow up without that teaching.
Did you say you were afraid to take DS abroad? Was that to visit family? If so, you should take that trip at some point, definitely. It would be a good time to bond with DH and DS and try out some of the stuff you have learned in counselling.