I Don't love my Daughter!

[LouLou80]

hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?

A child going back and forth between two homes. A father who does nothing to help - just goes along with it. As far as I am concerned that is emotionally abusive. Yes SS should be involved. the reality is though that they are unlikely to be - probably all this little girl's physical day to day needs are met well. Emotional needs can be well hidden though and much less apparent when they are not met.

I would hate to see this poor child as a teenager. Either an early baby so she has something to love or drugs/alcohol to dull the pain are high possibles. Sad, very sad - just hope that Lou can get the support she needs for herself and her daughter.

Can she be genuine do you think?Some of it seems beyond belief to me.I did post a little earlier but the more I think about it the worse it seems.I hope it is just a sick windup and there is no 3yr old girl at the heart of a nightmare.

Perhaps it is something that happened to her as a child and she is exploring it here? That would perhaps explain the slightly confused acceptance of the situation, the detached language and the glossing over of the father's role (ie as a child she never really found out what he thought. ) That is me charitably and massively overthinking this. Mostly I think this tale is not all it seems.

I think if you really believe your beloved boys are unaffected by this you're an idiot as well as cruel.

I can't imagine how awful it must be for them to know their mother gives away the children she doesn't like. How terrifying for them to constantly be afraid that if they fall out of favour they'll be packed off too. I wonder how many times after getting in trouble they've lain awake crying in fear, convinced mommy was going to give them away as she didn't love them anymore?

How horrendous for your poor twins to be separated from each other, that bond is like no other and you're doing your utmost to destroy it... do you really think either of them will forgive you for that when they're older?

Everyone here can empathise with difficulty bonding with a child i'd imagine.... but to give that child away rather than try? For a father to simply allow his daughter be banished from the family home? For a mother to take her daughter's baby rather than support and help her deal with her issues? Those things are appalling and immoral and will cause so much pain and anguish in years to come

Regardless of whether you want SS involved I am beginning to think they should be. Why would you want them involved as you seem to think that things are OK as they are? They aren't.

My mum never cared much for me, I was always a daddy's girl and am thankful for that.

Your dd will have emotional issues from this rejection. Although I wasn't sent away I knew plain and simple I wasn't loved, I was an annoyance. It scars for life, I don't trust people, I think everyone hates me, I cannot make long lasting friendships, and all because of what I went through - so stop it now. You are a parent, you are an adult, she is just little, never asked to be born but she needs you - whether or not you like it. What are your sons going to think? Do you not realise this will affect them too? Especially her twin.

My dad died a few months ago and my mother is selling up to move in together with us. After all that it is expected that I am there for her. Like it or not I am my dad's daughter and cannot turn her away or say no. What happens if you ever needed your daughter? What then?

I'm going to stop now.

This won't just affect you and your DD, it will affect all her relationships and probably her children too.

My mother was abandoned by her mother aged 3 to live with her aunt, and then taken back again aged 5. Her mother wasn't able to love her.

My mother now has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my childhood was utterly miserable. My brother and I both have serious mental health problems which will afflict us all our lives.

That is the legacy of a mother abandoning her child so easily.

Seriously, think about it.

Lou I hope that you have got help please keep us posted how things are going for you. I dont mean to be harsh but it is quite an unusual situation which does need fixing immediately.

i think ur very brave saying this on line.
have u ever thought about having the boys looked after for like a week. and having ur daughter to urself. so she can have some well needed effection from her mum!
it does sound as tho u need help, wot r u thinking life will b like as she gets older? ur mum mayb fit and healthy now,but surely that wnt always b the case, ur mum has had her family and deserves to have her life.
ur daughter situation needs to b sorted out b4 it damages her for life. imagin growing upthinking/ knowing ur mum doesnt love u,it unfortunatly might get turned on u and she may not want to know u as she grows up. (sorry if that sounds harsh) but i dont want u to miss out on the amazing gift of having a daughter.

i hope u find the strength to ask for help. good luck to u

pigletmania, I don't think you can equate the downright adandonment of a child with smacking a child once, when you have reached your limit!

Haven't read the whole thread Louise, but wondered if you had any underlying diagnosed mental health problems ? It seems to me you are severely depressed and I wonder if this is why your DH and your mum are enabling this situation.
I truly do feel sorry for you Louise and you aren't alone ,I do know of other people who have had the same problem.It isn't your fault - feelings are something outside our control.
Unlike others I am not sure that integrating her back into the family Is the best thing .She is with her grandmother who gives her love and makes her feel special.You obviously need to get your feelings sorted out before she comes back .And by then will it be fair to move a child from the woman she regards as her mum to live with you ?
I hope everything goes well for you this afternoon and you get a quick referral and get yourself on the road to happiness.

have been thinking about this.

