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I am the most stupid mother on this planet :(

107 replies

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 06:26

I jammed my LO's finger in the morning in the bathroom door . I didnt even check he was there. I am so stupid. Feeling so guilty ....

DH made me feel worse .. said it happens only with me. He always falls when I am around. I think my reflexes dont work on time ... I try so hard to watch LO, but something always happens ... and that too because of me ...

Sorry rant over.

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BalloonSlayer · 13/01/2010 08:21

I agree your DH sounds awful. As for his apology - well it doesn't mean much if he constantly behaves as if he still feels like that by blaming you for everything that goes wrong.

One of my DCs had a bad accident while in my DH's care. My DH was close to a breakdown over it. He still can't talk about it without bursting into tears 8 years later. I have never berated him about it - I knew he felt bad enough, I just couldn't add to his torture. When the DCs have had accidents in my care, and I have been distraught, he has been at pains to reassure me.

As for the absolute rubbish about being unable to push your DS out - I would so love to shove a bowling ball up the arse of people who say things like that, then stand and jeer at them for not being able to push it out again.

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 08:23

I love DH (hope he does too .. though I am tempted to believe he doesnt!). Things are great until it comes to DS. During that time he fails to stand by me.

Though he took it quiet cool, when DS ate up half a tub of baby cream when he was in his mother's care . 15 mins of aspiration and the little fella was crying his lungs out. Rules are different for wife and mother, eh?

And am I still suffering from depression? I dont know!! I have memory loss though. And I cant remember anything unless I write down (I used to memorize 400 page books!). MIL keeps mocking me for this too. Really is it so uncommon?

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StealthPolarBear · 13/01/2010 08:29

your 'family' sound dreadful and you sound like you need to get rid and visit the GP.

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largeginandtonic · 13/01/2010 08:32

Perhaps you could find different childcare for ds? Try cutting mil out, she sound poisonous tbh.

Buy some parenting books, partic emotional ones that will ALL show a united front with parents is necessary. Leave them out for him to read and mil.

I would order some birth trauma books too so dh can see how much you have been through.

He sounds like a tosser. Poor you

Go back to the doc and talk about how you her feel too.

OrmIrian · 13/01/2010 08:38

Poor you and DS.

But why do people feel the need to say such vile things? Accidents happen. Saying that wasn't going to help your son was it. Stupid bugger

OMG just read the thing about the birth. Your DH sounds really awful. How cruel.

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 08:41

To be fair to DH ... He is a nice guy and very helpful. Goes out of the way doing things and is very kind hearted. And that is why it shocked me more when he behaved like he did when I delivered. I expected him to stand by me but instead he added to my stress. If I have to dig the past again ... I am sure I would divorce DH. Just trying to love him for what he is right now. I thought he deserved forgiveness coz he apologized. There wont be a difference between him and me if I did not forgive him for what he did. But it hurts me that he never stood up for me when I needed him the most.

And to add to the irony ... he once said in front of his whole family to his friend that his son could not have had a better mother!! I dont know what to make of it! He called up about a minute back and said "I know you are a great mother, but please be more careful"! Now that sounds better! WTF?! He could have avoided all the heartache by saying this the first time round? I cant understand anything.

And as about MIL ... she is great to LO and thats all I want. I want to just overlook for the sake of my son.

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cyteen · 13/01/2010 08:44

I think you should seriously consider putting DS in paid childcare to break up the bullying team of your H and MIL. Seems like they're egging each other on and bolstering each other's shitty unfair opinions of you - maybe once she's out of the equation he might come around a bit. If not, please consider counselling for you (to help with the birth trauma) and joint counselling for you and H (to help your relationship become less toxic). In fact, please consider these anyway, because you sound like you're being shat on from a great height and you don't deserve it.

On a more positive note, whenever you feel bad as a parent, picture your son's shining adoring face smiling up at you because that's what good parenting is all about.

chocolaterabbit · 13/01/2010 08:52

Please go and see the gp/ hv and say how you're feeling.

I think your DH and MIL are horribly undermining and deliberately trying to make you feel bad.

Some children are accident prone - I've certainly trodden on DD a couple of times but my Dbrother is full of stitches from various accidents. If an accident hadn't happened to him for a bit he would go out and find one (dropping bricks to break them) for example.

WingedVictory · 13/01/2010 09:00

Hi, Neel, I'm not surprised that you nearly divorced over your DH's reaction to the birth; it is unreasonable - lacking reason in the purest sense of the term - to blame a mother for that sort of birth problem! His blame was entirely mis-directed then, which ought to make you think it is mis-directed now. It is mis-directed and, contrary to his stated intentions, actually bad for your child; he is probably convinced he is "saving" your child with this nagging and criticising, but he ought to understand that your child's interests lie in making the child happy and making its mother happy, too (or not making her unhappy and undermining her).

