I Don't love my Daughter!

[LouLou80]

hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?

[wheresthehope]

PEOPLE THIS IS A ZOMBIE TROLL THREAD!!!!
The OP is long gone!

[Novae]

I can see that you are concerned with this situation and you know that something is amiss. I would say what others are saying and you need to talk to a professional about the length of time this has been going on.

[SurvivetheCrazy]

Wow, here my daughter met a boy at 15 (turns out he was a psychopath) and separated her from our family as is textbook behavior. He chooses to hurt us using her to perform the deeds and manipulates the grandchildren, forbidding us to see them now. Our hearts are broken, the grandchildren are both in therapy and the only ones happy in the dark chaos are my daughter and her husband who only care about themselves. Selfishness breeds pain but only for those who feel compassion. My daughter and her husband are very disturbed people with deep character flaws that have hurt so many others. Such loss when the inability to love is not there. She used to be such a loving person and now just validates his lies and phoniness. It's not always the parents who change and effect someone's personality. It took years but he ruined our family and their own children in doing so.

[Lipsticktraces]

This threads been resurrected that many tines it could audition for The Walking Dead

[minipie]

ZOmBIE ThREAd

[lovely36]

I think you might need to see a psychologist or a therapist to address some of these feelings of resentment that you have towards dd. Poor baby girl.

[Snog]

This thread is ten years old guys

[mummyhelper]

when my child came out as transgender and bisexul/non binary I had the same concerns, my natural instinct was also to ship her off to another family member (in Spain).

I haven't seen her since... she will be 42 this March.

[Here2helpguys]

just so you know LouLou , you are an absolute bitch. Women are too kind to say it how it really is on this app. I know of an account that went by the fake name Lulu and it caused complete controversy across the workplace. I don't know, the name lulu has kind of stuck with me since. anyway i hope she will inherit or nans money and is at the forefront of the will. have a good night x

[ViveMontand]

By the way, I am the 54 year old adult Daughter of such a Mom(ster) & enabling Father & 3 Golden Children Son Husbands...(which is what your boys are being groomed to be)
So I'll give the readers a glimpse into what happens to this unwanted, unloved daughter if the Malignant Narcissist Momster & her enabling, complicit covert Malignant Narcissist passive cu-k of a husband. I developed an autoimmune disorder ...primary progressive multiple schlerosis from the stress this inflicted on me & now, a former model & dancer, I am CRIPPLED & confined to a mobility scooter. Mothers like this, Audience...they go on to give everything to the boys their entire lives & make no secret about it as they deny the girl any compassion, guidance, dignity, any nice gifts or necessities in life. In fact, they go out of their way to ensure that daughter knows she is unloved.
ALL of this is fuelled by 3 factors:

1. Pathological envy by the narcissistic mother.
   
2. Passive compliance by the inert abuse-enabling cu-k husband.
   
3. Sociopathy & sadism.
   So do not call this woman writing in about not loving her daughter & acting on it BRAVE.
   She is a selfish, pathological malignant narcissistic SOCIOPATH with zero empathy.
   Despicable.

[ViveMontand]

To answer your parting question yes. Yes you are.
You're feeling the way you do &, moreso ACTING on it because you are a malignant narcissist who's looking to raise 3 Son Husbands
You do realize that what you're doing (shirking your parental responsibility) goes against nature & that this is not some "uncontrollable phenomenon" that's occurring. This us a CHOICE you are making to soothe the angst you have over not wanting to share the spotlight with another female. This is blatantly obvious.

You don't want a girl because you see her as competition.