And I just don't believe that someone would join an internet forum one day and post all this.

MN hq have confirmed that op is a first time poster (I reported thread to see if op was a known troll).

The op has clearly made her first post out in such a way that we will see her as a person - giving us her name, her age etc, so has made little effort to remain anonomous.

Someone who couldn't talk to people in rl about this (and I imagine it would be a difficult thing to talk to people about) would surely make every attempt to remain anonomous if posting about it online and op has done the opposite..

Yes maybe I could just hide the thread and not post but this isn't an average situation that lots of women might encouter and gain something from is it so ...

sorry but I don't believe a word of it.

If op really is genuine then she doesn't need online support anyway she needs professional involvement from social services...

I think you could learn to love your daughter as you obviously would like to - but I think you need professional help and I would ask your GP as a starting point. You have tried to solve the problem yourself and with your mum but you are obviously not really happy with the current solution - reach out for help, not online help but real help from people who have experience with this kind of problem.

I cannot believe that anyone would ask am I a bad person when they have subjected a child to such cruelty and not addressed this with professional help for nine years, her mother is complicit too.

Either this is a lie, or OP I think you are a despicable woman. Your sons and daughter will know how cruel you are and when your daughter is older I will be shocked if she doesn't have some very major issues from the damage you've done.

I don't think you deserve to have her back. I understand mental health is still health but you should have resolved this a very long time ago. I feel sick even thinking about the suffering of your daughter.

Anyone treating any child like this does not deserve children.

' She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. '

Well she isn't part of the family-is she?! You should have some concerns-seeing a twin sister as if she was a play date or cousin isn't healthy. I think your mother is being cruel by being kind-she should have insisted that you got professional help from the start. You aren't a bad person, but you need to realise that you must seek help-TODAY. Not only is your DD going to judge you (and have relationship problems in years to come) but your DSs are going to judge you too.They will maybe understand that you had problems, but not that you let the whole family suffer while you did nothing about them.

I am getting the feeling there is a lot more to this story than we are being told.

Oh boy I dont know, I have never thought about things being fishy until it was mentioned by merrylegs. I would certainly never metion such personal things on a forum, i have told a couple of extremely close friends of my feelings concerning pnd and also doctor but never a forum.

sorry but i find your situation very distressing , so so sad for your little girl , there are so many people in this world that would love to have a child & you seem to be turning your back on your daughter , i just can not imagine why your DH & your mother went along with all this ,
please try get help .

What a very sad situation.

You have to make a choice. Either your daughter IS a part of her parents and brothers lives and she lives with you.

OR

You make the decision that she is not a part of your life and you & your family don't have any further contact with her, including her grandmother. Put her up for adoption and let her live a normal life with a family who will genuinely care for her welfare & love her unconditionally.

Your half & half situation is only going to cause your daughter immense pain in her later life. She must not be allowed to grow up knowing her parents didn't want her, while she can see her siblings being loved & cared for.

My 50 year old sister was sent to live with our grandmother for 2 years when she was 3 years old. She has NEVER forgiven my parents for this.

I agree with UtterMadness absolutely

I have learned a lot (the hard way) about how mothers who are damaged find it difficult to cope with caring properly for their own children. Lou, I know nothing about your relationship with your own mother but I find it highly suspicious that she was so keen to keep your DD for herself.

Anyhow, I wasnt going to post but something that someone else wrote really upset me. The poster wrote about how she and her twin lived apart from their parents but now she still has that bond with her twin whereas in your case your daughters bonds to any of her siblings have been effectively stolen from her. This upset me because although I sustained an abusive childhood I believe my bonds to my siblings saw me through and it saddens me so much to see your daughter isolated from her brothers. i think even if you think you can`t cope you should give it a try again.

Where's the OP?

SO PLEASED you are getting it sorted lou. good for you, you have the courage to post on here and also you are sorting it out. It is hard but you will over come all this and you will be a happy family (well i hope it works out that way)

Good luck with everything and i really do believe with help you will all be ok.

I dont agree with what you have done but i cant imagine how you feel right now.
No one can help the way they feel.

I don't buy Heat or Closer but that is probably where this will end up or in a chicklit book.