My DH often goes mad and swears when DS is hurt in my presence, even when, for example, DS has flung his head around and hit a door frame as I am carrying him. If anyone else is sceptical, I can confirm that it is very hurtful and quite offensive to be accused of hurting DS, or even not protecting him from unexpected bumps and falls.

So, what for you to do, Neel? I don't think a divorce is the answer, because that will not solve the problems you have with DH and MIL; in fact, the problems would get more bitter as you fought over DS, money, access, etc. You didn't indicate why MIL is looking after DS, but if it is because you cannot afford a nursery, despite your working full-time, then money and childcare arrangements in any divorce could be particularly difficult, and you could be left with continuing contact with MIL (and I'm not sure whether a divorce would grant separation from her!).

Counselling is probably the only answer, since you want to address the problem itself, and also since it makes DH acknowledge you. He must face that you have concerns, you have a grievance, you are unhappy. He is not the only one here, as it seems he is thinking. He may claim to be concerned about your DS, but it sounds more like the focus is his own feelings of helplessness and desire for control to deal with that. You haven't mentioned how much DH interacts with DS, but does he avoid holding DS? Even if he is Mr Grace and No-Accidents himself, so what? He still shouldn't treat you like this for being clumsy. I'm clumsy, but even my DH doesn't blame me as much as yours seems to.

One other thing you can do, just to make yourself feel better, is to consult an expert, e.g. a solicitor or the Citizens' Advice Bureau, to settle in your own mind that your child would not be taken away from you even if you divorced. You can have that at your back, to lean on when you need support, whenever things are difficult with DH and MIL.

You also said that DS trails after you and loves you, and it would be quite easy to prove his attachment to you and therefore his distress if you were "taken away". Keep that in your heart.

I'll check back later.

stillfrazzled · 13/01/2010 09:09

Nice guys do not blame their wives for birth traumas beyond their control, or for accidents (the clue's in the name FFS) that occur to an active child who can't be cotton-wooled every minute of the day.

Am on your behalf. The problem is them, not you. Your DS's love for you proves what a fab mum you are - hold on to that and maybe try some more counselling to up your confidence?

Sounds like your a*se of a husband (am not going to give him the 'D') could do with some counselling too. And definitely ditch the MIL as far as possible, poisonous old toad.

WingedVictory · 13/01/2010 09:12

Gosh, things moved on a bit while I was writing my (rather long) post (sorry).

"Though he took it quiet cool, when DS ate up half a tub of baby cream when he was in his mother's care hmm. 15 mins of aspiration and the little fella was crying his lungs out. Rules are different for wife and mother, eh?"

That is bloody annoying and unfair, and it might be worthwhile to keep track of incidents like that.

I'm glad you were able to give DH "a piece of your mind", as I was afraid, from your first post, that you had stopped fighting due to lack of confidence, and that is a very sad thing to see. It's already painful to hear things like:
"I am so stupid."

"I try so hard to watch LO, but something always happens ... and that too because of me ... "

"His logic is "He is a baby he doesnt understand, where did your brains go?" And I tend to agree with it."

"I dont know if I am ever going to come out of this guilt. Living with it is killing me everyday. "

duchesse · 13/01/2010 09:13

We've all done silly things to out children. If your husband hasn't yet it's because he hasn't looked after your child enough. He is being an arse.

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 09:22

I am not up for a childcare thing because I am a bit paranoid about that too. Cant trust my LO in anyone else's hands. If ever I am in a situation wherein I dont have anyone to look after DS, I might quit my job and look after him myself provided my circumstances allow it.

I am not contemplating divorce, because as I said I love my DH. And DS loves his dad too. I beleive no one is perfect and neither am I. I can be a pain many times too. Just some days like this I feel like bashing him with a rolling pin .

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pinchmeimustbedreaming · 13/01/2010 09:23

neel this really is a horrid situation and like i said iv been in the same boat. i agree that you should think about some time away and also maybe 2 or 3 days a week with lo in daycare.
i wouldnt suggest divorce it will just make things worse and also you love your dh. yes he makes you feel awful but you want to right this problem yes? iv learnt with my MIL that (with all MILs im sure) she needs to be needed so let her look after you ds but on yours and your dh terms. maybe go to her for advice sometimes so SHE feels in control (but actually isnt). i really feel that your dh is key here. i know MIL has ds when you're at work but how about she has him so you 2 can go out for a meal. re-ignite that original flame. he obviously has issues with the birth aswel and (not as big as yours) are important to sort too. i went to counselling at the hospital sat there with my midwife and went through the things that went wrong and why. maybe that service is ofered at your hospital too. if it is GO! and take him with you maybe a good idea to hear the other persons side whilst getting help for yourselves. you both went through a horrible time, look after eachother. you're the only ones who can!!!!!!!