You also don't care that what you're doing is going to basically destroy this poor child's life. Unloved. Rejected because of her plumbing. Her life & self esteem...because of YOU: Shattered.
You have Zero empathy.
(Malignant narcissists never do.)
I challenge you to send this letter you wrote in to be assessed to Ollie Mathews at The Narcissistic Resistance on YouTube & have your situation assessed.
ollie_mathews(at)yahoo.(com)
In the meantime, either HIDE that you don't love her & go through the motions of treating her equally or give her up fir adoption to a loving home or...brace yourself to one day be confronted by this rage filled young lady you basically throw out and prepare to be exposed to the world because that is what she & the community are going to do.
Shame on you.
You cannot cherry-pick based on plumbing of the child & throw A HUMAN BEING away & expect there to be no consequences.
You are a horrible person.
I feel sorry for your Sons because news flash...your husband is complicit in this with his cobert enabling. What a p-ssy whipped cuck to passively remain idle & permit you to do this.
Neither of you deserve to have ANY children. These are not PETS you can ship off to the pound. Of COURSE the girl wants to be with grandma because you are loveless.
Your boys will be damaged too.
These are human beings.
Smarten up!

[CalmItKermitt]

Well umm you should feel guilty.

[yana32]

Hi there umm i didnt get the date on this post but i still would like to post up a bit in relation to it. I had a daughter 9 years ago i dont love her and i dont know how. I leave her with my mom or her inlaws because i cant look after her. Mostly due to not being a moralistic as a young woman i was a whore at a very young age with the habits in alcohol and drugs from time to time. I feel that i wasnt suppose to have her. it was unplanned and her father was evil. ummm i still cant love her as she looks a little like her dad and that annoys me alot. i dont like visiting her or being around her. i am happy to leave her alone. i read in the bible as well that this is the way between moms and daughters including mom inlaws and daughter inlaws but it is not that way between grandmas and granddaughters. So umm i think its okay for me to be this way. `i dont feel guilty about that. the biblical reference may only refer to those who believe that.

[HeyRoly]

I really don't understand why MN don't delete troll threads. If a story is fabricated and massively disturbing/controversial (as this one is) it'll only keep coming up in Google searches from people seeking real help, and getting bumped again and again...

[Thisjustinno]

Zombie AND a troll. It's got it all!

[Letdownbackthen]

This is a zombie trolls thread

[StefCWS]

You are very brave admitting this

I agree with people when they say to get help as when she grows up she will resent you for this and it may give her some emotional issues that she feels she wasn't good enough

What has your partner said about this? Its hard to comment when I cant relate at all, my little girl is my world.

[HeyRoly]

ZOMBIE TROLL THREAD

[Ajimnotabadmother]

I've just read your post and can completely identify with what you say, albeit my particular circumstances are a little different. I had a daughter (she is now 25), and I could not bond with her at all after birth. I had a particularly long labour (3 days) with an emergency C-section performed after my daughter started showing signs of distress. Whilst in hospital recovering from my operation I can recal the feelings of overwhelming resentment; I wished she just wasn't there and didn't want to hold her or feed her at all. I stayed in hospital for a week and during all that time I was happiest when my daughter wasn't near me at all. I performed all the perfunctory duties that a mother should, but at not one point did I feel ANYTHING for this child at all. I felt awful, but had no one to talk to. How could I explain that I felt nothing for this child that had just been born? Who would understand? By the time my daughter was 6 months old, I had unfortunately split up from her father and due to my dire financial circumstances was forced to go and live with my parents as I had no money of my own. This was the worst thing I could ever have done. My mother had always wanted another child and she took this opportunity to monopolise mine, leaving me with even less time to bond. I even found my own mother attempting to breast feed my own baby one night. Disgusting. Still, though, I just had no choice, I had nowhere else to live as my partner gave me no support or living allowance to get by on (despite being a successful accountant in a big firm in the City). Within years of this living arrangement, my mother had successfully manipulated the relationship between herself and my daughter to the extent that whenever I tried to establish "ground rules" and "care" arrangements regarding my daughter I would be told "whilst you are both living under my roof, living on my money, you will both be subject to my rules". I was back again to being the abused child of my past. During an argument one night with my mother I threatened to just walk out with my daughter and leave. Within days, I then received a letter from a firm of solicitors informing me that due to my "irrational demeanour" my mother had been granted a residency and parental responsibility order. Now in the eyes of the law, I had no choice as to where my own daughter lived or to how she was brought up. Once my mother had obtained residency of my daughter things turned from bad to worse and she made my life utter hell. I didn't have any money still but in desperation went to a firm of solicitors in order to try and reverse the court orders. I ran up a debt of thousands of pounds, but was still unable to overturn what had already been put in place as I still had no permanent alternative home in which to bring up my child. After years of abuse at my mothers hands, I decided one day that I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to pack my bags and leave to go and live in a bed sit (which was all I could afford) on the salary that I was earning at the time. Years went by, like this, with me visiting to try and see my daughter with my mother either allowing me access or not, depending on her mood. I thought that when my daughter became of age at 18, things would be different and that I would once again begin to build a relationship with her. Sadly, it's not worked out well. My mothers manipulation runs deep and my daughter believes every lie that my mother has told her (my father being totally complicit in this arrangement). To this day, I wish I had felt differently and had been stronger, but in reflection I was not well myself at the time and just was not strong enough as a person. I'm writing to you as I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am now in my late 40s and it is has taken until now for me to be able to talk about my trauma and abuse (at the hands of my mother) as a child. I have recently begun therapy and am beginning to realise that my feelings of detachment were a result of childhood trauma. If you want to write back, please do, I'd be happy to chat and offer any support if I can.

