I Don't love my Daughter!

[LouLou80]

hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?

[stubbyfingers]

OP, why did you only want boys? Is there something there that's bothering you?

[scottishmummy]

Lou,what des you DH say about this.his child estranged with no prospect of returning home. this is storing up a big emotional time bomb for all of you

attachment
abandonment
maternal disapointment
seperated siblings
gender Favouritism

honestly do you want to sort this out and have your DD return to the family home or are you wishing to discuss on MN but maintain ststus quo

[LouLou80]

To answer peoples questions about my husbands feelings on this. My husband has expressed concern but he tends to go along with the flow.He goes to see our daughter a lot and often takes her out with the boys and sometimes just by herself. He sees more of her than i do. He wasn't as fixated on having boys as i was, he loves the boys but he wasn't bothered either way about having girls or boys. My mum had 3 boys and i was her only daughter and she has always moaned about how she wanted another daughter, i think she was kind of glad when i gave her mine to look after.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

I wouldn't be surprised if depression wasn't a factor in this; if you were/are depressed, you weren't aren't yourself, but you need to get that self back in order to deal with this.
And I agree that your mother isn't helping by enabling this situation.

[minxofmancunia]

you say tou "feel terrible" and you have come on here to talk about it so that's a start but there's a distince lack of empathy and understanding for your little girl in your posts. There's the sense that she's come along and messed up your idea of your perfect family.

I've come accross this knid of thing at work a few times, i.e. families where one child doesn't fit the mold and is just packed of to a relative/foster carer. I do struggle with it tbh despite trying to understand. The loss for the child is so intense and horrible, I've seen it first hand it's just awful.

Your dh seems to be colluding with you in letting this happen. I had pnd and bonding probs with my dd after birth (although not because she was a girl) compounded by colic and hating breastfeeding but there's no way dh would have let me give her away!! (not that i wanted to, stopping bf really helped). If forced he would have chosen her over me, and I would choose her over him! the child is more important. That's the reality of parenthood.

[scottishmummy]

your family dynamics are all mixed up.you all need some family therapy.lou you have a dd and she cannot be a substitute or additional girl for granny

your husband goes with the flow?
permisable when discussing groceries to go with flow.when estranging your daughter from her siblings totally unacceptable to be so blase

sadly,your mum colludes and your husband should wake up from the emotional stupor and reclaim his family

[ZZZenAgain]

Louise, I doubt very much that anyone on MN will tell you that you are doing the right thing. I don't want you to feel like I'm beating you with a stick, I see it's hard for you but it has to sink in with true clarity that this cannot be a long-term solution.

Not wanting your dd at home is preventing 3 other people having a natural relationship with her: her two brothers and her dh. A lot of us have phases where we don't like our dc or some of them very much because they are being very difficult, we cannot though just abandon them to someone else. If we did all terrible twos would be out on their ear, not to mention all the teenagers. It's a huge responsibility having dc and a lot of it is forcing yourself to get on with it.

Does she call you mummy? Think about it a bit. When she starts school at the very latest she will realise how unusual her situation is and ask herself why she is not allowed to live with her mummy and daddy like other dc. At that stage I would say you would have caused irreparable damage.

I know your mum is probably doing the best she can but his is just not an acceptable solution.

[bethoo]

i find it hard to believe your dh would allow you to palm off yuor dd to your nan. i really feel for your daughter as she will no doubt have low self esteem or confidence and this is a bad combination to have as a teenager and a young woman. she will never reach her potential as the trauma of her childhood will affect her so badly. i mean if her own mother does not want her then who would? please sort this out and like Custardo said it takes time. there is no quick fix solution here.
i think you had a mind set before having a girl that you would not want her and after having her you did not try to bond wiht her, you had her written off from day one.
sorry to sound harsh, i have a ds who i adore and a 9 month old dd who i feel i did not connect to as much due to mother daughter issues with my own mother which made me fear the cycle would repeat itself but i still love her and know i can break the chain.

[MollieO]

You need to get professional help now. If you leave it any longer you will reach a stage where you will never be able to have your dd to live with you and for her to feel like part of her own family.

[Lilyloo]

I think it's even more that your mum and dh have allowed this to happen too.
They really should have supported you in getting some help with your feelings to your daughter rather than put your little girl in this position.