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 09:29

@WingedVictory - I was terribly down the last couple of hours. But usually I am not a sissy. Sometimes just a little re-assurance from other girls makes you feel better. And you bunch have been great at that!

Thanks for all the support. I am feeling so much better after my first post and you can make that out in my tone in other posts ... Not feeling that guilty either right now

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 13/01/2010 09:34

Ignore your H. He is being an idiot and pretty mean tbh.

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 09:36

@pinchmeimustbedreaming - I am seriously considering a chat with my GP. If anything atleast need to get my memory issues sorted. Was wondering if depression leads to memory loss.

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stillfrazzled · 13/01/2010 09:39

Neel, FWIW DS's best accident so far was vaulting out of my bed - where he was sitting BETWEEN me and DH - and banging his head on the radiator, raising a lump the size of an egg and putting us on concussion watch the rest of the day. We both felt like absolute twunts who shouldn't have been allowed to breed. If that can happen, anything can.

Anyway, the guilt thing: my friend sent me a great email that I quote to myself even now: "Until you become psychic, avoid the guilt."

Worth keeping in mind...

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 09:41

LOL @stillfrazzled! I'll remember that quote

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Acanthus · 13/01/2010 09:46

Everyone is criticising your DH. It sounds as though you struggled to come to terms with a difficult birth and could probably do with some help/ counselling/ talking it through now to move on and out it behind you. Isn't is very possible that it was traumatic for your DH too and he needs the same sort of help as you, OP?

Neel1411 · 13/01/2010 09:49

@Acanthus - That's the reason why I chose to forgive him and because he is generally a good guy. This is the reason he gave me too.

But still I believe we could have banked on each other for support and things would have been so much easier?

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TeddyBare · 13/01/2010 10:00

Your dh and mil sound really insensitive. I think some medium for discussion (mediator, counciling) with your dh about him blaming you for this is needed and some serious consideration about the merits of your marriage.
Your birth experience was in no way your fault - do they also think women have emergency csections through choice too?!
If you really don't want to rely on professional childcare prehaps you could cut your hours at work to reduce the amount of time mil has with ds? Speak to your dh about him doing the same so that ds could have more time with his parents. I would be trying to get mil out of the way a bit if possibly in your situation. Could your mum help you? Can you limit the time mil is around to judge your parenting (i.e. drop ds off at her house and don't spend too long there for her to see too much).
Are you sure that mil is actually keeping an eye on ds all the time? Do you know that he doesn't have these kinds of accidents with her but that she just doesn't notice or report them to you?
Don't let yourself get upset by accidents. Toddlers are resiliant things - if they couldn't take a few bumps and grazes then they'd never ever learn to walk.

IsItMeOr · 13/01/2010 10:28

Agree with all the comments here, especially WingedVictory's eloquent contribution.

This is so not fair on you. DH was shocked at your H's reaction to your horrible birth experience. This is not normal/appropriate behaviour for a husband.

I hope you are able to get the support you need in RL. You sound like just as good a mum as the rest of us (which is fine btw!).

blinks · 13/01/2010 10:41

jesus. you need to sit your DH down on his own and have stern, stern words with him-

along the lines of- you need to be helping boost my confidence with our child rather than knocking it. i also expect you to be loyal to me in front of your mother as your conspiring behaviour makes me feel isolated, undermined, less confident and more nervous around my own child.

i couldn't push either of my babies out and my youngest scored 1/10, ie she had a pulse and that was it... it had NOTHING to do with 'pushing hard enough'. some women physically cannot push out babies, me included but it's not my FAULT and any partner who would even contemplate blaming the mother of their child for such a thing needs his fucking head examined.

i'm seething on your behalf.

please take heart from these comments and work on establishing more control in your partnership and extended family... you deserve happiness and RESPECT.

cyteen · 13/01/2010 11:00

"Are you sure that mil is actually keeping an eye on ds all the time? Do you know that he doesn't have these kinds of accidents with her but that she just doesn't notice or report them to you?"

This is a good point actually. Last week at nursery my DS had an accident (fell off the sofa and banged his head hard enough to raise a massive blue-black egg). They told me as soon as I walked in and had an accident report form ready for me to sign if I was happy with their report of events. The staff had closely observed him for the rest of the day to make sure he wasn't showing signs of concussion - if he had, they would have called me to come and collect him straight away.

I presume registered childcare providers are legally obliged to do this kind of reporting as part of the system of checks and balances. Your MIL isn't. It's something to think about when considering safety issues.

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