[mummy2benji]

You've had so many replies I wonder if you are still reading them all?! I think you need some counselling to try to work out why you haven't bonded with your daughter. Maybe it is to do with the birth, your own relationship with your mum or other females - who knows, but it needs addressing. I appreciate your honesty and courage in admitting this, and realise it must be hard for you - but at the end of the day no child deserves to grow up feeling like the unwanted child. Your daughter may adore your mum and love spending time with her but believe me, when she grows up and becomes a teen she will look at her relationship with you and judge herself and her own self-worth on it. Don't risk a lifetime of eating disorders / depression / delinquent behaviour because she feels unloved by her mother. I can't stress enough how important this is. I hate to say it, but as women we are all defined a little by our relationship with our mothers. I felt criticised by mine and spent my teen years trying to please and obtain praise from her - I became such a perfectionist and I suffered with anorexia for years. However hard it is, I think you need to 'man up' (or the female equivalent) and do your best to take your daughter into your heart. However your feelings for her may differ from that of your sons, never let her see that. Relationships in life need working at, and sometimes mother - child relationships fall into that category. Spend some one on one time with her, find out her interests, do an activity together that you don't do with your sons. Over time you may find your feelings changing and learn to love her as much as your boys.

[emsibub]

Wow I'm amazed by your story. Truly gobsmacked.

Whatever your issues I hope this innocent little girl manages (against all odds) to grow into a confident and balanced human being.

[IrisGirl]

what a very sad post, and how very brave of you to put it here.

i think the first thing you should do is go seek professional help regarding this and do it fast, before damage is done that cannot be undone. your darling daughter did not ask to be born, she did not ask to be a girl and she certainly did not ask (nor deserve) to be treated like this. i feel so sad for you as you are missing out and potentially damaging what can be a wonderful relationship/friendship in the future.

what also worries me is the harm this is doing to your sons, with this behaviour are they being shown that a girl/woman is to be disregarded and not thought of, do you think that they may grow up, realise what you have done to their sister and hate you for it, therefore losing 3 children??

please go and seek help before this situation becomes worse.

i wish you, and perhaps more so your daughter, all the luck in the world xx

[Jestrin]

Your dd is really going to have issues growing up knowing you rejected her but not her brothers. You really need to resolve this.

[KateSMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

We feel should alert you to the fact that this is very old thread, and the OP was banned shortly after starting it.

[EduCated]

Oh, FFS. Just read through all this and even reported a post (sorry, MN )

Fucking ZOMBIE THREAD