[LouLou80]

I am not sure why i only wanted boys. I just like them more than girls. When i was 16-17 i used to look after my neighbours two young kids while she was at work. The little boy i really bonded with and i thought he was great, wasn't so keen on the girl. One day the girl said to me 'why do u like my brother more than me?' i couldn't give her an answer but i instantly felt guilty.

I also know someone who has girls and never wanted a boy. when she was pregnant with one of the babies she went for a scan and got told she was going to have a boy. When she got told this news her response was to cry like she had just been told she had a terminal illness. When the baby was born and turned out to be a girl she was totally relieved. So its not just me who has a preference to the gender of my children. It's not something i feel is right though, not at all.

[scottishmummy]

so what are you going to do Lou

1st step GP for some counselling referral
get on waiting list for family therapy
some 1:1 therapy for you

[bethoo]

Lou i am sure your friend would have bene fine once the baby was born. please dont make excuses for what you have done. it was not right, sorry.

[LouLou80]

i wasn't making excuses bethoo, i was simply saying that i am not the only person who has preferences regarding the gender of my children

[scottishmummy]

lou you clearly have some deeply embedded attachment and gender issues.do try seek professional help. your posts read quite flat in affect and lacking in empathy.

only you know your experiences etc but you dont have to be a prisoner of your past.and your wee girl doesnt need to be estranged from her siblings and parents

this could change
if you allow it to
if the family dynamics and living situation are explored

but i do think,this is an issue for a professional.

[weegiemum]

My mother rejected me at 12. It has left me with lifelong psychological issues.

Please try to get help to make things better with your daughter. I did and I have good relationships with my 2 girls and my boy, but it has been a hard struggle for me.

You are not a bad person (as you ask in your OP) but you are a person who must have some deep seated psychological issues and you need professional help to deal with it all.

I wish you well, but I weep for your daughter. She is not, in your words "part of the family and always has been treated as such" - because she does not live with your family.

I have had a lot of help with the issues pertaining to my mother, but the upshot of it all is that we are no longer in any contact, as in the end her problems meant that I cannot, for my own mental health, be in touch with her. I am sure you would not like this to happen to you and your daughter.

[scottishmummy]

yes with hard work,reflection,and introspection people can and do overcome the most awful psyhological trauma

weegie mum,what a great post.lot of tears and hard work to get you to a better place.and maintaining your mental health is definitley a priority

[girlsyearapart]

Most people have a certain preference over what they have but at the end of the day a baby is your flesh and blood whether it's a boy or girl.
You need to try and sort this out now while your dd is still young and possibly may forget about her early time with her nan.

Also your mum must have different ways of childrearing to you? Doesn't it bother you that your daughter is being raised differently to the way you would do it? Obviously I'd trust my mum or mil 100% with my kids but they do things differently to me eg discipline, diet even clothing so it's hard enough not to interfere in the way they look after them for a day let alone give them away.

What would you have done if your mum hadn't taken your dd in? Would you have kept her or had her adopted out?

Well done for trying to get some help x

[ZZZenAgain]

I think you should go and make some phone calls and organise some professional counselling/therapy today rather than discuss it here. You owe it to your dd to give that a serious try and get on to it without delay.

People have preferences yes, but that is a gamble when we have dc. We do not know if our baby will turn out to be a pretty little girl with red curly hair, dimpled cheeks and whatever we personally want. We may likethe thought of a quiet sweet dc and get a wild rambustious run-around-all-day-screaming type.

We often don't know whether they will even be healthy or born with serious defects and major health issues. Be very very thankful you have 3 healthy dc and spare a thought for those mothers who do not - and still get on with it.

Thing is that having a baby is not about enriching your life in a way that adds to your pleasure. It often does happen and is nice when it does but for the most part it is about bearing the brunt of a huge reponsibility and fulfilling your duty to that dc to the best of your ability.

Good luck with it.

[GeorgeTheSlitheen]

Poor child.

[scottishmummy]

lou you have done the easy bit,off loading to strangers on MN

now go do something that really might make a differnce - see your GP and relate exactly what you have said here

[ZZZenAgain]

If you go ahead with some therapy/counselling, we'll be with you the whole way Louise if that's what you'd like.

[scottishmummy]

sorry but if you do proceed with counselling and or family therapy dont come on MN giving an account

i think it would undermine the therapeutic rapport to dissect it on MN with strangers.this is highly emotive stuff,not sure if any therapy best discussed on MN

your priority has to be getting help

[ZZZenAgain]

she need not discuss what is going on in her therapy of course but I still think MNers would support her for doing it - if that was any help